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Original poster

Being in a new relationship after separation

53 replies

LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 14:29

Hello,
I have thought about posting for a while as am interested in hearing from those who have experienced new relationships after separation.
In a nutshell I separated from my ex over two years ago and about a year ago met a guy who is separated too, has got two kids from previous marriage. I have one child.
We have since the start had a good connection butthere are a few things which overtime have made me very upset.
First his approach with my DS is at times too confrontational. My DS can be very boisterous and doesnt take no as an answer. When my DS has a meltdown my BF answers him back and almost engages with him as if he himself was a child. He always says how I need to be disciplining my child sending him to his room when he misbehaves eg raises his voice or gets angry (behaviours which I am aware of). At times he manages to defuse situation and my DS then calms down.
The other thing that makes me upset is that my BF is hardly ever romantic and at times does not take me seriously. He makes jokes such as 'hey woman go make me dinner' etc which can be funny to an extent. When I bring up my feelings around him being quite sarcastic he says I cannot have this conversation again, ah feelings again, boring etc.
I have suggested we take a break but he does not seem to want it.
I am confused because I love this man but some of his behaviours (eg. how strict he can be with my child and not much inclined to understand my child's feelings and how little he listens to my feelings because he says its not a bloke thing) make me question whether I should continue.
I do not really know how to approach the subject with him without being either mocked or shut down. All I want is for him to be a bit more affectionate and sweet, understanding when it's time to have a joke and when instead it's time to be more serious or more empathetic to other people's feelings.

Has anyone got any word of advice or has found themselves in a similar position please post!
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 27/01/2022 14:35

Firstly a year into the relationship he has no place to be disciplining your DS at all.

And whether or not he wants a break, that is your decision too. I would be looking at ending this relationship. Your DS needs to come first.

Philly1234 · 27/01/2022 14:38

He sounds controlling op. And how dare he try to tell you how to parent but, most worryingly, try to discipline your child. You need put some boundaries into place PRONTO. if he keeps pushing back then that would be it for me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 14:38

First his approach with my DS is at times too confrontational.

He’s not your DS parent, it’s not his place to deal with his behaviour. Stop letting him get involved.

When my DS has a meltdown my BF answers him back and almost engages with him as if he himself was a child

What the actual fuck? Why are you putting up with this?

At times he manages to defuse situation and my DS then calms down.

He’s your child, don’t let someone else do so much parenting.

He makes jokes such as 'hey woman go make me dinner' etc which can be funny to an extent

That’s not a joke. He’s a sexist arsehole. It’s not funny. Your son is watching you let a man talk to you like that.

When I bring up my feelings around him being quite sarcastic he says I cannot have this conversation again, ah feelings again, boring etc.

He sounds 12. What on Earth do you see in him?

I have suggested we take a break but he does not seem to want it.

Thankfully it’s not his decision. Dump him.

I love this man

Why?!

I do not really know how to approach the subject with him without being either mocked or shut down

“I’m breaking up with you, I’ll leave your stuff on the doorstep.” Then you block him.

All I want is for him to be a bit more affectionate and sweet, understanding when it's time to have a joke and when instead it's time to be

You must know that’s not going to happen. He is who is, a bully. Someone who picks on vulnerable children and women with very low self esteem. He’s not going to change. He wouldn’t want to.

Please please dump him and then be single for a while. You’ve let someone horrible into your child’s life and that’s so incredibly damaging.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 14:39

When I bring up my feelings around him being quite sarcastic he says I cannot have this conversation again, ah feelings again, boring etc

I do not really know how to approach the subject with him without being either mocked or shut down

Do you think your feelings matter to him?

Swizzel · 27/01/2022 14:51

First off, he shouldn't be disciplining your child at all, and it's up to you to make that very clear to him. Your child, your rules - who on earth does he think he is, instructing you as to what's right and wrong?

If he doesn't want to listen to you when you try to talk to him, then that speaks volumes. Feelings are NOT boring, they are extremely important, and if he's comfortable minimising your wants and needs just one year into the relationship, then take that as what it is - a huge red flag.

You say you've suggested a break, but he 'does not seem to want it.' Of course he doesn't want it, he's getting comfortable with grinding you down and taking your power away from you. What about what you want? It's not up to him, it's up to you - if you want a break, then do it.

He's not going to turn into a sweet, romantic man who listens to you and takes the time to understand your child's feelings. He's already walking over you, and I think you know that but don't want to accept it because it's hard to admit that this new relationship isn't working out.

You and your child deserve more than this man is ever going to give you. Tell him you want to take a break, and use that time to re-evaluate the relationship and break it off for good. I know it's easier said than done, but the longer you stay in a bad relationship, the harder it becomes to get out, and I speak from experience.

ravenmum · 27/01/2022 14:59

This doesn't sound enjoyable at all. Really unpleasant tbh.

