Would you consider this? Co-parenting offer

[Peachtoiletpaper]

I have been dating several years, mid 30s, really want a family and husband/ life partner. OLD and hobbies are going nowhere fast. I'm getting plenty of interest and dates, including numerous short relationships, but nothing works out. I think I may be too picky but am not sure I can just settle if I don't feel a spark. I'm really regretting a short relationship going wrong a couple of months ago but that's done now.

Anyway, a real priority for me is children and I am aware that I don't have decades to make this happen. If things were different I would consider sperm donation but I can't afford this as I am retraining on a demanding course and don't see how I would raise a baby alone well on this path. What I really want is the whole thing. I suppose I started retraining partly as I thought 'I am still single and child free and had might as well get as much fulfillment as I can elsewhere'.

However, a male friend has approached me about co-parenting. This has got me thinking. He's an ex-OLD match I didn't feel a spark with so has become a friend of a few years' standing now. He is a wonderful man, just not quite right for me romantically. He would like kids but is not having any luck meeting the right woman.

He is happy us being friends although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind. This muddies the waters slightly compared to if he had no interest whatsoever.

He is a good man, kind, intelligent and caring. He has a very well paid, offshore job. He has offered to set me up in a small house bought in my name, with childcare and financial contributions. He would come and see the child/ren when not offshore, and at an appropriate age, take them to stay with him. He has family who would be involved too. He and his family live a few hours from me (all in the UK).

He mentioned his DM coming to stay with me for some time when the hypothetical baby was born, which put me right off if I'm honest, as I don't know her. I think this may be indicative of a wider cultural difference as in his background, families are much more involved than in mine.

We didn't discuss conception much but I don't think he would be expecting it to be the 'natural' way.

I dunno. I might be getting to the point of considering this. There's no pressure on his end, we have just discussed it.

I have had good advice on here in the past. Does it sound like a good/ terrible idea? At least I could potentially have a child/ children with someone I trust and some help with the practical difficulties. But maybe I have time yet and should just alter my dating approach or persevere?

Thanks for reading.

@MMmomDD

For me - I would definitely consider and not dismiss this as an option. And I’d give myself about a year to still look around and decide.

Thing is - when you are mid 30s and know you want a child - you are sort of forced to make a choice among available options. You can’t wait forever. So - meeting the ideal person doesn’t always happen and you need to compromise on something.
And - even if you do meet someone you think is right - it doesn’t always work out that way. You don’t have time to really get to know them over a period of a few years - as you have to get to baby-making pronto.
And finally - until you actually have the child(ren) you don’t really know how you and they turn out as a parent.

What I am trying to say - there are risks and uncertainties with having kids with someone you meet ‘naturally’ just as well.
At least with this man - you know he is doing it because he wants to have kids and he intends to support them.
(This is the most you can hope for even in a real relationship. Anyone can lose a job, or have an accident, etc)

Secondly - your relationship with the guy is up to you to define. As a mother - it’ll have to work for you. So - if you don’t want to sign up for having his mom around too much - don’t. At last not until you build a relationship with her. You may, in time, actually appreciate the help from family - as it’ll allow you to have your career.
The fact that he is open for more - I’d not think is an issue. As it’s, again, up to you to take him up on it or not. And with time, it’ll be less and less of an issue. If you do it - you’ll find a pattern of a relationship that works for you. And as he is away a lot - it could be a perfect set up.

People here on MN are normally pro keeping hope and things working out. But dating in mid 30s with the goal of finding a father for your children - is more difficult than people are willing to understand or admit.
And this is a good alternative to going a sperm donor way; and certainly more of a sure way.
You can also hold out for the right guy and get past the point of being able to have kids. Which is, sadly, not far away.

Good luck

I agree with @ MMmomDD.

This is very true : "People here on MN are normally pro keeping hope and things working out. But dating in mid 30s with the goal of finding a father for your children - is more difficult than people are willing to understand or admit"

Someone asked about what if you met someone. That’s a good point. If either of you met someone else after having a baby I imagine it might drastically alter the relationship.

Eg maybe he wouldn’t want to pay for your home as suggested if you were dating. Maybe if he got in a relationship and had a child with someone else he’d disappear from your child’s like.

Too many risks

This sounds like a terrible idea for you.
There is no reason why he needs to do this now. He could have a child with this set up in 10 years time so there has to be a reason why he wants to do it now with you. The most obvious is he wants a relationship with you. But as others have suggested he maybe doing this more for his mum than you which is a terrible reason.

