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Relationships

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Insight required - if your partner had another partner, what would your feelings be?

126 replies

Downinthebottomofthegarden · 01/02/2022 22:59

I'd appreciate any insight or advice with regards to a strange scenario.

Try and imagine your partner also had another partner. Not an affair, or secret fling, but someone who they'd been close to for a long time. I guess what could be described as a polygamous relationship.

How do you think your feelings towards your partner would be? Would you still love them the same? Would you still feel as close to them? Do you think it'd be possible for you to love them in the same way as you do now, given that they'd be sharing their love, energy, time with someone else that they love.

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 02/02/2022 17:58

Surely you’re just living a promiscuous lifestyle and shagging whoever you want whenever you want. Errr... yeah?? The thing is though, you can have different kinds and layers of relationships because they aren't all "building towards" marriage and children, or buying a house together, or whatever.

So it's not random shagging everyone, what an odd idea.

I personally only want to sleep with someone if they're appealing to me, which usually means honest, sorted in their lives, solvent (ie not a potential cocklodger) intelligent, kind, positive, liberal, etc etc.

So those people, I become close to and can love - feel for them, support their endeavours, want to see them, enjoy their love of me, share intimacies of several kinds. Sex isn't some massive thing to either build up to or avoid. Sexual health is important too. Mostly, I need to know they care for me and hold space for me, to a greater or lesser degree as the relationships evolve.

In our case me and my husband have chosen to put each other as "primary" - we have a link that we don't want to break & it's established in society and helps us take care of our children and we have promised to be together forever and we want to keep that promise. I feel it's less likely one of us will leave because - why would we?? Not for love or sex elsewhere. Maybe if we started to dislike each other or we didn't pull our weight or didn't communicate. But that happens anyway in monogamous marriage, right? I completely believe my husband is my husband and he loves me. If he doesn't love me he is free to behave like a housemate... but we show each other a lot of love and prioritise growing that love together.

EthicalNonMahogany · 02/02/2022 18:01

And yes I would say we each have at least one other "partner" - not whole-life partners or financial partners but in terms of emotional support and reliability. It's easier at our age (50s) as the kids are all done with and nobody is fighting for "life partner resources" iyswim.

Freedom22 · 02/02/2022 18:31

I personally couldn’t do it, I can only feel romantically about one person at a time. But I could love another person like you love a friend or family member I guess. But definitely I’d only be able to have that physical and romantic intimacy with one person

Downinthebottomofthegarden · 02/02/2022 20:38

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, there're some helpful and insightful comments posted.

And for those that asked, yes I'm currently in this situation myself.

OP posts:
bellalou1234 · 02/02/2022 20:46

My dp had a best friend female. They would ring each other, text, go shopping ect... we used to go out as a 4 with her dh.. turns out they'd slept together before we met. Changed everything. I thought they hadn't been in touch for years, turns out they've been in touch all the times and he's helped her out of a massive thing. It's doesn't sit well

Squeezyhug · 02/02/2022 20:50

Absolutely wouldn’t work for me because I’d instantly be turned off them and I’d walk away from it all.

ElectraBlue · 02/02/2022 21:00

I think some people have tried recently to push polyamory as a trendy, 'evolved' way of conducting relationships and you see quite a few people on dating site seeking these type of relationships.

But to me that is a lot of nonsense and I can't help feeling this is another thing that benefits men more than women.

Frankly who has the time and energy to start with to put equally into two or more relationships? dealing one is hard enough...

Plus I don't believe that jealousy and insecurity does not creep in in these types of arrangements.

If you have kids then it start to get even more complicated, not to mention confusing for them.

They are also practical risks to think about. If multiple partners are involved to me it would seem it increases a risk of STD.

I have come across a few people who claim to practice polyamory a few years ago. One couple who had been poly for a while divorced when the husband fell in love with one of the other women he was seeing and decided he wanted to marry her...Most of these people in fact just wanted to enjoy casual sex alongside their main relationship, The idea that everyone in these arrangements were equally loved and valued was simply delusional.

