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Original poster

Sex

76 replies

4OClockClub · 31/01/2022 16:40

My DH had the grump with me last night. He expressed earlier in the day that he wanted to do IT that night once the kids were in bed. I said we would see (I have to be vague with him or he holds me to account). Anyway, had friends round for sunday dinner and he started drinking earlier in the day (probably around 3pm to 9pm) so quite a bit. I put the kids to bed quite late, later than i wanted as guests didnt leave until late and the kids were difficult to settle. I could hear DH go to bed and start snoring. Finally got to my bed, i get in and he starts groping. I say not now, im tired etc. To be fair i just dont want to have sex with someone who stinks of alcohol and is pissed. Huge turn off. Anyway, hes in a right huff about it. Starts shouting and being really moody asking me when a good time is. I have to ask him to be quiet as next door will hear, hes shouting so much. Storms off to the loo. I know hes going to try it on again tonight. Dreading it. We dont really have sex, i know he would like to but i feel like ive gone off it with him. Its boring, i just dont feel that way about him, it feels odd and the biggest turn off is- hes always had a drink or five. I dont know what im asking but it really annoyed me last night. Its not the first time hes been angry when it doesnt happen. If i say yes we will do it, he holds that against me all night and if by the time we go yo bed i cant be arsed, he blows up. So now im just vague “we will see…”

OP posts:
iklboo · 31/01/2022 17:40

Mind you, I suppose you could spice up The Turtle (and tighten your pelvic floor) by firing ping pong balls into it using your foof.

WineThenMisletoe · 31/01/2022 17:40

There are so many things wrong with this relationship. Drunk or not you should not be made to feel how you do. You already knew the script before you went to bed. This is awful and no-one should be in this situation.
Even if he was sober and the best DH in the world (which he isn't) if the sex is 'boring' then it still will be awful for you. Add into that all the other issues and maybe its time to have a good think about what you are getting out of this relationship and what you would like out of it.

BellatricksStrange · 31/01/2022 17:40

Honestly he deserves better. Imagine being married to someone who never wants sex.

Valkyrie40 · 31/01/2022 17:41

🤢 at the turtle!

You have the ick OP. It's usually not reversible.
You have to decide if you can be bothered spelling out to him what he needs to do to change the way you feel about him - or just end it.

Your dh sounds like a drunken pig but I also don't think it's fair to expect someone to be happy in a sexless marriage.

MrsGHarrison87 · 31/01/2022 17:43

He sounds awful with his reaction and there's no need for that but if you don't ever want to have sex I can see his frustration. When one wants sex and one doesn't it makes the relationship unworkable. End your marriage for both your sakes.

countrypunk · 31/01/2022 17:47

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

This made me want to do a sick in my mouth 🤮
Inthesameboatatmo · 31/01/2022 17:53

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

WTF!!!! . Am I missing something? Fully functioning adults shouldn't have to resort to ridiculous things like you've suggested. Jesus christ. If someone I was in an already abusive sexually coercive relationship with tried to get me to try that shit they wouldn't touch the floor as I chucked them out. This is quite frankly one of the worst bits of advice I've ever seen given the fact the ops partner is clearly a sex pest.
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 17:53

When did you last want to have sex with him?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/01/2022 17:56

@iklboo

Mind you, I suppose you could spice up The Turtle (and tighten your pelvic floor) by firing ping pong balls into it using your foof.
I'm dying 😂

OP it sounds grim. Being coerced into sex is so soul destroying. I cannot imagine wanting to have sex with someone who very clearly didn't want it with me.

Sex should not be something one of you "gets" or "does to" the other. In a relationship, it should be a shared, wanted act that affirms your status and intimacy as equal partners.

Even in a ONS its supposed to be something you both enjoy! Not something one of you endures for fear of silent treatment, sulking, shouting.

It sounds like he's crap at sex anyway so even if he stopped drinking and being a lazy twat, would you want sex anyway? I wouldn't. In your position I'd be looking for the exit.

SunflowerTed · 31/01/2022 17:57

He probably knows you are making excuses not to have sex ie. getting the kids to bed late and other avoidance tactics - might be better to have an honest conversation?

