Different attitudes to money. Keep it separate?

[southeastlady]

My husband and I have totally different attitudes to money, he would quite happily spend everything, get into debt on overdrafts and credit cards and probably wouldnt pay into a pension if I didnt do it for him (he's self employed)

I like to save up for things, invest spare money, never had an overdraft, you get the idea.

Currently all money goes into one account (which is just in my name) and I transfer spends to him

He's meant to have £80 a week as our house needs a lot doing to it and I'm fed up of living in a dump!

Just looked in the bank and since Friday he's spent £200 and its only Monday!
He does earn good money but I feel this is excessive, but he's one of those that if I said no Im not transferring any more to you he'd kick off and say I work long hours you cant keep my own money from me etc etc

I know the general view on here is mainly we're a family all money should go into one pot but I feel like saying keep your bloody money just transfer me your half of the bills and food and if you blow the rest its up to you

Only thing that puts me off doing this is he would get into a load of debt and would have no pension

Help!

Is this really the life you want?

Having the save views on money is very important in a marriage.

Protect yourself from his debts.

Never have any joint cards.

You are very vulnerable.

I would double check with citizens advice as to how exactly you protect yourself.

Think twice about more children too.

So my DH wasn't great with money when we were first married. So we each had a separate account, and then a joint account from which bills were paid. I made him responsible for paying the bills so he could see the reality of it. We also use spending tracker software so he could see where the money was going. He did improve. But you DH sounds way worse, much more cavalier. I'm not sure you are tenable as a married couple. You need to protect yourself from liability for his debt, and protect your future income, assets, and pension from his claims and creditors. I would insist on separate accounts with a joint account for paying shared bills. I would ask for marriage counseling in the hope of getting a clue as to the psychology driving this. He isn't bipolar, is he? (My dad was bipolar and ended up losing huge amounts of his clients' money and all his own assets. A nightmare.) Basically I would give your DH four months to show commitment to change. After that I'd be divorcing him.

How much money is he on? It is relevant to his spending.

Although a £1000 seems excessive. Does he want suits/business wear? Or is he trying to be showy?? If he works in construction then he is a idiot to expect the boom period to last. Salaries are very high but won't last forever.

@southeastlady

I agree its ridiculous, it was his idea for me to keep all the money the last time he ran up a £1,500 overdraft (for the 3rd time)

I said to him a couple of weeks ago why dont you just have all your wages in your own account and just transfer to me half the bills and food but he said no as he would just get into a mess.

This actually would be intolerable to me. He's telling you that he needs you to control his finances, whilst simultaneously refusing to allow you to do it and getting resentful when you do what he's asked. Wants to have his cake and eat it. Fuck that. It's one or the other.

Thank you all for your comments I really appreciate the support!

I’m going through quite a stressful time in life as my dad only has months to live
And husband has applied for a credit card and got an £8,000 limit, it should arrive any day in the post.

He says he won’t get into trouble with it but not holding my breath
I advised him not to get a credit card but he went ahead anyway.

Can you agree a system like one of those savings apps?

Set up direct debits to send money into separate pots- pension, house renovation, immediate bills, and 'free to spend'? You can negotiate how much goes where.

Also, have you asked him how he'd feel if you spent all your money and more, so neither of you had an emergency cushion/got renovations done?

Is there any benefit to him in renovating the house, if the increase in value doesn't come back to him?

You've assumed his spending pattern is due to recklessness, he could have underlying resentment about the house deed of trust (whether reasonable or unreasonable ). He could have a rational outlook that just doesn't match yours. Or he could be a feckless waster. You need to work it out, maybe do counselling together.

This is not a small matter. Why is he getting an £8,000 pound limit on the credit card if he doesn't intend to use it and when he has previously run up large overdrafts. He simply refuses to discuss the issue when you raise the matter. I see a lifetime of financial worry with this man and you supporting him in retirement. I would be giving very serious consideration to divorce. I know a previous poster said that was exteme but I don't think it is. He will always drag you back while you're being "mother" with the money.

My husband has always paid half of our expenses and paid for half of our house. When we fully retire I will likely be subsidising him somewhat but I am okay with that as his doing more of the childcare and household management has made it possible for me to earn my higher salary and there will be plenty for both of us. I am happy for him to be semi-retired too as his job was very stressful and he has had a few health challenges. I just don't think I could put up with your husband's attitude though. What your spouse can or cannot afford to do does affect your day to day life and also long term decisions and I would be very unhappy with somebody relying on me to support them while they simply frittered their money away.

