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Original poster

Being in a new relationship after separation

53 replies

LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 14:29

Hello,
I have thought about posting for a while as am interested in hearing from those who have experienced new relationships after separation.
In a nutshell I separated from my ex over two years ago and about a year ago met a guy who is separated too, has got two kids from previous marriage. I have one child.
We have since the start had a good connection butthere are a few things which overtime have made me very upset.
First his approach with my DS is at times too confrontational. My DS can be very boisterous and doesnt take no as an answer. When my DS has a meltdown my BF answers him back and almost engages with him as if he himself was a child. He always says how I need to be disciplining my child sending him to his room when he misbehaves eg raises his voice or gets angry (behaviours which I am aware of). At times he manages to defuse situation and my DS then calms down.
The other thing that makes me upset is that my BF is hardly ever romantic and at times does not take me seriously. He makes jokes such as 'hey woman go make me dinner' etc which can be funny to an extent. When I bring up my feelings around him being quite sarcastic he says I cannot have this conversation again, ah feelings again, boring etc.
I have suggested we take a break but he does not seem to want it.
I am confused because I love this man but some of his behaviours (eg. how strict he can be with my child and not much inclined to understand my child's feelings and how little he listens to my feelings because he says its not a bloke thing) make me question whether I should continue.
I do not really know how to approach the subject with him without being either mocked or shut down. All I want is for him to be a bit more affectionate and sweet, understanding when it's time to have a joke and when instead it's time to be more serious or more empathetic to other people's feelings.

Has anyone got any word of advice or has found themselves in a similar position please post!
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:50

Dragongirl10 Please tell me, I am not very good at spotting them. I know I have had a tough 2 years, with the separation in the midst of the pandemic, losing my job, lockdowns, away from family and friends, moved twice etc

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:51

IsThePopeCatholic How do you think he is being manipulative? I promise I am not asking a rhetorical question it's just to help me understand and open my eyes

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:53

Bubbles you literally read my mind! That's what I have always argued with him, absolutely spot on! He wants to sort of be very logical with a child and sometimes claims my child is being manipulative and knows what he is doing whereas I know that my child is pushing boundaries and does not at times even know the meaning of what he says

OP posts:
tiredofthisshit21 · 27/01/2022 15:53

I honestly wouldn't put up with any of this behaviour OP. I remarried a few years ago after an awful first marriage, so I was very wary of men in general. I completely agree with others that he has no place to discipline your child. My husband doesn't even do this now with my daughter after having known her for 10 years! And the fact that he makes mysoginistic comments about his ex wife is a massive red flag. He doesn't respect women, and he probably doesn't respect you from the sounds of some of his comments. I'm afraid I would be running a mile, very very fast.

Planetzero · 27/01/2022 15:54

Sorry he sounds really horrible. Don’t stay with him just in case he might get depressed. I don’t see how you can let him be around your child. His behaviour is not on.

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 15:58

So even if my child has difficulties in controlling his anger and he has sometimes hit when is in a meltdown you also think that his approach is not right?

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 27/01/2022 16:00

You asked for a word of advice. My one word? LEAVE.

He is manipulating you - just 1 example - telling you that break ups have made him depressed in the past. He is telling you not to end it with him or he will be depressed. He is training you not to dump him.

He is misogynistic about his ex wife? He will be misogynistic about you too.

He minimises your feelings. He is sarcastic and dismisses your feelings as irrelevant and unimportant. So now you are afraid to raise anything for fear of being shut down. He has trained you to feel this, so that you don't raise anything.

He is not a good man.

ravenmum · 27/01/2022 16:08

@LittleMuffinBabyboy

So even if my child has difficulties in controlling his anger and he has sometimes hit when is in a meltdown you also think that his approach is not right?
When my bf clashes with his daughter I keep well out of it as she is not my daughter. He doesn't always parent her the way I would, but what he does with his child is his business, and I don't think my parenting techniques are the only way to do it. The most I've ever done is offer suggestions. We've been together 5 years.
Planetzero · 27/01/2022 16:26

Sorry if I missed it, how old is your son?

Philly1234 · 27/01/2022 16:28

Op don’t for a second assume that because he works in mental health he’s some sort of expert in, well, anything really.

His behaviour is controlling. He’s dismissing your feelings and won’t listen when you’ve tried to talk to him. He’s overstepping the mark with the parenting advice.

Step back op. Explain that you are having doubts snd need some time away from the relationship to reflect. Watch his behaviour when you do. If he uses the threat of depression then you really are clearly dealing with a manipulator. His health is his responsibility. Not yours.

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/01/2022 16:34

I'd be very suspicious of someone who works in mental health and then claims to be a child development expert like this. Totally different fields. What is his job exactly? Doctor, psychiatrist, nurse? Does he even work with in children's mental health field?

carolsforxmas · 27/01/2022 16:40

It won't get any better and constantly fighting your DCs corner and feeling stuck in the middle will get exhausting. My ex had a lot of redeeming qualities (no minimising or sexism) but his unfairness and manner with regards to our separate DCs poisoned every aspect of the relationship and I still feel guilty that I didn't end it sooner, even though I always backed my DC.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 16:51

@LittleMuffinBabyboy

TheFoundation I don't know if he tries to underestimate my feelings because he is uncomfortable around feelings or because over the years he has built this wall around his feelings and presented this sarcastic face to the world.
Why does it matter? This is the common cry of mistreated partners: He only does it because he's x/y/z, she only does it because a/b/c happened in her childhood.

It is your primary job as an adult to look after yourself. It is your primary job as a parent to look after your children. Both of these jobs mean you have to stay away from people who don't respect you, regardless of why.

