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Original poster

He isn't as keen as I am (new relationship)

60 replies

LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 06:23

This can't go well, can it?!

We are a couple of months in to a new and supposedly fairly casual relationship.

He told me from the beginning he was often busy with his career and decorating his new home.

But it has been going so well, physically, he has blown my mind. I feel like I want to see him all the time or at least hear from him frequently throughout the day. Sometimes he will contact me a lot and I really enjoy that. Other days it's barely anything at all (or actually nothing at all) and I feel like I'm not on his mind at all. He's never off my mind. I've got those crazy, hormonal, new relationship butterflies constantly. It feels amazing and sickening at the same time.

I get the feeling I am far more available and in to him than he is. It's sad to admit that.
I can't go 10 mins with out opening a message from him when he sends, but he can go 15+ hours before reading mine. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
How can I calm myself down.
'Unrequited love' is taking it too far.. but I've never been in this position before where it's imbalanced this way.
It isn't fun most of the time, when he isn't around and doesn't keep in contact I just feel at a horrible loose end, going mad.

Should I end this? Take 2 steps back but see how it pans out? Tell him how I feel and risk making him uncomfortable or worse - him ending it with me?

I've been up all night feeling sad and desperate.

OP posts:
wishfuldogowner · 27/01/2022 06:27

It sounds amazing but it seem like your feelings are currently stronger than oh? It's reasonable to talk to him about how you feel and what you want from the relationship but it might also be helpful to try and distract yourself a bit more. See friends, do hobbies etc. that way you get to enjoy your time together without feeling like it's not enough.

SortingItOut · 27/01/2022 06:28

He told you from the beginning how busy he is and that was so your expectation of him was low bit somehow its not.

What does fairly casual mean?

I think what you're experiencing is lust which is fine but don't expect it to be reciprocated.

What is your life like generally? Work? Hobbies? Friends?

MintJulia · 27/01/2022 06:30

If he is a busy person, focusing on his job or on diy, then he is unlikely to ring you every 10 minutes. I would find that clingy & stifling too. He has a life away from you, can't you just accept that, and allow the days off from him heighten the pleasure of when you do see or hear from him.

As long as you hear from him every couple of days, can you just take a step back and relax, Focus on your job and your friends.

Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 06:35

What is your life like generally? Work? Hobbies? Friends?

Life has been pretty quiet recently.
I usually have an active social life but it seems to be in that January rut, not much going on and people being less social die to covid. I do have friends and would usually be seeing them more.

I work but find my job very boring. I only started it a few months ago, so that is probably not helping.. I procrastinate daydreaming of him.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 27/01/2022 06:37

Sit on your hands. Whatever you want to text/call him about can wait till tomorrow. Look at how you would come across if you were watching yourself in a movie. And calm down.

It may be just lust, or it may be more. Time will tell.

But also think about your boundaries. What does 'fairly casual' actually mean? And are you happy with this? You do not need to accept being an also-ran!

FlowerArranger · 27/01/2022 06:39

Just saw your update. Your need to get yourself a life, and a career. Get yourself in a position where pointless daydreaming isn't a valid option.

Justleaveitblankthen · 27/01/2022 06:40

How old are you both OP? Are you both single/live alone/no ties?

SortingItOut · 27/01/2022 06:41

You need to get more in your life to make you happy and fulfilled. Meet up with friends in a covid safe way, get some hobbies and change your job.

A man should enhance your life and not be your life.

CoconutQueen · 27/01/2022 06:45

To be totally honest OP, anyone who goes over 15 hours to read your message in a new relationship like this is only interested when they feel like it. He's using you when he's in the mood for you. It's really tough when you are in this position but you need to pull yourself back.

