I've been with my partner for 15 years. We have no children and we aren't married. We get along really well for the most part and are comfortable with each other and can chat away and do things together with ease.
Our relationship has had its rocky patches too. Recently I discovered he had been using online dating sites - to what extent I don't know. He said he didn't do more than chat, but that doesn't mean it's the truth. Historically I also caught him messaging a girl who wasn't interested, and with a profile on another dating site 5 years prior.
We get on well as friends, we can have really good fun together and be silly, and he is supportive when I need him. But can also be a bit of an idiot in other ways at times. But that's probably the same of most relationships.
He rarely initiated sex with me. I don't think he was the most confident in bed at the best of times. So when I stopped bothering we just didn't do it anymore. There is sometimes hugging and hand holding but no kissing or under the sheets activity.
I was getting a lot of interest from other men which I had always laughed off and not engaged with. But I got close to a married man at work in the same situation. I realised i lonely, invisible and in a flatmate situation at home, and he made me feel like the most attractive person he'd ever met, and was also very sweet.
This developed into an emotional affair and we were texting each other 24/7. My partner didn't even notice. Eventually it became physical which is something I always thought I would never ever do. Eventually his partner got suspicious and we agreed to stop, we haven't seen each other since but do keep in touch as friends less frequently.
I've been trying to figure out what I want and what's best to do. I stayed with family for a week and realised that he and I live together so well, living elsewhere was a challenge learning everyone else's quirks. (We have lived together since I was 21 so for the majority of our relationship).
I found some balls to discuss how I'm feeling with him, admitted getting close to someone else and that for me the trust between us is gone and I didn't know what to do. In his mind he doesn't see us as flatmates in the same way, but he did understand some of my points.
I'm said maybe we should have and open relationship - we both feel things are missing based on choices he has made. He did it first in the relationship, I don't know if he had sex with another girl or not, but when I did it that happened and it was one person whereas he was chatting to several so our stepping out was not one and the same, just different.
We have such a good friendship and there are some relationship qualities there at times, just more platonic than sexual. We live well together, travel well together, get along so well in general. But as it's become platonic things are definitely missing.
But I don't want to rip life apart when we are fine living how we are and he feels even more strongly about not wanting to do that. We have very close combined families (as in friendly, not inbred!) and a strong mutual friendship group. We have grown up together. Have a nice home, shared pets, hobbies we love to do together as well as our own interests.
Am I crazy to think an open relationship could work for us? I can see myself being happy living retired with him in my old age. It's just more intimacy (part emotional, part physical) I need as well to be truly happy. I don't want to lose everything I have to start over and potentially be in the same place with someone else along the line when the LTR and general living together starts flailing, or end up someone even worse down the line.
Is it so bad to acknowledge we cant give each other everything and look at alternatives even if they are traditionally frowned upon? Surely it's better this way than one of us ends up sneaking around again later down the line?
I'd want it to be a 'don't ask don't tell policy' - neither of us needs to know what the other does. I try to be open minded and not black and white thinking. I'm in my early thirties so I need a bit more excitement at this stage, but in my sixties when my priorities and needs adjust, I'm sure I'd be quite content with him and him me.
Can anyone relate to this or has anyone done similar? Just trying to work through this in a way that works for everyone, without affairs/cheating being a risk, where a lot of people get hurt.