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Original poster

AIBU? Partners ex contacting him

60 replies

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 10:41

Hi everyone

My partner and I have been together for 15 years. He had spilt up with his ex a year or 2 prior to us meeting. Recently she has contacted him, completely out of the blue a couple of times late at night, privately via social media to ask him to come to her house. I suspect she is lonely & possibly drunk. She said she was up late as her child does not sleep. I don’t know if she is in a relationship with their father. My partner replied to her and said no, using the excuse that I wouldn’t be very happy if he did that. I’ve told him just to ignore her messages so she gets the message. I don’t want to create a big deal as I’m not remotely threatened but I find it very disrespectful of her to contact her & a bit annoyed that he wasn’t more blunt with her. They do not have any children together and so there is no reason she would need to contact him. How would u all react?

OP posts:

MrMrsJones · 27/01/2022 10:41

Why hasn't he blocked her?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/01/2022 10:47

Why did your DP feel the need to blame it on you, implying “I would if it weren’t for ladygaga14…”

JumperJump · 27/01/2022 10:48

@MrMrsJones

Why hasn't he blocked her?

I agree. It’s a little pathetic that his response actually didn’t say no properly, he seems flattered. He should have made it clear with a big fat no and block.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 10:49

I’m not sure. I suppose probably because he didn’t think she would contact him
Again after the first time. I might ask him to though if she becomes a nuisance. They are not contacts on social media so she has no access to his profile

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 10:52

I think he felt a bit sorry for her to be honest. Her family member passed away a couple of years ago and he attended the funeral. She contacting him to thank him for coming which was absolutely fine of course. I don’t know if she has used that as a gateway to try and get close to him. It’s a bit strange really. I do think she might have problems as she said she was up late messaging as she was up with her child who wouldn’t sleep.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 27/01/2022 10:54

Depends on the history, how much they've been in contact over the years - I find it odd that she would go from 0 - come over to my house - are you sure there's been nothing else leading up to this point?

Bookworm20 · 27/01/2022 11:05

@CornishGem1975

This, sorry.

Are you sure this is actually 'out of the blue'. Most out of the blue contract would at first be a simple how are you doing.

Unfortunately I would suspect him of having met up with her or seen her at some point prior to this 'sudden' contact.

The fact she asked him to go to her house, the fact he blamed you as the reason he couldn't go would be ringing alarm bells for me. That sort of response suggests they have previously been in physical contact, making her request for him to come over much less bizarre, and he is basically telling her the reason he can't go to her house is because of you. Not because he doesn't want to or its a ridiculous, bizarre idea.

Think about it, if an ex of over 15 years ago contact you out of the blue one night asking you to go to their house, wouldn't your response be more of a 'WTF are you talking about, of course I'm not going to come to your house.' Rather than making up an excuse not to go?

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 22:27

Well it's turned into a major row.

I asked to see the messages as there was a whole conversation back & fourth which involved her asking him to one for tea & them agreeing to be friends along with love hearts sent to each other. I find this completely inappropriate & unnecessary. He says he was just being nice & did not lead her on however I feel that by saying 'food looks great but my partner wouldn't be happy' just gives a completely different message. Now fallen out with ME and says i can go on the holiday I booked for his birthday on my own. So fed up :(

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 27/01/2022 22:48

I think you're right @ladygaga14 it doesn't send the right message. It sounds like he's saying "I'd like to but..."

Oopsiedaisy80 · 27/01/2022 23:01

Yh he thinks you might conveniently go away on the hol so he can explore this exciting new path that has opened up.. sorry OP she is getting her claws in

Philly1234 · 27/01/2022 23:46

Yanbu.

What he should have done is acknowledged how this looks for you; apologised to you and then politely closed the communication off with this ex. Instead he’s digging his heels in and it’s made matters ten times worse.

