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Original poster

Power of attorney for MIL

66 replies

FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 19:05

Not a legal question but a relationship question.

DH has been sorting out power of attorney for his DM. Finally this week he met up with her and her friend who witnessed it. MIL has early onset dementia but lives alone and is pretty reliant on DH. For example he came back from this meeting with 2 things to do for her (investigate a fine she has received a letter about and a hospital appointment she chose to miss).

I asked if everything was sorted and he says yes. We just have to sign it. We? I asked. Why do I have to sign it? And that's when I find out he's written me down as the substitute power of attorney if he dies before her. How would you feel about this being sprung on you? How would you proceed?

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 29/01/2022 20:25

BTW if she has a dementia diagnosis now you can probably assume it was working on her 2 years ago at the start of covid.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 21:14

@Lockdownbear

BTW if she has a dementia diagnosis now you can probably assume it was working on her 2 years ago at the start of covid.
The thing is she's been like this since I met DH 20 years ago. If she has a problem she just gets someone else to solve it. She has a relationship with a local garage who obviously do all her MOT and servicing. Recently found out (DH now has oversight of her finances) she has been paying them to fill her up with petrol all this time. She just pays people to do her bidding for her. So she definitely needs someone to have oversight over her finances but she also has a way of getting people to do stuff for her because she can't be bothered herself/ to learn. I could give lots of examples over the years when she could have done something herself but told us who she got to do it for her (deleted the WhatsApp icon so DH tried to talk her through where to find it. She refused to even look for it and went to the phone shop and got someone in there to find it and put it back). It's not unusual for her to tell us about people she's got to do stuff for her (local independent shop gives her cash for a cheque because she can't be bothered to learn how to use an ATM). You can see from these examples she gets a lot of people to do a lot of things for her. It's now becoming DH's 'job' to do her bidding for her. And the dementia is increasing the demands but they were there before, she had the nous to just spread them around more.
OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 29/01/2022 21:18

How on earth could the shop cash cheques for her?

If she has dementia is that not notifiable to the DVLA?
It's not that long ago I came across a FB post has anyone seen this car, my father with dementia has parked it somewhere and we can't find it. - wtf.

I get you don't want to do this should the worse happen but really you are the most logical person to do it.

Lockdownbear · 29/01/2022 21:19

Are you sure she hasn't forgotten how to use an ATM?

ChickenStripper · 29/01/2022 21:23

@FurbleSocks

Not a legal question but a relationship question.

DH has been sorting out power of attorney for his DM. Finally this week he met up with her and her friend who witnessed it. MIL has early onset dementia but lives alone and is pretty reliant on DH. For example he came back from this meeting with 2 things to do for her (investigate a fine she has received a letter about and a hospital appointment she chose to miss).

I asked if everything was sorted and he says yes. We just have to sign it. We? I asked. Why do I have to sign it? And that's when I find out he's written me down as the substitute power of attorney if he dies before her. How would you feel about this being sprung on you? How would you proceed?

This cannot be the case as the POA has to be legally registered to finalise it ( can take a long time) AND as anyone named on it you would previously have had to sign the forms and would have received official notification of this.
ChickenStripper · 29/01/2022 21:24

I mean that this document does not exist as yet.

PermanentTemporary · 29/01/2022 21:26

But 'everything is sorted' could just mean it's ready to send off to the Information Commissioner's office.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 29/01/2022 21:27

@ChickenStripper

I mean that this document does not exist as yet.
It's sitting on my table ready for me to sign. I get it needs to be legally registered but from a 'sorted' perspective (DH going round the houses trying to get it sorted. Covid/ witnesses etc) it's sorted bar me signing it.
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 29/01/2022 21:39

My honest view is that you seem to have a strong understanding of how she thinks. As an attorney for her that's a really good qualification. I would not be delighted that my dh had signed me up without my permission but I think I'd go along. Worst case scenario you can always apply to be removed as an attorney.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 29/01/2022 21:47

It’s highly unlikely given the situation that you’d ever have to act in that capacity OP. The balance of probability is that she’ll die before your DH.

But if you feel that strongly, say no

Abricot1993 · 29/01/2022 21:58

he trusts you which is wonderful

ChristmasPlanning · 30/01/2022 00:00

He should have discussed it with you and asked you

Lockdownbear · 30/01/2022 00:17

I've just got what you mean about the cheques. The equivalent of the debt card cash back supermarkets used to do!

Definitely sounds like she's going to need a bit of support to check she isn't being robbed. I knew one dementia suffered who was handing her purse over in shops as she'd lost the ability to count cash.

Does DH have a cousin who'd be willing to do it if you don't want to, should the unfortunate need arise?

