Husband has left me

[Threecrookedhearts]

I don't want this to be outing but I do need to get this all off my chest and hopefullly seek some advice. Dh told me 2 days ago that he'd met someone else, wants a divorce and is leaving me and out 2 kids. I had thought everything was fine with us but we did have a drunken row the saturday before last. We'd been over to a friends house and given i'd had covid at the start of the year I'd hardly been anywhere for ages. I wfh so I've been feeling quite lonely and isolated lately. So we had a nice evening at friends but we argued on walk home so much so that he said he wanted a divorce. Woke up next morning and he said he was going for a walk to clear his head but that he'd had enough and wanted us to split up. It felt different from previous arguments where we would normally stew for a day then make up. He was gone all day and I was v upset and tearful. He then didn't speak to me for the next 2 days. I texted him saying I loved him and please can we work this out and he ignored me. On the Tuesday he sent me a text saying he was going to stay with his brother as he was working up near him in the week and he'd be back friday. Wednesday he texted to say 'we need to talk' can we on friday when i'm back? I just felt sick as a pig all week. Friday he walked in and said he did want us to split up and that he'd met someone else. Total shocker. I'd been reading up on the script that week but honestly did not see that coming. To make it so much worse. He apparently met her only a few weeks before as he met her through his job. A new job he's only had 6 months and is such a great job we were finally going to get ourselves on our feet after him losing his job in the pandemic. She's 41 (i'm nearly 50) and she a widow. has a 4 yr old and lives about 100 miles away. So he just left on Saturday and is now with her. He wasn't with his brother last week he stayed with her and when he went out to clear his head last sunday she came to our city and spent the day with him. How could he let this happen? He's basically being so cruel and blaming me. I'm not affectionate enough, he doesn't like the way I speak to him, i'm a bitch ect. I'm not perfect I know but we've always made each other laugh and I thought we would be ok. i can see now he concocted that argument to have an excuse to leave and could tell everyone he was leaving because of the argument. The minimum contact we had yesterday was very nasty and he was threatening in his tone (i found ow phone no and sent her a message on watsapp). It wasn't an awful message. I suspect he'd told her we'd already separated so i wanted her to know that we hadn't until friday. He sent me a very angry text telling me to never contact her again. I know it's over now and I just don't know how I'm going to get through the days and certainly the nights. I've got some friends to talk to and i'm just telling all friends and they're supporting me. I can't eat, sleep or think about anything else. I'm beyond angry. He's supposed to be coming back mid week and i'd said i'd wanted to go away next weekend (i thought i might go and visit a friend) but I don't want to leave my house or kids. He's chosen to leave the marital home. We're joint mortgage, joint bank account (no separate accounts for either of us). Am I within my rights to refuse to let him stay this week. We have a spare room. The atmosphere is going to be horrible and I can't have him coming and going every week. We can't afford for him to rent somewhere else but he probably needs to be in our town for work at least once per week. His reasons for being in our town will be related to football and his job. Not the kids. I'm going to try and get some legal advice tomorrow. I'm thinking about going to the doctors and getting some anti ds. What do people think? Do they help or can it make you feel worse? I've never taken any medication before. He's not using the funds in our bank account but sticking everything on his credit card. I used to have access to that til Friday but he's changed the login details now so I can't do that. But when that bill needs to be paid it comes from our joint account. It used to be purely for his expenses but he's put loads on now that he won't be able to claim back from work so his expenses he gets paid won't cover the cc bill. I refuse to pay for things he's bought for her, places he's taken her and her child. Can i just cancel the direct debit and then say i'll only pay the sum from his expenses claim? He'll say I'm financially controlling and I'm worried he'll stop paying his salary into the account but i feel sick of the thought of him spending family money on her. Sorry for the long thread and thanks for reading. Any replies most welcome.

Don't worry about the loans, these are also counted as marital debts so will be split 50/50

UNTRUE. I do wish people wouldn't say this, it is simply not true.

I was a Bank Manager for 27 years, and specialised in Debt Recovery for over a decade. My role was to pursue debtors for payment, and take legal action if necessary (if indeed there were any Post judgment remedies available).

Categorically, in the UK, if the debt is in the Op's name only, then the Lender cannot pursue her husband for any of it, unless he was a Guarantor or offered up some kind of security to back her loan.

She might be able to hammer out a separation agreement, that takes all assets and all loans into effect, as if they were joint, if her husband is feeling very "fair", BUT, if he decides to not help at all with the loans that are in her name, then she will have to pay them herself. If she cannot afford to, then the Lender will eventually pursue her for payment.

If the loans are unsecured, they will look at the amount outstanding to determine whether it's worth the expense of taking her to court to levy an asset for repayment (such as a car).

If the loans are secured, then of course they can go after whatever property was placed up as security.

Marital debt is not a "thing" in the UK.

