Husband has left me

[Threecrookedhearts]

I don't want this to be outing but I do need to get this all off my chest and hopefullly seek some advice. Dh told me 2 days ago that he'd met someone else, wants a divorce and is leaving me and out 2 kids. I had thought everything was fine with us but we did have a drunken row the saturday before last. We'd been over to a friends house and given i'd had covid at the start of the year I'd hardly been anywhere for ages. I wfh so I've been feeling quite lonely and isolated lately. So we had a nice evening at friends but we argued on walk home so much so that he said he wanted a divorce. Woke up next morning and he said he was going for a walk to clear his head but that he'd had enough and wanted us to split up. It felt different from previous arguments where we would normally stew for a day then make up. He was gone all day and I was v upset and tearful. He then didn't speak to me for the next 2 days. I texted him saying I loved him and please can we work this out and he ignored me. On the Tuesday he sent me a text saying he was going to stay with his brother as he was working up near him in the week and he'd be back friday. Wednesday he texted to say 'we need to talk' can we on friday when i'm back? I just felt sick as a pig all week. Friday he walked in and said he did want us to split up and that he'd met someone else. Total shocker. I'd been reading up on the script that week but honestly did not see that coming. To make it so much worse. He apparently met her only a few weeks before as he met her through his job. A new job he's only had 6 months and is such a great job we were finally going to get ourselves on our feet after him losing his job in the pandemic. She's 41 (i'm nearly 50) and she a widow. has a 4 yr old and lives about 100 miles away. So he just left on Saturday and is now with her. He wasn't with his brother last week he stayed with her and when he went out to clear his head last sunday she came to our city and spent the day with him. How could he let this happen? He's basically being so cruel and blaming me. I'm not affectionate enough, he doesn't like the way I speak to him, i'm a bitch ect. I'm not perfect I know but we've always made each other laugh and I thought we would be ok. i can see now he concocted that argument to have an excuse to leave and could tell everyone he was leaving because of the argument. The minimum contact we had yesterday was very nasty and he was threatening in his tone (i found ow phone no and sent her a message on watsapp). It wasn't an awful message. I suspect he'd told her we'd already separated so i wanted her to know that we hadn't until friday. He sent me a very angry text telling me to never contact her again. I know it's over now and I just don't know how I'm going to get through the days and certainly the nights. I've got some friends to talk to and i'm just telling all friends and they're supporting me. I can't eat, sleep or think about anything else. I'm beyond angry. He's supposed to be coming back mid week and i'd said i'd wanted to go away next weekend (i thought i might go and visit a friend) but I don't want to leave my house or kids. He's chosen to leave the marital home. We're joint mortgage, joint bank account (no separate accounts for either of us). Am I within my rights to refuse to let him stay this week. We have a spare room. The atmosphere is going to be horrible and I can't have him coming and going every week. We can't afford for him to rent somewhere else but he probably needs to be in our town for work at least once per week. His reasons for being in our town will be related to football and his job. Not the kids. I'm going to try and get some legal advice tomorrow. I'm thinking about going to the doctors and getting some anti ds. What do people think? Do they help or can it make you feel worse? I've never taken any medication before. He's not using the funds in our bank account but sticking everything on his credit card. I used to have access to that til Friday but he's changed the login details now so I can't do that. But when that bill needs to be paid it comes from our joint account. It used to be purely for his expenses but he's put loads on now that he won't be able to claim back from work so his expenses he gets paid won't cover the cc bill. I refuse to pay for things he's bought for her, places he's taken her and her child. Can i just cancel the direct debit and then say i'll only pay the sum from his expenses claim? He'll say I'm financially controlling and I'm worried he'll stop paying his salary into the account but i feel sick of the thought of him spending family money on her. Sorry for the long thread and thanks for reading. Any replies most welcome.

I can’t help with practical kid/divorce/asset stuff but I didn’t want to read and run.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You will be ok but not for a while - so I think it’s a brilliant idea to see a GP. ADs don’t always kick in quickly and it can take a while to get the dosage right so perhaps explain how distressing this is and ask about more immediate options that you can take (either alone or until the ADs take effect). Cutting to the chase, we’re talking about benzos here.

It sounds like you understand that the argument wasn’t the real cause so don’t beat yourself up. It also doesn’t sound like this woman is for the long-haul but that doesn’t mean you should take him back if he returns.

By the time I’ve typed this, I reckon someone else will have posted but if not, they’ll be along with advice soon.

Take care of yourself.

Because he's been at least toying with the idea of leaving, if not planning it, for some time, he is likely to be ahead of you in thinking of the finances.

You must get legal advice on finances as a priority. Open a personal account.

I agree with you that if you refuse to honour the direct debit, he may financially retaliate so its essential you get advice.

I wouldn't let him stay. Work can pay for a hotel and he can miss football. He is being so disrespectful even suggesting that.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, however it’s heartening to hear that you are being supported by family and friends.

