Husband has left me

[Threecrookedhearts]

I don't want this to be outing but I do need to get this all off my chest and hopefullly seek some advice. Dh told me 2 days ago that he'd met someone else, wants a divorce and is leaving me and out 2 kids. I had thought everything was fine with us but we did have a drunken row the saturday before last. We'd been over to a friends house and given i'd had covid at the start of the year I'd hardly been anywhere for ages. I wfh so I've been feeling quite lonely and isolated lately. So we had a nice evening at friends but we argued on walk home so much so that he said he wanted a divorce. Woke up next morning and he said he was going for a walk to clear his head but that he'd had enough and wanted us to split up. It felt different from previous arguments where we would normally stew for a day then make up. He was gone all day and I was v upset and tearful. He then didn't speak to me for the next 2 days. I texted him saying I loved him and please can we work this out and he ignored me. On the Tuesday he sent me a text saying he was going to stay with his brother as he was working up near him in the week and he'd be back friday. Wednesday he texted to say 'we need to talk' can we on friday when i'm back? I just felt sick as a pig all week. Friday he walked in and said he did want us to split up and that he'd met someone else. Total shocker. I'd been reading up on the script that week but honestly did not see that coming. To make it so much worse. He apparently met her only a few weeks before as he met her through his job. A new job he's only had 6 months and is such a great job we were finally going to get ourselves on our feet after him losing his job in the pandemic. She's 41 (i'm nearly 50) and she a widow. has a 4 yr old and lives about 100 miles away. So he just left on Saturday and is now with her. He wasn't with his brother last week he stayed with her and when he went out to clear his head last sunday she came to our city and spent the day with him. How could he let this happen? He's basically being so cruel and blaming me. I'm not affectionate enough, he doesn't like the way I speak to him, i'm a bitch ect. I'm not perfect I know but we've always made each other laugh and I thought we would be ok. i can see now he concocted that argument to have an excuse to leave and could tell everyone he was leaving because of the argument. The minimum contact we had yesterday was very nasty and he was threatening in his tone (i found ow phone no and sent her a message on watsapp). It wasn't an awful message. I suspect he'd told her we'd already separated so i wanted her to know that we hadn't until friday. He sent me a very angry text telling me to never contact her again. I know it's over now and I just don't know how I'm going to get through the days and certainly the nights. I've got some friends to talk to and i'm just telling all friends and they're supporting me. I can't eat, sleep or think about anything else. I'm beyond angry. He's supposed to be coming back mid week and i'd said i'd wanted to go away next weekend (i thought i might go and visit a friend) but I don't want to leave my house or kids. He's chosen to leave the marital home. We're joint mortgage, joint bank account (no separate accounts for either of us). Am I within my rights to refuse to let him stay this week. We have a spare room. The atmosphere is going to be horrible and I can't have him coming and going every week. We can't afford for him to rent somewhere else but he probably needs to be in our town for work at least once per week. His reasons for being in our town will be related to football and his job. Not the kids. I'm going to try and get some legal advice tomorrow. I'm thinking about going to the doctors and getting some anti ds. What do people think? Do they help or can it make you feel worse? I've never taken any medication before. He's not using the funds in our bank account but sticking everything on his credit card. I used to have access to that til Friday but he's changed the login details now so I can't do that. But when that bill needs to be paid it comes from our joint account. It used to be purely for his expenses but he's put loads on now that he won't be able to claim back from work so his expenses he gets paid won't cover the cc bill. I refuse to pay for things he's bought for her, places he's taken her and her child. Can i just cancel the direct debit and then say i'll only pay the sum from his expenses claim? He'll say I'm financially controlling and I'm worried he'll stop paying his salary into the account but i feel sick of the thought of him spending family money on her. Sorry for the long thread and thanks for reading. Any replies most welcome.

Forgot to say, I second all the good advice that you have been given about finances, open your own bank account, get your CB and wages paid into it and apply for UC and council tax discount.

You cannot guarantee that your H will pay anything into the joint account though, it depends how decent he is regarding the DC needing a roof over their heads.

You have been blindsided and I think you need to catch up really quickly. You need your own bank account and I would clear the joint one. You need legal advise.

@Toffeechoc

I am so sorry this is is happening to you. Sadly I was in a similar situation 18 months ago and I am coming out the other side. It may not feel like it now but this will get better. On a practical level : Do not change the locks, legally you cannot do this Get a solicitor asap, take your marriage certificate with you for the first appointment. Get copies of any pension, mortgage info etc File a child maintenance claim today. Can't remember what it cost me,think about £25 but it is a one off cost and takes all the emotion out of it. Well worth it. Don't worry about debts. You are married. All debts/assets ( with the exception of any inheritances) are joint. Your solicitor will advise you. Open a personal account and instruct your employer to pay your salary into it. I would advise against shifting money from the joint account. It will show up when you both need to present bank statements for the financial side of things anyway and any good solicitor will pick this up. Look after yourself and take each hour/day as it comes. Tempting as it is do not bother with the OW focus your energy elsewhere. I wish you all the very best.xx

I agree this is excellent advice. As painful as this is you need to address the practicalities of the situation asap for you children’s security. There will be no closure on why he has left and in truth if he has made up his mind that is all you need to know. If he comes back it will be because the grass wasn’t greener not because he is committed to you.