I am assuming from this of course that you don't live on cheap offal with him clad in rags driving a car that is barely roadworthy.

Sorry, me again! Just found out that husband has re-started using an old credit card that was paid off last year and has spent £400 on it in the last month ('luckily' the limit is 'only' £500)

He didnt even tell me I found out by chance. When he gets in from work I am going to ask (no actually f!!k that, demand) he shows me the transactions.

Then I am going to say from this moment on he is on his own financially and I just want his half of the bills and food and he can do what he likes with the rest.

Will be interesting next year when our fixed rate mortgage is up, I bet it wont be 1.79% like it is now

Rant over :) x

My Grand-dad was the same way, he handed 100% of his pay to my Nan and she gave him a weekly allowance for his pipe tobacco, liquorice, to go to the pub and for books to read. I think he had undiagnosed ADHD as he fully admitted he could not handle money at all and he was lucky to have married such a smart woman as my Nan.

I think such a set up is only controlling if it’s done without true informed consent.

OP it’s fine if you don’t want a relationship like that, but there’s nothing wrong with one partner doing the family finances.

If you split up, his debts will be considered joint debts and your assets will be considered martial assets. So he might get half your stuff, despite the fact he has blown his half.

Separate finances don't work if you're married. You're inextricably linked to each other. That's what being married means.

That's interesting, I was told as the cards are in his name he is liable for the debt. The one account we have that is joint is the mortgage.

I think a lot of couples these days have separate accounts, our neighbours have been married 17 years with 2 kids and the wife told me they each get paid into their own accounts.

If I don't do something regarding the finances I'll never be able to save or invest a decent amount which is what I would love to do

Im sure some people here dont have everything joint just because their married?

I think I'd get legal advice on where you'd stand if you got divorced.

Sorry but I couldn't respect a partner acting like this.

Apologies that sounds harsh.

I have experience of an xh who was a net drain (in every way possible).

Why don't you talk to him about a divorce in name only so that his debts don't become your debts?
It's pretty cheap these days. Get a simple consent order drawn up as well.
Then let him crack on with the credit card bills.
Right now you have a parent-child dynamic. You must be exhausted

OP, I am sorry to hear your father is terminally Ill. I slightly hesitate to mention this, but do you think there is a possibility that the increase in your husband’s spending may because he thinks you may inherit some money?

I think I separate money is a good solution. He pays half of all household expenses, his own pension and half the savings. Then he can do what he wants with the rest

You won't be liable for his personal debt, although if you divorce he may get more of your joint assets and money if he has loads of debt.

Not harsh at all, and all true :)

Thinking more about it all the couples we know get paid into their own accounts and transfer a set amount into a bills account and the rest is theirs to run their own cars, spending etc

Of course my husband being a complete twat would end up skint probably but I'm just so fed up of apparently being in charge of the finances and he just goes behind my back and this has happened multiple times now with overdrafts and credit cards.

And he's booked himself 5 private golf lessons at 35 quid each without even asking if we can afford it

He doesn't give a shit.

He will drive you into debt and into the gutter.

This is your life with him.

Hand to mouth.

You deserve better.

Get legal advice and protect yourself.

He cares so little of you that your dad's illness won't give him pause.

If you don't protect yourself from him, you are doomed financially.

Thank you, my Dad died on 28th May. He know's the house and any money are just going straight to my Mum who is 64. His Mum is 72 next birthday and his Dad passed away already so more chance of him getting an inheritance first

@southeastlady

im so sorry to hear about you Dad xx

im not sure where you stand in regard to being equally responsible for any debt he incurred because you're married, but you need to find out!!

if you stay with him you're never going to 'get ahead' like YOU want to. You'll stay in a house that's deteriorating instead of improving, you won't be as prepared for retirement as you would otherwise be. Your kids will miss out on stuff.

I can't see why you'd stay with someone who is going to financially ruin you.

he says one thing, then acts like a 2 year old with NO impulse control.

its miserable when you have to act like someone's mum & it destroys any romantic relationship.

you want someone to be a team with, not someone you have to manage & mother.

I KNOW it's hard to leave, but you need to think about what he is choosing to do to your life!!

Thank you! Basically the main reason I stay is that I work shifts and have an 8 year old so when I’m out at work all night or on lates which is 11:30pm finish husband is at home.
Our family don’t live local