Please help me unravel my relationship mess..

[Anonforthisone567]

I've been with my partner for 15 years. We have no children and we aren't married. We get along really well for the most part and are comfortable with each other and can chat away and do things together with ease.

Our relationship has had its rocky patches too. Recently I discovered he had been using online dating sites - to what extent I don't know. He said he didn't do more than chat, but that doesn't mean it's the truth. Historically I also caught him messaging a girl who wasn't interested, and with a profile on another dating site 5 years prior.

We get on well as friends, we can have really good fun together and be silly, and he is supportive when I need him. But can also be a bit of an idiot in other ways at times. But that's probably the same of most relationships.

He rarely initiated sex with me. I don't think he was the most confident in bed at the best of times. So when I stopped bothering we just didn't do it anymore. There is sometimes hugging and hand holding but no kissing or under the sheets activity.

I was getting a lot of interest from other men which I had always laughed off and not engaged with. But I got close to a married man at work in the same situation. I realised i lonely, invisible and in a flatmate situation at home, and he made me feel like the most attractive person he'd ever met, and was also very sweet.

This developed into an emotional affair and we were texting each other 24/7. My partner didn't even notice. Eventually it became physical which is something I always thought I would never ever do. Eventually his partner got suspicious and we agreed to stop, we haven't seen each other since but do keep in touch as friends less frequently.

I've been trying to figure out what I want and what's best to do. I stayed with family for a week and realised that he and I live together so well, living elsewhere was a challenge learning everyone else's quirks. (We have lived together since I was 21 so for the majority of our relationship).

I found some balls to discuss how I'm feeling with him, admitted getting close to someone else and that for me the trust between us is gone and I didn't know what to do. In his mind he doesn't see us as flatmates in the same way, but he did understand some of my points.

I'm said maybe we should have and open relationship - we both feel things are missing based on choices he has made. He did it first in the relationship, I don't know if he had sex with another girl or not, but when I did it that happened and it was one person whereas he was chatting to several so our stepping out was not one and the same, just different.

We have such a good friendship and there are some relationship qualities there at times, just more platonic than sexual. We live well together, travel well together, get along so well in general. But as it's become platonic things are definitely missing.

But I don't want to rip life apart when we are fine living how we are and he feels even more strongly about not wanting to do that. We have very close combined families (as in friendly, not inbred!) and a strong mutual friendship group. We have grown up together. Have a nice home, shared pets, hobbies we love to do together as well as our own interests.

Am I crazy to think an open relationship could work for us? I can see myself being happy living retired with him in my old age. It's just more intimacy (part emotional, part physical) I need as well to be truly happy. I don't want to lose everything I have to start over and potentially be in the same place with someone else along the line when the LTR and general living together starts flailing, or end up someone even worse down the line.

Is it so bad to acknowledge we cant give each other everything and look at alternatives even if they are traditionally frowned upon? Surely it's better this way than one of us ends up sneaking around again later down the line?

I'd want it to be a 'don't ask don't tell policy' - neither of us needs to know what the other does. I try to be open minded and not black and white thinking. I'm in my early thirties so I need a bit more excitement at this stage, but in my sixties when my priorities and needs adjust, I'm sure I'd be quite content with him and him me.

Can anyone relate to this or has anyone done similar? Just trying to work through this in a way that works for everyone, without affairs/cheating being a risk, where a lot of people get hurt.

Split up and be housemates.

This.

You've cheated, he's tried to cheat, you don't shag.. Honestly, you're just flatmates already.

Open relationships are complicated, messy and stressful.

Sounds like a possibility OP. I don't think you're crazy!

Do you think you will want to have children? If so that's the only thing I'd say would make it a not so good idea.
Otherwise, it's worth a try.

@whatisheupto

Sounds like a possibility OP. I don't think you're crazy! Do you think you will want to have children? If so that's the only thing I'd say would make it a not so good idea. Otherwise, it's worth a try.

No I don't think so. He mentioned marriage the other day and I said I didn't think it was right. Same with kids, happy to keep my freedom to travel and be carefree.

But does he want marriage and children?

Yours doesn't read like a good relationship. You really need to think about why you won't consider ending it.

He's looking for other women and has done throughout your relationship. You've had an EA. He doesn't want to have sex with you. You say he can be a bit of an idiot in some ways. That doesn't sounds like a good relationship.

If you get on well as friends (although I don't think I could be friends with someone who's (considering) cheating on me) then you could stay as friends. And both be free to find relationships that are fulfilling and happy.

If you both want to stay together and have an open relationship (wouldn't be for me, but each to their own and all that) then that could possible work. I think you have to have total trust in each other, and a solid relationship, for it to work. Only you know if you have that.

It reads as though you want him as a safety net for companionship. I can understand that as you have been together for so long but I don't think it will benefit either of you.

Eventually his partner got suspicious and we agreed to stop, we haven't seen each other since but do keep in touch as friends less frequently.

