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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé won’t set a date…

69 replies

Balletslipper · 28/01/2022 22:51

Hi ladies

Fiancé and I have been together for five years and engaged for two years. Thanks to covid and immediate family living all over the world and unable to travel, we have had multiple reasons to hold off on planning our wedding. After some discussion we decided we would finally have something small in 2023.

I struggled to get him to respond to any ideas I had though and he said he would prefer it if it were just the two of us - an elopement.

I agreed and suggested some new options to discuss instead. Today I put out the idea of a February 2023 wedding and fiance told me that was “too soon”.Sad Three years after we got engaged and he’s saying it’s *too soon.

I have heard similar excuses over the past two years e.g. November is “too cold”, July “too expensive”, he doesn’t want too many people.

I am content to compromise on a lot of things but at this point I feel like he’s dragging his feet and that the excuses will keep coming until I’m worn down into giving up on the idea.

Does anyone relate? Advice welcome Sad

OP posts:
Honeydish · 29/01/2022 00:08

Men, they're all the same! Forget about the comments 'you deserve someone who can't wait to whisk you down the aisle'. I don't know ANY men like that, including my husband! He would have been happy to continue as we were forever. After we got engaged, he wanted a long engagement whereas I didn't want to wait for longer than a year. Eventually I texted him a few dates and asked him which he'd like. Try this and see what he does. If he makes another excuse ask him to leave and tell him as he won't commit you think you should see other people. Follow through on this. He'll be back! Don't worry about the comments 'it won't end well if he feels pushed into it'. I know a very happily married couple who got engaged after she gave him an ultimatum....most men need a fire lit under them! Sometimes it's only if they are on the brink of losing the relationship that they will get their act together. You sound lovely and everything is going to work out for you.

Geppili · 29/01/2022 00:21

Has he a great deal of wealth?

Geppili · 29/01/2022 00:24

I have never known a man who likes to be coaxed into marriage. I would drop it. Give him back ring and leave. What he does will be revealing.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 29/01/2022 00:25

@Honeydish

Men, they're all the same! Forget about the comments 'you deserve someone who can't wait to whisk you down the aisle'. I don't know ANY men like that, including my husband! He would have been happy to continue as we were forever. After we got engaged, he wanted a long engagement whereas I didn't want to wait for longer than a year. Eventually I texted him a few dates and asked him which he'd like. Try this and see what he does. If he makes another excuse ask him to leave and tell him as he won't commit you think you should see other people. Follow through on this. He'll be back! Don't worry about the comments 'it won't end well if he feels pushed into it'. I know a very happily married couple who got engaged after she gave him an ultimatum....most men need a fire lit under them! Sometimes it's only if they are on the brink of losing the relationship that they will get their act together. You sound lovely and everything is going to work out for you.
Er, no. My fiancé wants to marry me. He proposed, we had an adult discussion about timelines and will be getting married 11 months post-proposal because it’s what works for both of us. He is very excited about being my husband!

OP, do you really want to marry someone who you have to basically strongarm into it? If so, why?!

Kite22 · 29/01/2022 00:33

I agree with the majority.

You need to give him back the ring and tell him you don't want to continue like this.
The fact you have even agreed to just "elope" and get married without any of your friends and family and he wouldn't even agree to that, shows this isn't about the cost or the planning or the not wanting to be the centre of attention - he is clearly saying he doesn't want to get married, which is what 'being engaged' is supposed to be - 'the time you are planning your wedding'.

Listen to what he is saying to you - he doesn't want to marry you. It is sad, but isn't going to change if you accept his ridiculous reasons.

Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 00:51

I hate to say it, but I don't think he wants to get married. My coworker got engaged a couple of months ago after dating less than a year (they are in their 40s and have been married before) and got married today. Her partner couldn't wait to marry her, and there was almost a road block for them to get married (something to do with his previous divorce documents) and he was truly upset. Add to that they got married in the middle of the day and he just started a new job but he used the little PTO he has to go get married.

My ex on the other hand after 3 years together, talking about marriage, window shopping for rings, never made the move. And I knew he didn't want to marry me. Getting married can take about an hour (at least in the US) you can go to the court house and get married in less than an hour. So there's really no excuse.

So I feel like if a man wants to marry you he will, he wont drag his feet and come up with lame excuses, he will just do it and be excited to do it.

Goodnessrosee · 29/01/2022 00:56

He needs to get off the pot Op (as the saying goes) if he's not willing to marry you! Don't let him waste your time.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2022 01:02

This man is going to rob you of the best, most fertile years of your life, but only if you allow him to.

Believe his actions, and in this case, his inactions. A man who truly wants to make a woman his wife because he loves her doesn't waste time. He knows better.

PinkArt · 29/01/2022 01:26

he said he would prefer it if it were just the two of us - an elopement
Is this the crux of it? That it's a wedding he doesn't really want rather than being married? How would you feel about eloping OP?

layladomino · 29/01/2022 07:44

I disagree that 'all men all like this'. That's not my experience. SOME are. But definitely not all.

I echo pp suggestion - have a serious conversation. Tell him if he wants to get married then you can set a date today. If he doesn't then, then that's his choice as the relationship will end as a) commitment is important to you and b) he's been stringing you along and you'd no longer trust him.