You must be in an awful state of shock. And hopefully the OW is too given that you’ve told her you and your husband have only just split up.

I think you are right in thinking that he should not be coming back to stay in the marital home. He stated that he was leaving and then did leave. He shouldn’t be led to believe he can return because it’s convenient for work.

I think you’d feel terrible with him back in the house with you. Make it clear to him that it would be very disruptive for him to return home for the period of time he has tried to stipulate. It would make you feel unwell and therefore he will have to stay with his family, friends or in a hotel.

He can pick the kids up to see them and take them elsewhere.

Stress to him that he made the initial decision to leave and he has lost the privilege of being able to come home.

I’d go and see a family solicitor for advice about legally separating. And get your ducks in a row.

Look after yourself, drink plenty of fluids, eat little and often and see your GP if you start to feel low or can’t sleep.

Gosh I can’t believe men have affairs with and potentially ruin their marriages for an OW with v young children?! I just couldn’t go back to life with little ones.

And yes as another PO has said none of this is your fault.

What a *** he is!!!! Insert all possible swear words here.
The argument was instigated by him so he can blame you .
He will have been seeing the woman longer than he says double it and add a week at least .
Can you open another bank account asp. Have your salary paid into that. Open it with at least half the joint account.
Only pay bills in your name or joint name .
Tell him no he can’t come home - ok legally he might be able to but I would ask him to find somewhere else to stay.
50 is not not old - so don’t tell yourself it is.
Keep your friends close and you will be stronger .
You will feel shit for a while but you will get through this and feel better.
Sending hugs x

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot. Between us we only just cover all the bills each month. We've got 4 loans out - one in his name which low and behold gets paid off next month and the other 3 in my name. One still has 5 years left to run and generally we only got the loans as he kept losing his job - probably at least 5 times in last 12 years. I do think he has only just met her as he worked at the location where she is for the first time on the 12 jan. He's got a work phone now so he has the means to be sneaky with that. I had noticed he's been more secretive with it. whereas before it lay around cos he'd never use it I realise recently he's not left it around at all. It's 2am and I can't sleep. I'm constantly shaking with the shock. I've got my elderly parents down to stay and to support me and the kids. Thanks for backing up my feelings that he shouldn't be staying.

I’m so sorry. Truly sorry. Yes, get your finances set up in a hurry.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want him there. That’s his problem to sort out. He chose to leave, so he can sort living arrangements.
About antidepressants - is that what you’re asking? They aren’t an overnight cure. In most cases they take weeks to work and you must try several before you hit on the right one. The side-effects are sucky.
I wish you luck, @Threecrookedhearts. xo

Open another bank account in your name only ASAP.
Transfer half of the funds in your joint account to the new account.
Keep paying bills out of the joint account, but ONLY the bills for the house or for the kids. Do not pay his credit cards or car insurance or hobby bills.
See a solicitor.

Change the locks.
Tell people the truth. Do not try to whitewash his behavior. Be honest with your friends and family. You are hurting. They can help.

I'm pretty sure you can't stop him staying if you're joint mortgage holders.
So unfortunately changing the locks is bad advice.
But he probably won't want to stop.
You will get through this and come out the other side stronger.
Try to eat and drink properly.
And rest as much as you can.
Talk to friends for support.

Open your own account ASAP. You can do this online with Starling bank in about 15 minutes online. Speak to the bank immediately where you hold any accounts before he clears them out. They can put a note on the account to say you are separating. That way he can't close down the accounts.

Get some legal advice ASAP. If he only needs to stay locally a day a week, he can stay with family/friend or at a hotel. Apply to the CMS ASAP for money for the kids. You can't backdate it and you can do this online.

My ex closed the joint account down without me knowing. I notified the mortgage lender straight away about the separation.i pay half the mortgage to the lender, my ex pays his half straight to the lender. I pay the bills, house insurance and food.

Contact your local council.As a single person you can get a discount on your council tax.

Take copies of any statements, loans savings and any other financial documents you have and keep them safe. He may try and deny finances when this is sorted legally.

If the loans are in your name only then he won't be responsible for paying them.

It's good that you have your parents with you. Sorry you are going through this. Be prepared to be in a rollercoaster of emotion but it will get easier over time.he's not the person you thought he was.

You could invite him to mediation.you can find a mediator online. The government are paying £500 towards this to keep people out of the court.

Be prepared though, some exes can get nasty when it comes to money. My ex did. As a punishment for me not having him back after cheating.

He's not the person you thought he was it should read.

Of course he is blaming you because to do so absolves him of his guilt (in his head) for being the one to do the dirty.

I wouldn’t be wanting him around. And I’ll posit the notion that the OW won’t either if he keeps losing jobs.

I’m sorry that he has done this to you OP but he has tied his true colours to the mast. Time to look after you and yours now.

