New relationship when you have a young baby?

[lazydaisy2022]

I have a young baby but I've split from her dad. Have any of you ever got with anyone new when your DC were young?
I've met someone else who's more or less said he thinks the world of me and know I "come as a 3" (I have 2 dc with me ex) and he's willing to go as slow as I like and will support me any way he can.
I just keep seeing all young families and feeling so disappointed I've let the children down by not staying with their biological father.

@megletthesecond

No. To be honest you'll be letting your baby down if you start another relationship at this point. Leave it a few years.

I was trying to not be too blunt in my previous post, but to be honest, this is the crux of it.

Your baby is so young. And is young for such a short time. Just focus on your baby.

I know people may jump on this and say you need a life too but meh. Babies need a lot of focus. There's time for you date when your babies a bit older.

Talk about Quick Draw McGraw.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

*You'll end up with a 'from chair to bed' relationship.

Well it's not really a relationship...*

Can you explain what this means, please ? That's how a lot of relationships start.

A chair to bed relationship - I think it's where the man comes round to hers periodically, they don't actually ever go out anywhere nice on dates, he doesn't ever really have to spend much money - just hang out at hers and then they end up in bed. So, just he comes round for da chats, maybe some food and drink and then they shag. No proper dates tor romance, just Netflix and chill. Well, it certainly benefits men anyway........

That’s how I took it to mean as well, it means a man who comes over late for sex whilst the kids are in bed usually gone in the morning before they wake, no proper dates, not being taken out anywhere, I don’t think most relationships do start like that tbh!

..... well, no meaningful relationships anyway.
It's all a bit FWB.
Fine if that's what you want - but it definitely benefits men and their cocks .

OP after this separation your children need stability. Focus on providing that for them and being emotionally and financially independent.

It's odd that somebody you've just met would be talking about taking on your children. You haven't even had time to see if a relationship between you will work yet, you shouldn't be involving them. Why has he even met them at this stage? Talking about "being a family" in a new relationship is disturbing.

I understand you're sad that your children don't have the family you'd planned for them, I really do. But you can't just replace their father with a man you barely know. Your children will be affected by the separation, particularly your 5 year old, so focus on that and making them feel secure again with just you.

Date this guy if you want to (although personally I don't think it's healthy so soon. You still have a tiny baby! I would work on your boundaries first as I'm surprised at some of your comments). But there's no need for him to be in your home or interacting with your children. If it works out, then that can come a couple of years down the line.

Although I'd still be very cautious even then about considering living together, as you risk your children going through the same separation trauma again if the relationship later breaks down. You don't have to live with someone to have a partner.

Sorry just seen you said you haven't introduced him to your children. That's good. Keep it that way for at least a year and see what happens. It sounds like you are aware of the risks, just don't get caught up in it all. I think his comments about you "coming as a three" are really odd and a bit disturbing when you've not been seeing each other very long.

Also how could he even say he's happy that you "come as a three" when he has (rightly!!) never even met your children and knows nothing about them? It all seems really weird.

I'm a single parent. While my DD is young and vulnerable, I won't be dating, unless I happen to start a relationship with a longstanding friend who I already know VERY well and can trust.

I'd be very wary indeed of any man who is immediately so accepting of your situation.

Aside from the risks of abuse, you also need to consider that if you allow your children to form a close bond with a man you are in a relationship with then they too will suffer if the relationship breaks down.

It seems very very soon after having a baby to be thinking of a relationship. I'd suggest focusing on your family unit for a while first.

To be honest between working, running a house and looking after my daughter I have very little time/energy/mental capacity to pursue a relationship anyway.

@lazydaisy2022 I don't mean this in a bad way,but you sound incredibly young.
.
Also if your youngest is 4 months old how long aga did you actually split up.
And how long do you know this man.

@HeddaGarbled

I know everyone’s going to come on and say ‘you go, girl’ etc, but I think it would do you and your elder child a lot of good to take a break.

Learn how to be independent, do some thinking about what went wrong with the children’s father, give the children a period of stability and security. Work out all the stuff around separation and co-parenting without someone else complicating things.

I suspect a lot of recently separated people rush on to the next partner to fill the gap left by the old one, but how much more satisfying it could be to find that you don’t actually need a man for that, and further down the line, pick a partner because there’s something special about them rather than ‘were available when I was at a low-point’.

This 100%.

It's quite quick to be moving on.

*if you allow your children to form a close bond with a man you are in a relationship with then they too will suffer if the relationship breaks down.

It seems very very soon after having a baby to be thinking of a relationship. I'd suggest focusing on your family unit for a while first*

Says it better than I did!

I'm 33, I've known him 4 years and have messaged him sporadically since then.
I've got no intention of introducing him to the kids until we had been "serious" for at least a year, the same as I wouldn't want my ex introducing anyway. I have taken on board all comments though! Thank you all

So you were messaging him while you were having children with your ex? I find this all a little confusing tbh. It's a new thing, it's someone you've known for ages. He wants to be a family and you "come as a three" but he's never met your kids? Even though you've known him since just after the younger one was born?

It doesn't really make sense, to me. Can you explain? How did you meet him 4 years ago when you had a one year old and were still with your ex? What had you been messaging about all that time until you broke up with your ex?

Sorry, since just after the older one was born. 4 years is a long time OP. What was happening in these messages between you while you were in a relationship with someone else? 😕 And having more children with him. Did your ex know about this friend? How did you meet him on the first place?

The reason I am asking is that this all very much changes the situation you presented us with when you posted the thread to ask for opinions. Unless you can be honest about the circumstances the responses will be of no use to you because they'll apply to the situation you told us about and not the real one.

A man pursuing a woman with a small baby immediately makes me suspicious I’m afraid. Just be very careful. I’d concentrate on your children for now. They’ve already been through enough by the sounds of it.

Yes I'll explain best I can. I met him through an old job (his sister was a colleague) he came along to a few of the do's that work had.
He started messaging me on Instagram as his mum bought a puppy from us and he would send me photos and it just went from there.
The messages were never out of line or sexual, it would just be asking what we had been up to, to be honest I told him a lot about when my ex was treating me badly. I suppose he was someone I could talk to who wasn't involved in the situation. I got pregnant accidentally last year and when I was really unwell (hyperemesis) he spoke to me a lot when DP left me and went abroad while I was pregnant etc.
DP did know and I told him we were friends, which at the time he was. It's not great on my part I know but I had been so unhappy and lonely in that relationship for a long time.

Oh OP. 😞😩 This does not sound healthy, at all. Please stop. Focus on your children now following the separation. Tell this man this is what you're doing.

If he cares about you and hasn't had any ulterior motive for the last 4 years then he'll be happy to wait another 2 until you and your children are feeling more stable. If he's a decent man, he'll understand you need to do that before considering another relationship and respect you for that.

Tell him this is what you are going to do and his reaction will tell you what you need to know about whether he genuinely cares about you. If he says he will back of AND DOES, he is probably a decent guy. If he says he will back off but doesn't, that is the worst, do NOT go near him again. If he refuses to take this time out then block him.

That's my advice. Obviously you may choose to ignore it! Please look after yourself and your children though. You do not need a man to do that. Really.

@lazydaisy2022 I think you're getting a hard a time, if you're only seeing him when your ex has the kids then I can't see a problem. I think you sound quite sensible. Keeping it separate sounds fine.
Does he have kids of his own?
How often is your ex having your kids?