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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me not to send this message..

65 replies

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 10:55

I know I shouldn't.

I found out about a new 'friend' he had whilst trying to save our marriage. I did a bit of digging and found out it was more than a friendship which he continued to deny.

I left ExH due to domestic abuse. Called the police, working with womens aid etc.

A week a go I sent him a direct message (as advised by the police) to not contact me under any circumstances and to text my mum only about our DS and nothing else.

I haven't heard from him but he has text my mum. Saying he knows he's hurt me, he knows he's messed up in our marriage. He has also sent my mum 2 texts still stating it was nothing more than a friendship.

I cannot stand this. I want to unblock him, I've written a message to say I know it was more than a friendship, tell him what proof I have and to leave my mum alone.

My mum says I mustn't send this message to him as that's what he wants.

I'm annoyed he is still messing with my head even after he cannot contact me directly. Advice please, I'm struggling!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 10:56

Don’t do it!

Holly60 · 03/02/2022 10:56

Yep don’t send it. He knows you know. You currently have the power - don’t give it away.

Leave him guessing as it leaves him feeling vulnerable.

YellowLemonz · 03/02/2022 10:57

Please don't do it.
Remember what this man has done to you.
Silence is greater than words.

Holly60 · 03/02/2022 10:58

If you need motivation, imagine him checking his phone every 5 minutes…and still no text from you. He will be wondering what you are thinking, what you are doing, but no way of finding out.

ChickenStripper · 03/02/2022 10:59

Tell your Mum to tell him not to contact her and for her to block him. Do not send him the message. It opens lines of communication and it puts an end to all the good work you have done so far!

Thirtytimesround · 03/02/2022 11:02

Your mum is right. He’s trying to trigger you into reacting. He knows you know it was an affair, that’s why he told your mim it wasn’t, to get you to react.

If you want to annoy him, keep ignoring him it is working 👏

Hope your mum is ok with the messages. Suggest she just have a standard “Can we keep messages to discussing dc please.” Message that she resends everytime he babbles crap at her.

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 03/02/2022 11:02

Dont send it, send it to us if you need to instead. Your mum needs to block him if this continues and call the police as he is supposed to only text her about child issues. Has mum replied with do not text me

Rainbowqueeen · 03/02/2022 11:05

Write a letter to him. Let it all out. Then burn it

If you send it he will take it as a sign that you care and feel like he has the upper hand.
Don’t do that to yourself

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/02/2022 11:09

Was he arrested? Given a DVPN? Under no circumstances contact him except through a solicitor. YOU know what he did. HE knows what he did. PPs are right, he's trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't give it to him.

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2022 11:10

He wants a response don't give him one

Original poster

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 11:19

Thank you all. I haven't sent it and now I won't. I know to listen to my mum but she is too involved if you know what I mean.

I just hate the fact he is still trying to get at me! And I can't tell him what I really think!

OP posts:

IcicleIcicle · 03/02/2022 11:30

Could you ask your mum to do a combination of Thirtytimesround's standard message to him and then just not passing on any messages from him which don't relate to DS? It should keep what he says to DM to a minimum and saves you having to hear stuff you don't want or need to hear.

purpleboy · 03/02/2022 11:30

Don't do it, don't be tempted. PP had it right, imagine him checking his phone all the time to see if you have messaged. It will be driving him crazy. Nothing less than he deserves.

2DogsOnMySofa · 03/02/2022 11:32

Your Mum is right, he wants to engage with you, regardless if it's positive or negative engagement, he's trying to reel you back in

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 11:33

Walk away. You know the truth, be happy that you have the proof.
Do not start communication with him.

Crumbs22 · 03/02/2022 11:33

Any reaction is fuel to people like that and they will never stop. You need to be strong and don't react at all. It's the only way.

Cas112 · 03/02/2022 11:36

Dont, that's exactly what he wants! For you to give in.

Your stronger and better than that!

Calmdown14 · 03/02/2022 11:36

You have told him what you think. You have done so with your feet and left him.
You know he's not worth having in your life. That is the most powerful message you can send. Anything else is just noise that proves to him on some level you still care.
Sometimes silence is more powerful than words. You know the truth. He knows you know. Having a text rant changes nothing but allows him back into your life.
Write a letter. Write down everything you want to say to get it out and then burn it

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:37

Your mother needs to block him

Ilovethewild · 03/02/2022 11:41

Don’t Do It!!

Well done for holding strong, you did good and should be proud of yourself.

He will keep trying though so it may be worth thinking how you can keep strong. It’s hard sometimes and having something to read to remind you why you don’t respond and what helps is useful. Eg as suggest writing to him and burning it

What’s your treat for doing well

Original poster

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 11:42

Thanks all. I might post my message on here just to get it out.

If my mum blocks him then he has no way to contact DS so not sure how that would work

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/02/2022 11:46

DO NOT MESSAGE HIM.

Hold strong and keep the moral high ground. Also NOT messaging him is no doubt driving him crazy

Tell your mum going forward not to bother telling you about whatever garbage he is spouting.

And kindly you will need to toughen up a bit as what he is doing (while annoying) is fairly mild. He could easily kick it up a few gears…and you will need to be mentally prepared to ignore /withstand his idiocy

Original poster

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 11:46

@Ilovethewild

Don’t Do It!!

Well done for holding strong, you did good and should be proud of yourself.

What’s your treat for doing well

I actually went and got a piercing this morning that I've wanted for ages so that's helped with the inside pain. Reminded me that I'm strong on my own!

OP posts:

Original poster

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 11:49

@Totalwasteofpaper

DO NOT MESSAGE HIM.

Hold strong and keep the moral high ground. Also NOT messaging him is no doubt driving him crazy

Tell your mum going forward not to bother telling you about whatever garbage he is spouting.

We haven't spoken for 10 days now. It will be driving him crazy but he also has OW to focus on.

I don't know wether to get an injunction on him but I'll see how it goes.

I absolutely do need to toughen up. You are correct.

I just can't stand him still going on about this nothing more than 'friendship' when apparently his profile picture on Facebook is one of them together! I'm not an idiot and it annoyed me he's trying to get at my mum too.

OP posts:

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:50

@beesfeet

Thanks all. I might post my message on here just to get it out.

If my mum blocks him then he has no way to contact DS so not sure how that would work

Well then ask her to exercise some common sense and onl pass on DS messages

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