Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH thinks it’s over - I don’t

67 replies

Susue999 · 02/02/2022 16:00

I know there are lots of threads on similar but I need a hand hold. DH of 11 years has told he he thinks it’s over. Things have been rocky for years I have had a lot of major health difficulties most recently involving cancer but was given the all clear. And I think this has taken its toll hugely on my DH. Of course it has on me too but after recent good news I just had a renewed optimism for life and a don’t sweat the small stuff attitude. I was ready to enjoy life again. It was just after this that DH first said he was y sure about things. I was shocked. Things have spiralled with him distancing more and more from family life resulting in our 3 DS saying very unkind things to him about him being detached etc which then makes him detach even more. He has fern sleeping in a separate part of the house despite by persuasions to return to our bed. Anyway he said yesterday that he things it’s over. I completely lost it and am ashamed to say I told him he couldn’t do this especially with forthcoming major op. He said he would support me regardless blah blah. He has agreed to counselling but am I really just flogging a dead horse. I cannot believe that he can just give up like that and say we are better off without him. I absolutely terrified but also still love him and don’t want a future without him.

OP posts:
MoreSmoresthansnores · 02/02/2022 17:58

Do you think you have actually listened to what your DH needs and wants. That matters too. Plenty of women come on MN and say the same. He isn't necessarily a cheater. YOU want to stay married. But he doesn't. Sadly you don't get to decide that. And it has probably been over for a long time. As sad as that is and as difficult it is most likely fact. It sounds like your DH has already processed that (so may appear to you he's moving on quickly). Time to start getting your thoughts feelings and affairs in order. And I'm sorry for you. It's super tough.

Sorecalf · 02/02/2022 18:11

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds really tough especially going through serious illness.

What struck me in your op was you say you 'think' your illness has impacted your H - is he not one for talking about how he feels generally?

How old are you DC? Tbh I can't imagine having a go at my dad for being detached/disengaged unless there was more to it, like he'd been neglectful in some way.

Original poster
Susue999 · 02/02/2022 18:17

Yes I agree he probably has had time to process where as I have just been blissfully (stupidly) thinking it will sort itself out.

My kids are 14 12 and then 5 but it’s the older two. They haven’t used those words but have said things like, you are never happy, don’t get involved in stuff, it’s like you don’t want to be here etc etc.

OP posts:
Sorecalf · 02/02/2022 18:36

What does he say to your kids when they say things like that to him?

Sounds tough all around. Sorry OP. Good communication is hard and it's even harder when you're going through something scary like serious illness.

drpet49 · 02/02/2022 18:39

** Put simply, he doesn't need your agreement. If he says it's over, then it's over.

I think you should see a counsellor without him, to help you manage the break-up and how you are going to move on.**

^This

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2022 18:43

@sadpapercourtesan

Put simply, he doesn't need your agreement. If he says it's over, then it's over.

I think you should see a counsellor without him, to help you manage the break-up and how you are going to move on.

Shouldn't be over with his children though.

He's behaving very badly

77kidsandcounting · 02/02/2022 18:46

Op don't listen to the people saying 'it sounds like hes found someone else' it doesnt sound like that at all. It does however sound like he has been really unhappy in the relationship and wants out, even the kids have noticed which isnt good. I speak from personal experience, it feels so suffocating to be in an umhappy relationship.

If you love him, let him go Flowers

Original poster
Susue999 · 02/02/2022 18:55

I think when the DC say stuff like that it pushes him further away and confirms to him that we would be better off without him. He keeps saying his head is a mess feels like it’s going to explode.

OP posts:
Amy89 · 02/02/2022 18:55

He has another woman. You just don’t know yet.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 19:04

@Susue999

I think when the DC say stuff like that it pushes him further away and confirms to him that we would be better off without him. He keeps saying his head is a mess feels like it’s going to explode.
Then he's doing the responsible thing by pulling away and dealing with his stuff on his own. You have to let him do what he needs to do.

@Amy89

Why would you jump to that conclusion, when people leave marriages for loads of different reasons?

Chloemol · 02/02/2022 19:07

Sounds to me that he has had a lot to digest. Ok you have been ill, but I bet he has been just as worried and concerned as you but felt he couldn’t show it as he had to support you, and put a brave face on it for the kids

Did he have to run the home and work whilst you have been ill? Has he had to run round after the kids? Plus work plus worry about you and the kids?

Maybe he feels he cant cope with it all, but can’t tell you. Counselling may help and draw this out and maybe he can get help?

It may not be another person it may be he has just reached tipping point and can’t see any other way out

Sorecalf · 02/02/2022 19:07

@Susue999

I think when the DC say stuff like that it pushes him further away and confirms to him that we would be better off without him. He keeps saying his head is a mess feels like it’s going to explode.
But does he say anything back to them? I guess I'm asking if your family talks about feelings generally.

