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Original poster

Power of attorney for MIL

66 replies

FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:05

Not a legal question but a relationship question.

DH has been sorting out power of attorney for his DM. Finally this week he met up with her and her friend who witnessed it. MIL has early onset dementia but lives alone and is pretty reliant on DH. For example he came back from this meeting with 2 things to do for her (investigate a fine she has received a letter about and a hospital appointment she chose to miss).

I asked if everything was sorted and he says yes. We just have to sign it. We? I asked. Why do I have to sign it? And that's when I find out he's written me down as the substitute power of attorney if he dies before her. How would you feel about this being sprung on you? How would you proceed?

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 29/01/2022 19:07

I think it’s reasonable for him to want to make sure his mother is as protected as possible and her dementia advances, she won’t be able to agree to a POA and it will be so much more difficult.

Presumably you have a good relationship with her and her best interests at heart? If so, perhaps he just assumed you would do this for him and for her.

I would have appreciated being asked but would also have understood the reasoning and intent behind it and been happy to agree.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:10

It's partly the assumption and partly that I think there are other people more suitable than me e.g. those that have known her longer like friends or her sister.

Also I've tried to help MIL in the past (by her request) in areas where I have expertise and it's never gone well. She invariably ignores me and I don't particularly enjoy wasting my time.

OP posts:
MysterOfWomanY · 29/01/2022 19:14

@FurbleSocks

It's partly the assumption and partly that I think there are other people more suitable than me e.g. those that have known her longer like friends or her sister.

Also I've tried to help MIL in the past (by her request) in areas where I have expertise and it's never gone well. She invariably ignores me and I don't particularly enjoy wasting my time.

That's important OP. I have POA for 4 older relatives but I get on reasonably well with all of them! Have a think and don't be afraid to say no - having a reluctant or unmotivated attorney isn't in your MiL's interest, after all.
SunbathingDragon · 29/01/2022 19:15

It’s quite possible that those who know her better or longer don’t want to or she doesn’t want them to. There are a lot of people who have known me a long time that I would never give POA to. I expect your DH knows and trusts you better than these other people and that’s why you are on there.

The reality is that you are unlikely to ever need to use it because your DH will. However, if not, your MIL’s dementia will mean that she’s likely to be uncooperative no matter what before too long because inevitably that’s the sad truth of dementia.

As before, I do think he should have said so first and even if you sign and agree now, you can change your mind if anything does happen to him. Getting a deputyship though is difficult and unlikely to happen between the time she deteriorates so much she can’t give POA consent and dies.

blyn72 · 29/01/2022 19:17

I don't think it is unreasonable, you are his wife after all but the fact that he omitted to discuss it with you beforehand was an annoying oversight.

Hopefully nothing will happen to your husband while mother in law is still alive.

From what I have heard, having power of attorney is not that arduous, please don't worry about it.

SunbathingDragon · 29/01/2022 19:18

Just to add that really I think you are being ask to sign it for your DH’s peace of mind and reassurance that his DM will be looked after if something happens, rather than because you have the best or most appropriate relationship with her. Sometimes as well being close to someone can stop you making decisions in their best interest.

kitkatsky · 29/01/2022 19:18

I think he should've asked, but also who should he actually trust to act on his behalf if he died rather than you?

eenymeenymineymo · 29/01/2022 19:21

OK, so what is your own relationship with your MIL like? It could become quite a responsibility if your DH's Mum's health deteriorates & your DH has died too. Are you close to her that you could offer & receive mutual support if that was to happen - DH dying?

Are there any other siblings of your DH or does your MIL have any siblings still alive?
I think that any other DH siblings should be a POA before spouses

Lots of questions to consider here ... & it may be wise for you to talk with someone independently to be sure that you're not landed with (just say) 20 or more years of elder care & additional expenses.

Are your own parents still alive too. Consider that you may also be caring & finding time for 3 older parents in a hypothetical scenario of them all being unwell.

Some of the other topics on MN discuss issues around older parents & relatives needing more time & sorting out stuff often as our own children get to their teenage years or at new jobs. So you could well feel that you're being pulled in different directions.

Good luck Flowers

Skeumorph · 29/01/2022 19:21

I would not be at all impressed that my husband thought that he could speak for me on something so important, and not even consult me.

