Sex

[4OClockClub]

My DH had the grump with me last night. He expressed earlier in the day that he wanted to do IT that night once the kids were in bed. I said we would see (I have to be vague with him or he holds me to account). Anyway, had friends round for sunday dinner and he started drinking earlier in the day (probably around 3pm to 9pm) so quite a bit. I put the kids to bed quite late, later than i wanted as guests didnt leave until late and the kids were difficult to settle. I could hear DH go to bed and start snoring. Finally got to my bed, i get in and he starts groping. I say not now, im tired etc. To be fair i just dont want to have sex with someone who stinks of alcohol and is pissed. Huge turn off. Anyway, hes in a right huff about it. Starts shouting and being really moody asking me when a good time is. I have to ask him to be quiet as next door will hear, hes shouting so much. Storms off to the loo. I know hes going to try it on again tonight. Dreading it. We dont really have sex, i know he would like to but i feel like ive gone off it with him. Its boring, i just dont feel that way about him, it feels odd and the biggest turn off is- hes always had a drink or five. I dont know what im asking but it really annoyed me last night. Its not the first time hes been angry when it doesnt happen. If i say yes we will do it, he holds that against me all night and if by the time we go yo bed i cant be arsed, he blows up. So now im just vague “we will see…”

Christ on a cracker after reading this batshit thread I want to get drunk (and stay that way!)

The ducking turtle 🤨

The idea of the turtle is that the partner can't just ask for sex, he needs to be committed to the relationship as well.

So doing normal, everyday jobs an adult should be doing in a relationship is something 'nice' for the wee wifey and when he's got enough stickers balls in the bowl he gets 'rewarded' with sex? This is the 21st Century isn't it?

What does the woman get out of it apart from seeing the bowl fill up, knowing she then has to have sex, because hubby has been A Good Boy and pulled his weight in the marriage? We're not fucking Green Shield Stamp books where you get a prize for saving stuff up.

Who came up with this bollocks?

@iklboo thank God you and I have good relationships and don't need stupid games but some people do..... and if it works for some obnoxious immature husbands out there then it's not such a terrible thing

If anywoman has to stoop to such stupid games she's better off without a Neanderthal who thinks emptying the dish washer wins him a shag.

I think you’ve told us rather more about your own relationship than you perhaps meant to, @grey12.

'He holds me to account' has to be the least caring, most unsexy, unromantic euphemism for sex I've seen in a good while.

It meant to be a loving act between consensual partners ...

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I wasnt expecting so many.

Ill give turtling a miss thanks. I can see that might work for some! He does actually do “jobs” anyway and expect “rewards” eg my car needs repairing, hes waiting for “payment”

I did raise the shouting with him but it was minimised and obviously turned round to me being the problem

No sex in the relationship=No relationship.
End it, then you can both go do whatever makes you happy instead of tormenting each other.

[quote grey12]@iklboo thank God you and I have good relationships and don't need stupid games but some people do..... and if it works for some obnoxious immature husbands out there then it's not such a terrible thing[/quote]
It can’t work. Ever. Because a decent man and a healthy partner would never view sex as something his wife owed him - whether she actually genuinely wanted to do it or not - in exchange for household chores.

It’s fucking grim. It’s still just coerced sex. People should have sex only because they want to, not because their partner did enough chores to earn it.

This is the exact same way I used to address challenging behaviours with my eldest DC. If you do XYZ then you can have a marble in the jar. If you misbehave then I’ll take a marble out. Once the marbles reach the line on the side of the jar, you can have a treat. It’s literally a way to get preschoolers to behave. The idea of being married to someone who requires a fucking reward chart is just vomit inducing.

OP this is really abusive. He is coercing you into sex you don’t want and then verbally abusing you - loud enough for the neighbours and kids to hear - when you don’t comply. There’s just no redeeming feature here. I’m not surprised you don’t want sex with a man like this. I felt utterly repulsed reading your OP so I can only imagine how you feel being actually physically groped by this drunken Neanderthal. You are worth more than this. He isn’t treating you like a human being, let alone treating you like the woman he loves and cherishes.

It might be a good idea to tel your partner - in a calm moment - that you do not want to have sex at the moment, it’s off the table at the moment. You can suggest to him that meanwhile you work on your relationship - or rather he works on his behaviour and sense of entitlement. That is, if you want to give the relationship another chance. If you feel scared to do this then that tells you need to look at how to get away from him.

don’t say „we‘ll see“, say no and say why it’s no.

The Turtle 🐢 eh ???
WTF 🤬

40ClockClub If you're not attracted to your partner and don't ever actually want to have sex with them and they are hurt by this then you are completely and probably irrevocably incompatible and should split before you waste more of your time making each other and those around you miserable. You will also both set a terrible example to your children of what a normal relationship looks like.

Yes he sounds gross and unattractive in the way he's handling this but it also sounds like you've completely checked out of any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with him which was always very likely to end your marriage anyway, whatever his reaction had been to it.

The turtle thing is a non starter. Stress might be a barrier to feeling sexy so one partner not pulling their weight could reduce the frequency of intimacy. But a reward chart that put one partner in the parent role and the other in the child and introduces a quid pro quo element is going to be deeply unsexy to most.

Besides, OP says she isn't attracted to her partner so no amount of washing or ironing is going to change that. It might be possible to grow the attraction back but will take time and effort on both parts, doing stuff like dating eachother again, flirting with eachother, enjoying eachothers company and making time for fun together, etc.

So, you have told him that him wanting sex while drunk is a turn off, and he told you not to be silly. You told him his shouting is a problem for you, and he didn’t take you seriously. I don’t really know where you can go from here, OP…except out of the door.

What. The. Fuk
Omg I’m speechless, that in 2022 women are being advised to allow their lazy man-baby drunken sex pest husbands to violate their body cause they did some chores…

Forgot to add the quote re the Turtle bowl game thing….

Sounds like a nob, can you try spice it up in the bedroom so you both enjoy it? I couldn't imagine going for more than a couple of days without it but that's because we have so much fun!!

Sounds like a nob, can you try spice it up in the bedroom so you both enjoy it? I couldn't imagine going for more than a couple of days without it but that's because we have so much fun!!

Like chilli powder in his pants? 😄

Or maybe he could try not being pissed when he starts pawing OP.

So here's a value that I've lived by with my wife and something I've made sure my sons understand.

Being intimate with someone is a consequence of a great connection and mutual effort not a right.

I'm not a prude in any way whatsoever but it would help stop this kind of controlling behaviour.

Have you considered leaving him ?

"Why would I want to have sex with anyone who speaks to me that way?"

That's all you need to say. He can try to turn it round on you all he wants but the bottom line is you need to feel a certain way to want to have sex and he makes you feel the opposite. He can hate that he wants but its a biological fact.