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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship when you have a young baby?

69 replies

lazydaisy2022 · 02/02/2022 22:26

I have a young baby but I've split from her dad. Have any of you ever got with anyone new when your DC were young?
I've met someone else who's more or less said he thinks the world of me and know I "come as a 3" (I have 2 dc with me ex) and he's willing to go as slow as I like and will support me any way he can.
I just keep seeing all young families and feeling so disappointed I've let the children down by not staying with their biological father.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 02/02/2022 22:27

What age is your baby?

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 02/02/2022 22:27

@GrazingSheep 6 months x

OP posts:
emilyintheSE · 02/02/2022 22:28

No such thing as a "normal" family these days.

I have 2 young DC and am dating. Either the guy accepts you with your DC or doesn't. It's v encouraging to hear your new guy is happy to take it at your pace/as slow as you'd like.

Have fun and good luck OP Thanks

RedCandyApple · 02/02/2022 22:28

Nope couldn’t think of anything worse than dating and having a young baby, my “baby” is now 4 and I’m still single

Lbnc2021 · 02/02/2022 22:30

How old are your other children?

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 02/02/2022 22:31

@Lbnc2021 my other child is 5

OP posts:
MintJulia · 02/02/2022 22:31

Stop feeling guilty. Your ex is an ex for a reason. I tried to stick it out with my ex and lasted three years. He didn't improve. It would have been better to leave earlier it I had been able.

Take any new relationship very slowly. Enjoy the freedom and autonomy. Put your dcs first. Good luck x

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 22:40

Take it very slowly, be smart and watch carefully for red flags. If it's not working for you, end it immediately. Don't allow him to move in for a loooong time, and don't get pregnant unintentionally.

Always do what's best for your children, you won't go wrong.

HeddaGarbled · 02/02/2022 22:46

I know everyone’s going to come on and say ‘you go, girl’ etc, but I think it would do you and your elder child a lot of good to take a break.

Learn how to be independent, do some thinking about what went wrong with the children’s father, give the children a period of stability and security. Work out all the stuff around separation and co-parenting without someone else complicating things.

I suspect a lot of recently separated people rush on to the next partner to fill the gap left by the old one, but how much more satisfying it could be to find that you don’t actually need a man for that, and further down the line, pick a partner because there’s something special about them rather than ‘were available when I was at a low-point’.

Valdes · 02/02/2022 22:47

Why do you need to see anyone?

If you have a burning desire, by all means its your decision but please don't be rushed into something because you're sad or lonely. Your DC deserve your time and energy and not to have new people on the scene just because you feel other people expect it.

Good luck

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 02/02/2022 22:53

The first few months of a break up are hard and seeing those 'perfect' families about is really difficult but from my experience it's far better to know and invest in yourself. Develop your own social circle away from your former couple friends, develop new skills and investing in yourself by going on courses if necessary whether that's work related or learning to drive in stead of spending money on dating, it'll be better for your self esteem and your future too. New clothes, going out, going away, gifts etc are all part of dating and cost alot I'd be focusing on spending that on yourself and your lovely babies.

Locomelon · 02/02/2022 23:24

Don't rush into anything. I found myself suddenly single when school were 6 months and 3 years old. Started dating quite quickly but soon realised the children were so young and needed me more than I needed a new relationship. Focused on them and on me and after 4 years met a wonderful man who is now my husband and father to DC3. So have fun, but don't put yourself whole self into it, just yet.

Locomelon · 02/02/2022 23:24

'When school' meant 'when DC'

MiddleParking · 02/02/2022 23:48

Just on a practical note, aren’t you knackered?!

WomblingWilma · 03/02/2022 00:13

How long since you split from your ex? I think both you and your DC need time to come to terms with your breakup and the changes in your DCs family setup before you get into another relationship surely?

Do you have childcare for dating or are you planning to conduct a relationship at home when the kids are asleep? Not good.

I’d tell the guy to back off, spend some time to yourself reflecting on what happened with your ex so you rebound into another bad relationship which won’t last again, and build up some stability for your DC.

I certainly wouldn’t be having another man in my house with DC of that age.

WomblingWilma · 03/02/2022 00:23

Sorry, so you *don’t’ rebound!

I also think you’re quite vulnerable with DC of such a young age and after a recent break up. Some men can sense an opportunity and a chance to get their feet under the table. I’d be very wary of someone who professes to think the world of you before you’ve even got into a relationship.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/02/2022 00:37

You have young children. unless you have babysitter(s) on tap, won't this man mostly be coming round to yours?

You'll end up with a 'from chair to bed' relationship.

Well it's not really a relationship...

Focus on yourself and your children. You've not long ago had a baby. You can take a couple of years at least break from dating. Sometimes, you just have to be a mum and put that 1st for a while.

How well do you know this man, considering he'd be around your children?

You sound quite vulnerable and I hope you're getting support from family and friends

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 00:42

I live with my parents, he kept the house. I'd just meet him when my ex has the kids

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 01:25

How long were you single? You don’t need to jump straight into another relationship. Learning to how to exist without male validation is pretty important. Being single for a bit is fine!

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/02/2022 05:45

I wouldn't be dating with a baby of that age. They need their mum not another man around the house.
If you do go ahead then please don't introduce him to the children for a good while. Some men just prey on single mums with young ones to get to the children. Enjoy being a mum and take time.for yourself and the children before having another man in your life

megletthesecond · 03/02/2022 05:55

No.
To be honest you'll be letting your baby down if you start another relationship at this point. Leave it a few years.

Ivyonafence · 03/02/2022 06:13

Honestly I think you should focus on yourself and your family for a while.

Your DS has had so much change in the last year. His sister was born (not an only anymore, has to share you), and then his parents split up. Presumably he's had to move house? That's so much for a little boy. Let it settle before another person enters his life. Show him stability- you're his mum, you've got this, consistent and predictable so he can feel secure.

If you want to go on dates on your own time while the children are with their dad, I think that's fine, but don't involve your children or get serious about anyone.

Are you comfortable on your own Op? Or do you feel the need to have a partner?

I know you say you wish your children were in a two parent family, but I promise you that one strong steady mum is soo so much better for children then a step dad figure coming and going.

BananaBlue · 03/02/2022 06:27

If be more concerned re the 5 year old, presumably they’ve started school, had a new sibling, maybe heard rows etc, parents split and moved house all in a few months?

That’s a lot for an adult so I’d want all my attention of them for a while.

You probably need to process yourself too.

WhiteHearts · 03/02/2022 07:33

My youngest was 6 when her dad and I split up.

She's now 15 and I finally feel that it is appropriate to have a proper relationship and introduce her to someone. I know that that is a long time in most people's eyes but I felt the children were my priority until they became independent.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 03/02/2022 08:35

*You'll end up with a 'from chair to bed' relationship.

Well it's not really a relationship...*

Can you explain what this means, please ? That's how a lot of relationships start.