He is a responsible adult too. His primary job is to look after himself, which means that if he's behaving in a way he doesn't like, he needs to be responsible for making that behaviour stop. Is he doing that? Is he hell.

Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:08

@tiredofthisshit21

I honestly wouldn't put up with any of this behaviour OP. I remarried a few years ago after an awful first marriage, so I was very wary of men in general. I completely agree with others that he has no place to discipline your child. My husband doesn't even do this now with my daughter after having known her for 10 years! And the fact that he makes mysoginistic comments about his ex wife is a massive red flag. He doesn't respect women, and he probably doesn't respect you from the sounds of some of his comments. I'm afraid I would be running a mile, very very fast.
Tired, thank you for your advice. I know what you mean about being wary, I am sort of worried that I will never be able to relax around a man again. Also my marriage wasn't easy at all as we had completely opposite ideas with regards to how how to raise our child.
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:10

Planetzero my son is 7.
He has really upset me more than once to be honest and I have fought with him around the reactions he has had at my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:12

@Brakebackcyclebot

You asked for a word of advice. My one word? LEAVE.

He is manipulating you - just 1 example - telling you that break ups have made him depressed in the past. He is telling you not to end it with him or he will be depressed. He is training you not to dump him.

He is misogynistic about his ex wife? He will be misogynistic about you too.

He minimises your feelings. He is sarcastic and dismisses your feelings as irrelevant and unimportant. So now you are afraid to raise anything for fear of being shut down. He has trained you to feel this, so that you don't raise anything.

He is not a good man.

Brake it is quite concerning to read that he has trained me to feel a certain way, as I do feel he has quite a hold on me somehow despite me rationally recognizing that his behaviors are not ok.
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:17

@Philly1234

Op don’t for a second assume that because he works in mental health he’s some sort of expert in, well, anything really.

His behaviour is controlling. He’s dismissing your feelings and won’t listen when you’ve tried to talk to him. He’s overstepping the mark with the parenting advice.

Step back op. Explain that you are having doubts snd need some time away from the relationship to reflect. Watch his behaviour when you do. If he uses the threat of depression then you really are clearly dealing with a manipulator. His health is his responsibility. Not yours.

I think somehow because of his job he can come across as if he knows what he is talking about but deep down I know that people that work in mental health make the effort to understand behaviors in children rather than just point the finger and discipline.

He is a bit controlling, but not in an overt way or at least not in the way I define controlling. When I have said I wanted to take a break he would be quite passive as if it was all in my hands but then kind of behaving as if we would still be together or nothing had happened.

I like your suggestion of explaining I have doubts, so that I take some distance, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:18

Thingsdogetbetter He works with adults in a mental health setting

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:20

@carolsforxmas

It won't get any better and constantly fighting your DCs corner and feeling stuck in the middle will get exhausting. My ex had a lot of redeeming qualities (no minimising or sexism) but his unfairness and manner with regards to our separate DCs poisoned every aspect of the relationship and I still feel guilty that I didn't end it sooner, even though I always backed my DC.
oh carols thanks for sharing. It really takes time to understand how to be in a relationship when children are involved, it is taking some time for me and I totally understand what you say about it being exhausting cause it is being exhausting for me.
OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:24

TheFoundation I do not know, I guess I have always found excuses for people's behaviors and have always given the benefit of the doubt.

Well said, stay away form people who don't respect you regardless of why. No-one has ever said that to me thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMuffinBabyboy · 27/01/2022 18:27

Thank you so much for all your help, I have not had any chance to share these thoughts with anyone, particularly with other women with children so it's important to hear your perspective.

I realize I must come across as naïve but literally it's been a tough 2 years and I think my nature is always been quite inclined to see the good things in people and make excuses for their behaviors.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 18:29

What are you going to do?

FinallyHere · 27/01/2022 18:29

am confused because I love this man but some of his behaviours ... All I want is for him to be a bit more affectionate and sweet, understanding when it's time to have a joke and when instead it's time to be more serious or more empathetic to other people's feelings.

Goodness, I really don't see anything lovable about this man and I don't see why you would put up with any of the behaviours you describe.

I think you have lost sight of who is is v who you think or want or hope he will be.

Thank goodness you do not live together.

As for not wanting to lose touch completely incase he gets depressed. If he cared about you so much, why isn't he being at least decent never mind loving towards you.

Drop him and, so long as you stay firm, he will latch onto someone else pretty quickly.

The ones who threaten this never, ever do it. And even if they did, it would not be anything to do with you. Shake him off and start enjoying your life with your lovely DS.

Mojoj · 27/01/2022 18:33

Read your post back to yourself. You know he needs to go, don't you?

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 18:38

@LittleMuffinBabyboy

TheFoundation I do not know, I guess I have always found excuses for people's behaviors and have always given the benefit of the doubt.

Well said, stay away form people who don't respect you regardless of why. No-one has ever said that to me thank you!

Have a think about why you might behave that way. Usually it's to do with beliefs picked up in childhood. Were you often having to overlook a parent's poor behaviour? Was one of your parents having to overlook the behaviour of the other?

Self respect is staying away from disrespect of you, whether it's your own disrespect of you, or someone else's disrespect of you. Always turn your back on it; anybody saying/doing things that aren't good for you, just stay away, no explanation needed.

Keep in mind what your son is learning from this experience. He will replicate what you demonstrate to him in his adult relationships. Show him that walking away from poor treatment is 'a thing'. Otherwise, how will he know? How will he know that good people will walk away from him if he doesn't treat them well?