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Original poster

Previously unfaithful now acting suspicious, can you help me?

60 replies

GHJKL · 31/01/2022 10:18

I'll try and keep this short.

Together for years years and have children together including baby.

He has been unfaithful before and I very reluctantly gave him another chance. I suspect that has come back to bite me on the arse.

Last night I walked into the bedroom to find him on his phone, the second I entered the room he locked his screen in a hurry.

I asked what he was doing he said he was setting his alarm clock. I asked why he needed to hide that and lock his phone and his reply was "I don't. I'm not hiding anything" but I could tell by his tone he was flustered. Like a rabbit caught in the head lights.

I didn't ask to see his phone on the spot which I should have done with hindsight because now he's had chance to delete whatever he was hiding.

Now, I won't stand for this shit again and am bracing myself to get rid but I want proof of what he's up to before I kick him out as I'll be leaving myself in a difficult situation with youngest still being a small baby among other things.

If it's something like deleting porn from his history that doesn't bother me, but he knows I'm not bothered about things like that so he needn't try cover his tracks. My gut tells me it's more.

He doesn't really go anywhere other than work (the previous affair was a colleague at previous place of work) so if he is up to something it must be another colleague, or he's bunking off work.

What do I do now?

Please don't immediately jump to LTB, because I will if I'm able to prove my instincts are correct, I just need to know for sure.

OP posts:
Wheatfieldthisyr · 31/01/2022 10:34

I suppose what you have to do now is to trust your instincts and remain vigilant. That must be horrible for you Flowers

It could be that he's extra-careful now because he was caught out last time.

I think you need to be more confident in telling him what you need, as in the case of the phone, in that moment you needed him to show you that he was indeed setting his alarm. Don't be scared to do this. If he becomes verbally aggressive and refuses, you know that he was lying.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 10:43

@Wheatfieldthisyr

I suppose what you have to do now is to trust your instincts and remain vigilant. That must be horrible for you Flowers

It could be that he's extra-careful now because he was caught out last time.

I think you need to be more confident in telling him what you need, as in the case of the phone, in that moment you needed him to show you that he was indeed setting his alarm. Don't be scared to do this. If he becomes verbally aggressive and refuses, you know that he was lying.

Thank you for replying.

I just feel numb and sick Sad

I should have known he couldn't be trusted again but wanted to believe he'd learned a lesson and wouldn't risk losing his family a second time.

He will have alarms set on his phone as standard so even if he were to show me that he'd previously set alarms I wouldn't be sufficiently satisfied.

I've considered saying to him "right if you have nothing to hide you won't mind a key logger on the phone then" and see how he reacts.

I wouldn't do that btw, wouldn't even know how to.

The phone he's being so secretive on actually belonged to my father who died last year. The phone came to me and I kindly allowed him to have use of it because his one was on its last legs.

That makes it so much worse doesn't it? Insult to injury.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 31/01/2022 10:44

You don’t need proof of cheating, you just need to accept he cannot be trusted and without that there is no relationship, regardless of what he’s actually doing right now.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 10:47

@TatianaBis

You don’t need proof of cheating, you just need to accept he cannot be trusted and without that there is no relationship, regardless of what he’s actually doing right now.
I understand where you're coming from, I just feel as though I need proof.

There's a part of me which wonders if I'm just being hypervigilant because of the last time.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 10:57

I just feel as though I need proof.

Well yes. It's a good way of avoiding the inevitable because it is really difficult to call time. You know you'll struggle to get proof so you can tell yourself you WILL deal with it 'but'.

You KNOW, I think.

Even if you didn't, what you perhaps should be thinking is that 'not standing for this shit again' INCLUDES feeling like this because you see your DP racing to hide his messages from you.

It shouldn't be happening, there's no reason that's justifiable that it is happening, if it DOES inadvertently happen that you catch something like this and it makes you feel alarmed and shit -

a. the response of an honest person is to go 'It's ok! - look!' and immediately hand you the phone without prompting.

b. doesn't it just bring it home to you that you should NEVER have been made in the first place to feel like this? This is what lack of trust feels like. It's poison. It's why second chances are so hard to make work.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/01/2022 11:03

I would start by looking for him on dating apps. Tinder, bumble, pof...
He might just be stupid enough to use real pictures of himself.

