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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love you but I'm not in love with you

93 replies

PeacefulPottering · 30/01/2022 22:47

Just had this said to me . What does it actually mean? I want you but actually don't? I'm really confused. The seranio was I dressed up, put makeup on, trying to kickstart our sex life. I looked and felt sexy, I sat next to him and stroked him, clearly wanting sex/intamcy.
We are 21 years together, two kids, left home, I'm 51, have a nice body, keep healthy and fit. He has a big tummy, always been fit but recently has no bother to sat to me, look at this large tummy? I responded, it's just a bit bloated?
He hates every bit of me if I put on weight, but he seems to revel in it!

OP posts:
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 31/01/2022 12:15

My ex said this to me, there was someone else but it took another 6 months to find that out.

The script just means that these men are oh so predictable rather than they have read it online and then decided to repeat it to their long suffering OH.

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 15:06

I think it's just a fairly predictable modus operandi.

Admit to what you have to admit to (either because it can be proven or because you need to say something to explain leaving).

I think a lot of men feel entitled to flirt (cheat) and still have a good marriage. They don't see that the flirting and cheating should cost them their marriage. they want both. And so because they don't feel they did anything wrong, brazenly lying about what can't be proven is not uncomfortable for them at all. They're really just irritated that you're quizzing them and that they have to endure the interrogation.

MMmomDD · 31/01/2022 15:22

Men who have affairs don’t let themselves go and grow big stomachs.
Personally I think he is depressed because he came back, begged for the second chance and is now stuck with it.
You said you were trying to restart your sex life? How long has it been sexless?
To me that also would be pointing to the depression, etc.
Or maybe he also developed ED due to excess weight.

Kombuchaja · 31/01/2022 15:32

There’s another woman in the picture

cherrypie66 · 31/01/2022 15:34

He loves you like a sister not a partner he doesn't fancy you
Usually only said when someone else has come on the scene that he wants to shag

Maze76 · 31/01/2022 18:56

@RandomMess

It means he doesn't fancy you anymore. It is often followed with them telling you that they've been unhappy for years and it turns out their having an affair.
Yup - I agree
NorthGirlie · 31/01/2022 19:18

It doesn’t necessarily mean there is someone else. He has said he loves you but isn’t in love with you. Sounds to me the romantic side/sex life is over and he views you like a sister or close friend.

schoolsoutforever · 31/01/2022 19:22

If you love him fully then that’s disappointing. But, on the other hand, if you (as you say) are fit and interested, maybe it’s time to look elsewhere? (And split up with him). I bet there are plenty other attractive people out there for you. I’m not sure it sounds like he’s keen any more so just move on (he may regret it after but hey ho).

Pinkbonbon · 31/01/2022 20:43

It means its time to go.

But I'm sorry you're post was not quite clear, do you mean he is critical of your weight even though you are far more in shape than him?

If so, why the hell would you want to stay with the wanker anyway?

Nosquit · 31/01/2022 22:31

Is he older or younger than you OP? Only he sounds a bit like someone I know from a group I am in: He is a bigger guy and yet fit and also around the right age going by yours. He is also a lovely guy but a serial flirt and has never mentioned marital status one way or another.

UserBot9to5 · 01/02/2022 08:31

These guys arent rare. They're ten a penny. Doubt it's anybody you know.

SallyWD · 01/02/2022 08:41

I think it means "I love you like I love a close friend or like I love my sister but I don't love you romantically/sexually as a partner". He doesn't sound very kind at all. I'm sorry OP.

ravenmum · 01/02/2022 09:55

Men who have affairs don’t let themselves go and grow big stomachs
Not after they start the affair, no. But before the affair? My exh did.

ravenmum · 01/02/2022 10:02

And I was wondering whether to mention it before, but when he was having his affair, he kind of blamed me for his excess weight: his OW "cared about him enough" to go to the gym with him, whereas I supposedly just left him to get fat. I'd been non-critical about his body shape, saying he looked good (which he did), while at the same time encouraging him to be more active and go back to some of the sports he'd enjoyed when younger. If I'd tried to push him like the OW evidently did, that would of course have been uncaring!

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2022 13:02

@Kelly7889

What it actually means is "I'm not in love with you" which means he either has his eye on someone else, or is involved with someone else, or hopes to.

There is absolutely no coming back from this, I had someone say this to me once and gave him 2 more years of my life, hoping somehow he would go back to the way it was. It was absolutely terrible. He became so callous.

Sometimes he wanted sex if he was bored - it doesn't mean they love you, fancy you or even like you - men will fuck an apple pie or a plastic doll if there is nothing else available. I didn't know this then because sex and love were one and the same to me.

