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Original poster

DH thinks it’s over - I don’t

67 replies

Susue999 · 02/02/2022 16:00

I know there are lots of threads on similar but I need a hand hold. DH of 11 years has told he he thinks it’s over. Things have been rocky for years I have had a lot of major health difficulties most recently involving cancer but was given the all clear. And I think this has taken its toll hugely on my DH. Of course it has on me too but after recent good news I just had a renewed optimism for life and a don’t sweat the small stuff attitude. I was ready to enjoy life again. It was just after this that DH first said he was y sure about things. I was shocked. Things have spiralled with him distancing more and more from family life resulting in our 3 DS saying very unkind things to him about him being detached etc which then makes him detach even more. He has fern sleeping in a separate part of the house despite by persuasions to return to our bed. Anyway he said yesterday that he things it’s over. I completely lost it and am ashamed to say I told him he couldn’t do this especially with forthcoming major op. He said he would support me regardless blah blah. He has agreed to counselling but am I really just flogging a dead horse. I cannot believe that he can just give up like that and say we are better off without him. I absolutely terrified but also still love him and don’t want a future without him.

OP posts:
ReadySteadyTwins · 02/02/2022 16:05

Try the counseling. That will give you an answer, and at least you both know you tried.

Even if you love him, that doesn't mean he has to stay. I know that's very blunt, but you're being very self absorbed. What he thinks and feels is if equal importance.

Kstormtrooper · 02/02/2022 16:07

Waiting on there being someone else waiting in the wings.

ClawedButler · 02/02/2022 16:40

Awh, man, that really sucks, but I'm afraid that he doesn't need your permission to end things. If one person in a partnership doesn't want to be in it any more, they are free to go. They shouldn't stay out of guilt or obligation or anything other than whole-heartedly wanting to be there.

I'm so sorry, but I do think you're going to have to let him go.

ClawedButler · 02/02/2022 16:43

And I would go to counselling, but go with the goal of separating with love and respect. Don't go with the expectation of saving your marriage. If someone has fallen out of love with you, no amount of counselling or "trying" is going to change that.

ClawedButler · 02/02/2022 16:44

You do need some RL support though, because this may well be a very traumatic time for you. Have you got a good support network of friends or family you can fall back on?

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 16:59

Do you want to go to counselling because you think you can talk him into realising he wants to stay?

It sounds a bit like you're having trouble accepting that he has agency; it only takes one person to end a relationship. It doesn't have to be a joint decision.

Not what you want to hear, but he's told you clearly how he feels, in words and actions, and that he's there to support you, regardless. He sounds rational and mature in the face of his feelings.

DinaofCloud9 · 02/02/2022 17:01

You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you.

It's a shame but he's made his decision and that's fine. Noone should be forced to stay with someone they don't want to be with.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 17:04

Don't be surprised if he's already moved on with another woman. Sounds like it, honestly.

SarahDarah · 02/02/2022 17:07

The line which say he thinks you'll all be "better off without him" makes me think whether he could be experiencing depression OP?

sadpapercourtesan · 02/02/2022 17:09

Put simply, he doesn't need your agreement. If he says it's over, then it's over.

I think you should see a counsellor without him, to help you manage the break-up and how you are going to move on.

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 17:09

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Like others I’d bet there’s already someone else, hence him distancing himself both emotionally and physically by sleeping elsewhere. He’s waited until you’ve had some good news so that he doesn’t look like the bad guy, but he’ll have to wait a bit longer before he magically “meets” the new love of his life or everyone will know he’s the man who cheated on his sick wife. It will all come out in the wash. Flowers

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 02/02/2022 17:16

@ClawedButler

And I would go to counselling, but go with the goal of separating with love and respect. Don't go with the expectation of saving your marriage. If someone has fallen out of love with you, no amount of counselling or "trying" is going to change that.
This is a great idea. I was going to say that if someone thinks it's over... it is. At least their end. So what would you have then? A one-sided relationship.

