Dating confusion!

[RoseSays]

I'm OLD - just very slowly as I've been married before and prefer being single!

I'd like some advice / insight if that's ok?

The last couple of guys I've been on a couple of dates with both called me 'independent'.

Now that's actually exactly how I would describe myself, and proudly so, but I got the impression they thought it was a negative?

I'm dating white collar, metropolitan type guys, mid - 40s, divorced with children.

I had been married for a long time, but no children. I do not spend my time solo-kayaking across the Atlantic, I work, eat, sleep, repeat like everyone else I know.

I've taken a step back and allowed them to pay for most of the dates (they earn more than me) but I offer and I'm more than happy to go Dutch/me pay.
I drive myself to the dates because often they are half-way plus I don't want to drink too much, or give them my address (I've only been on a couple of dates with each of them).

I don't think they are potentially abusive guys, I do hope I know by now the rest flags.

The first guy finished with me (he wasn't feeling it - I was secretly really really gutted) but it's only now I'm dating the next guy and he's said the same thing which is why I'm wondering as especially we've only spend a brief amount of time together.

I dress fashionably rather than sexily, but I'm very 'feminine' looking and 'pretty' so I do try and balance that out by not showing flesh or figure hugging clothes. I don't know why I feel this is important to state - but there it is. Both guys fancied me, so I don't think they mean that independent = unfeminine.

I wonder if they mean emotionally unavailable?

But consider this - if you do less of the talking on Date #1, then you won't be oversharing.

The first guy finished with me (he wasn't feeling it - I was secretly really really gutted) but it's only now I'm dating the next guy and he's said the same thing which is why I'm wondering as especially we've only spend a brief amount of time together.

I think they might mean independent in way that means you don’t seem to need problems solved or issued fixed, so maybe they are wondering what they have to offer you.

I meet a woman who is very independent and seems to have everything together I'd question what I could bring to her life

Sex and fun ! And maleness
That’s really all I’m looking for

[quote adviceall]@Lpc3 - wisdom yes but women who are Independant don't need a man's finances or for him to be a mentor. Sounds a bit patronizing.[/quote]
@Lpc3

Most women need a man to procreate with. Very very few chose to go down the sperm don't route to achieve having a family (fwiw I did that)

*donor rather!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I meet a woman who is very independent and seems to have everything together I'd question what I could bring to her life

Sex and fun ! And maleness
That’s really all I’m looking for

How about companionship, someone to share life with.

If you are being dropped by several mean you like its probably because you are too confident and too independant, my impression is that single professionals in particular try too hard. It’s hard to pin down attraction but it’s easy to make yourself less appealing

Crazykatie
I’m a single mum and one child has sen
So I’m not looking for a serious relationship
As I can’t give them the time
So right now it’s casual

How about companionship, someone to share life with.
If you are being dropped by several mean you like its probably because you are too confident and too independant, my impression is that single professionals in particular try too hard. It’s hard to pin down attraction but it’s easy to make yourself less appealing

I'd agree with companionship, it would be high on my list too (I'm a man).
I don't agree with confidence and independence being off-putting, for me they are a plus -who would look for the opposite? But single professionals in particular try too hard can be true. Last year I dropped seeing a woman after about 8 dates, she was perfectly nice but it seemed important to her to impress me by proving she was a high achiever. She had that Oxbridge near- arrogance and kept name-dropping about well-known people she knew.

Not read all the replies but op I wouldn't over analyse it. You sound lovely and the right guy will come along in time.

I never found him until I'd dated about a dozen men and I liked some of them and thought they liked me back but then got dumped.

I found my guy in the end (been married 15 years now). I was also very independent but that is one of the things that he said attracted me to him.

@Danceswithwhippets agree that people who define themselves by their education and achievements are dull. This would put me off a man too.

They do say 'independent' with a twinkle in their eye, they seem impressed, but I still get the impression it's a negative
Why are they telling you what you are like? Is it a rating? Even if it was a positive, being patted on the head would be a huge turn-off to me. Ugh.

I think I got a bit o this too op when I was OLD.

I had dates with some nice men - one went onto a few more over a few weeks and then out of the blue he ended things, when it had been him pursuing things if anything. I get the impression, looking back that he thought he had nothing to offer to add to my life...which may be true. I had got to a place after my marriage ending suddenly and traumatically, that I was quite happy in my own company. I work, I raise my kids and I had and still have not intention of moving in with anyone else while my DC are at home. I think this guy was looking to mix finances and lives with someone else in order to upgrade from his bachelor pad and lifestyle and that wasn't going to be me.

I have now been in a relationship with someone for over 2 years who understood form the start that I like my life the way it is but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to give to someone else. We live separately but have moved closer to one another and enjoy time together mostly when I don't have my DC.

There will be someone out there who appreciates you for what and who you are and independence as a woman is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. It served me well when my marriage ended.

@MostlyHappyMummy

I think what they mean is they're doubtful you'll taken over parenting their children. Most will be looking for someone who will step into the role of childcare provider as well as girlfriend

This so much.

Many many many men want a skivvy.
Look after their DC, make enough money but not too much and have a job/career that doesn't interfere with what he wants, be a little bit beneath him and defer so he can feel important.

Maybe you just gave t net the right person?! I know how trite that is! And I know how baffling and confusing it is when you don't understand why someone finished things. But I don't think there's a problem here. Honestly. You sound adorable.