Random checking of his messages. Not now, but in a week or so when he thinks you've let this incident slide.

Gps tracker in the car?

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/01/2022 11:04

Also, what @Skeumorph said!

I just feel as though I need proof

But presumably you had proof the first time around and you still stayed.

Why do you think you need proof now?

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:05

@Skeumorph

I just feel as though I need proof.

Well yes. It's a good way of avoiding the inevitable because it is really difficult to call time. You know you'll struggle to get proof so you can tell yourself you WILL deal with it 'but'.

You KNOW, I think.

Even if you didn't, what you perhaps should be thinking is that 'not standing for this shit again' INCLUDES feeling like this because you see your DP racing to hide his messages from you.

It shouldn't be happening, there's no reason that's justifiable that it is happening, if it DOES inadvertently happen that you catch something like this and it makes you feel alarmed and shit -

a. the response of an honest person is to go 'It's ok! - look!' and immediately hand you the phone without prompting.

b. doesn't it just bring it home to you that you should NEVER have been made in the first place to feel like this? This is what lack of trust feels like. It's poison. It's why second chances are so hard to make work.

You're spot on, sadly.

It really is poison.

Things felt fine for a long time, good even, now this.

It's crazy making because on one hand I think:

He doesn't have the time to cheat again, He's never late home from work and doesn't go anywhere. Not like the last time when he'd be gone all day and night. My hormones are all over at the moment perhaps I'm just being hypervigilant because of the past. Maybe he's just embarrassed about watching porn because we haven't had sex in a while since baby.

Then on the other hand I think:

There's no justifiable reason for him to hide his phone, as you said.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 11:06

Get rid.
Constantly being suspicious and wondering what he’s up to is no way to live.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:08

@HacerSonarSusPasos

Also, what *@Skeumorph* said!

I just feel as though I need proof

But presumably you had proof the first time around and you still stayed.

Why do you think you need proof now?

I didn't just stay, I had him leave last time.

He spent a month begging, pleading and going above and beyond. I gave him the benefit of the doubt just once.

I need proof now because I'm going to be in a crap position if I kick him out over nothing. We have a baby, a routine, joint finances, holiday booked etc.

If he's up to something he'll be out the door, but I need a bit more than a hunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:09

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I would start by looking for him on dating apps. Tinder, bumble, pof... He might just be stupid enough to use real pictures of himself.

Random checking of his messages. Not now, but in a week or so when he thinks you've let this incident slide.

Gps tracker in the car?

Good idea about the dating apps and random message check. I'll do that.

He doesn't drive though.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 31/01/2022 11:12

You don't trust him, without trust you have nothing.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:15

@pinkyredrose

You don't trust him, without trust you have nothing.
I did come to trust him again.

Now this.

It's easy for people to say I don't need proof and to just get rid but when you have a life, family, home etc with somebody the majority of women would want to know more than just seeing him quickly lock his phone.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 11:16

I would think that the majority of women would want a man they can trust.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:20

I needed advice on how to find out for sure whether he's cheating, not the gung ho "just leave" comments.

I appreciate they're well meaning but I'm not about to make him homeless without knowing for sure. It will cause so much upset for the children.

OP posts:
Wheatfieldthisyr · 31/01/2022 11:23

What model of phone is it he's using ?

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 11:28

He has a galaxy S7 edge.

I've just raised it again and he said "I was looking at categories on pornhub ok, im sorry, I was going to have a ... and was caught off guard"

I said I don't believe him and asked why would he need to hide that, then he said it's because he was embarrassed.

We haven't had sex for about 4 months as I've had the baby and been feeling touched out so I wouldn't care about things like that.

It feels like he's just thought up an excuse. If he was being honest he could have just said that at the time, not leave me to stew.

OP posts:
HairyFanjoBanjo · 31/01/2022 11:46

Check his phone for all messaging apps, not just the obvious WhatsApp or Messenger.

