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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love you but I'm not in love with you

93 replies

PeacefulPottering · 30/01/2022 22:47

Just had this said to me . What does it actually mean? I want you but actually don't? I'm really confused. The seranio was I dressed up, put makeup on, trying to kickstart our sex life. I looked and felt sexy, I sat next to him and stroked him, clearly wanting sex/intamcy.
We are 21 years together, two kids, left home, I'm 51, have a nice body, keep healthy and fit. He has a big tummy, always been fit but recently has no bother to sat to me, look at this large tummy? I responded, it's just a bit bloated?
He hates every bit of me if I put on weight, but he seems to revel in it!

OP posts:
Flutterflybutterby · 31/01/2022 04:00

It's a disgusting thing to say. It basically means he's fond of you/grown familiar with you but no longer loves, respects, or values you as a woman. I'd be going to couple's counselling

Graphista · 31/01/2022 04:22

Usually - that I there's an ow on the scene!

Very much a beloved phrase used by cheaters!

Sorry op seems like ducks in a row time to me

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/01/2022 04:26

I love you BUT….

Generally means that they don’t.

Sorry OP.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 31/01/2022 04:33

Read The Script.
I agree that shots have been fired.

Workinghardeveryday · 31/01/2022 04:34

Hope you’re okay, did you talk to him about it x

AlDanvers · 31/01/2022 05:05

I think it means just that. There's no romantic love there. Like I love my brother.

I disagree that there must be an OW or it means he doesn't respect you. I definitely respect and like people I love in a non romantic way.

There could be an OW. But sometimes people just fall out of love. Posters are told all the time they don't anyone a relationship. That you can call time for any reason. But, imo, he does owe you honesty. Because usually, OW or not, it's preparing you for the relationship to be over. Or settle for just being friends who are married.

Also never understood the advice to dress up and give someone the come on if they have been avoiding sex. Its a really risky move and if the person doesn't want sex, then they end up having it to avoid offending the other person or the person who dressed up ends up feeling humiliated.

Not really sure what happened with who mentioned whose weight to be honest.

I think you need to start thinking about how you move forward. I am sorry, this must have been painful to hear.

isthismylifenow · 31/01/2022 05:08

Sorry OP.

I was told the same thing.

It's crushing I know.

There was someone else.

It is 100% part of the script. Including the stomach comments. The talking down to you is him trying to justify his actions. You won't be overly nice back to him, therefore you aren't nice to him so it's ok he looks elsewhere for someone who is.

And here they think they are so bloody clever, but they all do and act in the same fkn way.

💐

MsDogLady · 31/01/2022 05:59

Peaceful, your H has a history of cheating and appears to once again be in wayward mode.

Last month you wrote that he had an affair 5 years ago and wanted to be with OW. You and the children moved out and went through hell. 18 months later he wanted to reunite, and you agreed. Things were tricky for a while, and one night you went nuclear on him. He claimed to finally understand the damage he’d done, and things changed for the better.

You said that H respects you now and “he knows he is lucky to have a second chance.” I’m very sorry, but his declaring ILYBNILWY suggests that you’ve been in false reconciliation or that he has once again disengaged and is choosing infidelity. Flowers

AlDanvers · 31/01/2022 06:17

@MsDogLady

Peaceful, your H has a history of cheating and appears to once again be in wayward mode.

Last month you wrote that he had an affair 5 years ago and wanted to be with OW. You and the children moved out and went through hell. 18 months later he wanted to reunite, and you agreed. Things were tricky for a while, and one night you went nuclear on him. He claimed to finally understand the damage he’d done, and things changed for the better.

You said that H respects you now and “he knows he is lucky to have a second chance.” I’m very sorry, but his declaring ILYBNILWY suggests that you’ve been in false reconciliation or that he has once again disengaged and is choosing infidelity. Flowers

Oh right.

Then ignore everything I said.

He wanted to leave. For whatever reason he didn't. Guilt, OW didn't want him, to much to lose financially...whatever the reason he is saying he doesn't want to be with you and is starting the process of leaving.

updownroundandround · 31/01/2022 07:26

It's over.

He lies.

He cheats.

He treats you like a piece of meat.

He is an asshole of the 1st order.

FFS, pull up your big girl pants and kick him OUT !

Neither you nor your DC deserve to be treated so horribly, and you NEED to be a better parent to your DC and protect them from further emotional trauma.

Kick him out TODAY, and begin rebuilding your life !

Millions of other women have done it, and there's NO reason you can't do it too ! Flowers

Crucible · 31/01/2022 08:11

I get from your post that you're concerned in part with the unfair nature of the double standard between your weight gain (or lack of it) and his weight gain.
I can understand that, given the history, he has created a situation where you are doing the 'pick me' dance.
I think many posters have since outlined that there is a much much bigger picture to look at. If it were me, I'd simply file for divorce. Sunk cost fallacy. I'm sure as eggs that you will move on to better things.

Tal45 · 31/01/2022 08:33

He's a complete CF and you're way too good for him. Sounds like narc tendencies to me - expecting you to be perfect or you're not good enough while thinking he's amazing despite really not being.

