Insight required - if your partner had another partner, what would your feelings be?

[Downinthebottomofthegarden]

I'd appreciate any insight or advice with regards to a strange scenario.

Try and imagine your partner also had another partner. Not an affair, or secret fling, but someone who they'd been close to for a long time. I guess what could be described as a polygamous relationship.

How do you think your feelings towards your partner would be? Would you still love them the same? Would you still feel as close to them? Do you think it'd be possible for you to love them in the same way as you do now, given that they'd be sharing their love, energy, time with someone else that they love.

I'm seeing a man who has a partner. She also has another partner. Everyone's aware of each other

I think they must have such a genuine strong bond for them to be comfortable with them seeing and sleeping with other people

In done with relationships, been hurt too many times. But if someone was "my" person, I don't think I could cope with them seeing other people

Saying that, I am also seeing 2 men who are aware of each other, but none of them are my person

I couldn't. I'm not good at sharing.

I'd likely pretend to be OK with it, then lash out at my partner, and his other partner. Most likely call them all sorts of things. I wouldn't feel close to him again, although would likely still love him but feel really hurt by it.

I'd feel intense jealousy and rage. I don't share well.

My partner has another partner. It's hard to explain...I think a lot of it comes down to understanding a few important things:

• love expands, rather than being cut up like a cake. So like when you have kids, you don't love your first any less, your loves expands so that you now have just as much love for both, or more.

• another person isn't a threat to your relationship. Unlike serial monogamy, where you could get dumped because they have their eye on someone else. With polyamory it's just another person who adds to your partner's happiness

• which leads me on to compersion. Which is the happy feeling you get when your partner is happy, and that includes when you see the, being cute with another partner. Not everyone gets this, and I think it makes polyamory much easier if you do get it

• feeling left out, or jealous (which are not the same thing) are nothing to be ashamed of, and it's ok to talk about it, as it usually comes from an insecurity in your own relationship...like not having enough time with your partner. If you can't talk to your partner about this stuff, then polyamory is unlikely to work well with your current/prospective partner.

• there's the wonderful freedom of not having to be 100% a match and not having to be your partner's everything. It's ok if they have different needs that you can't or don't want to meet, as they may have that with another partner. And if they're in crisis, they can spread the emotional burden across all of you so you don't get overwhelmed....Actually this can take a bit of getting used to, but I really appreciate it now.

Also, it needs to be equitable. You need to be able to have other partners if you want them (you might choose not to, but it needs to be your choice, not anyone else's). Some people put restrictions on their partners about what they're allowed to do physically/emotionally. Unless it's safe sex stuff, those sorts of restrictions can lead to resentment and it's unlikely to end well.

I would feel like I wasn't sexually attractive enough to keep them happy. I would feel like there must be something wrong with me for them to want to spend so much time with another partner and love them. I would worry that they loved them more than me, that they wanted to spend more time with them, that they had more in common, that he smiles more around them. I would worry I was second-best. I would be insanely jealous. It would ruin me.

When I was younger I would have been ok with my partner having sex with someone else as well, but not the emotional side, I couldn"t then, and I couldn't now, share my partner with someone else that he was in love with.

Are you considering being the new partner in this relationship OP? If you are, and you have not been both agreeable to it, but also looking forward to it, then I would advise you not to do it. In fact just the thought of sharing my partner emotionally is making me feel ill.

@Downinthebottomofthegarden it absolutely worked because it was the right people, right time. I felt closer to my partner and as if I understood him more and could be more open than in other relationships. I also felt like I always had support. Despite there being no physical relationship between us I felt that I also gained incredibly from her being in his life. It ended because she fell in love with someone else. We all knew from the beginning that it wasn’t forever.

I don't share men.

I don't get jealous easily and I don't think I would be overly bothered about comparatives either but I'm damned if I'm making someone a priority when I'm only an option for them. To me, it comes down to mutual respect.

For me I know I couldn't enter a relationship if they already had another other. I know I couldn't handle it so I'd just avoid the situation altogether.
I'd be jealous for sure and I know even if I tried at the beginning I couldn't deal with it for long.

It reminds me of when I found out that my ex husband had been in a relationship with another woman for two years. I found all their messages so I knew what they'd been doing .

It wasn't the sex that upset me , so much as the intimacy they shared , while I was at home with his children, doing the ironing or watching TV alone . It was crushing to read about the nice walks, the games of tennis, the weekend away in a lovely place , the birthday lunch .....all done together, all knowing that I was at home alone.

If you choose to live with someone who is also with another partner, your life would be like that all the time, with the only difference being that he wouldn't even bother to lie or cover up what he'd been doing . You'd spend a lot of time alone, knowing full well that he was spending quality time with someone else. And she'd be in the same position . Jolly nice for the man in the middle, but horrible for the women who have to put up with half a relationship.

Why are you asking? Is it research for an essay or an article?

I would never allow this.

I wouldn't be able to deal with sharing.
I would imagine for those people who share who don't want to that they would feel hurt, jealous, upset, sad etc, heartbroken that their partner shared a strong intimate bond with another person.
Then the person would probably feel grateful when their partner came home . It has all the makings of trauma bonding written all over it. Love could never be the same in that case. There would be so much sadness.

- another person isn't a threat to your relationship. Unlike serial monogamy, where you could get dumped because they have their eye on someone else. With polyamory it's just another person who adds to your partner's happiness

Of course another person could still be a threat to the relationship...and you could still get dumped.

