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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Partners ex contacting him

60 replies

ladygaga14 · 27/01/2022 10:41

Hi everyone

My partner and I have been together for 15 years. He had spilt up with his ex a year or 2 prior to us meeting. Recently she has contacted him, completely out of the blue a couple of times late at night, privately via social media to ask him to come to her house. I suspect she is lonely & possibly drunk. She said she was up late as her child does not sleep. I don’t know if she is in a relationship with their father. My partner replied to her and said no, using the excuse that I wouldn’t be very happy if he did that. I’ve told him just to ignore her messages so she gets the message. I don’t want to create a big deal as I’m not remotely threatened but I find it very disrespectful of her to contact her & a bit annoyed that he wasn’t more blunt with her. They do not have any children together and so there is no reason she would need to contact him. How would u all react?

OP posts:

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 28/01/2022 11:27

@Bookworm20, spot on!!! It all sounds like bullshit to me and very very suss. Sorry this is happening OP.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 11:49

Well I went to speak to him this morn & calmly said I don't think it's worth falling out over & we should talk about it. He blew up, absolutely screaming in my face & trying to push me out of the room. I was biting behind the fire in case he threw something at me as he was making a cup of tea. He doesn't want to speak to me and says we will definitely not be going on our little holiday I had booked as a birthday present for him this weekend. I'm so , so, so upset :( :( it'll take me months to pay off the holiday & I was so looking forward to get it away for the first time in years :(

OP posts:

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 11:55

@ladygaga14

Sorry that should say 'hiding behind the door' not 'biting behind the fire'!!

OP posts:

BertramLacey · 28/01/2022 12:03

He's not interested in her remotely & he is trustworthy.

Sorry OP but it really doesn't sound like this is the case. And the more you post, the worse he sounds. I'd have a long think about the way the two of you communicate and how often you have felt like this in the past. Do you feel that you can talk openly and honestly without this reaction from him? He is threatening and intimidating you. Things either need to change, a lot, or you need to get out. I cannot imagine hiding from someone in case they threw things at me. And I doubt he will change. He is using the holiday and the expense of it to bring you in to line. And I do think he is trying to force a situation where you are the bad guy so he can say he had to leave you.

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/01/2022 12:08

You called him a people pleaser but frankly he sounds really nasty and manipulative. He is playing games with you both. What good qualities does he actually have?

RoyKentsChestHair · 28/01/2022 12:11

Trying to push you out of the room and you feeling afraid that he’d throw something at you are both very worrying. Has he become physically abusive in the past?

FWIW I finished an otherwise very happy relationship of 9 years recently for similar behaviour - he kicked over the coffee table in anger and I just straight up said I’m not having that behaviour in my house, get out and don’t ever come back. There’s a line for me and as much as nasty words can hurt, anything physical that makes you feel scared in your own home is 100% unacceptable. Please don’t feel like you have to put up with that in order to be in a relationship, you don’t. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home.

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/01/2022 12:12

Take a friend on the break. Think about what you really get out of having someone like this in your life

Bookworm20 · 28/01/2022 12:16

He said he didn't want to appear rude

This translates to he was mow concerned with her feelings than with yours.

You mention he is trustworthy. Sorry but your posts after that suggest he is anything but that and he is starting on the script.

Blaming you for being annoyed (translatyion: calling him out on it),
Insisting nothing going on,
Now angry and sulking and not going on your holiday.

This wasn't out of the blue OP, conversation history proves that. I bet he has met up with her.

His next steps will be:
Telling you that you are paranoid/irrational/over thinking/too sensitive
Telling you is isn't happy, never has been
Pushing you away so he can use this as an excuse to see her and then blame you for being overbearing/not understanding him

He absolutely knows what he has done and how it looks.
The fact he is so angry and not doing everything in his power to console you, limit the damage he has done to you and prove to you nothing has gone is the action of a guilty man.

I know for a fact if my DP did something that hurt my feelings, he'd be fixing it and reassuring me by his actions, however ridiculous he may think i'm being, innocent people would be horrified and would be fixing it.

If I were you id' be telling him exactly how it looks and how his reaction looks. And based on that you think he is guilty as hell. And you are going on the holiday on your own (or taking a friend) and if all this is so innocent he needs to start acting that way and fixing the massive great big mess he has caused by messaging another woman.