  • TikTok, Slack, Skype, Snapchat, WeChat, Kik, Telegram, Line...
  • plus DM’s in socials like Twitter, Insta, Pinterest,
  • Gaming messaging apps: Discord and other in game message chats, like Xbox chat etc

There are SO many messaging apps and opportunities to hide discussions in plain sight these days.

Also check ‘archived’ chats in WhatsApp.

Bananarama21 · 31/01/2022 11:50

Friends ex used to leave work early and go to his colleagues house so she thought he was at work. She knew something wasn't quite right and then someone who she never found out had the decency to let her know what he was up to. They ended up divorcing.

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 12:03

He's cheated before, and he knows you're suspicious now. If he's not willing to be completely transparent with his phone then that's likely all the proof you need. I would expect him to hand his phone over and let you have a check through it. Under normal circumstances that would obviously be a big no no, but as I said he needs to be completely transparent here considering his history, and if he can't be then that's pretty damning in itself.

Kittykat93 · 31/01/2022 13:16

@GHJKL

He has a galaxy S7 edge.

I've just raised it again and he said "I was looking at categories on pornhub ok, im sorry, I was going to have a ... and was caught off guard"

I said I don't believe him and asked why would he need to hide that, then he said it's because he was embarrassed.

We haven't had sex for about 4 months as I've had the baby and been feeling touched out so I wouldn't care about things like that.

It feels like he's just thought up an excuse. If he was being honest he could have just said that at the time, not leave me to stew.

Sorry but that just sounds like an excuse enough to keep you from being suspicious. Like you said he could have just said at the time, I'd rather someone caught me looking at porn than cheating.

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 13:21

@GHJKL

He has a galaxy S7 edge.

I've just raised it again and he said "I was looking at categories on pornhub ok, im sorry, I was going to have a ... and was caught off guard"

I said I don't believe him and asked why would he need to hide that, then he said it's because he was embarrassed.

We haven't had sex for about 4 months as I've had the baby and been feeling touched out so I wouldn't care about things like that.

It feels like he's just thought up an excuse. If he was being honest he could have just said that at the time, not leave me to stew.

All of this shows that no, you haven't 'come to trust him again'.

What you have is a situation where things tick along until something odd pops up then bam! - you're back to thinking along the lines of above... because you DON'T TRUST HIM.

Trust means that when something odd happens you don't get that horrid sinking feeling because - guess what - there's no need - you are confident that he isn't the kind of person to fuck you over.

But you know that he IS that person.

Because you are sensible and judge on what someone does, not what they say.

No brainer really.

So here you are.

Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 13:48

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I would start by looking for him on dating apps. Tinder, bumble, pof... He might just be stupid enough to use real pictures of himself.

Random checking of his messages. Not now, but in a week or so when he thinks you've let this incident slide.

Gps tracker in the car?

GPS tracker in the car without notification is a grey area legally when one spouse does it to the other (it's illegal in most other circumstances).

I've seen cases where some men have received suspended sentences for using them though in all those cases there was other evidence of controlling behaviour. I can't find any cases of women being prosecuted but I'm still inclined to say they are a bad idea.

Original poster
GHJKL · 31/01/2022 15:01

He has offered to show me his browser history which will supposedly show me that he was looking at porn at the point I came in and caught him acting strangely.

He could have easily accessed porn as soon as I left the room though couldn't he, just so he had plausible deniability when I brought it up again.

He has resorted to trying to make me sound unreasonable when I haven't immediately dropped the issue, saying things like "it's not a crime to look at porn and feel embarrassed about it. I didn't feel comfortable admitting it on the spot" to then saying "I might aswell just not have a phone then if I need permission to use it"

Twisting it back around on me as though I don't have due cause to be suspicious.

At no point have I ever implied he needs permission to use the phone or look at porn.

OP posts:
TheBoreOfHabilon · 31/01/2022 15:04

Browser history can be edited.

He's attacking you with the old 'not a crime' line because attack is the best form of defence.

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