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Original poster

Would you consider this? Co-parenting offer

75 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 04/02/2022 20:32

I have been dating several years, mid 30s, really want a family and husband/ life partner. OLD and hobbies are going nowhere fast. I'm getting plenty of interest and dates, including numerous short relationships, but nothing works out. I think I may be too picky but am not sure I can just settle if I don't feel a spark. I'm really regretting a short relationship going wrong a couple of months ago but that's done now.

Anyway, a real priority for me is children and I am aware that I don't have decades to make this happen. If things were different I would consider sperm donation but I can't afford this as I am retraining on a demanding course and don't see how I would raise a baby alone well on this path. What I really want is the whole thing. I suppose I started retraining partly as I thought 'I am still single and child free and had might as well get as much fulfillment as I can elsewhere'.

However, a male friend has approached me about co-parenting. This has got me thinking. He's an ex-OLD match I didn't feel a spark with so has become a friend of a few years' standing now. He is a wonderful man, just not quite right for me romantically. He would like kids but is not having any luck meeting the right woman.

He is happy us being friends although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind. This muddies the waters slightly compared to if he had no interest whatsoever.

He is a good man, kind, intelligent and caring. He has a very well paid, offshore job. He has offered to set me up in a small house bought in my name, with childcare and financial contributions. He would come and see the child/ren when not offshore, and at an appropriate age, take them to stay with him. He has family who would be involved too. He and his family live a few hours from me (all in the UK).

He mentioned his DM coming to stay with me for some time when the hypothetical baby was born, which put me right off if I'm honest, as I don't know her. I think this may be indicative of a wider cultural difference as in his background, families are much more involved than in mine.

We didn't discuss conception much but I don't think he would be expecting it to be the 'natural' way.

I dunno. I might be getting to the point of considering this. There's no pressure on his end, we have just discussed it.

I have had good advice on here in the past. Does it sound like a good/ terrible idea? At least I could potentially have a child/ children with someone I trust and some help with the practical difficulties. But maybe I have time yet and should just alter my dating approach or persevere?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 11:37

I don't think you should accept a house from him. Do it as if you had got pregnant with him accidentally but split and he's doing the decent thing by contributing and seeing his child.

Having his mother to your home or even giving you a home is some other dynamic entirely.

Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 11:41

You'd need to lay down the law and say that you'd be friendly but not in a relationship. He would have the child at set times and you would be supportive of the relationship and give phone access etc but to all intents and purposes you'd both be on your own with this. See how he feels about it then.

Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 11:42

@Toanewstart23

Do you know how much he actually earns OP and have had proof Because otherwise all these promises Are just words
Yes, it is a lot. He would be able to afford what he is saying he would offer. I fully understand it is just words at current but he's not making wild promises that he couldn't keep. Whether he did keep them in full is obviously another matter as you say.
OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 05/02/2022 11:45

Op you say you know how much he earns

Have you actually seen a payslip

coodawoodashooda · 05/02/2022 11:45

I'd have said no but i married for love and am now living a coparenting nightmare. I wouldn't rule it out.

Devilmakes3 · 05/02/2022 11:48

The only way I would have a child with a friend and coparent is if the friend was completely uninterested in each other one or both likely gay to be certain on that score. Too much scope for regret in this scenario. If you wish to have a child, go it alone. It is hard enough parenting with someone you love deeply, someone you couldn’t sustain a relationship with is breeding grounds for a disaster.

SalonSharon · 05/02/2022 11:51

@Peachtoiletpaper

He's said he would pay for whatever childcare was needed, even a nanny. By mentioning that his mother would come and stay for long periods, I wonder if he sees that as an alternative at least at first.

None of it is what I really want, tbh, having worked through it more. It just seemed a lot more possible than a sperm donor and I'm wondering if I will have to compromise at some stage if I don't meet anyone.

There would be no nanny. It would always be his mum.

He’s buying a grandchild for his mother.

Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 11:52

@Toanewstart23

Op you say you know how much he earns

Have you actually seen a payslip

Well he's self employed but he's showed me proof of his finances, yes. He showed me to prove that he could support me financially also that he could afford to buy a house. I think he wanted me to know he was serious about suggesting this and it wasn't just a random idea.
OP posts:
Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 11:55

@Devilmakes3

The only way I would have a child with a friend and coparent is if the friend was completely uninterested in each other one or both likely gay to be certain on that score. Too much scope for regret in this scenario. If you wish to have a child, go it alone. It is hard enough parenting with someone you love deeply, someone you couldn’t sustain a relationship with is breeding grounds for a disaster.
This is kind of my gut feeling. However good both our intentions are to start with (and I do trust he is genuine), we would be signing up to a really demanding job, together, for a very long time with no proof of how each other would manage that. Kind of different from a relationship that didn't work out in a way.
OP posts:
KateMcCallister · 05/02/2022 11:58

Absolutely not. No.

He wants more, he thinks once you've had his child he can manipulate the situation into having more. As a pp said, what happens if you meet someone? He going to be ok with that, in "his" house?

If you're going to act as if you got pregnant by him accidentally during a ons and be totally separate in everything apart from him supporting his dc, possibly. But I don't think that's possible in your situation.

Daenerys77 · 05/02/2022 12:07

Why does he want to install his mother in your prospective home if he is not going to be there himself? Would you be happy to have her living with you? Have you even met her?

Toanewstart23 · 05/02/2022 12:12

Self employed?