Acting on anger will provoke anger and a series of petty retaliations that neither of you can afford. You will have to pull on big girl pants and sit down with him to work out the financials of your separation. If your family income doesn’t stretch to a second home, then he may have to continue living there.

If he is away a lot then perhaps you can agree to a form of nesting for when he is there. For example eow he stays in the house with the children and you stay with family. Facilitating time with his children is important for them.

Also remember no one is entitled to an explanation about decisions you now make and anyone who judges you can go fuck themselves.

Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark is a good book to read.

If he is away a lot then perhaps you can agree to a form of nesting for when he is there. For example eow he stays in the house with the children and you stay with family. Facilitating time with his children is important for them

Nah, there's no way I'd be agreeing to that. Getting horsed out of my own home eow. No idea what is meant about nesting??

It might be better if you let him stay for visits when he needs to be back - otherwise he will stay in a hotel and take the money out of your joint finances before any divorce settlement. Plus, then you can show why he has to keep paying his part of mortgage and bills.

@BlondeDogLady

If he is away a lot then perhaps you can agree to a form of nesting for when he is there. For example eow he stays in the house with the children and you stay with family. Facilitating time with his children is important for them

Nah, there's no way I'd be agreeing to that. Getting horsed out of my own home eow. No idea what is meant about nesting??

It’s his house as well. In the face of an option that they continue to live together because they can’t afford two equal homes, people nest.

One parent lives with the children whilst the other is in a small flat or studio. They switch according to who has access at any given time.

In this case he is away a lot so the OP would only need to find a few nights in a Arbnb

Even if the OP got an occupation order, which isn’t guaranteed, they don’t have much money. Sharing the home or nesting might be the only option.

Again she doesn’t have a right to exclude him from the home whilst expecting him to be able to pay a mortgage and rent.

They were discussing nesting on the radio a few weeks back - it sounds like it can work really well if you’ve got somewhere the other parent can go between times. Certainly sounds good for the children because nothing for them changes other than the parent there.

@Nailsbythesea

You need a good solicitor tomorrow. Finances are important and him doing 50% of all childcare - week on and week off. He won’t find it so easy then. Set up csa claim. Also all debts are joint as are all assets

I don't get this. This other woman is practically a stranger even to lover boy & she's already done some extremely evil to the children. I would fight tooth and nail to keep my children away from her.

Definitely worth using a mediator for the financial side. Whatever agreement you reach can be checked by your solicitor- I found this a better and cheaper way of doing things and like a PP said, the government will pay £500 towards the cost.
Solicitors charge for every letter, call, email- so if you can save yourself some of that expense- do so.
once you decide to take control of the practicalities, you find some strength. Yes you will have days when you are overcome with emotions, with questions, with disbelief that the same man who loved you, now talks and treats you like you have committed some awful crime against him.
This is what they do- it’s no reflection on you, it’s just how they try and justify their actions.
You will get through this.

Thank you sincerely for all of your replies. I was a total wreck this morning after a week of hardly any sleep. I rang the doctors and have a call back tomorrow. I did speak the the legal advice through my work perk but it wasn't great so I'd need to pay for advice I think. I am not on benefits nor entitled to any. I have a full time job so am secure and have my own pension. I earn a bit more than him and my pension is much better than his. I am worried he'll get nasty and ow and his family will advice him to come after my assets. We don't have any other savings. I heard from him today and then replied and told he he can't stay over with us anymore. He's left me and moved in with another woman so that's it he can't come back. He implied I was keeping him away from the kids and I said I'm not stopping you seeing them. You just can't stay here. He's been so nasty to me and I'm right on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Him being here and being nasty/ignoring would be too much. He really has made his choice so I can't be around him now. I have no family here. My family (just my parents) are 150 miles away. I would not ever entertain me moving out so he can co parent. I either move out and we sell and i try and get something a bit better than a tiny flat with my share of the equity or i stay here and he financially contributes. I'm a bit concious that he knows i go on mn so he might look here or ask ow to. i've outed myself anyway. I had a walk this afternoon, met my kids after school and we all walked home together. I've had some lovely messages of support from friends. Thank you to whoever recommended the book. I was going to ask for recommendations so I've ordered that now.

Sorry, I should have said the kids are 12 and 14 so there's no childcare needed from DH. I'm mainly wfh so i'm here for them all the time and when i do go back to office they are ok letting themselves in. I live in a good public transport area and so while i'll miss him taking the kids to things we'll have to get by on public transport. He can move in with ow or his mum (who lives not that far from ow) if he likes and pay for a hotel when he wants to see kids.

@skyeisthelimit

Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark is a good book to read.

I've bought it - thanks. Can't wait to get stuck into it!

