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Original poster

Sex

76 replies

4OClockClub · 31/01/2022 16:40

My DH had the grump with me last night. He expressed earlier in the day that he wanted to do IT that night once the kids were in bed. I said we would see (I have to be vague with him or he holds me to account). Anyway, had friends round for sunday dinner and he started drinking earlier in the day (probably around 3pm to 9pm) so quite a bit. I put the kids to bed quite late, later than i wanted as guests didnt leave until late and the kids were difficult to settle. I could hear DH go to bed and start snoring. Finally got to my bed, i get in and he starts groping. I say not now, im tired etc. To be fair i just dont want to have sex with someone who stinks of alcohol and is pissed. Huge turn off. Anyway, hes in a right huff about it. Starts shouting and being really moody asking me when a good time is. I have to ask him to be quiet as next door will hear, hes shouting so much. Storms off to the loo. I know hes going to try it on again tonight. Dreading it. We dont really have sex, i know he would like to but i feel like ive gone off it with him. Its boring, i just dont feel that way about him, it feels odd and the biggest turn off is- hes always had a drink or five. I dont know what im asking but it really annoyed me last night. Its not the first time hes been angry when it doesnt happen. If i say yes we will do it, he holds that against me all night and if by the time we go yo bed i cant be arsed, he blows up. So now im just vague “we will see…”

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2022 16:41

Your marriage needs to end. Your husband is disgusting.

Original poster
4OClockClub · 31/01/2022 16:50

Is it me though? It made me feel like im causing this issue because i wont allow him. If i raise his drinking as the issue he tells me not to be silly. To me were more like friends as he leaves me to look after the kids. We both work full time but im knackered at the end of the day

OP posts:
SunnyLeaf · 31/01/2022 16:53

He’s disgusting. Can you even imagine acting the same way towards him as he is to you? Don’t minimise it, he doesn’t care what the effect is on you does he?

feelsobadfeltsogood · 31/01/2022 16:54

Just get rid he has No respect for you he sounds awful

lonelySam · 31/01/2022 16:55

If he stopped drinking and started helping you with the kids more, would you want more sex?
My guess is "no". Therefore you don't want to have sex with your husband and the reasons are irrelevant. Time to move on.

RoyKentsChestHair · 31/01/2022 16:58

So he doesn’t pull his weight with the kids or house, gets angry and shouts loud enough for the neighbours to hear if you don’t want sex with him and he’s a big drinker. Yuk, yuk and yuk.

Honestly life is too short to spend it with someone like this. He’s gross and worse - he’s sexually coercive. No wonder you don’t want sex with him. Cut him loose and enjoy snuggling down in your bed without the snoring sex pest beside you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2022 16:58

Its not you, its him.

But why are you with him, this drunkard sex pest you have for a husband?. Sound travels too, your children are hearing all this from their dad. Do not minimise the effects his behaviour is having on not just you, but your kids also.

SparklingLime · 31/01/2022 16:59

because i wont allow him

Listen to that: “allow him”. Sex with him is so far from being something that you want or enjoy.

A friend wouldn’t shout at you or leave all the work to you, so he doesn’t sound like a friend either.

It’s not your fault or responsibility. He’s abusive and a shit partner.

grey12 · 31/01/2022 17:00

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 17:02

There's a word for men who don't understand that no means no.

You should not stay in this sexually and emotionally abusive marriage where you are coerced into having sex with.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 17:03

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Full sex 'granted'? Bleurgh. Sex is not something women 'give' to men in a healthy dynamic. It's a mutual experience that both people want to enjoy.

Have you read OP's post properly?! She's clearly in a relationship with sexual coercion, which is disgusting and also illegal.

A cheeky game idea isn't really an appropriate response to something so serious.