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2022 17:59

Just to echo others, @grey12, that is an awful idea. Sex is supposed to be FUN for both parties, not a treat that one gives the other!! It's an abhorrent idea. If you don't want sex with your partner, you shouldn't be in at relationship with them(unless it's mutual and you're both happy with that).

excelledyourself · 31/01/2022 18:10

@BellatricksStrange

Honestly he deserves better. Imagine being married to someone who never wants sex.
She doesn't want to have sex with him.

Understandably.

FairyLightQueen · 31/01/2022 18:11

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Is this satire?

Men should do their fair share regardless of having sex. Jesus.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 18:25

@BellatricksStrange

Honestly he deserves better. Imagine being married to someone who never wants sex.
I really, really hope you posted this without properly reading OP's post. Otherwise there's no excuse...
Soakitup37 · 31/01/2022 18:27

You are not being unreasonable to not have sex with him when he’s been drinking and stropping about it, but assuming you were attracted to him at one point since you have kids, then you need to ask yourself where that attraction went and if it is possible to get it back.

I was in a sexless marriage, ironically he was the drinker and I was the one who felt like I had to beg - it feels like shit being rejected for sex from the only person you can have it from so while I don’t agree with him I can understand the frustration of not having your needs met and your partner knowing full well that they are the only ones who can meet those needs.

Sounds like you’d both be happier a part

Regularsizedrudy · 31/01/2022 18:28

@grey12

Silly thing but it may work.

There is something called the turtle. It's a bowl where you put balls in. A ball is put in when the partner does something nice (unload the dishwasher, bathe the kids, give a massage, wtv). When the bowl is full sex is granted with a day's notice (so you have the chance to get ready) Wink honestly, this seems to work for some couples and may work for you.

The best thing is you can get "turtled": if the partner misbehaves (getting drunk like that, for example) you turn the bowl over Grin

Aw yes because women are sex vending machines that you redeem with “niceness” tokens. Jesus fucking Christ
Somebodylikeyew · 31/01/2022 18:31

What the fuck did i just read???

Somebodylikeyew · 31/01/2022 18:31

(The turtle, i mean!)

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 18:32

And according to @grey12, a man unloading the dishwasher (in his own home) or bathing (his own) kids are examples of being 'nice' to their wife. As if they are women's jobs by default so men get extra points for doing them.

Fucking hell, how depressing to view women as essentially slot machines. Especially depressing if @grey12 is a woman.

grey12 · 31/01/2022 18:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn a lot of women tend to get bored and tired and completely refuse sex for months on end even though they of course enjoy it when it does happen

The idea of the turtle is that the partner can't just ask for sex, he needs to be committed to the relationship as well. And yes, a woman completely refusing sex to her husband is not a sign of an healthy relationship either Hmm the turtle is a learning experience for both. It's a technique for struggling couples. If it doesn't work then bye bye

grey12 · 31/01/2022 18:38

@DSGR

I agree that the question is if he helped more and drank a bit less, would you start having sex with him much more often? If the answer is no, then it is time to move on. He doesn’t have to live in a sexless marriage (which is what you’re describing) but you don’t have to put up with his behaviour either
THIS is the idea of the turtle!! It's a learning technique for bad husbands. Good husbands don't get to OP's husband point (sorry OP Sad). Some people have to learn to be more considerate 🤷🏻‍♀️
PlanetNormal · 31/01/2022 18:43

He sounds awful. You sound like you have completely checked out. You are both in a sexless marriage which is making you both miserable. This situation can only be fixed if both of you want to make the changes necessary to fix it. If you don’t, it’s time to separate.

Shunter350 · 31/01/2022 18:45

If you have a daughter and her partner behaves like that to her, what would you advise?

RhythmOfTheLight · 31/01/2022 18:45

Being held to account so you have to be vague. That's awful.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 18:46

[quote grey12]@youvegottenminuteslynn a lot of women tend to get bored and tired and completely refuse sex for months on end even though they of course enjoy it when it does happen

The idea of the turtle is that the partner can't just ask for sex, he needs to be committed to the relationship as well. And yes, a woman completely refusing sex to her husband is not a sign of an healthy relationship either Hmm the turtle is a learning experience for both. It's a technique for struggling couples. If it doesn't work then bye bye[/quote]
Firstly, OP's partner is behaving in a coercive manner which is making her agree to sex she doesn't want.

Secondly, the examples of 'nice things' that would get men points are just things adults do in the home as part of being an adult - bathing their own kids and emptying a dishwasher. It's a bloody low bar.