I would want nothing to do with a man (or woman) who claims to be poly. Most of it is good old bed-hopping and fear of commitment repackaged to make it sound vaguely ethical and edgy.

EthicalNonMahogany · 02/02/2022 21:14

I think you're right about power imbalance @ElectraBlue when it comes to having & raising children. The sort of 'poly' man who wants to abdicate responsibility for a family I would have nothing to do with.

But for the rest of life - is it bad to enjoy casual sex alongside your main relationship?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/02/2022 21:19

Now im older im somewhat curious about this
I’d quite like to have more than one man on a casual basis
I never thought that before

Regarding other partner , I’d want to know babe minimum and ideally not meet them

Wreath21 · 03/02/2022 11:21

@AlternativePerspective

It’s also IMO a part of a misogynist society.

These cultures and sects who permit polygamous relationships only do so on the basis the man can have multiple wives. The concept behind it makes sense because many women wouldn’t be able to survive were they not a part of a marriage in olden times, plus from a genetic perspective it would be known who was the father of the children.

But it’s still the case that it’s the man who makes the decisions, and the women who have to be content with whatever attention he chooses to give them.

Mind you I can’t imagine any woman in their right mind would want more than one husband 😂.

This is why a lot of contemporary poly relationships tend to focus on female choice and autonomy (though obviously there are dodgy men who try to insist that the not-so-consensual harem-keeping type relationships they prefer are the superior or indeed 'natural' way to do it).

One of the reasons some enjoy poly relationships is that they have other things in their life which matter as much if not more than couplehood - they only have a small proportion of time to devote to partners. For others, they have plenty of time and want to be sure there will always be someone around when they want some company.

Monogamous marriage was previously an economic arrangement anyway - the man brought in money and the woman provided all the domestic, emotional and sexual support in exchange for food, shelter etc. Modern monogamous marriage might be more equal financially but it has mutated into this rather grim ideal of one person being enough to meet all of another's needs.

user1481840227 · 04/02/2022 00:57

@Downinthebottomofthegarden

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, there're some helpful and insightful comments posted.

And for those that asked, yes I'm currently in this situation myself.

Are you ok with being in this situation? Did you have a say or did your partner just tell you it was happening and you had to put up with it?

How other people would feel in this situation is pretty irrelevant.....if there was 100 responses saying they could deal with it and still love their partner the same it still makes no difference to your situation. You might not be able to deal with it!

Hawkins001 · 04/02/2022 01:03

@Downinthebottomofthegarden

I'd appreciate any insight or advice with regards to a strange scenario.

Try and imagine your partner also had another partner. Not an affair, or secret fling, but someone who they'd been close to for a long time. I guess what could be described as a polygamous relationship.

How do you think your feelings towards your partner would be? Would you still love them the same? Would you still feel as close to them? Do you think it'd be possible for you to love them in the same way as you do now, given that they'd be sharing their love, energy, time with someone else that they love.

As long as all parties are above board and positivity with the arrangement then I guess, happy families so to speak
MeSanniesareBrannies · 04/02/2022 09:54

@bellalou1234

My dp had a best friend female. They would ring each other, text, go shopping ect... we used to go out as a 4 with her dh.. turns out they'd slept together before we met. Changed everything. I thought they hadn't been in touch for years, turns out they've been in touch all the times and he's helped her out of a massive thing. It's doesn't sit well
I don’t understand this at all. They slept together before you met, so he can never speak to her again? Why?!
nansbigpants · 04/02/2022 10:30

I would never feel as close to him as I'd want to. Part of the closeness I have with my partner is knowing that we have the same priorities (for our time, money, energy etc) and that we will support each other through difficult times. If there was another partner in the picture I can't see how we could put eachother (and our DC) first in the same way. There would be bound to be times where my needs and the needs of the other partner clashed. This is not the same as having friends or other family members that he also wants to support; in that situation he would support them if he could but if I had an equal need for his time or our money etc I would come first.

