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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where do I find someone?

59 replies

NorthGirlie · 31/01/2022 19:52

Hello,
I’m out of a long, loveless/sexless marriage. Bottom line…I wasn’t attracted to him and realised, as I matured, I’d made a massive mistake. We’ve been apart over a year now. I ended it. Divorce almost finalised. I spent many years pretending I could live with someone that I wasn’t attracted to - I couldn’t - it wasn’t fair on me, nor him. Age gap, differences and lack of connection were just a few of the reasons I had to end it. My happiness was non-existent.

Anyway, I was thinking of the future. I was never one for dating much when I was young (probably why I ended up with someone who didn’t connect with me) so have no idea what to do now. I’m almost 50 btw. Where on earth do I meet anyone? Any advice? I’m still attractive - so I am told.
What’s the best thing to do?

OP posts:
gogohm · 02/02/2022 07:53

I had great fun online dating, the free sites need to be approached with caution and thick skin but for fun they are a good option. Paid for sites at park most likely to find a person for longer relationships. I met dp online

gogohm · 02/02/2022 07:56

Ps I'm the same age as you op

curmudgeonly007 · 02/02/2022 13:12

[quote Milomonster]@Pky45 please share your experience! I think it’s really important for us women to know what it’s like on the other side (and apologies for my comment - it wasn’t meant to denigrate all men. I have met some decent ones, but they are in the minority).[/quote]
I’m male,
My overriding feeling would be disappointment.
Some ppl mention the sweet shop mentality, and I can see that now,
when I started with OLD the 1st time, there were lots of ppl to check out and review, but when you start adding age, distance, preference filters etc, that pool gets very small very quickly ( I’m in a semi- rural area), so you suddenly have very few matches,
Have also found out (from this site), that if a woman doesn’t like your pictures/ profile/ whatever they tend to not reply to a message

So overall a disappointment, only a few ppl to match with and most of those don’t reply 🙁

resetting2022 · 02/02/2022 17:31

Have you tried the gym?

Original poster
NorthGirlie · 02/02/2022 18:03

I was thinking of Bumble mainly for the ability to go incognito. I don’t mind paying for that alone! I just feel awkward having my face plastered all over a dating website and would be mortified if someone I knew saw me. Just the way I feel about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthGirlie · 02/02/2022 18:04

I’m not a gym person. I prefer the great outdoors. I go swimming but no one there!

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 02/02/2022 19:40

I know 5 people, all women, who have met their partners/husbands online and are very happy with them. I will say though that all 5 are/were young, slim and pretty and seemed to have a lot of choice over who they could say yes to. My experience of OLD is completely different I am in my 50's and overweight and despite my best efforts I rarely get any interest from men and those that do have been really odd or old enough to be my grandfather.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 01:41

I met my soon to be husband on OKC a few years ago. And went on lots of fun dates. I genuinely enjoyed OLD, which I realise is fairly unusual on MN. Quite a few of my friends also met their partners on dating apps. In my experience, it’s mostly just regular people looking for someone they click with + a vocal minority of arseholes who are easily blocked. Good luck!

Opentooffers · 03/02/2022 05:03

Given your age , you might find ourtime less of a cesspit, though at 50 I may have just met someone relatively normal - jury's out but going well so far - on pof of all places. Mind you, been dipping in and out of OLD for 12 years and probably dated people I would not have, had we met IRL for some reasonHmm. I'd say this one is closest to what I'd date offline, he'd be my type looks and personality wise. However, I am aware that it has taken years and a fair bit of experience for me to get super discerning about what I do want and I had dated in my younger days, so had some experience already. As you are starting from scratch, it could take you a long time to work it out, it's not a fast route to finding someone long term.
Social groups are a better bet in your situation, the worst that can happen is you get to do some activities of interest, try the meetups or any local social circles online, it's much gentler.

Original poster
NorthGirlie · 13/02/2022 14:15

I joined Bumble and actually have a date this week! I went incognito on the site. He seems ok and we’ve chatted on FaceTime. Lives an hour away so we’re meeting up in the middle. It might not be anything (he seems a bit more alpha than I’m used to) but it gets me out meeting people!