There would be no signing anything until I’d had a proper discussion. And quite possibly no signing at all as I’d be pretty angry about that lack of respect. You don’t get to not discuss a huge responsibility with me then ask me to sign up to it.

WineThenMisletoe · 29/01/2022 19:21

We (me and DH) have poa for my parents. My DH agreed to financial poa but declined the health poa as he felt that it was not his place to have say over health decisions. This was 'sprung' on him in the solicitors office whilst we were all sitting there. I did not expect it but everyone understood his decision.

You can say no just like my DH did if it makes you feel uncomfortable

WineThenMisletoe · 29/01/2022 19:23

When I say I did not expect it I meant that I did not expect the solicitor to try to tie everything up in one meeting rather than did not expect my DH to say no.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:23

She has life long friends and a younger sister who I feel he should have asked first. He gave reasons as to why he thought they would say no (e.g. sister lives in next county) but he doesn't know because he didn't ask them.

I put it to him that I would be a grieving widow with 2 young children and I would then be expected to take on his mother. If the deputy role comes into play it will be while I'm experiencing the absolute worst thing I could possibly imagine happening to me (losing DH) and I don't feel that's something I should be expected to take on under those circumstances.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 29/01/2022 19:25

And yes, all sorts of financial and emotional implications, what about likely caring responsibilities with your own parents, different relationship with Mil than her son has… so much to think about. Your should NEVER sign up to something like that thinking ‘but it’ll never happen’.

If you think there are other people closer to her then yes, they’re possibly a better option. I would be seriously unimpressed at your DH’s notion that he gets to decide this with you as the adjunct!

Skeumorph · 29/01/2022 19:30

That’s a good point OP. For this to come to pass would mean that at that point in time, you’d possibly be the least suitable or able to take on the responsibility - you’d be grieving, suddenly solely responsible for your children, and have a huge number of other issues suddenly upon you - finances, work, your entire life would have changed. Even an older or less suitable (on paper) relative would at that point be MUCH more able to give time and thought to MIL care

SunbathingDragon · 29/01/2022 19:34

@eenymeenymineymo

OK, so what is your own relationship with your MIL like? It could become quite a responsibility if your DH's Mum's health deteriorates & your DH has died too. Are you close to her that you could offer & receive mutual support if that was to happen - DH dying?

Are there any other siblings of your DH or does your MIL have any siblings still alive?
I think that any other DH siblings should be a POA before spouses

Lots of questions to consider here ... & it may be wise for you to talk with someone independently to be sure that you're not landed with (just say) 20 or more years of elder care & additional expenses.

Are your own parents still alive too. Consider that you may also be caring & finding time for 3 older parents in a hypothetical scenario of them all being unwell.

Some of the other topics on MN discuss issues around older parents & relatives needing more time & sorting out stuff often as our own children get to their teenage years or at new jobs. So you could well feel that you're being pulled in different directions.

Good luck Flowers

The OP’s MIL has dementia. Her life expectancy is nowhere near 20 years and POA does not mean the OP will be paying for anything themselves or being forced to care. It just allows to make decisions, either medical or financial (or both).
SunbathingDragon · 29/01/2022 19:35

@FurbleSocks

She has life long friends and a younger sister who I feel he should have asked first. He gave reasons as to why he thought they would say no (e.g. sister lives in next county) but he doesn't know because he didn't ask them.

I put it to him that I would be a grieving widow with 2 young children and I would then be expected to take on his mother. If the deputy role comes into play it will be while I'm experiencing the absolute worst thing I could possibly imagine happening to me (losing DH) and I don't feel that's something I should be expected to take on under those circumstances.

I understand where you are coming from but life long friends and a sibling are a lot more likely to die (or lose capability) before your DH does. You are the logical choice in a generation below your MIL.
Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:39

@eenymeenymineymo

OK, so what is your own relationship with your MIL like? It could become quite a responsibility if your DH's Mum's health deteriorates & your DH has died too. Are you close to her that you could offer & receive mutual support if that was to happen - DH dying?

Are there any other siblings of your DH or does your MIL have any siblings still alive?
I think that any other DH siblings should be a POA before spouses

Lots of questions to consider here ... & it may be wise for you to talk with someone independently to be sure that you're not landed with (just say) 20 or more years of elder care & additional expenses.

