Please help me unravel my relationship mess..

[Anonforthisone567]

I've been with my partner for 15 years. We have no children and we aren't married. We get along really well for the most part and are comfortable with each other and can chat away and do things together with ease.

Our relationship has had its rocky patches too. Recently I discovered he had been using online dating sites - to what extent I don't know. He said he didn't do more than chat, but that doesn't mean it's the truth. Historically I also caught him messaging a girl who wasn't interested, and with a profile on another dating site 5 years prior.

We get on well as friends, we can have really good fun together and be silly, and he is supportive when I need him. But can also be a bit of an idiot in other ways at times. But that's probably the same of most relationships.

He rarely initiated sex with me. I don't think he was the most confident in bed at the best of times. So when I stopped bothering we just didn't do it anymore. There is sometimes hugging and hand holding but no kissing or under the sheets activity.

I was getting a lot of interest from other men which I had always laughed off and not engaged with. But I got close to a married man at work in the same situation. I realised i lonely, invisible and in a flatmate situation at home, and he made me feel like the most attractive person he'd ever met, and was also very sweet.

This developed into an emotional affair and we were texting each other 24/7. My partner didn't even notice. Eventually it became physical which is something I always thought I would never ever do. Eventually his partner got suspicious and we agreed to stop, we haven't seen each other since but do keep in touch as friends less frequently.

I've been trying to figure out what I want and what's best to do. I stayed with family for a week and realised that he and I live together so well, living elsewhere was a challenge learning everyone else's quirks. (We have lived together since I was 21 so for the majority of our relationship).

I found some balls to discuss how I'm feeling with him, admitted getting close to someone else and that for me the trust between us is gone and I didn't know what to do. In his mind he doesn't see us as flatmates in the same way, but he did understand some of my points.

I'm said maybe we should have and open relationship - we both feel things are missing based on choices he has made. He did it first in the relationship, I don't know if he had sex with another girl or not, but when I did it that happened and it was one person whereas he was chatting to several so our stepping out was not one and the same, just different.

We have such a good friendship and there are some relationship qualities there at times, just more platonic than sexual. We live well together, travel well together, get along so well in general. But as it's become platonic things are definitely missing.

But I don't want to rip life apart when we are fine living how we are and he feels even more strongly about not wanting to do that. We have very close combined families (as in friendly, not inbred!) and a strong mutual friendship group. We have grown up together. Have a nice home, shared pets, hobbies we love to do together as well as our own interests.

Am I crazy to think an open relationship could work for us? I can see myself being happy living retired with him in my old age. It's just more intimacy (part emotional, part physical) I need as well to be truly happy. I don't want to lose everything I have to start over and potentially be in the same place with someone else along the line when the LTR and general living together starts flailing, or end up someone even worse down the line.

Is it so bad to acknowledge we cant give each other everything and look at alternatives even if they are traditionally frowned upon? Surely it's better this way than one of us ends up sneaking around again later down the line?

I'd want it to be a 'don't ask don't tell policy' - neither of us needs to know what the other does. I try to be open minded and not black and white thinking. I'm in my early thirties so I need a bit more excitement at this stage, but in my sixties when my priorities and needs adjust, I'm sure I'd be quite content with him and him me.

Can anyone relate to this or has anyone done similar? Just trying to work through this in a way that works for everyone, without affairs/cheating being a risk, where a lot of people get hurt.

@slouchingtowardswaitrose

"Continually seeking? From one single time?!! When I've had a 15 year relationship prior to that? Hardly."

Yes, continually seeking.

First you stay for years in a relationship that lacks passion and intimacy and in which both partners cheat to varying degrees.

Then you have an emotional & sexual affair with a married man.

Then you come up with a plan for an open relationship guaranteeing neither your primary partner nor your polyamorous lover will have full access to or be fully committed to you.

But sure. Deny that you are attracted to unavailability.

"This thread isn't about that. And I couldn't care whether he had lied or not as I'm not interested in revisiting that. Like I said, I had my evidence and don't really need to convince anyone of that. That was an aside and is totally irrelevant to my post."

No, you don't need to convince us but you asked for help unpicking this and I think it significant that you wish to believe so-called evidence, perhaps as a moral justification for participating in another woman's gaslighting.

You don't seem to value wholehearted commitment, as receiver or giver. Hence my suggestion to look into CPTSD and how it affects relationships. You mentioned childhood trauma.

Yes, I do have C-PTSD

I also have ME which means I'm always pretty exhausted and very intolerant to stress. So I'm wanting to work on improving that however possible before I make any life changing and massively stressful decisions, as they'll then cause everything to flare back up again.

There’s quite a lot of pieces out there about ethical non- monogamy if you’re interested. I only know (of!) a couple of people who have had open relationships and one of them literally had a spreadsheet to keep track of her dates lol. That alone put me off the idea as I hate admin! Having said that you do seem to have presented the idea of an open relationship as a slightly frantic attempt to hold on to what feels good about your relationship and not have to be alone, which does make its sound like it’s not going to work. I think the mutual friends are the complicating factor in this, if you didn’t have that it might be worth ‘trying’ an open relationship until you just break up; but if my support network was semi- dependent on an amicable break up I might not want to risk it.

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/25/truth-about-polyamory-monogamy-open-relationships

By all means give the open relationship a try, but I feel it's just prolonging your inevitable breakup.

Ok OP, realtalk here. Everything you say about staying with him is about either convenience or friendship. You’re not in love with him. I know it’s hard to uproot your life but you’re surrendering to the sunk costs fallacy. You need to move on. So does he. All the positive vibes between you can be best maintained with a civil breakup now - before either of you leave for someone else.

You seem to be scared of being alone. It’s ok to be single, you know! It’s not a crime. It will be ok.

Sorry to hear about your condition but honestly?

I also have ME which means I'm always pretty exhausted and very intolerant to stress

And you think negotiating an open relationship will be less stressful than ending things and being single?

For a start, you'll both have to find potentially multiple partners who are happy to be part of that situation. Or if you're just out for a shag that should be simple enough, just use protection!

He may fall in love with someone else who actually pays him some sexual attention, or you might to do too.

Sounds like a nightmare. I just don't understand why you don't split up.

I might be interpreting this incorrect but I don't think it's actually an open relationship you are looking for.

I think if you have an open relationship and end up connecting with someone you will be off but you want the security of hanging on to what you have until then, just so you don't end up alone.

Could be wrong but it certainly reads that way to me.

@NeverChange

I might be interpreting this incorrect but I don't think it's actually an open relationship you are looking for.

I think if you have an open relationship and end up connecting with someone you will be off but you want the security of hanging on to what you have until then, just so you don't end up alone.

Could be wrong but it certainly reads that way to me.

I think this too I think you’re hedging your bets Be honest. If that man you had an affair with had left his partner for you would you even be writing this?

What you have is not a relationship it’s a platonic partnership. That’s fine, but it seems to me there is nothing to navigate int ears of sexual or romantic encounters with other people as you and him don’t have a sex life or romantic intimacy at all.

I personally think you should be brave enough to end this farce and seek out a relationship in which you are sexually fulfilled.

@DropYourSword

Split up and stay as friends and housemates. It sounds like that's basically already what you are without the title change!

I agree with this

Although… it could put off other potential serious prospects I suppose