I would get some support for yourself regardless. It might not feel like it now but it will help you feel better and stronger mentally to cope with this.

Gare22 · 02/02/2022 19:08

Sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar position with my DH except mine is also refusing counselling saying there's no point.
I don't have the added pressure of health issues, that must be really hard.
I hope you can have some sort of resolution or at the very least some answers. Flowers

LondonWolf · 02/02/2022 19:09

I'm sorry but the distancing from the kids indicates OW to me too. I really don't care if posters are irritated by that. Those who have been through it recognise the signs and process.

He has every right to leave you but to withdraw from his children is unforgivable and I would pull the plaster off and tell him to leave.

AfterSchoolWorry · 02/02/2022 19:10

It sounds like he's already moved on. He may just have been waiting until you got the all clear.

You can't counsel a marriage back to life. You said it yourself, you're 'flogging a dead horse'.

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 19:17

“People” leave relationships for all sorts of reasons. For men it’s usually because they’ve met someone else. It’s not lazy or unhelpful, it’s just trying to stop OP from torturing herself wondering what she’s done wrong or trying to convince him to stay when his heart is elsewhere.

If you’ve ever read any of the relationships board you’ll know that it’s depressingly common for a man to check out emotionally, say he’s just fallen out of love, and then lo and behold, a couple of weeks later out of the woodwork crawls an OW.

I know it’s not what anyone wants to hear, but it’s the most likely explanation for a man becoming distant from his DW and DCs.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 19:33

For men it’s usually because they’ve met someone else

No, it isn't. Do you base your idea of how society works on 'the relationships board'? That's a deeply skewed study.

Chiliandcheese · 02/02/2022 20:05

Even if he has met someone else (maybe men do more often need someone else to check out where as women don't...I have no idea..but surely that's sometimes a symptom not a cause). The fact is he has.
As it happens it is what I've done with my DH. I've slept separately for a couple of years. DH low level health problems but always something. I've carried the family. I just had enough. I don't hate or even dislike my soon to be ex but we are definitely not in love. The dc picked up on how over it was way before we'd even decided it. And very likely some of what they are saying is what they've picked up from you. My DC started saying I was a bully because my DH says I nag him. (Its a way to silence me).
Anyway this isn't about me. Its not your fault you were ill. But don't underestimate how tough it is carrying a family. It is 'in sickness and in health but sometimes if you have your own mental health issues the only way to.stop them is to separate. I see that in what you have posted.

Chiliandcheese · 02/02/2022 20:13

And to those saying OW. Sometimes you can be the best partner ever and there's an OW and sometimes actually you might be equally to blame for it being less than perfect and your DH goes off with someone else. I just don't believe that in every affair there is a completely blameless victim. Sometimes yes sometimes no.
In an ideal world all relationships would end amicably and without affairs etc and we would all move on.
Because I said enough is enough (for a couple of years tbf) I have been accused multiple times of having an affair and even my DHs solicitor said 'I bet your ex wife has someone else'.
So maybe let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he has taken the courage to end the relationship before that happens (also surely covid has stopped some of the opportunities for going off with other people?)
I'm sorry you are going through this. But ultimately you will be stronger and happier.

WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 20:16

I agree you can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want to and you begging/threatening him to stay is actually going to push him away more.

I would put on a brave face and tell him you agree and ask when he’ll be moving out - he’ll either still go and you’ll save your dignity or he’ll all of a sudden want to stay.

Remember just because he’ll move out and separate now - doesn’t mean you can’t work things out in the future.

Honeyroar · 02/02/2022 20:29

It sounds like the older boys have recognised that he’s checked out before you have. He’s wanting to leave, he’s been distancing himself for a while. He’s finally been truthful. It’s probably been hard to say while you’ve had so many health issues.

I agree, get counselling for yourself and surround yourself with friends. Concentrate on yourself.

AluckyEllie · 02/02/2022 20:36

He sounds very stressed if he is saying it feels like his head is going to explode. You have my sympathy with your poor health and cancer treatment but has anyone been looking after him/ checking he is okay? Does he have friends or family he can decompress with? Is he always having to be the ‘strong’ one supporting you, taking kids everywhere, organising everything?Is he having to take the financial strain? It sounds like he is burnt out, your kids have picked up on it and are being a bit rude and teenagery which is making him more depressed and sad.
I could have completely the wrong end of the stick and he’s just being an arse! However, he can leave. You shouldn’t emotionally blackmail him ‘you can’t leave me before the operation.’ How long have you been sick for, has he been supportive previously?

BillMasen · 02/02/2022 21:21

@Amy89

He has another woman. You just don’t know yet.
Oh ffs.
CloudyYellow · 01/12/2022 14:18

Churches la femme

CloudyYellow · 01/12/2022 14:27

*cherchez la femme