It's one thing to end on a bad note where love is still there, but looks like he's just not caring anymore and wants out. This won't change.

But counselling for ending the relationship is a great idea and you can then co-parent as friends.

As for being in love with him. I'd say it will pass quickly but it won't when he will still be in your life, but it will pass eventually.

Holothane · 02/02/2022 17:18

I feel for you as I’m on the opposite side of you I’ve had up to here with mine I’m planning on leaving soon things are going ok for me now saving to be done next few months but a massive boost has helped enormously.

Snoken · 02/02/2022 17:20

Why do people keep saying that he has met someone else. It's really unhelpful for OP, and I am sure the thought would have crossed her mind already. Why make it worse?

There could be a whole lot of other reasons for DH's behaviour. Depression, mid-life crisis, struggling with the reality of having three children and a wife who depend on him. All sorts. I am not saying it's right that he has checked out, and chances are that OP, you will be absolutely fine without him. Bottom line is, don't beg for him to stay, it won't last in the long run if it's already dead.

BillMasen · 02/02/2022 17:22

@Kstormtrooper

Waiting on there being someone else waiting in the wings.
There’s always one who drops this lazy and unhelpful response in, based on nothing at all in the op. It’s really shitty
Toddlerteaplease · 02/02/2022 17:23

@Snoken it comes up on every single thread where a relationship is in trouble. I agree that it's very unhelpful. People do check out if marriages for other reasons.

BillMasen · 02/02/2022 17:23

@Aquamarine1029

Don't be surprised if he's already moved on with another woman. Sounds like it, honestly.
D sad pines like it how?
BillMasen · 02/02/2022 17:23

Sounds like it, I mean!

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 17:27

OP has said nothing to indicate that a new flame is any more likely than any of the other myriad reasons a person might end a relationship.

It could be anything.

Crazycrazylady · 02/02/2022 17:37

I think a number of years of illness puts huge strain on both parties in a relationship. The sad fact is that it kills the spark for many people and relationships don't often recover.
I'm sorry Op but you can't force him to stay with you when he clearly doesn't want to.

Satingreenshutters · 02/02/2022 17:39

If he is done, he is done and he sounds like he is done. If he wants out you have to let him go. You cannot hold him to ransom either. You cannot make someone want to stay. You cannot guilt them into it.

He doesn't sound like he has been mean or abusive or anything like that but has made his mind up and that is his prerogative. I can imagine you feel absolutely devastated but sounds like it has been bubbling for a while and has just now come to a head.

SnowWhitesSM · 02/02/2022 17:42

I think it sounds like he has depression. Caring for someone you love through cancer is going to impact you one way or the other. Also why are the dc saying horrible things to him? Sounds like he doesn't feel like he belongs in the home on top of carers burn out/depression.

WhatScratch · 02/02/2022 17:48

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It’s a huge shock - it’s like being hit side-on by someone coming through a t-junction; it seems to come from nowhere.

It’s totally reasonable to be all over the place. To not understand what’s happened and to just want everything to go back to normal.

Whatever the reason, it sounds like he wants a divorce and is already splitting off from the family unit. He’s not going to change his mind. You don’t have to be ok with that but you do need to accept that he’s made his decision. You need to start thinking about yourself and your DC, protecting yourself financially and you need to get some legal advice.

Original poster
Susue999 · 02/02/2022 17:51

Thank you all for the replies. Yes you are all right I can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want to. But really really struggling with this.

I haven’t told anyone IRL but he as well has told me I should get some support which doesn’t bode well does it.

I have wondered if he is depressed, and have mentioned it but this has been met with absolute defensiveness.

DC are unkind I think because in all honesty he hasn’t been at all emotionally present for a long time in family life.

I’m sure I’ve missed some questions but there is a few answers.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 02/02/2022 17:53

Sadly breaking up is not a democracy. If someone wants to leave, they are entitled to do that for whatever reason they want without the other’s agreement. It’s heartbreaking, I know, I’ve been dumped before by someone I loved and really struggled but trying to cling on only prolongs the agony.