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Relationships

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Original poster

Different attitudes to money. Keep it separate?

73 replies

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 09:28

My husband and I have totally different attitudes to money, he would quite happily spend everything, get into debt on overdrafts and credit cards and probably wouldnt pay into a pension if I didnt do it for him (he's self employed)

I like to save up for things, invest spare money, never had an overdraft, you get the idea.

Currently all money goes into one account (which is just in my name) and I transfer spends to him

He's meant to have £80 a week as our house needs a lot doing to it and I'm fed up of living in a dump!

Just looked in the bank and since Friday he's spent £200 and its only Monday!
He does earn good money but I feel this is excessive, but he's one of those that if I said no Im not transferring any more to you he'd kick off and say I work long hours you cant keep my own money from me etc etc

I know the general view on here is mainly we're a family all money should go into one pot but I feel like saying keep your bloody money just transfer me your half of the bills and food and if you blow the rest its up to you

Only thing that puts me off doing this is he would get into a load of debt and would have no pension

Help!

OP posts:

holrosea · 31/01/2022 09:36

You are going to get a lot of questions about why you married someone with such very different ideas to you about money. I realise that we accept many things about partners that are less than ideal, but seeing as money has the potential to cause so much conflict or resentment, and feels so personal, it is an important one to align on.

What do you actually want out of this situation? Because you are right that you can't keep "his" money from him (and if the roles were reversed people would be suspicious of that set up) but being married (and I assume owning or renting together) he has the potential to tie you into any debt he runs up. It's a tough one because as long as you are married, you are a financial unit.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2022 09:40

Neither way is great, honestly.

You need some joint goals and to understand what the other person values.

So for you it’s security, for him it’s having cash to flash. You need joint goals then work out a happy medium. What does he generally spend on - is it lunch, gadgets, going out, clothes?

gobbledygoook · 31/01/2022 09:42

Ooo it's tricky. When you're married doesn't his debt impact you too?

Personally I'd maybe look into financial planners / counselling. If a good financial planner can extrapolate his spending and present him a picture of where he'll be in 25 years time, do you think it'd shock him into action? Or do you think because he knows you're a saver he'll be able to coast on your savings, rather than sort himself out too? Do you often bail him out?

I'm not sure the one pot method works for everyone (we do it in our household but we have super similar mindsets so it works!) in your case it seems like perhaps it isn't the best way forward.

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 09:48

A goal I would say our goal is to do the house up as he agrees about the state of it, but then forgets all that as he is more of a short term person only sees this week doesnt really look to the future if that makes sense

He spends on anything really, clothes, pub, expensive tools for work (fair enough its for work)

To give an example he has spent £200 since Friday and last night asked me to order a £270 drill for work and had the hump when I said no sorry not this week

Maybe its better to just stay as we are if I dont want him running up a load of debt

OP posts:

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 09:51

Honestly? The financially smart thing to do here would be to divorce him - even if you stay as partners.

Everythign right now is joint - if you ever divorce, he will walk off with half of all that effort you've put in to save - half the house, half your pension. And then probably blow it, of course.

You are working as a team, saving for him, thinking of him. He's out for himself.

Stay with him by all means, but I would seriously see a solicitor and work out what it would mean for you in later life if you've worked harder and been sensible and it all goes wrong - exactly what you'd lose.

Do you have children? - if so, or plan to, it's doubly important. They'll suffer for his selfishness too. Don't think for a minute a man like this will think of their futures - his idea of future planning was to snag a nice woman who will do it for him, deny herself so that he can think only of number 1.

In the meantime - it does make sense to have him pay into a pension as if he's provided for, he's got less claim over yoursJust make sure it comes ENTIRELY out of his salary - don't fund it jointly. Same for anything else to benefit him - it comes from what he brings in. Never cover bills for him. Don't ever have a situation where your money, your sensible actions are compensating for money that's disappeared because he's pissed it away.

But seriously think of the future here. The on;y way to really protect your future and your home is to not be married to someone like this. You're risking your security.

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 09:54

To give an example he has spent £200 since Friday and last night asked me to order a £270 drill for work and had the hump when I said no sorry not this week

Yes exactly this. You see his attitude? He can spend his money on shit because his 'safety net' is having married someone sensible. You are there so that he can help himself to your salary, earmark your earnings for the needs while he keeps his for the fun.

Keep saying no.

If you don't have children yet, think hard.

I've known more than one woman made utterly miserable by choosing a partner they don't see eye to eye with financially. And it's nearly ALWAYS this way round - they feel entitled to her working hard to keep them both solvent.

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 09:55

Regarding the house, it is not owned 50/50 we have a deed of trust in place

When setting it up I asked the solicitor does it still stand if we are married and he advised yes it would still be valid

OP posts:

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 09:56

And it shouldn't be 'no sorry not this week'

It NEEDS to be

'no sorry, I'm not subsidising you when you spend your own earnings on shit. You chose to spend your £200 on crap rather than the drill, that's not my problem'

Viviennemary · 31/01/2022 09:57

You are being controlling having his money in your name. This is financial abuse.

Sunshinedreaming2022 · 31/01/2022 09:58

You sound very controlling. Dh and I are very differently financially but I’m the spender and he’s the saver. We have a joint account that we pay into equally for all joint expenses (house and dc related), but then our own money is our own to do what we like with. I would not be happy with him taking all my wages and only allowing me £80 a week. That is so controlling! Sorry but that’s what I do with my dc (well £10, not £80), I wouldn’t dream of doing that to an adult who is actually earning their own money. No wonder he’s in debt and having to rely on credit cards because you won’t allow him to buy his own shit.
I’m sorry but if this was reversed everyone would be telling you to LTB and highlighting financial abuse.