Even if I was happy with the arrangement and didn't feel jealous, I would always be wondering what he would do if the other partner changed her mind- would be break things off with her and just be with me? would he break things off with me? would be want to replace her with someone else that I might not get along with?

mrsrat · 04/02/2022 10:51

I don't think you are askin either questions for the right reasons are you a journalist or a writer

cheerup · 04/02/2022 22:07

Exclusive relationship escalator relationships are absolutely not for me as a divorced woman in her late 40s. I put a huge value on my freedom and independence and I don't need another person's resources to help maintain my lifestyle. My kids, work and friendships are my biggest investments of time and energy.Romantic relationships and intimicy are important but are not the be all and end all. I don't expect one person to be able to meet all my needs. The flip side of this is is that I have to accept that my to lovers deserve the same freedom and flexibility that I seek. We are not be talking large numbers or short term flings but a couple of ongoing but casual loving and caring relationships between autonomous grown ups.

2Rebecca · 04/02/2022 22:25

Not for me. I've not got the emotional energy to come home from work each evening and do the pick me dance. I'm pretty monogamous, if my partner isn't then the partnership is over. I want to be someone's special person not part of a harem

RantyAunty · 05/02/2022 00:34

You don't ever have to accept anything you don't like.

There are so many men out there who would see you as special to spend another minute on someone who doesn't.

LewittDee · 05/02/2022 02:12

I'm the hinge in a relationship like this (meaning, I am in a serious relationship with two men). As they're both LDRs, the relationships rarely (if ever) interfere with each other. If anything, they're better because I don't have to rely on just one. Might be different if I had a big family or something, but they're really my main two relationships (besides my DS).

We used to all live on the same block (I lived with one partner and the other lived down the road) and it was a bit of a ballache as they were a bit competitive about it. Although it was convenient having another household nearby where I could pop round to pick up some sugar, and DS had the run of both houses, there was always someone around to play lego or whatever.

I didn't really plan it like this, but was dating both of them somewhat casually and ended up not wanting to pick, so told them that I wouldn't and they could stick with me or not. They both did.

Probably has a lot to do with being widowed suddenly with a very young DS and hedging my bets!

LewittDee · 05/02/2022 02:14

@Downinthebottomofthegarden

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, there're some helpful and insightful comments posted.

And for those that asked, yes I'm currently in this situation myself.

I didn't see this before I posted. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Relationships are meant to make your life better. As someone who has been involved with a similar circumstance for years, the social issues alone make it not worth it if you're not certain.
BraveGoldie · 05/02/2022 10:37

@AlternativePerspective

Surely you’re just living a promiscuous lifestyle and shagging whoever you want whenever you want.

It’s madness to dress it up as having multiple “partners” other than that the term partner is used in a different context.

Essentially, someone in an open relationship is just sexually promiscuous. Nothing wrong with that if that’s your thing, but people who think that their husband who has multiple partners is actually just their husband and in love with them are kidding themselves.

Open relationships are just a green light to shag around without it being considered as cheating.

You obviously know so little about it but are very keen to dismiss and judge.

There are numerous forms of different relationship set up and one of the first things people do who open their relationship is establish their specific way of doing it. That might be total long term faithfulness to two separate partners (sometimes partners of different genders - a kind of bimonogamy), or when the extra partner is shared fully like a throuple, or when one partner has multiple permanent partners, who are not sexual with one another - like polygamy. In these cases it is very much about deep partnership and the model of your life, not promiscuity.

Sometimes it is that the couple only ever 'play together' so they have 'friends with benefits' relationships that they share (Eg a single woman/'unicorn' joins a married couple in their home over the weekend for companionship and three-way sex, or two couples who get along really well together meet up to play or 'full swap'. This is often more about exploring a deeper kind of intimacy and freedom with your existing partner - opening up to helping your partner and yourself meet different or deeper needs, growing together.... protecting each other as you go through new experiences, breaking down societal limitations to have a more honest relationship and communication about the complexity of desires.

