Please tell me not to send this message..

[beesfeet]

I know I shouldn't.

I found out about a new 'friend' he had whilst trying to save our marriage. I did a bit of digging and found out it was more than a friendship which he continued to deny.

I left ExH due to domestic abuse. Called the police, working with womens aid etc.

A week a go I sent him a direct message (as advised by the police) to not contact me under any circumstances and to text my mum only about our DS and nothing else.

I haven't heard from him but he has text my mum. Saying he knows he's hurt me, he knows he's messed up in our marriage. He has also sent my mum 2 texts still stating it was nothing more than a friendship.

I cannot stand this. I want to unblock him, I've written a message to say I know it was more than a friendship, tell him what proof I have and to leave my mum alone.

My mum says I mustn't send this message to him as that's what he wants.

I'm annoyed he is still messing with my head even after he cannot contact me directly. Advice please, I'm struggling!

well done
get it all out on here or in a notebook…

Self care is also a really good thing to do… maybe have a think of a few other things you might like to do in the next couple of weeks… maybe one thing a week?
a nice bath, wine and a good book, a walk in a forest, a trip to a nice coffee shop for a slice of cake, pierce some more things? Whatever floats your boat!!!

Self care is also about caring for ourselves emotionally, having boundaries, things that keep us safe.

There's no way to get through this without pain.
Just allow your pain and grieve the betrayal and loss as it comes up.

Re trauma bond, it can only exist in denial, in that split.

Bonded to the "nice" him, we tend to think the nice him is the real him and the horrible one is not real/what needs working on.
We (victims) may spend much time negotiating for the nice act.
When you realise the nice one is an act / come into reality, the trauma bond loses its strength and disintegrates.

The abuser is not an act.
The nice man is.

Please develop strategies for managing this feeling in future
Please don’t contact him. If you have been advised by Police or other professionals to not contact him and then you breach this direction , it really doesn’t look good
In my experience, women do breach the Order in place to protect them and it does them absolutely no favours whatsoever from those professionals and will be raised in any future Court discussions
Find another way to manage it
Good Luck 💐

@user1471082124

Please develop strategies for managing this feeling in future Please don’t contact him. If you have been advised by Police or other professionals to not contact him and then you breach this direction , it really doesn’t look good In my experience, women do breach the Order in place to protect them and it does them absolutely no favours whatsoever from those professionals and will be raised in any future Court discussions Find another way to manage it Good Luck 💐

This is the main reason I haven't sent it. As much as I want too, I'm not stupid and know the damage it could do. Dignified silence is absolutely best.

I just wish I didn't care!

@mrsrat - your voice is not in the spirit of this thread.

Reported you.

When you're feeling really low and want to lash out at him

Just remember one thing!

If you contact him, he will use it against you!

All the best and positivity op

You have told him what you think. You have done so with your feet and left him.
You know he's not worth having in your life. That is the most powerful message you can send. Anything else is just noise that proves to him on some level you still care.
Sometimes silence is more powerful than words. You know the truth. He knows you know. Having a text rant changes nothing but allows him back into your life

These are really wise words.

Thank you. Today has just been a bad day. Not one response that says sending the text is a good idea so that tells me everything I need to know.

It's so hard when you are living it though

Hi OP,
I was checking your other thread. You've come so far. I'll echo exactly what the others are saying. He's trying hoover you back in. You know how that will play out. You left him for a reason and those reasons will never change. He's incapable of change. I know this is the really hard part but stay strong. Distract yourself and post on here. Don't ever go looking for happiness in the place you lost it remember xxx

@totallyoutnumbered

Hi OP, I was checking your other thread. You've come so far. I'll echo exactly what the others are saying. He's trying hoover you back in. You know how that will play out. You left him for a reason and those reasons will never change. He's incapable of change. I know this is the really hard part but stay strong. Distract yourself and post on here. Don't ever go looking for happiness in the place you lost it remember xxx

Thank you, I remember you from my other thread. I don't know if he is trying to hover me back in, he seems happy with OW, I think it's just a close relationship with me he would still like - as in close friendship. Which is a no from me obviously. A close friendship means some sort of control.

I know I will get there but these texts from him set me back. There hasn't been any today thankfully.

I think I need to sit and read through my other thread and remember why I am where I am.

Ask your mum not to talk to him about you, your marriage, his 'friend' or anything else, not connected to your DC.
And if xh sends her messages about you, ask your mum not to mention it to you. Log-off him completely.

Your mum needs to stop telling you about what he's said unless it's to do with DC. Does she reply back to him? Could she be telling him too much about you or her own thoughts. It's a lot for your Mum to have to deal with. Could you instigate that he can only contact her on certain days to give her a break?
You already know enough about him, it's not healthy or helpful in moving on to continue to track what he's up to. Better to ask all friends and family to not tell you any more, you really don't need to know.

@Opentooffers

Your mum needs to stop telling you about what he's said unless it's to do with DC. Does she reply back to him? Could she be telling him too much about you or her own thoughts. It's a lot for your Mum to have to deal with. Could you instigate that he can only contact her on certain days to give her a break? You already know enough about him, it's not healthy or helpful in moving on to continue to track what he's up to. Better to ask all friends and family to not tell you any more, you really don't need to know.

Oh no my mum isn't replying to anything other than if it's to do with DS. She's being very much grey rock. She had a good relationship with him while we were together and has learnt for herself what he's like.

He took ow away at the weekend and used our joint account to pay for it which I could obviously see and it was heartbreaking. I had been asking him to remove my name by going into the bank to sign a form and remove my name bur he didn't and continued to spend money on ow. So I froze the account. My name is now off the account and I can no longer see what he's spending.

I had a few messages of people - some that are his friends more than mine when he put fb pics of them up. Obvs I didn't ask for these messages. So I'm now off social media.

I'm doing all I can.
My mum saw how his messages yesterday affected me so she won't be telling me if he messages now.