The best dating book I've read recently (even though it's quite old) is "Have Him At Hello" by Rachel Greenwald. She interviewed 1000+ men after first dates to find the real actual reasons they didn't want a second date. (I'm sure you're getting second dates! But the men were super honest about things that put them off.) The book is eye opening, helpful and a fun read.

*Maybe you just haven't met the right person?!

Just to correct that super trite sentence. 😂

@RoseSays you know the one you really liked, what did he actually say to you in person to end it? Did you actually tell him what you said above about him being the most interesting person you had met in a long time? I'd have another crack at him unless he's blocked you, if he hasn't just send him a friendly dating update and ask how he's getting on. I've done loads of OLD and I know sometimes there can be misunderstandings in the beginning

Independent = not easy to control, won't feel like you "need" him to be fulfilled in life. It scares men basically

[quote MissSmiley]@RoseSays you know the one you really liked, what did he actually say to you in person to end it? Did you actually tell him what you said above about him being the most interesting person you had met in a long time? I'd have another crack at him unless he's blocked you, if he hasn't just send him a friendly dating update and ask how he's getting on. I've done loads of OLD and I know sometimes there can be misunderstandings in the beginning [/quote]

@MissSmiley
We had set up another date for the next week, then he texted me saying he wasn't feeling it, and we both wished each other the best.

I did message him again a few weeks later to say hello (in a casual way I hope!) and he answered, but the conversation didn't go any further.
We had a very superficial connection while dating and didn't have time to know each other in that short period, but I was intrigued to try and get to know him and I'm disappointed I didn't get that chance because I was really attracted to him, and that mystery.

I've started dating another guy since, and he's the opposite, always ringing/messaging me, loves to hear about the minutiae of my day. I actually find it all a bit overwhelming (in terms of dating) and I probably am a bit aloof and like my romantic partner to be similar. Even though I crave a warm loving connection.

I've actually had a lot of dating which has ended up as friendships and hanging out together because I think the core of me desires an aloof commitment-phobe, but the grow up sensible me desires friendship, closeness and happiness and laughter....basically I need 2 guys on routation
One for my heart, one for my head!

Well, I think you sound delightful and cool as hell. Not that internet stranger validation is any use whatsoever. 😂

@curmudgeonly007

The first guy finished with me (he wasn't feeling it - I was secretly really really gutted) but it's only now I'm dating the next guy and he's said the same thing which is why I'm wondering as especially we've only spend a brief amount of time together.

I think they might mean independent in way that means you don’t seem to need problems solved or issued fixed, so maybe they are wondering what they have to offer you.

A lot of men see themselves as providing utilitarian value rather than simply being valuable as themselves. If it isn't obvious they can provide that they may back off. As I said earlier it's often a self confidence thing - if they don't like themselves why would someone else? But if they can provide something of tangible benefit then maybe it's worth a shot.

I think you need to be careful: 'I think he views me in x/y/z negative way' is fine: if you don't like it, you leave.

'I think he views me in x/y/z negative way, what am I doing wrong?' is dangerous.

You're dating. You'll meet lots of none-compatibles. If you feel someone you're dating is viewing you negatively, stop dating them. It doesn't matter why some random bloke thinks the things he thinks, and 100 random blokes might say the same thing before you meet Mr Compatible; do you think you should change yourself for the Mr Uncompatibles?

@TheFoundation

I think you need to be careful: 'I think he views me in x/y/z negative way' is fine: if you don't like it, you leave.

'I think he views me in x/y/z negative way, what am I doing wrong?' is dangerous.

You're dating. You'll meet lots of none-compatibles. If you feel someone you're dating is viewing you negatively, stop dating them. It doesn't matter why some random bloke thinks the things he thinks, and 100 random blokes might say the same thing before you meet Mr Compatible; do you think you should change yourself for the Mr Uncompatibles?

I'm 99% sure neither guy views me negatively - they are really different characters and approaches to dates and dating.
They both like/liked me as a person I'm sure of that.
They both just happened to mention the word 'independent' about me.
I'm only analysing it because I was strongly drawn to the first guy and he finished it prematurely from my point of view and I wondered if me being 'independent' might be one of the reasons why.
The discussion has moved on a bit for me on this thread, but I'm really enjoying the responses.
I'm having a lovely time dating the second guy, he's great, it lots of ways couldn't be better - he seems genuinely interested in a long term relationship, but I wonder if I'll end up friend-zoning him because he doesn't intrigue me. I've had lovely relationships with guys like him before and I end up breaking their hearts because I find it too easy (if that makes sense?)
I probably need/crave a bit of emotional unavailability as that's my comfort zone and I can keep my autonomy and freedom.
But I also would like to give my all to a person and a relationship because I don't think I've ever done that before, despite a few very long term relationships.
I'm just not sure I can grow in that way and still be me?

I don't think any man can change me btw, they wouldn't have a chance! - but I would like to find one I'd change for (dropping my barriers and going all in).

Life is all about growing and developing until the back of your head hits the coffin as far as I'm concerned and I'd love to have that 'big' love before my time is out (hope none of my significant ex's are reading this! ) and have that experience of being brave enough to give my all.

but I would like to find one I'd change for (dropping my barriers and going all in

Don't you mean one you wouldn't need to change for, and who wouldn't challenge your barriers so you wouldn't have to consider dropping them?

@TheFoundation

but I would like to find one I'd change for (dropping my barriers and going all in

Don't you mean one you wouldn't need to change for, and who wouldn't challenge your barriers so you wouldn't have to consider dropping them?

Nope, had loads like that....