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Original poster

Fiancé won’t set a date…

69 replies

Balletslipper · 28/01/2022 22:51

Hi ladies

Fiancé and I have been together for five years and engaged for two years. Thanks to covid and immediate family living all over the world and unable to travel, we have had multiple reasons to hold off on planning our wedding. After some discussion we decided we would finally have something small in 2023.

I struggled to get him to respond to any ideas I had though and he said he would prefer it if it were just the two of us - an elopement.

I agreed and suggested some new options to discuss instead. Today I put out the idea of a February 2023 wedding and fiance told me that was “too soon”.Sad Three years after we got engaged and he’s saying it’s *too soon.

I have heard similar excuses over the past two years e.g. November is “too cold”, July “too expensive”, he doesn’t want too many people.

I am content to compromise on a lot of things but at this point I feel like he’s dragging his feet and that the excuses will keep coming until I’m worn down into giving up on the idea.

Does anyone relate? Advice welcome Sad

OP posts:
PainterMummy · 29/01/2022 10:32

Op - don’t confuse getting married with having a wedding either. You don’t NEED to spend thousands upon thousands and have huge event. You can be married with no celebration, have a grand event or anything and everything in between so please don’t be fobbed off about expense. If you want to be married, there’s no excuse not just do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2022 10:39

If a man wants to get married hell and highwater won't stop him.

He does not want to get married, or more to the point sadly get married to you. He seems happy enough as he is and his talk is cheap, its actions that count after all.

Show him the meaning of loss of you; be someone's priority rather than an option here. Don't let him dictate your future here because its your life too.

AgentJohnson · 29/01/2022 11:17

Tak the marriage blinkers off for a minute and take a step back. Do you really want to marry someone who’s content on stringing you along? This isn’t about a day, this is about the rest of your life, don’t waste it on someone who isn’t mature enough to say what he means or means what he says.

Stalling isn’t a tactic that will be limited to setting date, given it’s success to date, it will be employed in other situations where he isn’t mature enough to be honest.

FlowerArranger · 29/01/2022 11:23

@AgentJohnson

Tak the marriage blinkers off for a minute and take a step back. Do you really want to marry someone who’s content on stringing you along? This isn’t about a day, this is about the rest of your life, don’t waste it on someone who isn’t mature enough to say what he means or means what he says.

Stalling isn’t a tactic that will be limited to setting date, given it’s success to date, it will be employed in other situations where he isn’t mature enough to be honest.

Just what I was going to say. And remember to “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
RoseSays · 29/01/2022 17:11

I don't know if you're still reading this op, but if you are, here's my tuppence worth.

My first thought is, do you actually love him? Like really really love him?
Does he love you? Really really love you?

I just don't think you both do, he knows you want to get married and yet he doesn't want to. The excuses he gives you are frankly pathetic - he can't even be bothered to come up with realistic excuses.
I think if you really loved him you couldn't take this rejection and his ridiculous barriers he's coming up with - it would be too painful.

You are 30 that is so young, honestly it's time to move on, find real love and start a family (with children if that's what you want).
You are just treading water with this guy, and so is he - it's a waste.

1Micem0use · 29/01/2022 17:14

Sell the ring and have a little mini break on the proceeds. Leave the relationship. If he really wants to marry you he can propose again with a new ring and set a date.

LivBa · 29/01/2022 19:20

@Balletslipper He either never wanted to commit to you or the covid period has changed his mind about marrying you i.e. having to spend much more time together than normal without other distractions may have revealed things about you and/or the relationship that has made him see you/life with you in a different light. Not necessarily anything you've done "wrong" per se, it could just be a compatibility issue.

You won't see it this way now but this is actually a GOOD thing. Much better to find this out now than after marriage. He's being a coward stringing you along but you're enabling it by continuing to give him all the benefits of a relationship despite him stalling. He's not staying for you, he's staying for the things he gets from you i.e. convenient sex, emotional support, cleaning, household tasks done. Move straight out of the house and stop facilitating him. He doesn't deserve you and you need to stop allowing yourself to be used.