Please please take the intiative, keep your self-respect and move on without him.

This. Its a weasel way of saying "I've lost interest in you but I am comfortable/like your cooking/we have kids/I want an occasional shag and I don't quite have the balls to tell you its over properly. I'm therefore hoping you will take the hint and slink off into the sunset while I get back on tinder and find a younger model".

OR

"I've met someone else and I haven't got the balls to tell you directly and honestly. Please make it easy for me and do the dirty work."

In neither scenario is it worth dignifying this response or "working on it" or any of the other self-torturing actions women often put themselves through after hearing this line. It's marching orders for your self respect. Act accordingly.

Sleepytimebear · 01/02/2022 13:10

I don't quite agree with posters who say it means they love you as a friend, just not romantically. Very often this phrase is accompanied by an affair - not the actions of someone who cares about you. As pp have said I think it just means they don't love you. Perhaps they think it's kinder, perhaps they think it leaves the door open if they change their mind and want to come back?

User310 · 01/02/2022 13:12

I would assume it meant he loves you like family but not a romantic partner.

Sorry op that’s horrible to hear from your husband.

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 14/02/2022 23:50

I have left him. Thank you to everyone who responded. Yes there was AW. Found out in the usual painful way, hotel reciept whilst supposed to be at work. I'm actually doing okay. I tried really hard to be the perfect wife, did all the pick me shite and now feel relieved he's gone. I told him to leave ten days ago, he did, actually he had no leg to stand on, caught red handed as it were.
I'm actually ok. Feel relieved. Feel like it wasn't me going mad. My self esteem was rock bottom because I couldn't understand why. Now I know it's the usual, head turned, not actually about me.
Yes he is now getting in touch after ten days of me not speaking to him. Tonight he phoned saying he doesn't know why he cheated, I'm his only love, I'm the only one who he will ever love, they were only sex, he settled down to early and wanted other women.
I'm a bit numb to it all now. I don't know what has changed with me but I just feel numb. Don't want him phoning so I will ignore for now. I would have given anything a few months ago to have him say this but now I just feel the ick. Thank you guys for your help, it takes a few days, months etc but the scales do fall and you realise you are so, so, so much worth more than a cheating gaslighting poor excuse.

OP posts:
floppybit · 14/02/2022 23:57

Well done you. You sound so strong and like you are doing really well. You will have days where you wobble but hang in there, you've got an exciting future ahead of you

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 01:34

@PeacefulPottering

I have left him. Thank you to everyone who responded. Yes there was AW. Found out in the usual painful way, hotel reciept whilst supposed to be at work. I'm actually doing okay. I tried really hard to be the perfect wife, did all the pick me shite and now feel relieved he's gone. I told him to leave ten days ago, he did, actually he had no leg to stand on, caught red handed as it were. I'm actually ok. Feel relieved. Feel like it wasn't me going mad. My self esteem was rock bottom because I couldn't understand why. Now I know it's the usual, head turned, not actually about me. Yes he is now getting in touch after ten days of me not speaking to him. Tonight he phoned saying he doesn't know why he cheated, I'm his only love, I'm the only one who he will ever love, they were only sex, he settled down to early and wanted other women. I'm a bit numb to it all now. I don't know what has changed with me but I just feel numb. Don't want him phoning so I will ignore for now. I would have given anything a few months ago to have him say this but now I just feel the ick. Thank you guys for your help, it takes a few days, months etc but the scales do fall and you realise you are so, so, so much worth more than a cheating gaslighting poor excuse.
Well done! Stay strong x Flowers Cake
blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 02:46

What a horrid thing to do to someone
Poke fun at their body & tell them they’re not in love with them
When they go to make a move
Embrace the ick darling
What a disgusting human
Acting like his partner is an appliance not working properly
For putting on a few pounds
When they are no oil painting themselves
You are so much better off without his toxic attitude
I suggest redecorating every room in your home
To remove all traces of his presence there
Am glad he left peacefully
& you sound smart + strong too
You will shine without him there to bring you down
IMO

PrawnDrench · 15/02/2022 03:01

You did the right thing Flowers. And hopefully you now have closure because if you didn’t give him a second chance, you might have to wondered what would have happened etc. so don’t make yourself bad for doing that. Just move on and draw a line in the sand and don’t let him back weasel his way into your life. A leopard never changes its spots.

PrawnDrench · 15/02/2022 03:01

make yourself feel bad*

ravenmum · 15/02/2022 09:23

His head wasn't turned, it was on permanent rotation by the sound of it.
Now you can get on with your life without this dead weight dragging you down.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 15/02/2022 14:22

If you take him back AGAIN - then more fool you.

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