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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where do I find someone?

59 replies

NorthGirlie · 31/01/2022 19:52

Hello,
I’m out of a long, loveless/sexless marriage. Bottom line…I wasn’t attracted to him and realised, as I matured, I’d made a massive mistake. We’ve been apart over a year now. I ended it. Divorce almost finalised. I spent many years pretending I could live with someone that I wasn’t attracted to - I couldn’t - it wasn’t fair on me, nor him. Age gap, differences and lack of connection were just a few of the reasons I had to end it. My happiness was non-existent.

Anyway, I was thinking of the future. I was never one for dating much when I was young (probably why I ended up with someone who didn’t connect with me) so have no idea what to do now. I’m almost 50 btw. Where on earth do I meet anyone? Any advice? I’m still attractive - so I am told.
What’s the best thing to do?

OP posts:

Milomonster · 31/01/2022 21:34

Online dating is a cesspit full of shitheads but worth a shot to kickstart the process of meeting men for the sake of meeting men and learning about your boundaries. Also, interest groups, for example, download Meetup and find something you enjoy.

Charley50 · 31/01/2022 21:35

@Milomonster

😂😂 A glowing testament to online dating.

Tempnamelady · 31/01/2022 21:39

@Milomonster that’s spot on, I signed up out of curiosity after a bottle of wine , was horrified at what I saw so it’s not for me.

Milomonster · 31/01/2022 21:50

I say that having just matched with the most handsome man I think have ever laid eyes on (a bit of internet sleuthing proves him to be who he says he is). He actually replies to messages, and has asked to meet for a coffee within 24 hours of matching. So, @NorthGirlie it’s worth persisting. I’m 4 years into this (irregularly). There are plenty of happy stories on MN too, and there is every possibility you’ll meet someone!

There is a very active dating thread on here where you’ll get lots of great advice.

Original poster

NorthGirlie · 01/02/2022 12:39

I get the feeling that there aren’t any decent ones with OLD. I reckon I’ll be alone forever.

OP posts:

Pky45 · 01/02/2022 12:44

“Online dating is a cesspit full of shitheads”

Gettingonwithit12 · 01/02/2022 12:49

@Milomonster

😂😂 this does sum it up quite nicely, I have yet to meet a normal, interesting man online but it has been quite helpful in helping to get back into the swing of things and also for working out what I definitely don’t want.

I am in a similar position OP, not much experience of dating and made a disastrous decision many years ago which led to a terrible long term relationship. I sympathise, it’s difficult!

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 14:22

@NorthGirlie

I get the feeling that there aren’t any decent ones with OLD. I reckon I’ll be alone forever.

I thought that and was wrong.

The thing is, people we can be compatible with for a long term romantic relationship are few and far between. Most of us are not compatible with most of us. All you can do is be in lots of places, meeting lots of people.

The answer to your thread title might be 'In the shop when you accidentally run over his toe with your trolley', or 'In the street when you slip off the kerb and he says 'Are you ok?'

Just be everywhere, doing everything. It's really good to do that anyway, because then when you have a date, you can talk about last week when you were windsurfing, and the history tour you went on last week just after you finished your rehearsal with the community samba band, and about how your go-karting next week almost clashed with your life drawing class... Just work on having a life that interests you and keeps you busy. You won't be able to avoid meeting new people, and even if you were to only meet women, at some point, you'll end up with people saying to you 'Ooh, you must meet up with my husband's friend Joe, he's a lovely bloke and he and his wife broke up...'

TheBoreOfHabilon · 01/02/2022 15:13

Join a spin class. Although you can't speak to people during the class - for obvious reasons - you get a chance at the end.

Mermaidwaves · 01/02/2022 19:00

online dating is a cesspit full of shitheads

This is the best description of OLD so far!

Original poster

NorthGirlie · 01/02/2022 20:21

Two of my colleagues met their husbands on OLD. Still happily married with children! Can’t be all that bad right?

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 20:31

@NorthGirlie

Two of my colleagues met their husbands on OLD. Still happily married with children! Can’t be all that bad right?

There's a higher proportion of emotionally unhealthy people on OLD than if you went out and actually did wholesome activities to meet someone, purely because the only reason people are there is to 'meet someone', meaning that lots of people who have no idea how to actually go out and meet someone will pool there. And people can be plain about generally frowned upon behaviours, so manners can be a bit... diminished.

It's a bit like meeting someone in a singles bar! All the sleazebags are there, but it doesn't mean there aren't decent people there too, they're just more diluted in the pool.

Lemonweightloss · 01/02/2022 20:42

A cesspit full of shitheads.