She wasn't a partner. She was a wife. Honestly OP, I think you are hiding from reality and being dishonest and yes, cowardly. You want to limp on in a shell of a relationship. And evidently that is what it is. It's not an open relationship, it's one that's falling apart but also comfortable for you. You've been in the relationship basically your whole adult life, so of course you don't want to face change.

He's on dating sites. You want sex and love, you just don't want it with him. You want us to say 'there, there, it's a great idea, stay in your comfort zone but have an open relationship' and when people don't say that, you get snippy. But sometimes you need people to be blunt and bluntly, you need to go out and explore the world. Neither of you are happy, you're just in a rut and too afraid to do anything about it.

living elsewhere was a challenge learning everyone else's quirks
Honestly OP, reading your first post I thought you were in your 50s. You're in your early 30s and so set in your ways that living with family for one week was a challenge? So much of a challenge that you'd rather stay with your housemate for another 50 years rather than having to get used to something else?

I think you are trying to control the situation.

By the sounds of it you are missing your om and are listing events by your partner to assuage your guilt.

You have no proof of your partner having affairs yet you believe at the moment if he did have sex with others at the moment, you would be able to cope with that.

I actually don't think you could cope with him falling in love with someone else, partly because he gives you security and partly because you have an idealized notion of sleeping with one other man.

Be honest, is it the mm you are pining for ?

There is no honesty in this, you stated you felt something for this om and told your partner, did you tell him you had a sexual relationship?

Has his wife been told of the sexual relationship?

There are too many lies and too many conviniences for you. Be careful when you try to manipulate relationships to suit your agenda you can end up getting hurt yourself.

The right thing to do is end your relationship, be honest with your partner and start again with a clean slate.

I think why not try it, if it's something you are both interested in. You are already thinking of breaking up, so what's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out and you break up? At least you will have explored the idea and won't have what ifs. Best case you both enjoy the lifestyle, either temporarily or long term.

Split up. You have nothing to stay together for, you'll only regret it if you do. And it's inevitable sooner or later one of you will actually meet someone that you'd rather be with, and then it'll end anyway but potentially more painfully.

Sounds like you're afraid of being lonely (fair enough after spending most of your adult life in this relationship). But you need to find contentment in yourself before getting into another relationship. And the best way to do that is to be properly alone for a while.

@Onthedunes

I think you are trying to control the situation.

By the sounds of it you are missing your om and are listing events by your partner to assuage your guilt.

You have no proof of your partner having affairs yet you believe at the moment if he did have sex with others at the moment, you would be able to cope with that.

I actually don't think you could cope with him falling in love with someone else, partly because he gives you security and partly because you have an idealized notion of sleeping with one other man.

Be honest, is it the mm you are pining for ?

There is no honesty in this, you stated you felt something for this om and told your partner, did you tell him you had a sexual relationship?

Has his wife been told of the sexual relationship?

There are too many lies and too many conviniences for you. Be careful when you try to manipulate relationships to suit your agenda you can end up getting hurt yourself.

The right thing to do is end your relationship, be honest with your partner and start again with a clean slate.

This is a bit of an assumption. I've said my partner has been dabbling on dating sites to my knowledge across 8 years! My own fuck up is hardly worse than that as when he was doing this I thought things were good between us.

That's not to say I think I'm an angel either. I admitted to my mistakes, he lied about his at first even when I had proof.

If I wanted the married man back, he's there for the taking. His situation isn't much different to mine to be honest, they're together for the kids and I've seen evidence of that but that's irrelevant.

But no, that's not what I want to do. I want to find a situation that works without guilt and lies. I want to not feel like a selfish asshole.

Yes I am nervous to make that step. I grew up in an abusive family and know I could be with someone much worse.

@LimeSegment

I think why not try it, if it's something you are both interested in. You are already thinking of breaking up, so what's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out and you break up? At least you will have explored the idea and won't have what ifs. Best case you both enjoy the lifestyle, either temporarily or long term.

That's kind of my thinking too. Can't make it any worse.. and if we split, that could have happened without trying it..

I think this is something you should be navigating with a counsellor. And if your friendship/history/close family relationships are as good as you say you actually do have quite a lot to lose if you try an open relationship and it goes sour.

Is the primary problem you each can’t get over the other one straying? Or that you share no physical and emotional intimacy?

@Electricbug321

I think this is something you should be navigating with a counsellor. And if your friendship/history/close family relationships are as good as you say you actually do have quite a lot to lose if you try an open relationship and it goes sour.

Is the primary problem you each can’t get over the other one straying? Or that you share no physical and emotional intimacy?

For me I have found it hard to see him in the same way after finding that out. I just thought he had a low libido. There was probably more affection prior to that, and that more or less killed it off there and then and sex stopped. It was there before that but it wasn't regular. But there was cuddling on the sofa etc.

For him it's more what people think than struggling to move past it. But yes, the physical side of our relationship isn't in great shape. In terms of emotional or other connection.. that wasn't too bad prior to him cheating.

And I guess I found that hard to deal with and shut myself off which is how I then found myself emotionally connecting to another man. Then I guess I lost my head a bit until that ended, and trying to find my way again now.