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthGirlie · 13/02/2022 14:16

Oh, btw, 99.9% of them in there I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole!

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthGirlie · 13/02/2022 14:16

He thinks I am very attractive! We will see!

OP posts:
mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 14:19

Don't destroy your self -worth by going on line.

I'm attractive,healthy, happy, slim 50 ish but if I went on line, I'd have to expect to be treated like shit and lied to by men at least a decade older.

I agree with the advice to open up your social circle. Be brave enough to go to things on your own. And don't focus on meeting men.
Just before covid I joined a dress design club, 100% women unsurprisingly but it sparked a lot of simple joy. I have also gone to various artistic creative workshops on my own.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 14:20

@NorthGirlie

He thinks I am very attractive! We will see!
He'll have about ten of you on the go!
sunlovingcriminal · 13/02/2022 14:22

OLD really is a mixed bag. I dated on and off for a couple of years and didn't have much luck finding anyone I really liked. Then boom- end of lockdown#1 met someone amazing! A year and a half on, we're living together. He's handsome, honest, in a good job, and I really love him!

MeSanniesareBrannies · 13/02/2022 14:33

@mUserBot9to5 Lots of people meet their partners online. You’re being incredibly negative.

Good luck with your date, OP!

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 14:38

I don't see myself as negative. I see myself as released from the tyranny of the fruitless hope that I'll meet somebody. It's such a curse.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 13/02/2022 14:40

@mUserBot9to5 It’s not fruitless for everyone. That’s rather the point.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 14:47

You're giving false hope I think. It's a needle in a haystack kind of thing.

OP needs to be aware of that or she'll end up shocked or disappointed. Better to understand from the outset that the reality is that any half presentable half decent man on line is going to have many more women to choose from.

If you want to put yourself through that, go for it. If you want to date men a decade older than yourself, go for it. They usually turn out to be 15 years older!

I'm not negative. I'm just realistic. The fact is any 50 year old man who is even slightly attractive can choose from a much bigger pool.

On line dating is a platform that suits men not women.

But if you have the inclination to put yourself through it, do it! I'm not saying don't try. But BE AWARE of the realities.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 13/02/2022 14:54

@mUserBot9to5 A solid third of relationships currently begin online. I met my partner online. As have millions of people. The stats disagree with you - a third is not a ‘needle in a haystack’ by any interpretation of the term.

Your ‘realities’ are not reality. You are being negative. As you’re clearly very invested in this bitterness, I’ll leave you to it.

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 14:56

For women over 50?
Go back to the statistics !

I'm not negative at all. I met somebody in real life. I'm not bitter. Accepting being single is not ''being bitter''.

I'm happy but part of being happy is not to put yourself through a wringer.

I'll leave you to it as well!

Good luck everybody.

Saysama · 13/02/2022 15:00

@mUserBot9to5 Please see attached. From Forbes. The stats for older app users are great.

Where do I find someone?
Original poster
NorthGirlie · 13/02/2022 15:59

Well, I’ll let you know how it goes. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t like him or anything. I’ll be careful.

OP posts:
mumieone · 13/02/2022 22:48

Yup online dating is horrific. IF you are a female with NO kids, a professional job (for your money) and are younger and better looking than the man - OLD can lead to a serious relationship.

If you want a man on your educational level or above, your looks level or above and who hasn't been bankrupted from his divorce and independent GOOD LUCK not a chance.

Seriously if you're in your late 30s onward with children - forget it.
You will meet men in thier 50's telling you they have to see their kids, go out with their mates (i.e. other dates it's the code word).

partlemoon · 14/02/2022 00:31

That's rather bleak pessimistic outlook @mumieone I'm already apprehensive about trying online dating. I don't feel ready at the moment.

I'm late 30s, teenage child, so I'd have to date multi-dating 50 year olds below my own looks level and be thankful for that? Shock

I was hoping I might meet someone handsome (vaguely) my own age. I currently work from home so opportunities to meet anyone are few and far between.