I don't think its for his mum as such.
Part of the reason he likes this idea is to have children without the family involvement that would come with
marriage etc.

MMmomDD your post gave me a lot to think about, thank you. Essentially this is me weighing up the options I do have, which are broadly, to keep looking or to engage in an arrangement like this. Embryo freezing is an idea but I won't be in a good position to have a child alone for probably 4 years. On second thoughts, I don't love the idea of co-parenting with someone I don't know. That feels like a bigger risk, tbh.

I think co-parenting is massively preferable to sperm donation, because it means the child actually has a father. But I think it would be a mistake to accept money from this guy beyond normal levels of child support and you have to be able to have completely frank discussions with each other, with the potential child’s needs front and centre. For example, would one of you consider moving? A few hours is a long way for a child.

Yes, I'm stuck where I am for my training but would want to head back to his area after if i could find work (I lived there before).

I don't think you should dismiss it completely , you might have to wait for a relationship that never materialises then having children becomes much harder and you have to use IVF Donor eggs / sperm donor .

Part of the reason he likes this idea is to have children without the family involvement that would come with
marriage etc.

I don’t understand what you mean by this.
Do you mean he has decided he doesn’t want a relationship now or in the future? With anyone?

An uninvolved father really isn't better than no father.

I think you should start thinking about what would be right for the child and not what's right for you.

I can't get on board with sperm donation as I have a friend who has a son in his early 20's who was conceived this way and has/is massively struggling with it.

I hope you meet someone as you deserve to fall in love.

Yes

@MMmomDD

For me - I would definitely consider and not dismiss this as an option. And I’d give myself about a year to still look around and decide.

Thing is - when you are mid 30s and know you want a child - you are sort of forced to make a choice among available options. You can’t wait forever. So - meeting the ideal person doesn’t always happen and you need to compromise on something.
And - even if you do meet someone you think is right - it doesn’t always work out that way. You don’t have time to really get to know them over a period of a few years - as you have to get to baby-making pronto.
And finally - until you actually have the child(ren) you don’t really know how you and they turn out as a parent.

What I am trying to say - there are risks and uncertainties with having kids with someone you meet ‘naturally’ just as well.
At least with this man - you know he is doing it because he wants to have kids and he intends to support them.
(This is the most you can hope for even in a real relationship. Anyone can lose a job, or have an accident, etc)

Secondly - your relationship with the guy is up to you to define. As a mother - it’ll have to work for you. So - if you don’t want to sign up for having his mom around too much - don’t. At last not until you build a relationship with her. You may, in time, actually appreciate the help from family - as it’ll allow you to have your career.
The fact that he is open for more - I’d not think is an issue. As it’s, again, up to you to take him up on it or not. And with time, it’ll be less and less of an issue. If you do it - you’ll find a pattern of a relationship that works for you. And as he is away a lot - it could be a perfect set up.

People here on MN are normally pro keeping hope and things working out. But dating in mid 30s with the goal of finding a father for your children - is more difficult than people are willing to understand or admit.
And this is a good alternative to going a sperm donor way; and certainly more of a sure way.
You can also hold out for the right guy and get past the point of being able to have kids. Which is, sadly, not far away.

Good luck

I agree with this. There are no guarantees in life, if I was single at 35 I'd be giving serious consideration to all my options for having a baby. I did it the 'right' way, with a man Id been with for over a decade, turns out he wasn't the person I thought he was, not when it came to parenting and sharing the load.

The fact he wants more and the whole his mum staying thing would put me off, also to consider if he's self employed he can make all the promises he wants but could hide income if he decides after all that he's not interested in parenting. Getting support up front in terms of a flat/house in your name, instead of child support, if he can really do that, might feel a bit icky but could be a good idea to give you some security. It's not exactly ideal, but I would have to think long and hard about my options, including this one.

I won't be in a good position to have a child alone for probably 4 years

Then you’re not in a position to enter this arrangement.

Be under no illusions, once pregnant it’s your life that will change to accommodate a child.

Unless you’re in a committed relationship living together - ideally married- or unless you can afford to be a sole parent practically, financially and emotionally, you’d be irresponsible to enter into this.

You’re talking about creating a life. The changes to your life, or the convenience to him in meeting family obligations, are secondary to the responsibility of what you’re signing a child up to.

