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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé won’t set a date…

69 replies

Balletslipper · 28/01/2022 22:51

Hi ladies

Fiancé and I have been together for five years and engaged for two years. Thanks to covid and immediate family living all over the world and unable to travel, we have had multiple reasons to hold off on planning our wedding. After some discussion we decided we would finally have something small in 2023.

I struggled to get him to respond to any ideas I had though and he said he would prefer it if it were just the two of us - an elopement.

I agreed and suggested some new options to discuss instead. Today I put out the idea of a February 2023 wedding and fiance told me that was “too soon”.Sad Three years after we got engaged and he’s saying it’s *too soon.

I have heard similar excuses over the past two years e.g. November is “too cold”, July “too expensive”, he doesn’t want too many people.

I am content to compromise on a lot of things but at this point I feel like he’s dragging his feet and that the excuses will keep coming until I’m worn down into giving up on the idea.

Does anyone relate? Advice welcome Sad

OP posts:
roo8 · 28/01/2022 23:02

Hi, me and my partner have been together for 14 years engaged for 5, still no sign on setting a date, we have 3 children and life just gets busy and we don't even talk about a wedding, we say we will do it eventually but don't know when 🤷🏼‍♀️. In your situation I would ask him straight what he wants, or maybe you take the reigns and set a date and start planning. I think some men just can't be bothered with all of the planning, mine certainly doesn't. I apologise if this doesn't help but hope it does.

TipperHendry · 28/01/2022 23:05

He doesn’t want to get married. He might do it if you twist his arm but he won’t do it without.

2holibobssofar · 28/01/2022 23:06

I would think whether you’re really engaged if he won’t set a date. It only has meaning if you’re both planning to marry.
Put this to him and see if he will agree on a date. If not, gently hand the ring back and explain you would like it back if he’ll set a date.
Then you’ll know if he wants to marry you or not.

Tibtab · 28/01/2022 23:06

If he wants to elope just book the next available date at the Register Office and see what he says.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/01/2022 23:07

He doesn't want to marry you op. Sorry.

MadMadMadamMim · 28/01/2022 23:09

I'd tell him bluntly to set the date or I'll hand the ring back and end the relationship.

He's pissed about long enough. Either you're getting married or you're calling it a day.

Weenurse · 28/01/2022 23:11

I would ask him if he wants to be involved in the planning, or would just prefer you get on with it and tell him when and where to turn up?

Viviennemary · 28/01/2022 23:13

He is stringing you along. He wont be pinned down. He doesn't want to get married..
How old are you.

Onthefloor2 · 28/01/2022 23:14

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Do you have kids? If not no children until you are married would be best if you are planning on being a stay at home parent.

Original poster
Balletslipper · 28/01/2022 23:26

Thanks for your input so far everyone. I’m 30, he is a little older, and we don’t have children. I don’t want to waste my best years so I feel at a real crossroads with this.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 28/01/2022 23:30

It’s sounding like he doesn’t want to get married.

Have you asked him why he seems to be bringing up barriers to getting married? If not I’d be tempted to just ask him directly.

Is there a possibility he’s worried about money or being the centre of attention or something similar?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2022 23:33

Are you worried about asking him if he really actually does want to marry you because you’re afraid of what he’ll say?

If you’re going to get married you have to be able to talk about these things. If he’ll fob you off about this what else will he decide he’s in charge of?

How was he about getting engaged? Has your relationship been better or worse since you did it?

Handing the ring back till he agrees to set a date is one idea but it leaves you very passive and affirms that he’s the boss of you and your future.

Another is you pick a date in a month he hasn’t yet said no to and if he won’t agree to that then just call it a day.

But you deserve to be with someone who can’t wait to whisk you down the aisle and commit himself to you for life. It feels wonderful and you should have that, be with someone who shares your dreams. It must suck to feel he’s so reluctant and full of excuses.

PainterMummy · 28/01/2022 23:37

I’m very sorry op but I agree with the others. It does not sound like he wants to get married. Happy to carry on as is. So you’ll need to decide if you’re happy with this or not and if you want children with him if he does not want to commit to you. Frankly Whatever you do, don’t have kids with him

Original poster
Balletslipper · 28/01/2022 23:43

I have tried to have conversations about his hesitations and he has been distinctly uncommunicative and unable to articulate what the issue is. For example, when I’ve asked him why a winter wedding is an issue he has said “because of the variables”

I’ve been more direct about why marriage is important to me and asked him point blank if I’m wasting my time and he doesn’t want to ever marry me. He says he’s not wasting my time and he does want to marry me…but his actions say otherwise and I’m getting very worn down.

I agree, I do feel very passive and feel I have made a lot of concessions already. The final concession would be to forget about marriage completely and stick with him anyway. But that’s a bad precedent I don’t want to set.

I think I will need to have another conversation obviously but there needs to be some finality as I can’t keep going like this.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/01/2022 23:44

Believe in what he does more than what he says.
He does not want to get married to you.
He gave you the engagement ring the way a mother gives a dummy to a baby -- to shut them up.
Give back the ring and tell him you want to be married, not engaged.
Then start sorting out your finances and a place to stay. Maybe look for a new job in another town -- what he does then will show you who he really is.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/01/2022 23:47

Sorry OP but he is wasting your time. Too soon??!!

He doesn’t want to marry you. End it now and get on with your life. Find someone who is excited to marry you and is cubit g down the days.

FrenchBoule · 28/01/2022 23:47

What the others said.
I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to get married to you.

You set the date for 2023 so you will be 31.
Ask him outright which month he wants to get married and if there’s no clear response just end it.

I’m really sorry but he can father children any time, women don’t have such choice.

Any loving partner would jump at the chance.

Think about yourself and don’t waste any more time.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/01/2022 23:47

Counting. Not cubit g. What even is that!!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/01/2022 23:48

FlowersFlowersFlowers
you poor thing - I would NOT be happy with this.
When I got engaged (at Xmas) my DH didn’t want to set a date as it was “too soon” and we agreed to set a date after our engagement party (mid Feb). We did discuss it after the party and set a sept date in the same year and got married then.

3 years is bonkers and the “ too soon” chat would be a huge red flag for me.
He does not want to get married and you do not want to talk him into it (it never ends well)

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/01/2022 23:50

Forgot to say on the main reasons we went from engaged to married in under a year is my DH (& I) couldn’t wait to lock it in…

autienotnaughty · 28/01/2022 23:50

I think you need to ask. "Do you want to get married? If he says yes then ask him to give a suitable date range.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2022 23:56

I feel for you. If it’s a deal breaker, would be for me and sounds like it is for you, then have the difficult conversation and follow through.

MsMcGonagall · 28/01/2022 23:58

We got married 7 months after we got engaged, because we wanted to be married (not hang around in an engaged state) and we wanted to be married because we wanted kids... and I was 31...

So you could be married THIS year OP, but only if you actually think he really wants to get married and he really wants to have kids. Time for a proper conversation.

Or, be like someone else I know who hung around forever engaged, for years, waiting for just the right time to arrange a wedding, finally after years did get married, lovely wedding but... many years of their 30s had passed. Are now really struggling to conceive, a heart-breaking place to be.

pheonixrebirth · 29/01/2022 00:01

Don't let him dictate, this is your life too.
Don't beg him, just let it know that if he won't marry you, your off to find someone who wants the same as you and is as happy as you to get married!
Know your worth and don't settle for less than.

LightSpeeds · 29/01/2022 00:05

He doesn't want to get married but doesn't want to admit it just in case you end the relationship...

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