You need a good solicitor tomorrow. Finances are important and him doing 50% of all childcare - week on and week off. He won’t find it so easy then. Set up csa claim. Also all debts are joint as are all assets

If I had my time again I would empty the joint bank account as that is what my ex did - I never got the money back

@Nailsbythesea

If I had my time again I would empty the joint bank account as that is what my ex did - I never got the money back

Agree. Women seem to take 50% even with DC and men take it all.

OP he's left you with 3 loans because of his screw ups. Empty the bank account and put it in a separate count.

Sorry you are going through this. He is a coward and nasty to try and blame you for the split when he already had another woman. It's not your fault. How old are the kids?
Agree I would take a big chunk of the money out of the joint account before he does. Do you work?

Who’s name is the credit card in? If it’s yours and he has a second card on the account just cancel them as if there lost, as you will be liable for the debt. If it’s his own than he’s liable.

OP I was in a very similar situation 7 years ago. Husband went off to work away for 3 days, never came back. Although he did accidentally email me a video of him shagging OW so to be fair I managed to freeze the bank account and tell him I was filing for divorce.
I lost 4 stone from pure stress. I didn't work at the time as we had 2 kids under 3.
I'm not going to lie, I spent a lot of time crying, angry, worried.

Without going into lengthy details, I managed to get myself an evening job so my parents helped with childcare, our divorce was done and dusted within 6 months.

Honestly i now know the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

A year after divorce, quite by chance, I met the love of my life. We have been together 7 years and have a 2 year old.

Once the initial shock had worn off, I promise you'll be fine. One step at a time x

@Threecrookedhearts
So sorry you're going through this, I'm going through similar except my husband's still at home (it's over with OW but only because he couldn't bare to leave our children and she didn't want people knowing what she'd done). I'm taking my time deciding what to do and getting my life and finances in order.

Re the credit card and bills, yes I'd cancel the cc payment if the card's his, but tell him you've done so and why. Reduce down or cancel anything optional if you're struggling to afford them, i.e Sky, contact Council Tax to get the 25% discount. Contact Universal Credit (if your sole earnings are low enough), tell them you're separated. Doubt he'll agree but would your husband take out a loan to consolidate 2 of those in your name?

As other's have said set yourself up with a bank account and start having your salary, UC, CM & CB paid in there, then transfer enough to cover your share of the bills to the joint account for now.

I would not let him stay in the house, surely this would be upsetting not only for you but for your children? Do you they know what's happened?

Re anti d's, I don't feel depressed but I was/am struggling to eat and sleep so my GP prescribed Zopiclone which has helped. I'm trying to eat more but if I can't face it I have milky, sugary hot drinks and a bit chocolate, not great but keeps me going. I'm also taking multi vitamins.

There was a thread on here recently where a posters sister had similar. From the start, she insisted on 50:50 childcare, she actually left the house for a time so he had to step up. Really showed him what life would be actually like and asserting boundaries from the start. Sounded like it really burst his bubble with the OW when real life hit.

Be strong, assert your boundaries. Insist he is responsible for the kids 50/50.

Firstly I can see you work, get your wages paid into a separate account and o my transfer 50% of all the bills into the joint account

Don't worry about the loans, these are also counted as marital debts so will be split 50/50. So will the credit card so if you can get the latest statement so anything over and above this can be discussed

Speak to a solicitor

Work out contact, has he mentioned seeing his dc?

@Threecrookedhearts How old are your DC? Do you think it's possible that he got the job in that area, as it is where she lives? I suspect this has been going on for longer than 12th January.

It sounds like you will need to make some quick changes financially to avoid getting further into debt. Do your parents live nearby?

Transfer any money you own ASAP to a separate account.
Get your affairs in order for divorce proceedings, including child maintenance as he's ffd off with the other woman for now.
Tell him he's not welcome under any circumstances back in your marital home, he stays with her now.

Those three loans belong to both of you, not just you. I'd see if solicitor asap. It will frighten the life out of him.

His new girlfriend is getting a real catch isn't she?

I am so sorry this is is happening to you. Sadly I was in a similar situation 18 months ago and I am coming out the other side. It may not feel like it now but this will get better. On a practical level :
Do not change the locks, legally you cannot do this
Get a solicitor asap, take your marriage certificate with you for the first appointment.
Get copies of any pension, mortgage info etc
File a child maintenance claim today. Can't remember what it cost me,think about £25 but it is a one off cost and takes all the emotion out of it. Well worth it.
Don't worry about debts. You are married. All debts/assets ( with the exception of any inheritances) are joint. Your solicitor will advise you.
Open a personal account and instruct your employer to pay your salary into it.
I would advise against shifting money from the joint account. It will show up when you both need to present bank statements for the financial side of things anyway and any good solicitor will pick this up.
Look after yourself and take each hour/day as it comes. Tempting as it is do not bother with the OW focus your energy elsewhere. I wish you all the very best.xx