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Original poster

Dating confusion!

83 replies

RoseSays · 28/01/2022 20:34

I'm OLD - just very slowly as I've been married before and prefer being single!

I'd like some advice / insight if that's ok?

The last couple of guys I've been on a couple of dates with both called me 'independent'.

Now that's actually exactly how I would describe myself, and proudly so, but I got the impression they thought it was a negative?

I'm dating white collar, metropolitan type guys, mid - 40s, divorced with children.

I had been married for a long time, but no children. I do not spend my time solo-kayaking across the Atlantic, I work, eat, sleep, repeat like everyone else I know.

I've taken a step back and allowed them to pay for most of the dates (they earn more than me) but I offer and I'm more than happy to go Dutch/me pay.
I drive myself to the dates because often they are half-way plus I don't want to drink too much, or give them my address (I've only been on a couple of dates with each of them).

I don't think they are potentially abusive guys, I do hope I know by now the rest flags.

The first guy finished with me (he wasn't feeling it - I was secretly really really gutted) but it's only now I'm dating the next guy and he's said the same thing which is why I'm wondering as especially we've only spend a brief amount of time together.

I dress fashionably rather than sexily, but I'm very 'feminine' looking and 'pretty' so I do try and balance that out by not showing flesh or figure hugging clothes. I don't know why I feel this is important to state - but there it is. Both guys fancied me, so I don't think they mean that independent = unfeminine.

I wonder if they mean emotionally unavailable?

OP posts:
Pky45 · 01/02/2022 18:41

A lot of men see themselves as providing utilitarian value rather than simply being valuable as themselves. If it isn't obvious they can provide that they may back off. As I said earlier it's often a self confidence thing - if they don't like themselves why would someone else? But if they can provide something of tangible benefit then maybe it's worth a shot.

I think this is quite true, but there are also lots of crappy low quality women out there looking for nothing more than a meal ticket, so those might appeal.

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 18:43

But looking for somebody you'd want to change for seems odd, and quite unhealthy? If you want to change, change. If not, don't. Where does anybody else come into the equation, unless you want to be moulded into a new person by someone?

And why would you want to drop your barriers? I'm assuming you mean boundaries? You don't have to drop them in a healthy relationship - apart from 'being happy', that's the very definition of a healthy relationship.

Gilda152 · 01/02/2022 18:57

If you crave emotional unavailability and would quite like to get with an aloof commitment phobe, I think the mystery is solved - you're emotional unavailable and commitment phobic and that transmits to men as "independent" meaning, you don't need them,tho you might want them. To the right man, he won't mind,he'll like that about you and be nailed on emotionally unavailable as well. But what you sow, you reap. It's a fact that few people dating in their 40's want to face.

Also, most people by this age are independent - of course they are - they have come out of long term relationships marriages and are fully grown adults. So no big reveal there. You think you are independent and they agree with you.

me4real · 01/02/2022 19:08

I'd take it as a compliment and not feel like you have to downplay/counter it in any way.

Just be you.

buddylicious · 01/02/2022 19:22

Why are you doing OLD if you prefer being single?

Original poster
RoseSays · 01/02/2022 23:49

@Gilda152

If you crave emotional unavailability and would quite like to get with an aloof commitment phobe, I think the mystery is solved - you're emotional unavailable and commitment phobic and that transmits to men as "independent" meaning, you don't need them,tho you might want them. To the right man, he won't mind,he'll like that about you and be nailed on emotionally unavailable as well. But what you sow, you reap. It's a fact that few people dating in their 40's want to face.

Also, most people by this age are independent - of course they are - they have come out of long term relationships marriages and are fully grown adults. So no big reveal there. You think you are independent and they agree with you.

Yeah, I'm beginning to understand that about myself
OP posts:
Original poster
RoseSays · 01/02/2022 23:50

@buddylicious

Why are you doing OLD if you prefer being single?
I was being a little glib.

And I'm also 'just seeing what's out there'

And I'm also looking for the love of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseSays · 01/02/2022 23:53

@TheFoundation

But looking for somebody you'd want to change for seems odd, and quite unhealthy? If you want to change, change. If not, don't. Where does anybody else come into the equation, unless you want to be moulded into a new person by someone?

And why would you want to drop your barriers? I'm assuming you mean boundaries? You don't have to drop them in a healthy relationship - apart from 'being happy', that's the very definition of a healthy relationship.

No, I'm very happy with boundaries, I've no difficulties with having and keeping those.

I'm talking about something different.
Obstacles/barriers/things that are unnecessarily defensive and are preventing me finding a better, deeper relationship than the perfectly nice ones that I've always had and have been a bit 'throwaway' to me.

OP posts:
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