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 08:36

Eugh/ Men.

I'd say ''yes I know this feeling. I feel the same''.

I wouldn't want intimacy with somebody who thought it was ok to ignore his own aging body while he judged mine. That is a turn off.

Coronawireless · 31/01/2022 08:47

@PinkSyCo

He loves you like a friend/the dog/his favourite pair of comfy slippers but you don’t make his pulse race or his heart flutter anymore.
Is this so bad if the marriage is good in other ways? How many people feel their heart race beyond the first couple of years? I mean, I’m sure a few do but I’ll bet many don’t. Doesn’t mean you have to split up unless sex is very important to one or both. Sometimes forcing a conversation can lead to a break-up which needn’t have happened otherwise if you were both trundling along contentedly. However sex may be very important to you OP, and he seems to have told you he may not feel that way any more. So - is there a mismatch in what you both expect going forward or can you resolve this? What other positives are in the relationship for both of you?
Coronawireless · 31/01/2022 08:48

Oops sorry I missed an update above about a previous OW. That’s very different I think sadly.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2022 08:57

@Coronawireless

Oops sorry I missed an update above about a previous OW. That’s very different I think sadly.
From the op? I don’t think there was one, unless I’ve missed a name change.
UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 08:57

@MsDogLady

Peaceful, your H has a history of cheating and appears to once again be in wayward mode.

Last month you wrote that he had an affair 5 years ago and wanted to be with OW. You and the children moved out and went through hell. 18 months later he wanted to reunite, and you agreed. Things were tricky for a while, and one night you went nuclear on him. He claimed to finally understand the damage he’d done, and things changed for the better.

You said that H respects you now and “he knows he is lucky to have a second chance.” I’m very sorry, but his declaring ILYBNILWY suggests that you’ve been in false reconciliation or that he has once again disengaged and is choosing infidelity. Flowers

If doglady is right then he doesn't deserve any sort of your love. Not the respect and affection kind of love, or the romantic kind of love.

I feel bad for you knowing that you dressed up and looked good and felt good, and with the second chance he was supposedly grateful for, took you down a peg and told you that he's not in love with you.

This is NO reflection on you. This is all about him.

Don't let it seep in to your self-worth any more than it inevitably has done. How could it not.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 31/01/2022 09:42

Sometimes people just fall out of love

Sorry, however I’m calling bull on this. We are not passive little snowflakes who’s minds are ever at whim to the elements. Anyone who’s feelings towards people are so random as to be changed as if by a shift of the breeze, should stay the hell away from relationships IMO. How on Earth could you trust anyone who might wake up one day and say “ooh, sorry gone off you let’s divorce kthnxbye”.? What’s to stop them from randomly calling for you again come lunchtime? Human relationships would be chaos.

There is usually a reason. Or reasons. They may be to do with the partner or be completely unrelated - e.g mental health issues with the person or stressful life events. But there is a cause.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 31/01/2022 09:43

randomly falling* for you come lunchtime

Honeyroar · 31/01/2022 09:50

It’s what they think is a kind way of saying they want out. Which, if they’re saying it before getting involved with someone else, is probably fair enough. Not all relationships last forever.

ravenmum · 31/01/2022 10:03

What it often means is that they have recently been reminded of what it's like to be in love with someone, in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, and they are so excited about it that they have forgotten a) that's how they once felt about you and b) that one day it won't feel as intense with the new woman either.

It also means that deep down, they know they are not being very kind to you, so they say something that sounds vaguely nice, about loving you, so that they don't sound totally heartless and mean.

Graphista · 31/01/2022 10:32

Posters are told all the time they don't anyone a relationship. That you can call time for any reason.

But most posters are women, and in general men (this is from life experience not just mn) tend to rarely leave a live in relationship unless they have another relationship to jump to - a cliche perhaps but generally tends to be true.

And here they think they are so bloody clever, but they all do and act in the same fkn way.

Yep it's shockingly predictable and depressing.

I wasn't on mn back when ex and I split (I think it had barely started back then?) but since being on it I can see now ex followed the script to the letter!

What's weird is he wasn't the type to be on forums or even have close friendships with other men in real life - so how the hell do they learn to do this?!

If @MsDogLady is right about the history then it does seem fairly certain he's either cheating again or never stopped the last affair

Millions of other women have done it, and there's NO reason you can't do it too ! Thanks

Abso bloody lutely!

There is usually a reason. Or reasons. They may be to do with the partner or be completely unrelated - e.g mental health issues with the person or stressful life events. But there is a cause.

Agree with this

OddsNSodsBitsNBobs · 31/01/2022 10:40

A PP found a previous post written by OP with details of past cheating/leaving/returning

TatianaBis · 31/01/2022 10:42

It means he doesn’t love you but is too cowardly to say so or it’s in his interest to keep you on hanging on.

Please get some dignity and dump this tosser.

ravenmum · 31/01/2022 11:38

What's weird is he wasn't the type to be on forums or even have close friendships with other men in real life - so how the hell do they learn to do this?!
If they were sharing tips, they wouldn't follow an easily recognisable script! They are just all humans, doing what humans do when they fancy an affair, and not as clever as they feel.