What is your experience op? Are you a journalist - as your posts seem to want lots of information without giving anything away?

I was in exclusively polyamorus relationships for a good few years. It was lovely, mostly! I'm happier monogamous but that might just be because I'm in a different stage of life now.

I have tried this, it didn't work for us. We are now open (non monogamous) but not poly ie other relationships are casual only. That works for us.

Instead of posting this vague situation, why not post what is really going on so people can give better advice?

I've read a lot about the various iterations of polyamory and open relationships and it all makes a lot of logical sense to me. The idea that no one can be absolutely everything to someone else, the idea that love expands and isn't finite. I also don't really feel jealousy, it's an abstract concept that I read about but have never experienced.

The reason it's not for me is the sheer hard work involved though. For poly/open relationships to be fair, harmonious and equally beneficial to all parties, there needs to be radical honesty and constant communication. I couldn't really deal with thinking and talking about my feelings so much. It's not a coincidence that poly people have a reputation for telling everyone all the time about being poly - you have to be someone who's really, really into your own emotions.

And as an introvert who needs a lot of me time, the idea of having to maintain relationships with multiple people gives the chills. When do you get to be alone?! My other relationship is with myself, thanks very much.

Why are you asking, OP? Can you tell us how you imagine it? Are you in this position? Are you writing an article on it?

No, it's not for me. It's not even the sex or intimacy.

My life is busy enough. I have 2 kids. I don't mind factoring in dp, into plans. I could not be arsed factoring me, my kids, dp and dps dp into plans as well. If I want to go on holiday, I want to go. Not look at dates because it falls and dps girlfriends birthday, or a wedding they were attending together or a holiday they booked.

I purposely avoided dating men with kids. Because I didn't want to factor him and his kids, and therefore, his exs kids into my plans. I was quite happy to remain single rather than that.

I am just not willing to accommodate an extra person's life or plans.

In theory i don't see why not. After all, its pretty much the only hunan relationship where we think exclusivity is essential. Much closer (imo) relationships exist where there is plurality, such as being a mother to more than one child, or a very close friend to more than one other person. Its interesting that the sexual partnership is given this unique status, as in all honesty I'm not convinced that it always deserves it. Putting all your eggs in one man's basket as it were, is probably not the best thing for women.

Theoretically I wouldn't mind.

But only if I wasn't crazy in love with my DH.

When I was divorced and a single mum, I was approached with offers of entering into a plural marriage (it's religiously acceptable for us although culturally everyone is horrified). I preferred the option of being single frankly.

I could see it being an option to pool resources and have a man around when you need one. I actually know friends who have given this a lot of consideration because it was better than being a single struggling mum.

I do know of some women who are in polygamous relationships, one woman always leaves, or ends up divorced and the relationship takes the conventional monogamous status.

Also for me I would want the option of having the legal recognition and protection of being a spouse if I entered into a polygamous relationship. I wouldn't want to suddenly be homeless with kids in tow if H decided he much preferred wife two three or whatever.

I'd also want explicit acceptance and consent from the first wife. No way would I want to be breaking another woman's heart and home life (not that desperate for a bloke).

I'd much prefer to be the fun wife who H visits then goes off to his first wife who also washes his socks etc, I had an acquaintance who was the beautiful younger second wife and she had the perfect set up, her husband would come visit her and they'd have fun and then he'd go home to his first wife and second wife was happy with the freedom and lack of drudgery (no idea how first wife felt). They had a child together and the H always maintained he would take cull custody of the child if the marriage broke down. His wife never said anything about that, but I'm pretty sure reality would have given the H a shock if they ever split.

I think I would much prefer my original plan when I got divorced, which would be to live in an extended house with my best friend with both our kids, pooling our resources and talents and abilities and supporting each other bringing up our children.

I wouldn't ever consent to an open or polyamorous relationship and if that was what my partner wanted, I would leave.

I believe we have plenty of love as humans to share with as many people who need it (we can love as many children, or friends as we need to), but there is only space for one truly intimate relationship and trying to share that intimacy would only lead to heartbreak for me so I wouldn't try it.

I think I would much prefer my original plan when I got divorced, which would be to live in an extended house with my best friend with both our kids, pooling our resources and talents and abilities and supporting each other bringing up our children.

This would my preferred option too. And my best friends. Unfortunately she is married and I love dp. But if we ever find ourselves single, that's what we would do.

@Thirtytimesround

There was a commune where they tried this ‘non-jealous, sharing love’ in the 1970s. What they found after a while was that all the men loved it, and all the women were sad. So the men told the women they were old-fashioned and narrow-minded, and the women became sadder and eventually left at which point it fell apart.

Anyway to answer your question, it would be over between us instantly. Humans simply aren’t polyamorous. Serial monogamists, perhaps, but not polyamorous. That only occurs post-war or in other situations where there’s uneven sex numbers and it never lasts long, historically.

Because it does not make people happy.

Doesn’t the first paragraph indicate that it does make some people happy - men?

I think it’s not generally accepted as we have all been conditioned over many years to believe in Monogamy. It’s only people who challenge the conditioning who could do this. It’s very hard to break the habits acquired over millions of years. I find the concept exciting but not sure I would find the reality the same. I tend to find being with one person for many years a bit dull and stifling. Same stories, same issues, same problems. I’d be happier if relationships were like PCP deals- 4 year contract then either buy or give back!