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 09:58

Deed of trust should hold.

But the longer you are married, the more he will get from you if you split and you hold the savings, the bigger pension, etc.

It'll just be seen as his.

You're going to carry this guy more and more because of it.

Don't get to 55 and realise you can't afford to leave a parasite because he has saved so little that the court will give him a huge chunk of your security to make up for it.

Skeumorph · 31/01/2022 10:04

@Sunshinedreaming2022

You sound very controlling. Dh and I are very differently financially but I’m the spender and he’s the saver. We have a joint account that we pay into equally for all joint expenses (house and dc related), but then our own money is our own to do what we like with. I would not be happy with him taking all my wages and only allowing me £80 a week. That is so controlling! Sorry but that’s what I do with my dc (well £10, not £80), I wouldn’t dream of doing that to an adult who is actually earning their own money. No wonder he’s in debt and having to rely on credit cards because you won’t allow him to buy his own shit. I’m sorry but if this was reversed everyone would be telling you to LTB and highlighting financial abuse.

Oh and I broadly agree with this, although I've every sympathy.

You undermine yourself by trying to fix this through controlling it all.

Firstly, it'll suit him VERY well to be able to blame you for financial friction because of this. Secondly, it leaves you being the grown up to his sulking baby - and he has the perfect reason never to change. Finally, it won't help - he'll always try and tuck you up as per the drill conversation.

I would:

make sure the pension is paid from his wages. Make sure you can see that it's still being paid.
make sure you have a stading order into joint account which covers everything - half all bills food etc. Make it higher than you're likely to need, show him he figures at the end of the month and return what's left over. Leave him to it with that and the rest of his monies.
never ever bail him out.

That's all you can do and be fair. It's exhausting and limiting, you'll never feel you're moving forward, only firefighting - and you'll both be less well off over your lifetimes because of it.

Permanent solution - divorce and find a man who isn't like this.

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/01/2022 10:15

I couldn't agree more

He's a dumpster fire you will keep trying to put out

holrosea · 31/01/2022 10:23

FWIW I have a friend who has a partner with very a very similar attitude to money, while she is a saver and planner. She went through a long period of financial hardship and so is very, very financially organised and is, happily, out the other side and doing well for herself. Her partner has always been bailed out by family and friends, and appears to have never learned financial responsibility (he is in his 50s).

I won't go into detail because it is not my story to share, but in short, she has ended up with a parent-child dynamic when it comes to finances. From the outside, it sounds exhausting and honestly as though her partner just doesn't have any respect for her (because if he did he'd help to try to find a middle ground).

It is radical, but I am with the PP who suggest divorce while remaining together fi this is what you want. My friend will never be entirely financially free from her partner while they jointly own a proper, and you will never be entirely financially free from your husband until the legal contract that is marriage is terminated.

Seeline · 31/01/2022 10:25

How about a separate account for saving for the house? Agree how much goes into that each month and keep it entirely separate.

Drill for work - is he self employed? Should the drill be purchased by the company?

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 10:27

I agree its ridiculous, it was his idea for me to keep all the money the last time he ran up a £1,500 overdraft (for the 3rd time)

I said to him a couple of weeks ago why dont you just have all your wages in your own account and just transfer to me half the bills and food but he said no as he would just get into a mess.

OP posts:

EezyOozy · 31/01/2022 10:28

You may have different attitudes to money but you can't keep his wages and transfer him only spending money… It really is not right.

Adatwistscientist · 31/01/2022 10:29

Why is his business needs coming out of personal accounts?

First step would be to set up business accounts so expenses like drills come out of profits from work, not personal savings.

I think transparency will be very important, but agree divorce is a better option as he may well get annoyed being watched over. Divorce means he can make his own mistakes without dragging you down.

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 10:29

He is self employed sole trader so its not an actual company just him so any tools we buy.

And keep the receipts and include on his tax return as expenses

OP posts:

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 10:32

I suppose I should of called him a contractor, he works for an agency he doesnt have a company

OP posts:

minipie · 31/01/2022 10:35

He’s asking you to be his mother basically.

He never wants to make the hard decisions about what is affordable, he wants you to do it, which means you’re always going to be the bad guy/the boring one.

This is not a good approach.

Separate finances won’t help much either a) as you are married and b) as you will end up resentful that he’s spent all his money so you’ve got to fund xyz out of yours.

What you need to do is sit down together one weekend and do a budget. A proper detailed budget with all your income and outgoings. Including any savings towards a future project or pension etc. And then based on that, work out what you can each afford to spend on “other”. Then it’s not your rules, it’s rules you have both agreed to and he understands why. Boring but necessary.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 10:35

DH and I are like this. He’s a spender ‘you only live once’ type of person who is also afraid of risk. I am a saver, a planner, and a researcher who isn’t afraid to take measured risks to grow my investments. We did eventually meet in the middle when I asked for 25% of his salary (which he would usually fritter on stuff he didn’t even remember) to invest for a year - I doubled the return and I think seeing a large amount of money for the first time in his name knocked some sense into him. You might get luck doing things in a similar way?

minipie · 31/01/2022 10:36

Oh and absolutely do not have a baby until this is sorted!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2022 10:38

If yo u transfer him £80, how has he got access to the other £120?

Original poster

southeastlady · 31/01/2022 10:43

Tried to sit down with him to discuss money/budgets numerous times, he will not engage with it or doesnt listen

The more I think about I've come to realise how stressful it is for me. Why cant he have his own money just because we're married?
If he gets a credit card or overdraft that's in his name not mine. I would make it quite clear I would not be bailing him out

OP posts:

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