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Original poster

Insight required - if your partner had another partner, what would your feelings be?

126 replies

Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 22:59

I'd appreciate any insight or advice with regards to a strange scenario.

Try and imagine your partner also had another partner. Not an affair, or secret fling, but someone who they'd been close to for a long time. I guess what could be described as a polygamous relationship.

How do you think your feelings towards your partner would be? Would you still love them the same? Would you still feel as close to them? Do you think it'd be possible for you to love them in the same way as you do now, given that they'd be sharing their love, energy, time with someone else that they love.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/02/2022 23:08

Interesting.

I don't know. That's helpful Grin I know that I longed for dh to have an affair because being his wife was sometimes so difficult and I really needed some time off/to share him. But that would assume he carried on behaving the same to me, which I think would be a big ask.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 23:10

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had another partner, so I can't comment.

Original poster
Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 23:13

@PermanentTemporary

Interesting.

I don't know. That's helpful Grin I know that I longed for dh to have an affair because being his wife was sometimes so difficult and I really needed some time off/to share him. But that would assume he carried on behaving the same to me, which I think would be a big ask.

That is a point that I'd not really thought about, and I guess other people may share your perspective.

It also makes me think about other things, practical things when say kids are involved and it might give you a break or similar. However, this isn't what I'm trying to get at with the question, it's really all to do with feelings towards a partner, and how they may be different in the situation described in the first post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 23:15

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had another partner, so I can't comment.
I imagine almost all people wouldn't be. But if you can, try and imagine if you were.
OP posts:
Lilolily · 01/02/2022 23:17

I did, and it was the happiest time of my life. It’s difficult to describe to anyone who hasn’t been in the situation. Everyone thought it was so exciting and sordid but honestly, it just worked. We were all content and if anything it made me love him more.

WaningMoon · 01/02/2022 23:19

It’s a no from me. I am not a particularly jealous person - my DH is in the forces and we have done long stints in LDR’s , he has friends that have shared experiences with him which I will never understand, or be able to support him with as well as they can, but he is my partner, my best friend and there is no way I would be happy if there was a third partner in our marriage - it would ruin the closeness that we share.

Original poster
Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 23:24

@Lilolily

I did, and it was the happiest time of my life. It’s difficult to describe to anyone who hasn’t been in the situation. Everyone thought it was so exciting and sordid but honestly, it just worked. We were all content and if anything it made me love him more.
Thanks for your reply. Why do you think it worked? Was it just the right thing for that time of you and the other party's lives? Did you feel as close to them as you have done with partners in other relationships? Why do you think it ended?
OP posts:
Hdhr8jsj · 01/02/2022 23:24

I couldn't respect a partner who wanted this.
It wouldn't be the sex that would get to me, it's the intimacy.

Original poster
Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 23:28

@WaningMoon

It’s a no from me. I am not a particularly jealous person - my DH is in the forces and we have done long stints in LDR’s , he has friends that have shared experiences with him which I will never understand, or be able to support him with as well as they can, but he is my partner, my best friend and there is no way I would be happy if there was a third partner in our marriage - it would ruin the closeness that we share.
Thanks for taking the time.

The closeness thing is what I'm getting at. I'm trying to work out if it's possible to maintain a permanent feeling of closeness to someone who you're close to but are then not close to because they're being close to someone else.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 01/02/2022 23:31

I think it would be very different if it was open and honest from the start.
That's the only acceptable way.
I don't think it would be my cup of tea, I'd be concerned about STIs for a start. Also what if they then wanted to add someone else further down the line? I'd have to hold back for self preservation I think, so I know I wouldn't be suited to that lifestyle.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2022 23:37

Close to as in like a really good friend or close to as in shagging? Same or opposite sex?

Jaguarana · 01/02/2022 23:41

I couldn't do it. In a relationship I need closeness, intimacy, trust and security with one special person. I've never been in a relationship involving more than two people and wouldn't want to. I think I'd be eaten alive with jealousy and I couldn't live like that. I'm not the jealous type, DH and I have to spend a lot of time apart due to work commitments and we've never given each other any cause for concern. But sharing him with another person? That would end our relationship for sure.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/02/2022 23:47

I could not do it. I could have a non-serious relationship with someone who was seeing other people (so long as it was open and they knew about it) but not marriage or living together, or even exclusive.

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/02/2022 23:51

It wouldn’t work for me now in the relationship I’m in, as we’ve always only known each other and our relationship is built on us just as a couple.

However I’m not against the idea in theory. For arguments sake if I were single and I met someone who had this type of dynamic then I’d be open to try. Although I would also have to have the freedom to have another partner. I couldn’t just be sat like a numpty alone whilst they went on a date night!