Others are more about casual, consenting sex, when you go to sex parties and/or are totally open and each partner can do whatever they want sexually. Another model is the 'hot wife' in which the man often is faithful but allows (and is turned on by) his wife having sex with other men. (There seems to be a lot of assumption on this thread that it's the man with multiple partners getting all the sex, and I'm not sure that's true). These very open forms are a lot about liberation and might fit with your perception closest, but your use of the word 'just promiscuous' still sounds judgemental and dismissive.

In all of these cases, the people in the relationships, and any single people getting involved need to be really clear on the boundaries that work for them and respect each others boundaries and communicate very well

People are actually right, I think, that it is tiring! It forces you to confront all kinds of issues around what sex, intimacy, consent, boundaries etc really mean... rather than sleep walking through your relationship, as many of us do after a few years and everything is basically 'static' and 'nonexploratory'. It often challenges body confidence and means being much more assiduous about protecting your personal safety etc... and you are constantly at risk of judgement. You often have a split life - between 'vanilla' friends and your play friends because of this judgement.

Some folk on this thread seem to think that you have to go to the 70s to see evidence of this stuff- but it's happening all around you in a pretty wild and big scale! More of you than you realize may know people who are leading this split life! 

BraveGoldie · 05/02/2022 10:39

@AlternativePerspective

It’s also IMO a part of a misogynist society.

These cultures and sects who permit polygamous relationships only do so on the basis the man can have multiple wives. The concept behind it makes sense because many women wouldn’t be able to survive were they not a part of a marriage in olden times, plus from a genetic perspective it would be known who was the father of the children.

But it’s still the case that it’s the man who makes the decisions, and the women who have to be content with whatever attention he chooses to give them.

Mind you I can’t imagine any woman in their right mind would want more than one husband 😂.

Agree that's the norm! Though I do know a woman in France who has lived with two husbands for thirty years. They are both totally faithful to her and she picks and chooses between them according to her mood. They are both good at different things, and when you add them both together, she is a very content woman. Smile
Lolabray · 05/02/2022 11:42

I wouldn’t have a partner with another partner. It’s hard enough having one partner never one that could be spreading diseases to me

Wreath21 · 05/02/2022 11:55

Thing is, promiscuity is good for you and more people should do it. It's particularly good for women. We are told that we want and need monogamy more than men, and it simply isn't true (your personal preferences are your personal preferences etc, you do not have to engage in stuff that you really don't want to do). The monogamous 'ideal' has always been about every man being entitled to own the domestic and reproductive services of a women (just like Lobsterknob Petersen advocates, the way to deal with all those incels is to just hand them each a woman.)
Men wanting to marry virgins is mainly about men not wanting to make any kind of effort sexually - a virgin might believe the man that no one really likes foreplay and every good girl takes it up the arse with no lube or whatever.

Women being told over and over that the worst thing that could ever happen is for Their Man to seek sex with someone else are women who will devote the majority of their time and attention to keeping a man happy... rather than doing stuff that's more interesting and more for their own benefit.

As a PP said, if you have a decent life on your own, one or more playmates is fine but monogamy isn't worth the effort.

WaningMoon · 05/02/2022 22:47

Thing is, promiscuity is good for you and more people should do it. It's particularly good for women

Bollocks. (No pun intended!)

Promiscuity is not “good for you”, besides the risk of spreading disease, unwanted pregnancy and the emotional impact of having sex with multiple partners it is also basic biology- Homo sapiens are hard wired for pair bonding (even males, because despite what society tries to tell us biology tells a different story!)

I love sex, I have a fulfilling sex life with my DH, prior to meeting my DH I had sex with many people, some relationships and some one night stands, and the best sex I have ever had is with my DH and it is because of the emotional bond we share.

We heard all this free love stuff back in the 70s and it was just as bollocks then as it is now.