If he's not on board at this point I'm not sure he ever will be.

Would suggest you get your finances sorted out in advance of the whole thing imploding.

What would the point be in opening this ‘relationship’ up. He has been trying to cheat on you for years, you don’t have sex, you had an affair. The only reason you give for not breaking up is that you are used to living with him and don’t want to get used to others again. Why on earth would you rather live like you are rather than be happy.

@Crimeismymiddlename

What would the point be in opening this ‘relationship’ up. He has been trying to cheat on you for years, you don’t have sex, you had an affair. The only reason you give for not breaking up is that you are used to living with him and don’t want to get used to others again. Why on earth would you rather live like you are rather than be happy.

That's not the reason. That was a tiny comment. The reason is that we still get along so well, have fun together, enjoy the same things, have a great companionship, have been together since we were 18.. and I still care about him, want to look after him and want to make him happy.

Not sure how far he was willing to go and I'll never know. And for me.. I did what I did because things were missing but I wasn't looking to find someone new, I just fucked up.

The married man is there for the taking.

Wow.

How do you know? Didn't he end it when the wife got suspicious?

Just there for the kids - how original. What evidence?

I suggest you watch the Crappy Childhood Fairy's video about attraction to unavailable partners. It's on YouTube.

It seems like you are continually seeking situations that guarantee a lack of real intimacy.

I think you're too young to write off finding a relationship that gives you comfort + companionship + sex! They do exist!

You've been with this man all of your adult life and that's understandably making you afraid to make a clean break but I think that would be the ideal situation here. I imagine in an open relationship at some point one of you will fall for someone who wants more than to be a peripheral part of their life and end up breaking up the arrangement anyway - perhaps you're just kicking the can down the road? I'm sure open relationships do work but your so young and not inextricably entwined as neither married nor parents so I'm not sure I understand why this is an obvious answer. Either way, if I were you I'd look into talking it all through with a relationship counsellor either with your partner or alone.

I do hope you find happiness in whichever way you decide.

*you're so young

@slouchingtowardswaitrose

The married man is there for the taking.

Wow.

How do you know? Didn't he end it when the wife got suspicious?

Just there for the kids - how original. What evidence?

I suggest you watch the Crappy Childhood Fairy's video about attraction to unavailable partners. It's on YouTube.

It seems like you are continually seeking situations that guarantee a lack of real intimacy.

Continually seeking? From one single time?!! When I've had a 15 year relationship prior to that? Hardly.

This thread isn't about that. And I couldn't care whether he had lied or not as I'm not interested in revisiting that. Like I said, I had my evidence and don't really need to convince anyone of that. That was an aside and is totally irrelevant to my post.

@WhyYesYABU

I think you're too young to write off finding a relationship that gives you comfort + companionship + sex! They do exist!

You've been with this man all of your adult life and that's understandably making you afraid to make a clean break but I think that would be the ideal situation here. I imagine in an open relationship at some point one of you will fall for someone who wants more than to be a peripheral part of their life and end up breaking up the arrangement anyway - perhaps you're just kicking the can down the road? I'm sure open relationships do work but your so young and not inextricably entwined as neither married nor parents so I'm not sure I understand why this is an obvious answer. Either way, if I were you I'd look into talking it all through with a relationship counsellor either with your partner or alone.

I do hope you find happiness in whichever way you decide.

Thank you for your reply. I do understand a lot of what you're saying. I did suggest to him tonight that we might benefit from speaking to some kind of therapist together.

And yes the possibility of falling for someone else is there and could make things messy if it happened. I guess I'd be interested to know how other people navigate this in open relationships, maybe there is a limit as to how emotionally connected one gets.

He does give me comfort and companionship. It's just the sex/intimacy problem.. though part of me wonders if any of this stemmed from me and my childhood trauma.

"Continually seeking? From one single time?!! When I've had a 15 year relationship prior to that? Hardly."

Yes, continually seeking.

First you stay for years in a relationship that lacks passion and intimacy and in which both partners cheat to varying degrees.

Then you have an emotional & sexual affair with a married man.

Then you come up with a plan for an open relationship guaranteeing neither your primary partner nor your polyamorous lover will have full access to or be fully committed to you.

But sure. Deny that you are attracted to unavailability.

"This thread isn't about that. And I couldn't care whether he had lied or not as I'm not interested in revisiting that. Like I said, I had my evidence and don't really need to convince anyone of that. That was an aside and is totally irrelevant to my post."

No, you don't need to convince us but you asked for help unpicking this and I think it significant that you wish to believe so-called evidence, perhaps as a moral justification for participating in another woman's gaslighting.

You don't seem to value wholehearted commitment, as receiver or giver. Hence my suggestion to look into CPTSD and how it affects relationships. You mentioned childhood trauma.

I suppose you could toddle along living like you're 90+ until one of you meets someone who is available and lights you up, when things would change. They would have to, because most people won't settle for being add on to your 'open relationship'.