Suprima · 29/01/2022 07:53

@Honeydish

Men, they're all the same! Forget about the comments 'you deserve someone who can't wait to whisk you down the aisle'. I don't know ANY men like that, including my husband! He would have been happy to continue as we were forever. After we got engaged, he wanted a long engagement whereas I didn't want to wait for longer than a year. Eventually I texted him a few dates and asked him which he'd like. Try this and see what he does. If he makes another excuse ask him to leave and tell him as he won't commit you think you should see other people. Follow through on this. He'll be back! Don't worry about the comments 'it won't end well if he feels pushed into it'. I know a very happily married couple who got engaged after she gave him an ultimatum....most men need a fire lit under them! Sometimes it's only if they are on the brink of losing the relationship that they will get their act together. You sound lovely and everything is going to work out for you.
They’re really not, unless they aren’t massively bothered about marrying you and eventually do it because it’s ‘the thing to do’ and you’ll stop providing sex and cleaning otherwise.

This bloke doesn’t want to marry you OP. You’ve offered an elopement, he isn’t interested.

coraka · 29/01/2022 08:09

Tell him you want to set a date. If he says "November is no good" say "ok, which month would you like to get married?" Don't drop the conversation until you've set a date or he's admitted he doesn't want to get married.

For me it would be a deal breaker and you don't have time to hang around.

coraka · 29/01/2022 08:13

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. So many threads on here from women distraught their partner won't marry them after many years and a couple of kids.

2catsandhappy · 29/01/2022 08:24

An excellent summing up by @coraka

whiteroseredrose · 29/01/2022 08:31

@Balletslipper

Thanks for your input so far everyone. I’m 30, he is a little older, and we don’t have children. I don’t want to waste my best years so I feel at a real crossroads with this.
I gave my (now) DH an ultimatum when I was about your age. He had nearly a year to decide if he wanted to spend his life with me. If yes, we would book a wedding, if no we would split up and move on. He proposed within 3 months and we were married within the year.

MN is full of threads from women who have had children and are still waiting to get married. The horse has pretty much bolted by then.

If marriage is important to you, insist before you have children.

fiowen45 · 29/01/2022 08:35

I had this told me he wanted marriage and kids etc . He doesn’t want to get married and gave you a ring to keep you there. I’d get out asap and find someone who does want to be with you .

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/01/2022 08:38

He doesn't deserve another year of stringing you along though.

Anyway - he does not want to marry you.
His actions are showing you that.
I would end it, move out or get him to move out.
I would keep the ring and try to sell it for some handy cash.

Daenerys77 · 29/01/2022 08:53

Would you even want to marry someone who is obviously reluctant to marry you?

WaterBottle123 · 29/01/2022 09:02

Marriage generally isn't a good deal for women unless they are daft enough to reduce their earning capacity. You end up with all the mental and emotional load and your assets are at risk.

Tell him you consider the engagement cancelled, focus on your own life and career. Then think if he's the one you want to have kids with, as this is a time limited thing.

Hathertonhariden · 29/01/2022 09:19

@Aquamarine1029

This man is going to rob you of the best, most fertile years of your life, but only if you allow him to.

Believe his actions, and in this case, his inactions. A man who truly wants to make a woman his wife because he loves her doesn't waste time. He knows better.

This. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

Give him the ring back and move on.

TheFlis12345 · 29/01/2022 09:26

Just being engaged is not a thing. It’s an abbreviation of ‘engaged to be married’. If you’re not planning the marriage bit, it’s pointless and you’re not really engaged. Too many men just see it as a way to stall and keep their partner quiet without any real commitment. He needs to step up and do the marriage part or do the decent thing and let you find somebody who wants the same thing you do.

ElectraBlue · 29/01/2022 10:20

Why are you giving him all the power?

If you both decided to get engage then of course you now want to go ahead and set the date.

He doesn't sound keen to be honest.

I would have one last serious conversation with him and state that you want to set a date together. If he does not want to do that then you know he will continue to mess you around and that it is time to break off your engagement and move on.

I would say I personally would feel uncomfortable to have to go through that length to get someone to agree to marry me and I would dump him right now...he might also not be keen to start a family (if that is what you want) and could continue to mess you around for years even if you get married.

You need someone who really values you and wants to be committed to you long term.

Fittleswade · 29/01/2022 10:23

@GeorgiaGirl52

Believe in what he does more than what he says. He does not want to get married to you. He gave you the engagement ring the way a mother gives a dummy to a baby -- to shut them up. Give back the ring and tell him you want to be married, not engaged. Then start sorting out your finances and a place to stay. Maybe look for a new job in another town -- what he does then will show you who he really is.
Absolutely this. Be prepared to walk away. I don't think he wants to marry you. Don't waste your 30s on this man.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/01/2022 10:25

Men, they're all the same! Forget about the comments 'you deserve someone who can't wait to whisk you down the aisle'. I don't know ANY men like that, including my husband!

This is bullshit. It really is. There are a lot of normal, decent blokes who ask someone to marry them because they want to be married to them and then don't bizarrely put off following through... because they want to be married to them.

You not knowing any men like that doesn't mean they don't exist.

northumberlandavenue · 29/01/2022 10:30

Painful as is for you, from what I read, I think he does not want to marry you.