No point in asking her own generation/ people in their 70s to do it as there's no guarantee that they'd be fit to do it in 5-10 years time.

layladomino · 30/01/2022 09:07

He shouldn't have assumed, I agree with you there. I hope he now realises that.

I think I would go along with it, having made DH aware that he was out of order to not discuss something so important first. But I would also make him aware that if it came in to being, I wouldn't be running around the same as he is. Especially as I would have just lost my husband, be worrying about children who've lost their Dad, have a lot on my plate administratively as a result, and may have my own parents to worry about as well.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 30/01/2022 09:16

It's pretty obvious to me why he wouldn't think of asking someone who's around the same age as her, but I'd be very irritated not to have been asked first.

Recycledblonde · 30/01/2022 09:35

When we set up POA for FIL the main people are DH and his sister and the substitute one is a cousin's wife. We chose her because of the possibility of a decision needing to be made when both families were out of the country. It's unlikely to happen but was a belt and braces approach. An active substitute would be a good idea in your case OP, not in case of death but just in case your DH is not available to make immediately necessary decisions.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 30/01/2022 09:47

Unfortunately there are only 2 cousins from her capable sister. However over lockdown they basically abandoned the sister despite her living on the same road and the sister is now selling up and moving closer to her friends because her family has shown itself to her. I get on very well with the sister and would have been prepared to be co deputies with her. But that question was never asked.

The sister is a lot younger than MIL and 100% has her faculties. MIL sticks to known and trusted places even though it costs more (known broker for her insurance even though there's an admin fee).

I'm presuming if the worst did happen to DH I could appoint her a carer to do the day to day 'my dishwasher doesn't work' (she hadn't pressed the on button and didn't read the manual on top which the old owners had left). And I would just be needed for the financial stuff. She has the cash (although doesn't have a clue how to spend it wisely but that's not dementia that's being pampered her whole life) so if it's too much for me I guess that's the solution.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 30/01/2022 09:55

I don't mean to be horrible but with my limited experience of dementia she's likely to need 24hr care within the next 3-4 years.

So they'll be some care needed in the run up to hitting the point where she moves into a home and a bit of help needed sorting out her house.

Once she's in a care home the POA role becomes ensuring that she has enough easy to wash clothes.

I think your over thinking this a bit. Yes he should have asked you but doesn't seem like he had many options.

Sally872 · 30/01/2022 10:01

Power of attorney means you have the ability to make some decisions for her it doesn't mean you become het for all the running around sister's could still help with practicalities just need your sign off for certain decisions.

Also it is a back up plan. I would be more concerned with supporting my dh now than worrying about how I would cope if he died and I also had POA for mil.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 30/01/2022 10:36

@Sally872

Power of attorney means you have the ability to make some decisions for her it doesn't mean you become het for all the running around sister's could still help with practicalities just need your sign off for certain decisions.

Also it is a back up plan. I would be more concerned with supporting my dh now than worrying about how I would cope if he died and I also had POA for mil.

Legally perhaps but I do know my MIL and I do know this will be the role she expects me to fill. And when her friends find out I have the POA they will be phoning me rather than DH now telling him/me what a bad son/DIL he is/I am for not e.g. not driving over after work to fill out a form for her (a form which if she felt like it could have been completed herself).
OP posts:
Sally872 · 30/01/2022 10:43

Won't mil have these unreasonable expectations of you regardless of the paperwork?

If it comes to it you set the boundaries needed then. You give anyone complaining to you jobs to do or you ignore them. I would hope they would be a bit gentle with you as recently widowed.

Lockdownbear · 30/01/2022 10:43

You don't need to deal with her nasty friends, it's none of their business how you deal with stuff.

Very quickly point out that dementia patients are loosing their memories and may not remember timescales.
But they will remember whats important to them. I wish I had a pound for every time my granny asked when my wedding was. She'd zask multiple times per hour.

Original poster
FurbleSocks · 30/01/2022 11:14

It's more that if someone else had POA then the running around could be expected of them not me. I agree her friends have been unnecessarily nasty to DH (and probably why subconsciously he didn't ask them to be the deputy) but it must be MIL feeding them the ammunition. They appear to have her ear and are voicing her requests. Some of the requests would have been better fulfilled by them as friends rather than him anyway. She chose to move further away from us to be closer to her friends and now he has to drive a long way to help her. Whereas her friends are in the same town. But then he has to 'pop' in to do little things that someone living round the corner could easily do. She even asked him to come and clean her washing machine as she had mould on the seal! He did laugh at that and said she could do it herself.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 30/01/2022 11:16

Just wait for the day she forgets how to use a phone.

ChickenStripper · 30/01/2022 11:38

@ChristmasPlanning

He should have discussed it with you and asked you
Definitely.
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