My hope would be that Op's husband won't think too much about whose name everything is in, because he knows that really they spent all the money jointly, and in that sense everything will just get lumped together, but if his solicitor points out that the loans are in Ops name, and that he can walk away from them, then maybe he will?

Anyway, on another note, I'd be tempted to let him stay in the house now and again, and I'd message the OW to tell her exactly where he was. Let that sink in.

Op - important - does he have a good pension? Better than yours? You are entitled to half of it, and you can take this in cash. Never under estimate the importance of getting a very good Sol.

Don't worry about debts. You are married. All debts/assets ( with the exception of any inheritances) are joint

NO, THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I was only posting as per my own experience of a very recent divorce. Everything went into the pot.

Oh OP.
He’s a cunt. No one else said it but thought I’d let you know that, it’s absolutely not your fault.
He probably thinks he’s able to swan off and leave you with the children, debt, worry eyc while he plays happy families with her.
I wonder how long she will be interested in him when she realises his debt and propensity for losing jobs…
Find your anger OP and a solicitor.

I believe everything is joint assets, you are married so even though the loan is in your name these will be considered joint debts. So if he has a car regardless whose name is on the ownership papers you are entitled to at least half. Neither of you should be able to ‘hide’ assets or clear out accounts, my dad tried to do this and all his accounts were frozen. As your children are so young, you are likely to be awarded more than 50% of the value/equity. Get yourself some proper legal advice. Good luck OP, stay strong for your children and you will come out better for it in the end especially as OW will probably get sick of him and he’ll try to come crawling back. She was getting the best part of him, dinners, outings etc, the day-to-day reality of living with someone you barely know will be quite different.

You are in shock, a horrible thing has happened and your life has changed. The person who did this to you had himself and his wants in mind, nothing else. You haven't done anything wrong, no matter what he says.

Go to a solicitor right away. Get proper advice. And get angry. That bastard did this to you and your children.

You poor thing, I hope you get the financials sorted. Don't assume he'll be ''reasonably'' fair. Assume he sees ''fair'' as you getting just enough to eke out a meagre existence on and him being comfortable. So be really assertive with the financials without announcing that to him. Be privately very pro-active with the financials. xx

On the emotional side of things, it's going to feel terrible for a while but not forever

This OW doesn't know him at and so he's easy to love now

By the time she's realising that he shocked you so much with his sudden departure and a load of bills, you'll be getting over him and she'll be thinking, oh what a hero, those debts he left her with were his not hers.

Get your wages /benefits paid into a new account. Ideally with a separate bank so it cannot be linked with the joint accounts.
Ask for the joint account to be frozen for everything except direct debits.
Get your self tested for STI's.

How much is in the joint account and how much are the loans? Can you overpay the loans from the bank account? I'd set up a separate account to pay your wages into too.

I'm so sorry, OP. This must have been a terrible shock.

No-one leaves their wife and kids for someone they've known 3 weeks. He's lying. He's probably known her and had an affair for several months.

I'd apply for universal credit if you're on a low wage and CM today.
Sorry this has happened to you. Also don't let him stay ?

Just wanted to add - I'd wait before going on anti-depressants. I'm on them. We had to go through a couple before I found the right one and the process of going on them can be awful. It may make you feel a lot worse.

And they're a total bitch to come off, too. I'd recommend trying to see if you can continue without them. Psychotherapy may help.

I an sorry, it sounds an awful situation to be in.

Bank - ring them, if it is a joint account you need a login.

Solicitor - get an appointment ASAP.

GP - if you need ADS you need them. They might suggest something else but do get a GP appointment.

I expect he has been planning this a while so will have removed his paperwork, bit see what you can find out in terns of finances etc . Take copies. Get as much info as you can for the Solicitor.

In your shoes with only a joint bank account I would be tempted to remove some so you have emergency money in case he clears it. I would open a some bank account anyway.

It must be one heck on a shock but you will get through this.

There is Lots of help and advice on the divorce/separation board.

I believe everything is joint assets, you are married so even though the loan is in your name these will be considered joint debts

Only if the husband agrees to treat the debts as such, in a separation agreement. If he decides he doesn't want to include them in any calculations because they are in the Op's sole name then he has every right to walk away from those loans. The creditor cannot, and would not, even consider pursuing someone whose name was not on the loan.

@Toffeechoc

I am so sorry this is is happening to you. Sadly I was in a similar situation 18 months ago and I am coming out the other side. It may not feel like it now but this will get better. On a practical level : Do not change the locks, legally you cannot do this Get a solicitor asap, take your marriage certificate with you for the first appointment. Get copies of any pension, mortgage info etc File a child maintenance claim today. Can't remember what it cost me,think about £25 but it is a one off cost and takes all the emotion out of it. Well worth it. Don't worry about debts. You are married. All debts/assets ( with the exception of any inheritances) are joint. Your solicitor will advise you. Open a personal account and instruct your employer to pay your salary into it. I would advise against shifting money from the joint account. It will show up when you both need to present bank statements for the financial side of things anyway and any good solicitor will pick this up. Look after yourself and take each hour/day as it comes. Tempting as it is do not bother with the OW focus your energy elsewhere. I wish you all the very best.xx

Excellent advice.