I have never done OLD, I never intend to do any OLD, but this has cracked me up 🤣

Milomonster · 01/02/2022 22:43

I’m not usually prone to making people laugh but I’m laughing that you all found my description funny. Thank you.

@NorthGirlie I really think @TheFoundation has given great advice about getting yourself out there (she gives a lot of great advice on this board, I’m general). I attend my yoga classes regularly, and it’s been lovely getting to know the regulars there. I don’t find it easy to make new friends, but I think as I’m feeling more open as a person, I’m definitely attracting people into my life (not romantically, but just nice and decent people). I was reading my book in the park a couple of weeks ago, and a guy stopped to ask what it was about. He was the loveliest man and we will meet again. I don’t think it will lead anywhere but it gave me the confidence to think I could do the same. I’m also paying more attention to eye contact and smiling when out, and people do respond to that. Again, that’s not for dating purposes but to feel more connected to people around me. It’s taken me 4 years to get to a good place after divorce. I do feel ready now to meet someone but the OLD dates were not a waste as I learned a lot about (as a pp said) what I don’t want from a person. Look at OLD as an opportunity to meet people you may not come across in your day to life, and see what happens. Don’t give up. Find the time to take care of yourself, as that’s so important.

Milomonster · 01/02/2022 22:45

@Pky45 please share your experience! I think it’s really important for us women to know what it’s like on the other side (and apologies for my comment - it wasn’t meant to denigrate all men. I have met some decent ones, but they are in the minority).

EarthSight · 02/02/2022 01:33

[quote Pky45]“Online dating is a cesspit full of shitheads”

EarthSight · 02/02/2022 01:37

[quote Milomonster]@Pky45 please share your experience! I think it’s really important for us women to know what it’s like on the other side (and apologies for my comment - it wasn’t meant to denigrate all men. I have met some decent ones, but they are in the minority).[/quote]
Please don't encourage them @Pky45 . I treasure a space where women are actually allowed to talk without someone saying variations of 'BUT IT'S JUST AS BAD FOR MEN YOU KNOW'. It's very similar to #notallmen - something meant to reduce women's experiences. We have enough of that elsewhere.

EarthSight · 02/02/2022 01:39

@milomonster

lomoloko · 02/02/2022 01:50

I avoided OLD because of reading on here, but IME it's actually fine. You have to be honest and brutally selective, but I've met decent, attractive, interesting men through OLD and not found it difficult to do so. Honestly, it's fine!

Everyone is on there, these days.

Original poster

NorthGirlie · 02/02/2022 05:32

Thanks everyone. I’d like to go out more but I work full time and have a young teen at home. She rarely goes to her dad’s house so I feel I have to be around for her all the time.
Obviously, I do leave her at home sometimes but not for long.

OP posts:

SoManyQuestionsHere · 02/02/2022 05:38

Work in that case? I did meet two people I ended up dating at work.

Agree with everyone re. OLD, though: signed up one Friday night a few months after my divorce. By Monday morning I had happily embraced the notion that I might just be forever alone, which seemed a lot better than ending up with any of the men on there.

Original poster

NorthGirlie · 02/02/2022 05:41

Which OLD sites tend to be full of shitheads? Which sites are worse? 🙂

OP posts:

Sunflowergirl1 · 02/02/2022 05:53

I haven't tried it (and thankful I haven't). I've counselled a couple of friends after divorces who tried. Whilst there are exceptions, it is simply full of cheats, shit heads and vipers. The on,y exceptions are probably those in teams and 20s for whom online dating is a must accessory to their normal social life and also seeing who else is on.

Difficult to say avoid as meeting others can be a challenge especially if you WFH but I was appalled at what my friends faced....oh full of cheating bastards as well

Pky45 · 02/02/2022 07:07

@Milomonster
Women are still people, think of all the behaviours you don’t like, remove the aggressive sexual overtones and that’s what its like, probably not as bad as women have to deal with tbh, but you still to look for your red flags and be selective and think skinned.

seasidegirl83 · 02/02/2022 07:44

Im in an almost identical situation, except we weren't married and I'm 38.
I've been online dating for a good few months and actually I've had quite a few lovely dates. I've now been seeing someone for a couple of months now.
My tips would be keep your bar high, chat to lots of people and don't leave it more than a week to meet the ones who you are interested in. You can get on great via messages but sometimes it's not there in real life
Plenty of fish is full of very odd people. Try bumble and tinder. Tinder is much less of a hook up app now and I've found some genuine people on there. Facebook dating has also been quite good.
Don't be afraid to give it a go, it's not as scary as it sounds. Just be ruthless and don't settle for anyone be who isn't right. Wade through the rubbish and you could find a little gem! Good luck!

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