My main reason for being open to the theory is that I don’t believe one person can or should fulfil every need. I believe you can love different people in different ways for different reasons at the same time.
You get different feelings from different partners, they invoke and awaken different parts of you.

I’m also good at compartmentalising. I’m sure that helps a lot.

It’s not for everyone but I’m sure it works well for some, assuming transparency and honesty is Always present

Thirtytimesround · 01/02/2022 23:53

There was a commune where they tried this ‘non-jealous, sharing love’ in the 1970s. What they found after a while was that all the men loved it, and all the women were sad. So the men told the women they were old-fashioned and narrow-minded, and the women became sadder and eventually left at which point it fell apart.

Anyway to answer your question, it would be over between us instantly. Humans simply aren’t polyamorous. Serial monogamists, perhaps, but not polyamorous. That only occurs post-war or in other situations where there’s uneven sex numbers and it never lasts long, historically.

Because it does not make people happy.

Christmasbird · 01/02/2022 23:58

Depends on how much you can compartmentalise your life.. some people could do this. Most can't

BaronessBomburst · 01/02/2022 23:58

I personally wouldn't want to do it but can understand how it would work for some people. You can love more than one child, more than one family member. You can be close to more than one friend. You get different things from different people so I understand how one person could have two partners fulfilling different needs. But would the two partners get their needs fulfilled? They would have to be less demanding than the central figure or have their own extra friendships/ relationships.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 00:10

I just think it would be so much bloody work, it’s hard enough running one relationship 😩, also I knew someone who was polyamorous and she told me more partners did not mean more sex, and I did think, well what’s the point then?! Grin

RoseSays · 02/02/2022 00:18

Wouldn't work for me.

I unless I get the best bits and none of the crappy bits....and the other interested party did all the drudgy stuff?

I actually wouldn't be able to do that either - I wouldn't screw over another woman.
I'd prefer to ditch the man altogether (because it's mostly the single man in this love triangle?) and live in harmony with the other woman and lots of cats please.

fallfallfall · 02/02/2022 00:27

i could see it as being a bit of a fake game. am i prettier am i wittier.
if i fully voice my opinion would he fully leave me for her.
my desire to look pretty and be sexy would be full on fake, i'd be doing it not for us but so he wouldn't be interested as much in her.
financially i don't see this working out long term. if he brought 100K to the relationship i'd expect a 100K lifestyle. him bringing in a split in half (and would it be 50K) would get tiresome.
i'd rather him get a wholesome hobby like golf...where there's too much togetherness i could suggest he go to the club.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/02/2022 00:31

I'm not very good at sharing. Especially when it comes to my DH's dick.

Is this being imposed upon you?

Onthedunes · 02/02/2022 00:39

No, not a sharer when it comes to mind and body.

Are you saying this man has a long term partner or wife and you've been welcomed to the fold by both parties or just one of them?

psychomath · 02/02/2022 00:52

I don't have a partner but hypothetically, I don't think it would affect how I saw them if it was a ménage à trois situation where we were all living together and sleeping with each other (that assumes I'm attracted to both people, obviously!) But if my partner was going off to have sex with someone else I wasn't involved with, I'd feel I didn't know them as well because we all behave at least a little differently around different people. In a monogamous relationship I would (ideally) be the person they were most 'real' with, so even if they behaved a bit differently around their friends, it wouldn't matter as much to me because I'd be the one seeing the closest thing to their true self. In a polygamous relationship where I was one of two equal partners I'd feel like I was only seeing one half of their real self. I'm not sure if that makes sense, I don't feel like I'm explaining it very well.

SpidersAreShitheads · 02/02/2022 00:52

So, you're asking whether another partner would affect intimacy. Setting aside issues of jealousy etc for the time being, if they were a true partner rather than just a side shag piece then I don't see how it could possibly NOT affect intimacy.

Your partner gets good news at work - who does he ring first, you or her?

Christmas morning - who gets to wake up with him? His birthday? New Year's Eve?

All those special days of the year that you create memories with your partner, you'd either have to share them with the other person present - which would absolutely affect intimacy - or you'd have to lose him for some of those occasions.

Something terrible happens - does he turn to you or her for comfort?

What happens if the other partner wants a baby?

Funnily enough, I told my DS earlier today that love isn't a finite supply, and that there's always enough to go round. But this is about intimacy and how your relationship is affected. When you're in a relationship, you're a partnership, a team - someone else interfering with that would undoubtedly affect your intimacy in a very profound way.

Hairyfriend · 02/02/2022 01:01

Not for me, but if it was something from the very start, and an open relationship, I can see some doing it.

My concern would be that I would essentially be also sleeping with the 'other person' too. If no contraception/protection was used, then we are all sharing the same organs and susceptible to the same diseases. Also, what are the dynamics if me, or the other person got pregnant (assume they are female)?