Please be very careful with benzodiazepines. They are highly addictive and very hard to quit.

@Threecrookedhearts

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot. Between us we only just cover all the bills each month. We've got 4 loans out - one in his name which low and behold gets paid off next month and the other 3 in my name. One still has 5 years left to run and generally we only got the loans as he kept losing his job - probably at least 5 times in last 12 years. I do think he has only just met her as he worked at the location where she is for the first time on the 12 jan. He's got a work phone now so he has the means to be sneaky with that. I had noticed he's been more secretive with it. whereas before it lay around cos he'd never use it I realise recently he's not left it around at all. It's 2am and I can't sleep. I'm constantly shaking with the shock. I've got my elderly parents down to stay and to support me and the kids. Thanks for backing up my feelings that he shouldn't be staying.

There are many things to deal with but just to jump on and say that the loans are debts of the marriage. They are not just yours even if they are in your name. They were taken out during your marriage, for the benefit of you all and therefore your husband is equally liable. I was you Op 25 years ago. It hurts like hell but you will get through it. I send you a huge hug. Take one day at a time. Every day will have something shit in it for the next few weeks but each thing only needs doing once, forms, bank accounts, telling your children's teachers. In the end the new scaffold of your life is formed . Then you can begin to fly. And you will. When you need a good cry, have one. Let it all out. Then put the kettle on , wash your face, and carry on. The tears will be everywhere just now. They will pass.

There are many things to deal with but just to jump on and say that the loans are debts of the marriage. They are not just yours even if they are in your name. They were taken out during your marriage, for the benefit of you all and therefore your husband is equally liable

Where are you getting this from??

I know I am repeating myself, but as Debt Collection Manager of over a decade, the above statement is simply not true. You cannot pursue someone for a loan that they did not take out.

Try to think of it this way. If a woman had a sole account with lots of money in it, do you think that her husband would be able to empty that account, even though his name wasn't on the account?

Of course not.

The same applies to debt. A creditor simply cannot pursue a person for debt amassed by their spouse. Unless they were a Guarantor or a Third Party Surety.

@Toffeechoc

I was only posting as per my own experience of a very recent divorce. Everything went into the pot.

Me too. All debts were considered joint and equal and were put in the pot of things that had to be dealt with as part if the financial arrangements of the divorce.

@BlondeDogLady

There are many things to deal with but just to jump on and say that the loans are debts of the marriage. They are not just yours even if they are in your name. They were taken out during your marriage, for the benefit of you all and therefore your husband is equally liable

Where are you getting this from??

I know I am repeating myself, but as Debt Collection Manager of over a decade, the above statement is simply not true. You cannot pursue someone for a loan that they did not take out.

Try to think of it this way. If a woman had a sole account with lots of money in it, do you think that her husband would be able to empty that account, even though his name wasn't on the account?

Of course not.

The same applies to debt. A creditor simply cannot pursue a person for debt amassed by their spouse. Unless they were a Guarantor or a Third Party Surety.

A creditor only has to pursue anyone if the debt is not paid. If the financial part of the divorce requires the continued payment of the debt by both parties then debt collection managers are not required. "Where am I getting this from ?" My personal experience of my divorce.

Toffeechoc and AngelinaFibres

My previous post covers this :

Only if the husband agrees to treat the debts as such, in a separation agreement. If he decides he doesn't want to include them in any calculations because they are in the Op's sole name then he has every right to walk away from those loans. The creditor cannot, and would not, even consider pursuing someone whose name was not on the loan

In your cases, your husbands agreed that all loans would be included in the divorce agreement. Which is great! However, if the person who is not on the loan decides they do not want anything to do with the loan, they can (and often do) walk away, and leave their former spouse high and dry.

My own sibling took debts out in her name only, when she was married, for household items. The total was £50k. Her husband walked away and said "not my problem". She was left with the whole lot. (I didn't know, or I would have given her advice!)

How are you today OP? Did you eventually fall asleep?

I’m glad to hear you’ve got your parents with you for help and company at the moment.

OP, something similar happened to me, 10 years ago, very quick infatuation, then turned on me , blamed me for everything and just became a different person overnight. It was devastating at the time, however 10 years on, I am in a happy place, and have a close relationship with my DC who see him a handful of times a year (at his own choice).

There are two separate issues regarding the debt. Yes it is in the name of the card holder/loan holder.

In a divorce, a judge can treat them as joint marital debt and both parties can come to an agreement to take responsibility for half each or whatever, I had friends who did this.