Are your own parents still alive too. Consider that you may also be caring & finding time for 3 older parents in a hypothetical scenario of them all being unwell.

Some of the other topics on MN discuss issues around older parents & relatives needing more time & sorting out stuff often as our own children get to their teenage years or at new jobs. So you could well feel that you're being pulled in different directions.

Good luck Flowers

It's OK but very superficial. She isn't a deep woman (that isn't meant perjoratively; it is simply who she is) so she doesn't really go into depth in conversations. We got closer when her DH left her (DH's DF) because I listened to her and she was absolutely the wronged party. I would be comfortable grieving with her if DH died but it's the day to day leaning on him she does since his DF left. She's a woman who never had to worry about bills etc because her ex did that so I fully understand how overwhelming that is aged 75 and having to deal with it. Hence I offered to help (I do our household bills). But she just ended up ignoring my suggestions e.g. phone the energy company and give them her permission to deal with it. She honestly said she didn't have the time to wait on hold for them (for context this was April 2020 when she literally had nowhere to go and nothing to do due to lockdown. And she has never worked so no job to take up her time. I was working to a deadline set pre Covid and had to homeschool 2 DC. She also expected me to hand scan a 20 page document because she 'couldn't be bothered' to find her copy in her 1 bed flat - i.e. not the biggest search area. All pre dementia diagnosis). So whilst I do have a familiar relationship with her I don't have a great track record with her listening to my help.

There are no siblings. DH is an only child. MIL has 2 younger sisters but 1 is a liability and definitely not suitable.

Both my parents are alive and live in the next county although I do have siblings to share that load with should it come to it.

I just feel someone who is used to MILs ways and knows how she ticks would be better than me with a completely different outlook on life (independent, organised, improver).

The biggest issue is if I say no (given the friend and MIL have been told by DH that I'm the deputy) that would sour the relationship we have now whilst she's still alive. So I feel trapped and like I can't win!

OP posts:
rwalker · 29/01/2022 19:45

I'd be quite disappointed with my DW if should wouldn't do this for me it's about family .
And if the boot was on the other foot Wouldn't think twice and TBH my relationship with my in laws sounds similar to yours

VeganCow · 29/01/2022 19:45

It wouldn't bother me. He should have asked first though!

Sorry to interrupt your thread but I want to set up POA for a relative who has asked me to. Can you tell me how easy a process it is and is ok to do it yourself without a solicitor?

cptartapp · 29/01/2022 19:45

No I wouldn't be impressed either and don't think I'd agree tbh. More her sister's responsibility. Having POA can be a nightmare and your DC would be your priority anyway if widowed. Having to deal with a MIL with dementia is an ask too far.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:48

@rwalker

I'd be quite disappointed with my DW if should wouldn't do this for me it's about family . And if the boot was on the other foot Wouldn't think twice and TBH my relationship with my in laws sounds similar to yours
Her sister is family and much less likely to be grieving my DH's death than me.
OP posts:
Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:50

@VeganCow

It wouldn't bother me. He should have asked first though!

Sorry to interrupt your thread but I want to set up POA for a relative who has asked me to. Can you tell me how easy a process it is and is ok to do it yourself without a solicitor?

DH has managed to do it without a solicitor. There's talk of the independent witness needing legal advice to be able to advise the (MIL in my case) whether they should hand over POA to the (DH/MILs son) but in our case it was obvious DH should be POA for MIL so no solicitor was necessary.
OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/01/2022 19:54

Im doing one for my mum with a solicitor. She strongly suggested having a reserve.
Me and my sister can act together or alone. My husband is down as back up. I did ask him though.

ajandjjmum · 29/01/2022 19:56

@VeganCow There was a mumsnetter who did this for us - Marlow Wills - she was excellent. Worth a call.

Lockdownbear · 29/01/2022 20:10

I understand where you are coming from but life long friends and a sibling are a lot more likely to die (or lose capability) before your DH does. You are the logical choice in a generation below your MIL.

My thoughts exactly, your the logical choice. Who knows how able her own generation will be in 10 years. Also you / your children are likely to be the benifiaries of whatever she leaves in her will.
If someone, siblings or friend, with no vested interest were to do it they might not be that vigilant about checking she has the best utility deals etc. Or the care she receives.