@RantyAunty

What is it about him you don't find attractive?

I don't want to be mean about him but he's just not 'my type', so to speak, both physically and in terms of personality. It is just purely platonic for me.

Bad idea. For all the reasons stated above.
But what about if, say a few months or years down the line of embarking on this process, snd you meet someone, fall head over heels, and they are absolutely the one.
You want to live together, but a house together ( oops, you already "own" one with er... sperm donor...)
What if you want to have children with this new love of your life?

I can only see heartbreak ahead.

@anonsattic

Bad idea. For all the reasons stated above. But what about if, say a few months or years down the line of embarking on this process, snd you meet someone, fall head over heels, and they are absolutely the one. You want to live together, but a house together ( oops, you already "own" one with er... sperm donor...) What if you want to have children with this new love of your life?

I can only see heartbreak ahead.

This is what puts me off. I think it's the fact that I've had so many 'near misses', just not found quite the right one, that makes me think 'next time'. But the fact remains I may never meet the right man, or at least not in time for a family.

Another possibility is 'settling' with someone who is really keen but who I just don't fancy. Different guy but met in similar circumstances. He's got loads going for him and is a good friend, it just wouldn't be the big romance. I would also feel guilty here since there would be such an imbalance in feelings. At least the co-parenting situation would be quite clear cut and platonic

@MMmomDD

For me - I would definitely consider and not dismiss this as an option. And I’d give myself about a year to still look around and decide.

Thing is - when you are mid 30s and know you want a child - you are sort of forced to make a choice among available options. You can’t wait forever. So - meeting the ideal person doesn’t always happen and you need to compromise on something.
And - even if you do meet someone you think is right - it doesn’t always work out that way. You don’t have time to really get to know them over a period of a few years - as you have to get to baby-making pronto.
And finally - until you actually have the child(ren) you don’t really know how you and they turn out as a parent.

What I am trying to say - there are risks and uncertainties with having kids with someone you meet ‘naturally’ just as well.
At least with this man - you know he is doing it because he wants to have kids and he intends to support them.
(This is the most you can hope for even in a real relationship. Anyone can lose a job, or have an accident, etc)

Secondly - your relationship with the guy is up to you to define. As a mother - it’ll have to work for you. So - if you don’t want to sign up for having his mom around too much - don’t. At last not until you build a relationship with her. You may, in time, actually appreciate the help from family - as it’ll allow you to have your career.
The fact that he is open for more - I’d not think is an issue. As it’s, again, up to you to take him up on it or not. And with time, it’ll be less and less of an issue. If you do it - you’ll find a pattern of a relationship that works for you. And as he is away a lot - it could be a perfect set up.

People here on MN are normally pro keeping hope and things working out. But dating in mid 30s with the goal of finding a father for your children - is more difficult than people are willing to understand or admit.
And this is a good alternative to going a sperm donor way; and certainly more of a sure way.
You can also hold out for the right guy and get past the point of being able to have kids. Which is, sadly, not far away.

Good luck

I agree with @MMmomDD.

Also, OP, Almost everyone who has responded has children. But I am the you in 8 years time that didn’t find the husband/partner and have children.

If I could go back to 35 again and have this offer before me, I would seriously think about it, and spend a lot of time negotiating different scenarios with the person to see if we could make it work. I effectively see it as working out a parenting agreement before the relationship, instead of afterwards as most people have to do when a relationship breaks down. And you get to do it in a more positive environment, with no rancour!

I’d be firm on establishing a set up that is like separated parents, not like a partner coming home from leave every 3 months. So, the house is your house alone. He has no rights over visitors etc and obviously, no his Mum doesn’t come and stay at your house.

I’d want a contingency plan thought out for what happens with one or more of you:

• want another child
• meet someone else (when can they introduce, what christmas, etc would be
• level/type of schooling expectations and funding
• discipline/parenting expectations
• medial decisions - are you on the same page re vaccinations etc?
• primary decision maker, if you disagree about something - need for extra tutoring, discipline level, trip overseas etc, that you are the ‘main’ parent, get final say on it

I’d also want a plan if one or more of you moved. What if you wanted to move? What if he gave his job and wanted to move back and settle in your town, what is the plan for parenting then?

None of these are bad scenarios, they just need to be talked through so you know what you would be heading into. For example, are you going to attend Christmas with his family and the child as a civilized co-parent couple? Or will you do a spoilt Christmas like a normal separated couple?

You need to establish what kind of couple, you are, so that both of you can adjust expectations to future scenarios. Him saying his Mum will stay is more of the ‘couple’ thing, whilst it sounds like you would prefer a more separated couples dynamic. Either could work, just talk about it.

*split Christmas, not spoilt!although it could work either way :)

I agree with a poster that it’s easy for people with kids already to sit back and recommend waiting for the One. Or for married people to say - you need to raise a child with a husband present.
But in your place I’ll put a very very hard deadline to your search for the One. Or you risk losing a lot. IF having kids is something you really want, that is.

I actually have a few friends who went it alone in mid-30s because finding partner/having kids immediately at that age was proving impossible and very stressful too. Some of then went on to meet a partner later. Some stayed single.

And then there are people who meet someone, but then it doesn’t work out. Like in my case. I am divorced and we co-parent.
And — as someone said above as well - negotiating the co-parenting agreement after divorce is far harder than the option in front of you.

Having kids has always been important to me. So - even if I went back in time - and knowing how my life went - I’d not change a thing.

OP - you have a bit of time before having to make a choice. And the choice may define whether you will have kids or not.
And despite what some on here say - the choice to have a kid in a co-parenting relationship will not stop you from having a relationship with the One, if he ever comes along. No more so than having been in previous relationships and having had a child. Financial arrangements and other agreements can always be changed and adapted to whatever circumstances you are in.

The posters saying consider this are possibly missing the point of those saying hold on.
The concept in theory maybe ok. But why has this particular man suggested it.
For example if he was gay it could make sense as he will have known for a long time that he would need some different way of having children with his partner.
But this man sounds like he is a nice guy, financial stable so why is he suggesting it?
Obviously you don’t have to tell us but I would have a think about it?
You don’t think he is doing it to please family. So what is his motivation and if it is what you have suggested not wanting family commitments that doesn’t sit well with parenting which is the biggest family commitment of them all

I wouldn't dismiss it outright.

Planning to have a dc this way could be much better than using an anonymous sperm donor as your dc will know and have the support of their father who wanted to have them. It's also so much better than settling for a relationship with the wrong person just to have a traditional family but ending in acrimony and hurt.

This way you could possibly iron out all the misunderstandings and different expectations before any dc is created such as no way will your mother be stepping foot in my house . You should set out every eventuality in a legal document (contact, finances, parenting methods, what if dc or you are sick or disabled, what if one of you want to leave the country, what if one of you lose your job etc etc). It sounds cold but this is exactly what happens when any couple have a baby except it's in advance rather than after conception.

I'd talk and talk and talk to your friend. Are your differences in expectations insurmountable? In the end if you can reach an agreement I personally would feel having a child with a second parent that you know, like and who wants to be a parent with you is better than not having a child at all because you're waiting for the perfect fantasy man/ sperm donor to sweep you off your feet.

But OP you still have time to meet someone and have a relationship and family.

Why are you so sure it won’t happen for you? Dating is hard I know, but you don’t need to just give up and decide to do this just because dating is hard.

Women have children into their 40s and I know ppl say it’s harder etc.. but you still have time.

I would say keep dating and putting yourself out there.

@Upsidedownpineapplecake

The posters saying consider this are possibly missing the point of those saying hold on. The concept in theory maybe ok. But why has this particular man suggested it. For example if he was gay it could make sense as he will have known for a long time that he would need some different way of having children with his partner. But this man sounds like he is a nice guy, financial stable so why is he suggesting it? Obviously you don’t have to tell us but I would have a think about it? You don’t think he is doing it to please family. So what is his motivation and if it is what you have suggested not wanting family commitments that doesn’t sit well with parenting which is the biggest family commitment of them all

Well, I understand he has suggested this as he is ready to have a family and doesn't want to be a much older dad, and doesn't find it easy to meet women. He works a lot of the year on a boat in a very male dominated environment plus isn't the classically handsome, suave type if I am being honest.

I think he also just isn't all that fussed about being a traditional family if push comes to shove (he is from a very traditional family and I think finds the expectations quite stifling at times), but would really like children with someone he likes a lot, and feels would make a good mum (in his words).

I don't think it's a last resort for him which it sort of would be for me. He sees things quite unconventionally sometimes and I get the impression he views this as a good idea that would work for both of us and any kids since we are on quite a similar wavelength and would be able to care for them in different ways.