No o wouldn’t

Very easy to fiddle figures re CMS of all goes pear shaped

1TheCircle · 05/02/2022 12:13

I don’t like the sound of it. It sounds quite controlling of you for some reason.
I co parent with my ex. It’s taken a few years but now is great. (Obviously I’d rather they live with me all the time!) but I mean great in terms of communication/ we both have same values and rules. But with my ex we have been together in the past with the DC so there’s some understanding/history there .. hard to explain

You have no experience of his parenting. And the family thing sounds weird.

I would 100% rather do it alone with good babysitters/nursery as support than the offer he’s put to you.

ambushedbywine · 05/02/2022 12:15

I think this might end in disaster, but I wonder if co-parenting might still be a great idea (with someone else). What about actively seeking someone e.g a gay man or couple who might want to be dads but where romance was off the cards?

Treecreature · 05/02/2022 12:17

You don't feel a spark with him, but are considering having a baby with him?

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 12:48

although he has said he would be interested in more, if I every changed my mind.

Absolutely not, for this reason alone. The relationship is not equal, there is massive potential for confusion & hurt

Secondly, it's not clear what he wants from this. He has made very expansive promises that sound unlikely to be sustainable. He wants a child, but will only be occasionally involved when back from working away? But is happy to throw lots of money at the situation. What does he see his relationship with this child being? What's the longer term plan?

And his mum ... recipe for disaster.

So just a million reasons to say no.

Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 12:51

@ambushedbywine

I think this might end in disaster, but I wonder if co-parenting might still be a great idea (with someone else). What about actively seeking someone e.g a gay man or couple who might want to be dads but where romance was off the cards?
This is a good point. I'm not sure about a couple, if it started out that way (obv the guy might meet someone later). I would feel quite outnumbered in terms of decision making etc. But yes, something to look into for sure.
OP posts:
PickledOnionSandwich · 05/02/2022 13:29

Can’t you explore things being ‘more’ with him. Your friends already which is a huge bonus. A lot of people end up marrying a friend, I did. You both want kids. He’s in steady employment. If he’s willing to buy you a house then he must be financially stable. He seems keen on you in general. Maybe don’t write off the idea. Could you say that you’d like to try things as a couple for (maybe) 6 months and see what happens? Then if it works you could maybe become a couple and have a baby or go your separate ways.

MMmomDD · 05/02/2022 14:17

For me - I would definitely consider and not dismiss this as an option.
And I’d give myself about a year to still look around and decide.

Thing is - when you are mid 30s and know you want a child - you are sort of forced to make a choice among available options. You can’t wait forever. So - meeting the ideal person doesn’t always happen and you need to compromise on something.
And - even if you do meet someone you think is right - it doesn’t always work out that way. You don’t have time to really get to know them over a period of a few years - as you have to get to baby-making pronto.
And finally - until you actually have the child(ren) you don’t really know how you and they turn out as a parent.

What I am trying to say - there are risks and uncertainties with having kids with someone you meet ‘naturally’ just as well.
At least with this man - you know he is doing it because he wants to have kids and he intends to support them.
(This is the most you can hope for even in a real relationship. Anyone can lose a job, or have an accident, etc)

Secondly - your relationship with the guy is up to you to define. As a mother - it’ll have to work for you. So - if you don’t want to sign up for having his mom around too much - don’t. At last not until you build a relationship with her. You may, in time, actually appreciate the help from family - as it’ll allow you to have your career.
The fact that he is open for more - I’d not think is an issue. As it’s, again, up to you to take him up on it or not. And with time, it’ll be less and less of an issue. If you do it - you’ll find a pattern of a relationship that works for you. And as he is away a lot - it could be a perfect set up.

People here on MN are normally pro keeping hope and things working out. But dating in mid 30s with the goal of finding a father for your children - is more difficult than people are willing to understand or admit.
And this is a good alternative to going a sperm donor way; and certainly more of a sure way.
You can also hold out for the right guy and get past the point of being able to have kids. Which is, sadly, not far away.

Good luck

Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 14:25

How would he feel if you meet someone and they spend more time living with the child than he does? How would his family feel? Would he feel he has a right to approve them especially if they may be living in a home he's financing?

Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 14:42

@PickledOnionSandwich

Can’t you explore things being ‘more’ with him. Your friends already which is a huge bonus. A lot of people end up marrying a friend, I did. You both want kids. He’s in steady employment. If he’s willing to buy you a house then he must be financially stable. He seems keen on you in general. Maybe don’t write off the idea. Could you say that you’d like to try things as a couple for (maybe) 6 months and see what happens? Then if it works you could maybe become a couple and have a baby or go your separate ways.
It makes a lot of sense but if I am brutally honest, I love his company but I just wasn't attracted to him in that way. Not sure I could overcome that if I'm honest.
OP posts:
Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 05/02/2022 14:43

Sorry, posted too soon. I'd rather spend that 6 months looking for someone else or getting on with the co-parenting arrangement rather than trying to make a relationship work between me and this chap when if I'm honest, I've never really thought of that as an option

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 05/02/2022 16:56

What is it about him you don't find attractive?

Cherrysoup · 05/02/2022 19:21

His house so his mum can stay whenever she wants? Lord, no. I think I’d rather go the sperm donor route.

PicsInRed · 05/02/2022 19:27

He's commissioning you to build biological grandchildren for his mother, who will be more involved than he will.

This a bad offer you should refuse.

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