I have been through something very similar . I am now happily married to dh2 . Dh1 was incredibly selfish at this time . His aim was to leave and to keep everything but most importantly to him to have his reputation in tact . This meant first keeping the situation secret and when that didn’t work - making sure everyone knew it was all my fault . I made sure everyone knew what really happened . I let the truth breathe. He wanted me back after less than one year . However I had gone for good .

@skyeisthelimit

OP, something similar happened to me, 10 years ago, very quick infatuation, then turned on me , blamed me for everything and just became a different person overnight. It was devastating at the time, however 10 years on, I am in a happy place, and have a close relationship with my DC who see him a handful of times a year (at his own choice).

There are two separate issues regarding the debt. Yes it is in the name of the card holder/loan holder.

In a divorce, a judge can treat them as joint marital debt and both parties can come to an agreement to take responsibility for half each or whatever, I had friends who did this.

your ex dh sounds exactly like mine. His brother did the same to his wife 20 yrs ago and he became disney dad. Kids saw him eow and holidays and he took them on expensive holidays but i don't think they every liked ow - who he married and is still with. x

Hopefully you are finding your anger as that will give you the energy and power to do what you need to do.

Lock down what you need to do $ wise. These men will take everything they possibly can.

I’m in the USA so no practical advice other than to do it all ASAP.

If you need to get strong I suggest chumplady.com she is funny and you’ll find out just how boring your husband really is. It’s like these people all take the same life training class!

Dear OP - I'm so sorry, he's awful. You really didn't deserve any if this - whatever excuses and smokescreens he throws up. The one person you thought could rely on in the world has betrayed you and your kids. I know how that feels and it is terrible. I could write so much more but what I will say that I know it feels devastating now but it will get better, I promise. One day it will not be the first thing that hits you in the gut. It will change. And you will pick a better and brighter future for yourself. Right now it's going to be day by day. Wrap yourself in that support and take care of you. And your DC.

It is really important that you get legal advice. Your first session may well be free so get that lined up. I really do not advise the mediator route at all be very very careful - I know people who agreed to things in mediation that were not in their best interests and hard then to row back from. Get your ducks in a row legally and know what you are entitled to. Since we have a no blame divorce system it doesn't matter who left who - the principle for a long marriage is a 50:50 split of assets after debts are deducted: the assets include the value of pensions. Re housing he will be entitled to expect to be able to have a home that can house both his kids. That's complicated by him moving in with the OW ( what a terrible idea in her part... if they only met a few weeks ago which I seriously doubt. He us s liar and a cheat - that's all you do know right now). Your lawyer will be able to advise on the housing issue.

But with the house the principle would be that it would very likely have to be sold to split the proceeds - unless you can buy him out of his share. What I did was keep the house and borrow more money (interest only) on the mortgage and then my XH retained a 20percent charge on the property - which equated to his remaining share. Our agreement was that I would pay back his share when my youngest DC left further education. Now done by downsizing. On an ongoing basis he paid me maintenance for the kids upkeep (but not spousal maintenance as I earned more than him). The maintenance for the kids was calculated on the basis of how many nights they were with me and how many With him - EOW and Wednesdays. My DC declined to go and stay after 16.

The one thing I would urge you though is not to let your anger with him impact on your DC. Never use them against him or bad mouth him, it will damage them and they will hold it against you later. Separation and divorce is very tough on teenagers and they will need all the support and love they can get. Reassure them it's nothing to do with them and they are so loved.

Big hugs OP.....

God this sounds awful. Something very similar happened to me. My solicitor said I couldn't stop him staying in the house but I did say I wanted notice if he planned to and he had to sleep in the spare room. In reality he was in the honeymoon stage with the OW so hardly came back. I would get all the financial, legal etc documents together and keep them somewhere safe. I was lost for a few days and thought I needed medication but actually I found starting the divorce process put me back in control and I found it much easier to focus on the practicalities and the end goal. I would definitely recommend doing the divorce application as soon as you can. He's said he wants a divorce, give him one and move on with your life happy and free!

Something very similar happened with my niece.
Unfortunately she totally went to pieces. She took medication that left her unable to think clearly. Her Ex exploited the situation and she suffered financially because of it.
We offered her sound advice but she refused to take it as «it might upset him and he will never come back». He never did come back but he totally took my niece to the cleaners.
I would suggest that you get good legal advice immediately.
You need to distance yourself from his debts as soon as possible.
Try and keep a clear head. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
You may be interested to know 12 years on my niece has met and married a lovely chap. She is happy, her 3 children are happy and she is having a new baby.
The ex meanwhile has gone from bad to worse. No happy ending for him.
I do wish you well.

Thank you again for all advice and for sharing your stories. I spoke to doctor this morning and he's prescribed some sleeping pills. I've not picked up prescription yet. I've spent the day going through financials, getting house valued etc. I had a confirmation from the council tax that he's off the bill and I have my discount. It's only about £45 but felt like a move in the right direction. Trying to work out if we can stay here as kids don't want to leave but I just want a total financial split. I've had to text ex dh today about kids. He'd insinuated they weren't picking up his calls. They don't really want to talk to him. He just trots out 'how was school' etc? He's not apologised to them. My runaway husband book has arrived so I have some bedtime reading tonight.