I have suggested we take a break but he does not seem to want it
If you break up with him, he can't refuse! Are you afraid he'll do something nasty?

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:00

Thank you so much for your replies, I have not been around any female friends for a long time apart from phone calls so have not had much advice or a chance to talk things through. I am working now but will be replying once I finish later on today. Just to clarify this man and I do not live together, he does not stay over when my child is with me and he used to see my child every other week when he had his children so it would be the 5 of us together.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:04

@ravenmum

This doesn't sound enjoyable at all. Really unpleasant tbh.

I have suggested we take a break but he does not seem to want it
If you break up with him, he can't refuse! Are you afraid he'll do something nasty?

Raven, partly I am in the sense that he may become really bitter and resentful and I would not want to completely erase him from my life or that he would become depressed as he has shared this has happened in response to previous breakups.
OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 27/01/2022 15:09

You're not responsible for his mental health.

You don't owe a relationship to anyone just because they might become depressed.

Dragongirl10 · 27/01/2022 15:09

LTB loads of red flags here...

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/01/2022 15:09

He’s being manipulative. You need to finish with this man before he makes you very unhappy.

BubblesThaDragoon · 27/01/2022 15:18

He sounds immature, rude, manipulative and if I’m honest a bit thick. How can a grown adult not comprehend that a small child does not have the same capacity as an adult to regulate their emotions?

You’ve not been together that long and he thinks he can tell you how to parent? Does he even have kids of his own?

I think you should tell him you want a break and list the examples above. What is the point in being with someone who you cant have a serious conversation with?

Sunshineandflipflops · 27/01/2022 15:19

He sounds like a misogynistic idiot.

People you are in a relationship with should add to your life, not make it more stressful.

And as someone else said, his mental health is not your responsibility and maybe he should have thought about how his behaviour might affect you if he was that concerned about you ending the relationship.

BubblesThaDragoon · 27/01/2022 15:19

Just reread your OP and see he has kids from a previous relationship. Does he have them regularly?

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:21

LadyDansburysHat I have asked for his advice when my child's behaviour were being challenging. The first time I had doubts around my BF's behaviours was when in May we met with the kids and my DS almost kicked his son, cause they were playing a bit rough and his son was pulling his leg. Of course I am against hitting and my child has been spoken to many times as at times he becomes angry and expresses his anger quite physically but my BF had a strong reaction at this without seeing at all how his son had also provoked my DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:24

Bubbles he has them 50%of the time, about 3 nights a week and every other weekend.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 27/01/2022 15:24

He does not sound like a good person to be with OP for all the reasons others have said. You deserve better.

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:27

Sunshineand flipflops he can be quite misogynistic but mostly towards his ex wife. He often defends women when it comes to rights at work etc but in his jokes at least when he is around me he comes across as being misogynistic.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/01/2022 15:28

I would not want to completely erase him from my life or that he would become depressed as he has shared this has happened in response to previous breakups
Don't prioritise his mental health over yours. Why would you want to hang around with him after you break up if he's unpleasant to you now? That would make you feel like shit.

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:32

Thank you colouring. I know I have many faults, but am very much a giver in relationships and people have often walked over me for my inability to realise when this is even the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:43

AnneLovesGilbert you make a lot of good points. Partly I have allowed him because he works in mental health and has told me many times that some of my child's behaviors were not ok, that I'd better correct now etc. But the problem is that although I recognize that he wants to help he then behaves like a child antagonizing my child who, obviously being a child, becomes even more angry for then him to say oh your child is too much!
There are good sides to him, we have connected but I don't know why I love him, I would need to think about that.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 27/01/2022 15:44

@LittleMuffinBabyboy

Thank you colouring. I know I have many faults, but am very much a giver in relationships and people have often walked over me for my inability to realise when this is even the case.
Give all that feeling to your DS and put him first. You only have look at the news recently to see what has happened to some poor children at the hands of their parents evil partners.

If he liked and cared about your son he would not be getting involved with telling him off the way he has been.

You've had your red flags, heed them.
Your son is counting on you to protect him

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:45

TheFoundation I don't know if he tries to underestimate my feelings because he is uncomfortable around feelings or because over the years he has built this wall around his feelings and presented this sarcastic face to the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:47

Swizzel, you make two very important points. He is taking power away from me. I suspect this often happens in my romantic relationships, but I always make excuse for the partner, and tend to care for them forgetting about my needs.
And you are right, I wanted him to turn into a sweet and understanding man but maybe need to accept that this is not going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:49

CosuiKrispy When I entered the relationship I had been on my own for over a year, and obviously because of the pandemic I understand that I have felt lonely and he must have felt lonely too, so in a way it would also be depressing for me to end it as I feel I would miss him.

OP posts: