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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship when you have a young baby?

69 replies

lazydaisy2022 · 02/02/2022 22:26

I have a young baby but I've split from her dad. Have any of you ever got with anyone new when your DC were young?
I've met someone else who's more or less said he thinks the world of me and know I "come as a 3" (I have 2 dc with me ex) and he's willing to go as slow as I like and will support me any way he can.
I just keep seeing all young families and feeling so disappointed I've let the children down by not staying with their biological father.

OP posts:
BlueBellsArePretty · 03/02/2022 09:30

@lazydaisy2022

If you are taking things slowly with your new partner, seeing him in your spare time and keeping the relationship separate from your children for now then I don't see any problem. Unfortunately there seems to be slightly misogynistic expectations of single mothers that father's do not have to face. Namely that to be a virtuous good mother you must be chaste and to want a partner and sex means that you don't care about your children. No one cares if the father gets a new girlfriend or has sex.

RantyAunty · 03/02/2022 12:48

@BlueBellsArePretty

More so than a woman having sex, is that women have to worry about who they get involved with and bring around their children. So many predators and cocklodgers out there.

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 14:49

What is a predator and a cocklodger? as I say I live with my parents, he lives in a tied house so if anything we'd be spending time at his one weekends my ex has the kids. I'm not too worried about him meeting my 4 month old but have said at least 6-12 months since meeting my 5 year old. He practically spent all his time at Grandma's anyway as the atmosphere was so awful at home and when I was pregnant I had hyperemesis so they looked after him a lot for me. He's not once mentioned about going home or saying he's missing his dad. X

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 14:56

You don’t know what a predator is?

Again, how long were you single?

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 16:51

Not really.. only when it comes to children? I've not really got anything to offer like any money or anywhere to live so there's not really anything he could be wanting from me in that sense.
I've been single since July, we broke up while I was pregnant when he went abroad while I was in hospital with hyperemesis.

OP posts:
Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 16:54

Just googled it and it came up with a load of examples of predators in wildlife haha! It sounds more like my ex to be honest.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 03/02/2022 17:08

I would be exceptionally wary of a man who pursues a recently separated woman with a small child and a 4 month baby.

Your kids are tiny. The older one has gone through a lot of upheaval. What’s the benefit to them of you seeing this man?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 17:08

You’re an adult woman who doesn’t know what the word ‘predator’ means in this context? You then Googled ‘predator’, saw predators in the wild and decided…I’m not even sure what. Is this a windup?

On the now very slim chance that this is a real post, Google ‘predator dating’, ‘predatory men’, or any of the other blindingly obvious options that are relevant to what is being discussed.

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 17:24

@MeSanniesareBrannies ok no need to be so condescending, no I didn't really know what the term meant in this context. I've had a look up on it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 17:26

@VodselForDinner there would be no benefit to them, I suppose in the same way there was no benefit of him hearing his father shout at me. I wouldn't introduce him though for at least a year or until I was certain. It's literally just going out on dates during the day, lunches, walks etc. If anything he's more of a friend at the moment and has been a bit of a sounding board.

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 17:28

[quote lazydaisy2022]@MeSanniesareBrannies ok no need to be so condescending, no I didn't really know what the term meant in this context. I've had a look up on it now.[/quote]
I disagree. There was every need.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 17:33

Pp are talking about paedophiles OP. That kind of predator. A man who will get into a relationship with a single mum like yourself in order to gain her trust and then access to her children.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 17:36

And also just abusive men who want a gf/wife they can easily control. As a newly single mum you’re vulnerable in a few ways - financially things are much harder than as part of a stable couple, socially you’ve not got lots of time for strong friendships and you’ve potentially recently lost any support you were getting from your inlaws.

1Micem0use · 03/02/2022 17:47

Please remember paedophiles are after little boys not just little girls. Your 5 yo is old enough for the NHS PANTS talk. You can find it on their website.
Children with an unrelated male in their house are 50 percent more likely to be abused. So it really isn't an unusual occurrence

1Micem0use · 03/02/2022 17:48

And honestly even those that arent abusive, a lot of men just dont like other men's children. Especially in blended families where they go on to have their own children.

Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 17:52

@Allpenguinsarepingus thank you for your simple and non patronising explanation. I appreciate it Thanks I do see what you mean and of course I would wait a long time before introducing him to them and I've got no need to leave him alone with them. I've known his mum many years she's a friend of mine and his dad is a vicar so I know he comes from a good family.
I do understand the side of people saying men might see us as vulnerable etc though and will tread carefully.
My in laws lived abroad and when I did see them they were actually quite nasty to me and shouted at me in front of the children a couple of times so I'm certainly not losing any support from them, in fact it feels like a weight off knowing I hopefully won't see them again, or at least have to put up with them staying over for week here and there!

OP posts:
Original poster
lazydaisy2022 · 03/02/2022 17:54

@1Micem0use Thank you. He knows a couple of songs from YouTube that are along the similar lines of the PANTS talk. My mum was sexual abused by her natural father and I was by my step brother so I am more cautious than most in that sense.

OP posts:
Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 18:01

I think your plan to see this new man when your kids are with their dad is totally reasonable OP. It might not work out because he might want more time and more involvement than you’re willing to offer at the moment. Don’t get guilted into going faster than you feel comfortable with, especially concerning meeting your kids and any discussion of moving in together. But the going on dates and sexual relationship than happens totally away from your kids? You don’t have to deny yourself that just because you’re a mother.

Bortles · 03/02/2022 18:39

Men arent the answer OP. They wont solve your life or anything you're unhappy about. At best they'll distract you from sorting out a life you want for you and your children, at worst, they'll make it worse.
Be independent for a while. Make your children your focus. Think about what you want to do as hobbies or work. Then, when you are sorted yourself, the sort of man you'll attract will be one who will see you as equal and not vulnerable. If it's this guy, let him wait.

VodselForDinner · 03/02/2022 18:50

[quote lazydaisy2022]@VodselForDinner there would be no benefit to them, I suppose in the same way there was no benefit of him hearing his father shout at me. I wouldn't introduce him though for at least a year or until I was certain. It's literally just going out on dates during the day, lunches, walks etc. If anything he's more of a friend at the moment and has been a bit of a sounding board.[/quote]
Your ex sounds awful.

What have you done to ensure you’re equipped to not walk into another bad relationship?

Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

You’ve just escaped from one man, I find it a bit strange that you’re running headfirst into another relationship and dragging a five year old and a four month old along for the emotional ride.

Mookie81 · 03/02/2022 23:31

[quote lazydaisy2022]@1Micem0use Thank you. He knows a couple of songs from YouTube that are along the similar lines of the PANTS talk. My mum was sexual abused by her natural father and I was by my step brother so I am more cautious than most in that sense.[/quote]
So cautious you're onto the next bloke before your baby even has teeth and you don't know what a predator is. Hmm

Pinkdelight3 · 04/02/2022 10:28

his dad is a vicar so I know he comes from a good family.

Because vicars never committed any child abuse... um...

Just don't be naive is all people are saying. Even what you might think of a nice normal guys can target mums of young DC because they're more likely to be 'grateful' and feel like no one else would put up with them. Take it very, very slowly indeed. Ideally just keep him as a friend and focus on your DC and your independence. Dealing with issues from the ex (Freedom programme is a good shout), sorting out career and housing for when this maternity period is up and you want to move out of your parent's home. You have plenty on your plate and any guy worth his salt would see that and not want to complicate matters.

Pinkdelight3 · 04/02/2022 10:29

And just to add, you have absolutely not let your DC down by not staying with the ex. Not at all. But you won't fix that feeling by casting another man in the ex's place so swiftly - that will only lead to more regret. You'll fix it by doing the work on yourself and realising that you are enough.

JudgeJudyAgain · 04/02/2022 11:13

@Pinkdelight3 that's very true. Thank you x

yourestandingonmyneck · 04/02/2022 11:46

There's not a huge amount anyone can say.

People can give you their experiences, but ultimately everyone's situation is different and nobody here can comment on yours.

Personally, I can't understand why a single man would want to get involved with a woman with a six month old baby unless he was absolutely and completed besotted (which from the sounds of it, he says he is) or he had malicious intent which, sadly, does happen.

Young babies are hard work. I don't understand why a single guy would want that at the start of a relationship. But I don't know him, you, or the situation. I'm just saying, keep your wits about you.