SparklingLime · 31/01/2022 17:08

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Yuk. This is so wrong…
AnotherMansCause · 31/01/2022 17:08

Tell him, when he's sober & not being aggressive, & you're not exhausted from work & then childcare & housework. Unless that's not really the whole of the issue & you actually just want to end your marriage, in which case, you need to work towards ending it.

TBH I'd struggle to find someone like him attractive too. And "allow him"? Sex isn't (shouldn't be a) reward for good behaviour, & if it was, he still wouldn't qualify.

iklboo · 31/01/2022 17:11

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Jesus tonight. Like a bloody reward chart to have full sex 'granted' as a treat? And turned over on a whim? That's infantilising and not a good basis for a relationship.
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 31/01/2022 17:16

Hmmm a drunk sex pest who doesn't do his fair share. Yeah sounds attractive! But seriously, life is too short to put up with that kind of shit off the one person who is supposed to be on your side. Tell him its over, the drinking, the shouting, the lack of involvement, no one finds that attractive.

DSGR · 31/01/2022 17:16

I agree that the question is if he helped more and drank a bit less, would you start having sex with him much more often? If the answer is no, then it is time to move on.
He doesn’t have to live in a sexless marriage (which is what you’re describing) but you don’t have to put up with his behaviour either

RoyKentsChestHair · 31/01/2022 17:21

Oh Christ - the turtle is so far beyond ok I don’t even know where to start. Do you really think a man who shouts when his wife doesn’t want sex with him and who has to be told “maybe” because apparently anything more is considered legally binding would be ok with being “turtled”?! “BUT I UNLOADED THE DISHWASHER, YOU OWE ME SEX!” What a horrendous notion. He should be doing his share of jobs etc just because that’s what decent adults do. Not because he thinks he’ll get his end away if he does.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 17:21

He’s got an alcohol problem and he’s verbally abusive and a bully. That’s reason to leave. Why are you more worried about the neighbours hearing him shouting at you than your children hearing?!

But I wouldn’t be happy in a sexless marriage either. And that’s another reason to divorce.

It’s dead. End it.

RoyKentsChestHair · 31/01/2022 17:24

And yes, it may be the first question that gets asked on here - does he help out around the house and with the kids etc but not because the two are directly linked, more because we all know how being the resident house drudge can make us feel not very sexy and that having a supportive partner is so much more attractive. It’s not like you put coins in and get sex out.

user1481840227 · 31/01/2022 17:27

As others have asked, if he drank less and other issues were sorted out would you want to have sex with him?

If not then you need to be honest with yourself first and then him.

SparklingLime · 31/01/2022 17:31

@user1481840227

As others have asked, if he drank less and other issues were sorted out would you want to have sex with him?

If not then you need to be honest with yourself first and then him.

Even if OP could see a point in the future where her answer to this might be yes, it depends on him making big changes, which sounds unlikely.
user1481840227 · 31/01/2022 17:34

Even if OP could see a point in the future where her answer to this might be yes, it depends on him making big changes, which sounds unlikely.

But if the answer is that even if he did make the changes she still wouldn't want to have sex with him then it's time for honesty and then both moving on.

The alternative (because as you said the changes are unlikely) is that she's still going to stay stuck in this relationship, with this dynamic, having sex that she doesn't want to have!

miltonj · 31/01/2022 17:34

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Weirdest and most unhealthy advice I've read on here in a while.
PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2022 17:36

I've never even heard of 'the turtle' before and, in between vomiting, I have so many questions.

  1. What size bowl? Espresso cup or 40litre preserving pan?
  2. What size balls? Tic tacs or volleyballs?
  3. Who are these numerous couples this 'works' for?
  4. Why not just have a financial transaction instead? Either way really, one paying for sex, the other for domestic chores.

Oh BTW OP has it ever been better than this and what has changed? It sounds terrible right now. You are not 'the cause' of anything.

MarshmallowSwede · 31/01/2022 17:39

Of course you don’t want to sleep with him. “He’s always had a drink or five”… no one wants to sleep with a drunk.

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