ImaginaryCat · 28/01/2022 12:17

Take a friend on the break, tell him to get to fuck. I'm sorry but just this brief snapshot shows a man not worth sticking around for.

Outlyingtrout · 28/01/2022 12:18

You hid behind a door because you thought he might have thrown a boiling drink at you.

Just think about that.

This relationship is not safe or healthy. His reaction to you challenging his poor behaviour has left you fearing for your safety.

You need to leave him. I hope you realise that before he actually hurts you (assuming there isn't already a history of violence from him in your relationship).

legalseagull · 28/01/2022 12:28

I'm sorry OP I know it's not easy, but he's crossed a line. He's gaslighted you and assaulted you. He needs to go.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2022 12:29

You hid behind a door because you thought he might have thrown a boiling drink at you.

Just think about that.

This relationship is not safe or healthy. His reaction to you challenging his poor behaviour has left you fearing for your safety.

You need to leave him. I hope you realise that before he actually hurts you (assuming there isn't already a history of violence from him in your relationship).

Exactly this.

Does he have form for outbursts and violence?

Are there children living with you both?

MrsHippopotamus · 28/01/2022 12:32

His reaction shows that he is hiding something. It’s not a normal way to behave.

RantyAunty · 28/01/2022 12:51

I'm wondering if they started communicating at the funeral and continued?

I do find it odd he's mentioned several times he isn't going on the birthday holiday. It looks a bit suspicious like you go by yourself and he spends his birthday with her.

CornishGem1975 · 28/01/2022 13:29

So many red flags here. His reaction is over the top for the situation. It screams that there is more to this than he is letting on. It sounds like he's pissed off that you're on to him to be honest.

FelicityPike · 28/01/2022 13:34

No, this isn’t right and you know it.
Hiding behind a door in case he threw boiling liquid (or anything fir that matter) at you!?
I think you need to seriously consider all this.

Bookworm20 · 28/01/2022 13:35

I would also make it very clear to him, that should he refuse to come on the holiday and you go alone, he is not to still be in the house on your return.

Cakecakecheese · 28/01/2022 13:40

Go on holiday without him. You were trying to deal with this reasonably and he got nasty. Do seriously think about whether it's a good idea to stay with someone who can react in such a horrible way.

Philly1234 · 28/01/2022 13:41

Oh OP this has gone from bad to worse. He’s really crossed a line of no return with his, quite frankly, oddly disproportionate and aggressive reaction this morning.

I know you wanted this trip badly. Even if he was to agree to go now, it won’t be what you wanted it to be. Go alone or take a friend and have a little reflection time.

Do you guys live together, have kids, a mortgage??

Aries67174 · 28/01/2022 14:15

Oh op. This is just so so disrespectful on your behalf. My boyfriend has an ex he choose to remain friendly and on good terms with. But really it only worked at the time because neither of them were with other people. Now he's with me it's become a pain. She has Ben bitter and mean towards me. He thinks she just cares. At times she's made strong suggestions about wanting him back but without saying it. It's caused so much friction. My boyfriend is still insisting she's just s friend because she was there for him alot when he was unwell with depression after they split. I can't argue with that. But it's a complex thing now and he needs to cut ties with her properly.

Your boyfriend sounds triggered. What is his problem? What an earth is he playing at messaging any other woman who has no interest in you and hurting you for her??? Why us he putting her first? Set your boundaries. Go on your holiday take a friend. Tell him to sod of back to her if thats more important and walk away.

hereforthetea · 28/01/2022 14:58

His reaction speaks volumes. I say this as someone who has had an affair in the past, with an ex. There is more he's not telling you and he is being defensive to deflect.

Purpleraspberry · 28/01/2022 16:30

He sounds a real delight! His huge overreaction speaks volumes and I am thinking there is a little more to it than he's letting on.

Original poster

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 18:18

Thanks for all of your helpful replies. I appreciate them :)

I feel absolutely fed up. This sort of thing happens regularly. If I have an opinion or react to anything I get absolute hell fire for it so I normally just walk on eggshells but sometimes it's just too hard :(

If I had money or a place to go I'd have gone last night.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 28/01/2022 21:26

Call womens aid find out about a refuge see of you can cancel the holiday or sell it on fuck this guy

cutebutscary · 28/01/2022 21:56

This isn't a healthy relationship OP leave

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