Previously unfaithful now acting suspicious, can you help me?

[GHJKL]

I'll try and keep this short.

Together for years years and have children together including baby.

He has been unfaithful before and I very reluctantly gave him another chance. I suspect that has come back to bite me on the arse.

Last night I walked into the bedroom to find him on his phone, the second I entered the room he locked his screen in a hurry.

I asked what he was doing he said he was setting his alarm clock. I asked why he needed to hide that and lock his phone and his reply was "I don't. I'm not hiding anything" but I could tell by his tone he was flustered. Like a rabbit caught in the head lights.

I didn't ask to see his phone on the spot which I should have done with hindsight because now he's had chance to delete whatever he was hiding.

Now, I won't stand for this shit again and am bracing myself to get rid but I want proof of what he's up to before I kick him out as I'll be leaving myself in a difficult situation with youngest still being a small baby among other things.

If it's something like deleting porn from his history that doesn't bother me, but he knows I'm not bothered about things like that so he needn't try cover his tracks. My gut tells me it's more.

He doesn't really go anywhere other than work (the previous affair was a colleague at previous place of work) so if he is up to something it must be another colleague, or he's bunking off work.

What do I do now?

Please don't immediately jump to LTB, because I will if I'm able to prove my instincts are correct, I just need to know for sure.

I don't know how you can live like this.

I would say it's more likely to be porn- my DP does it.

But it's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

All that is relevant is your unhappiness and his (because he can't be happy either).

You deserve to be happy. Life is short and you don't need a reason to start again.

@GHJKL Actually OP the answer is much more obvious than I realised.

You have a pretty good idea when he was looking at his phone don't you? So, a couple of things to bear in mind:

1. If there is nothing in his history at that time, then that's very strange. The story doesn't have to be told by what's in there but can be told by what is not there;

2. If, as he claims, he was setting an alarm then this will probably be tracked. He may not be aware of this. On an android, this activity would be tracked on a Google account unless he's switched it off (and if he has switched it off, then why?) On an iPhone, you can go and look at battery usage and it will tell you all the apps that have been used.

Waiting a few weeks to look at his phone is probably the best idea.

Websites won't tell you much if he's cheating at work.

Can you randomly turn up there? Pick him up or drop him off?

As a cheater, you'd drve yourself mad trying to find out whether he's on this app or that app, if he wants to cheat or communicate with an OW he will find a way to do so.

There's even dating sites specifically created for married people to meet for affairs.

Given his lack of time, he may just be chatting to people, not physically cheating though, due to boredom or habit from his last affair

I couldn't live like that. Good luck to you though. Must be awful

OP, what recovery/reconciliation structure did you agree to?

You do have proof that he: feels entitled to show suspicious phone behavior, lie about it, cause you to feel unsettled, and blame-shift by calling you unreasonable.

A truly remorseful man would not be behaving this way. He would be doing all he could to be a safe partner.

He has again broken your trust and created distance between you. In my view, he is back in wayward mode.

@MadeForThis

Waiting a few weeks to look at his phone is probably the best idea.

Websites won't tell you much if he's cheating at work.

Can you randomly turn up there? Pick him up or drop him off?

True but cheats often have to meet away from the house. That depends on phones and Google maps - for example - to find locations to meet. His behaviour online might give him away.

One thing to add. Look up "false reconciliation" and see how many red flags there are in your relationship

You caught him looking guilty. Called him out on it. Didn’t believe his reply/reaction. Called him out on it again. Got a plausible reply. Still don’t believe him. Call him out again. Get the offer to check his browsing history. Make excuses as to why that won’t be accurate. Then lie in wait for an opportune moment to catch him out.

Is it possible he was telling the truth? That he was looking for porn to sort himself out because you haven’t had sex for a while? The subtext I read into that, imho, is that he looked/felt/behaved guilty at being found out because he doesn’t want to pressure you into having sex and doesn’t want you to feel guilty or bad about that.

What does he need to do to prove his innocence? Would you believe him?

I really feel for you OP. What an awful, worrying situation to be in. The very fact that all of those suspicious feelings have resurfaced so quickly probably indicates that you haven’t been able to fully trust your H after the last time.
I completely get your reluctance to end things based on what happened this time. It’s such a huge move and it doesn’t just affect you - kids are involved. Plus you’ve just had a new baby! So difficult.
Obviously none of us know what he was actually at, and you’ve got a lot of advice from people more experienced at this sort of thing than me but could it be that he was just looking at porn?? My DH would be embarrassed if I caught him at that even though I wouldn’t care. I just hate the thought of you plotting and planning to catch him out and letting it consume you over the next few weeks/months.
Obviously you need to know but maybe if none of his reassurances will satisfy you, then maybe it will force you to realise that without trust this issue will continue to raise itself.
Sending you hugs.