Theunamedcat · 27/01/2022 23:51

Yeah he has crossed a line here and now he is trying to blame you

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 23:56

@Philly1234

Yanbu.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel

OP posts:

lucie8881 · 28/01/2022 00:24

Whatever her issues it was up to your partner to shut it down. I can see no reason for him to hold any sort of lengthy communications. She is not an old friend in that sense, they don't share the same social circles and don't have children together. She has popped up out of the blue and made her intentions very clear, and your partner has done little to dissuade her.

MsDogLady · 28/01/2022 00:34

So, as others predicted, there has been more communication than you were aware of…

In my view, your P is flattered/intrigued by his Ex’s attention. He could have easily shut this down, but has instead kept the door open by twice shifting the blame to you. His sending her the hearts is absolutely inappropriate. It suggests that he is interested.

His defensive reaction to your reasonable concern speaks volumes. He doesn’t like being confronted with his boundary crossing. He’s using manipulative threats to make you back off.

Ladygaga, this wouldn’t be happening in my relationship and it shouldn’t be happening in yours. In your shoes, I would be reevaluating.

momls20 · 28/01/2022 00:37

Did he tell you about this random 'out of the blue' contact? Or did you see a message pop up and question it?

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 01:09

He told me

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 08:08

I asked to see the messages & he was open about it. When I got to the part with love hearts on the end of the sentence I stopped reading as It made me angry. I said I didn't want to read anymore & I didn't want to speak about it as I knew I was starting to get emotional & I didn't want to argue. He kept asking me if I was falling out with him and I kept saying no. He doesn't believe me so He's now fallen out with me for admitting that I'm angry about it. He said he'd be jealous if it were the other way about but he wouldn't be angry although I know this would not be the case & it wouldn't happen anyway! So basically because he was 'truthful' in his words, I should be happy and not angry. I said it was a half truth as he never told me he that he had been responding, particularly with love hearts!

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 08:09

Exactly what I was trying to avoid but he poked and poked at me to admit I was annoyed and now if accusing me of gaslighting?!

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 28/01/2022 09:16

Pretty sure he is the one gaslighting here

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/01/2022 09:26

Sounds like he is trying to make you jealous. Hoping for an argument so he has an excuse to pop off and see her.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 09:32

@ProudThrilledHappy

Sounds like he is trying to make you jealous. Hoping for an argument so he has an excuse to pop off and see her.

No, that's definitely not it. He's not interested in her remotely & he is trustworthy. I just get fed up that he prioritises people pleasing over my feelings. He said he didn't want to appear rude. She continued to send messages but he ignored them & then she then removed them so goodness knows what they said. I'm also annoyed that I'm not allowed to react & he won't apologise

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2022 10:18

He's not a people pleaser, he's a coward. Someone who takes the path of least resistance / avoids conflict or confrontation even if that means their actions will hurt others.

In this case he's used you as the reason he can't go to her house. He didn't say 'I'm happily married and not interested in meeting up', he basically said that he couldn't go because you would be annoyed. Implying that he would like to go but can't.

Men like him who so easily give in to flattery / ego stroking are a bit pathetic tbh.

It gives me the ick massively if I don't think someone could confidently say no without using me as the excuse, or I don't think they would put my feelings before those of an ex who is still interested in them.

He said he didn't want to appear rude

He's told you outright here that him not appearing rude (aka his image) is more important to him than your feelings. Bleurgh.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 28/01/2022 10:26

I'm also annoyed that I'm not allowed to react & he won't apologise

This is the biggest issue. Not allowing your ( perfectly appropriate) reaction, shutting you down, flipping it onto you…thats not healthy, or respectful.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 11:07

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

I'm also annoyed that I'm not allowed to react & he won't apologise

This is the biggest issue. Not allowing your ( perfectly appropriate) reaction, shutting you down, flipping it onto you…thats not healthy, or respectful.

I agree. That's the worst part. This is exactly how minor issues which could be resolved with a. Simple conversation end up being blown up into a huge argument. He pissed me off so much that I flipped my lid and said some horrible things so now it'll be me apologising - as usual! :(

OP posts:

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