LivBa · 29/01/2022 19:27

@Honeydish

Men, they're all the same! Forget about the comments 'you deserve someone who can't wait to whisk you down the aisle'. I don't know ANY men like that, including my husband! He would have been happy to continue as we were forever. After we got engaged, he wanted a long engagement whereas I didn't want to wait for longer than a year. Eventually I texted him a few dates and asked him which he'd like. Try this and see what he does. If he makes another excuse ask him to leave and tell him as he won't commit you think you should see other people. Follow through on this. He'll be back! Don't worry about the comments 'it won't end well if he feels pushed into it'. I know a very happily married couple who got engaged after she gave him an ultimatum....most men need a fire lit under them! Sometimes it's only if they are on the brink of losing the relationship that they will get their act together. You sound lovely and everything is going to work out for you.
@Honeydish what on earth?! Shock

If this is a real post I feel truly sad you've never known a man (including your own husband!! Confused) who was excited about marrying the woman who's supposed to be the love of their lives. Why would you even want to marry a man who had to be coaxed into marriage. Men who truly love the woman they're with and truly value her, are excited by marriage and wanting to commit legally in front of others that this is the person they want to be with for the rest of their lives.

OP PLEASE do not be like this poster. You deserve a man who sees you as his one and only, not as a 'good enough for now' option.

IrishKatie1971 · 29/01/2022 21:37

I have a friend who got engaged in 2012... still no sign of a wedding. Both sets of parents actually rib them on Facebook about it. Or they were pre-pandemic. I know he has a super well paid, super hectic job where he has to travel a lot and she used to excuse the lack of a set date as that. But it's a loooooooooooooong engagement. I would say he didn't want anyone else to snag her but didn't want the full-on commitment deep down either. He has money, he could have a lavish wedding if he wanted to, any kind of wedding..... I kind of feel sorry for her.

Honeydish · 30/01/2022 01:38

Your judging of other people's experiences says so much about you. I feel sad that you can't offer support to the poster without insulting someone else.

Honeydish · 30/01/2022 01:41

You don't even know me, how dare you say my husband doesn't truly love me or value me? Only someone who is deeply insecure feels the need to put someone down the way you have.

Cocogreen · 30/01/2022 01:47

Tell him you're booking a date at the registry office within the next 6 weeks.
Ask him if he has a preference for a day/ date.
Make a firm date with him.
If he won't, and being married is important to you, tell him you're done.

curmudgeonly007 · 30/01/2022 09:02

Sorry, don’t think he wants to be married

curmudgeonly007 · 30/01/2022 09:07

@1Micem0use

Sell the ring and have a little mini break on the proceeds. Leave the relationship. If he really wants to marry you he can propose again with a new ring and set a date.
Will have to be very short break as will only get about 25% of the value back!, but would a memorable way to end things!
StrongerOrWeaker · 30/01/2022 09:18

Agree with the rest.give him an ultimatum the walk away if it's a no

TheDuchessOfMN · 30/01/2022 10:42

He doesn’t want to get married. Since marriage is important to you, I wouldn’t waste another second on him.

LivBa · 30/01/2022 16:06

@Honeydish sorry but read what other posters also said about your post on the previous page of this thread. A man who wants truly loves and wants to commit and doesn't take the woman he's with for granted, simply doesn't behave like your now husband or the other men you describe. They just don't.

The fact you wrongly perceive my post to be putting you down is very telling when it's the exact opposite. Someone who is confident in their self worth would straightforwardly see that you and the OP deserve infinitely more than a man who is so ambivalent about you, when you're meant to be an equal partner in a relationship.

Being with a man who is takes initiative, is enthusiastic and excited about moving forward to share the rest of his life with you, vs. one who says all the right words to selfishly string you along but couldn't care less as long as you're giving him the benefits he wants, is like night and day. No one should have gutter low expectations of men.

ravenmum · 30/01/2022 16:16

when I’ve asked him why a winter wedding is an issue he has said “because of the variables
Such blatant piss-taking would infuriate me! So patronising.

ravenmum · 30/01/2022 16:29

Don't worry about the comments 'it won't end well if he feels pushed into it'.
I was with my exh for 20 years, and when we broke up, he claimed that he had never wanted to marry me in the first place, and that I had bullied him into doing it (not true at all, part of the Script). I felt bad enough at the mere accusation. Would have felt even more crap if it had been true.

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