Philandbill · 27/01/2022 06:47

I would find it really stifling to have someone phone me so often. Perhaps try to back off for a fortnight and make plans with friends.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 06:52

I wonder why his lack of interest isn't turning you off... it might be his absence that's making you want him more, which would indicate an anxious attachment style.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Does it ring any bells?

blablablafoghorn · 27/01/2022 06:52

Matthew Hussey, relationship guru books & podcasts helped guide me through the tricky first few months of my new relationship. his advice was brilliant and help keep me grounded and sensible when the hormones got hold. Hope it works out for you though those first few months are lovely & you sound smitten

Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 06:56

To be totally honest OP, anyone who goes over 15 hours to read your message in a new relationship like this is only interested when they feel like it.

Yes, I think you might be right. I am sure he looks at his phone frequently. Who doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 07:03

@TheFoundation

I have just read this and there are tears streaming down my face.
It perfectly reflects me and how I always have been in relationships (with everybody).

Thank you for showing me this perhaps I can learn to understand myself better now I recognise these simple traits. Sort of feels like a slight breakthrough somehow.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 07:15

I had the same experience, OP. I'm glad it resonates with you: it is indeed a big discovery to make about ourselves, and can open many doors in terms of making our relationships healthier, and cutting out drama (which is what's going on for you internally, currently)

In your situation, I would previously have felt just like you do now. Now that I understand my attachment style, I'd be saying 'However much I like him, I don't want anybody in my life who causes me to feel this way', and I'd be walking away.

The big recognition for me was that there wasn't anything wrong with me: the reason I was going nuts inside wasn't because I'm faulty/don't know how to do life/have out of control emotions... it was because I was hanging around with the wrong people. I laughed and cried at the same time when I realised 'The only thing I need to change about myself is my partner!'

Choose your people wisely. Someone might be gorgeous, knee-tremblingly good in bed, hilarious to spend time with, but we each need someone who 'gets' us, just as we are. Walking away from him will be hard, but it's a very admirable, self respecting, mature thing to do. What he offers you is great, but it's not enough for you, and all these hours/days spent anxiously are harming you. Demonstrate your self respect: stop contacting him. If he gets in touch, tell him you need someone who gives you more attention, and let that be an end to it. You won't have him, but you'll have dignity and self respect, and wouldn't that be better?

WarriorN · 27/01/2022 07:25

What is his job?

The only thing I can add but don't want to give too much hope, is that my now Dh deliberately tried not to seem too keen initially and is also really shit at replying to messages. His whole family are.

I think it had improved by 2 months though but I honestly can't remember. I know that we often saw frustratingly little of each other for the first year as we were both so busy, till we moved in.

I do think it's important to be able to recognise how you respond in relationships, the Matthew hussy suggestion sounds good.

I don't feel you have to end it yet but perhaps work on your own reactions and feelings first? I know that's hard though.

EthicalNonMahogany · 27/01/2022 07:27

omg I came on also to say look at attachment styles!! It's so massive and such a useful thing to learn about yourself.
Solidarity OP from a fellow anxious (though when they get too close I go avoidant, yayyyyy Hmm)

Fist bump!

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2022 07:29

Anyone who proclaims at Day 1 that they are "too busy" for a relationship, should be taken at their word and immediately dumped. But we as women see this as a challenge. We mitigate and make excuses.

People who are "busy" still get married, have children, run family lives, myself included. It's just a pathetic excuse to mean that he wants a regular shag and occasional cinema date but doesn't want to invest any time or effort otherwise.

Decorating his house! I ask you!

Come on, OP, it's hard but bin him off and for God's sake, don't tell him how you feel.

EthicalNonMahogany · 27/01/2022 07:30

Not sure I wholly agree that you have to walk away - I'd go for learning about anxious attachment, sitting with the feelings, seeing if you can "name it to tame it".

Irritatingly the men who tend to trigger my EXTREME anxious side, which still happens from time to time,are invariably wankers, but feel far more exciting than the ones I could actually love. Dammit.

Tisahardlife · 27/01/2022 07:39

I'm absolutely with you OP, I'm in the same situation and anxiously reading things into every interaction, or lack of interaction from him and it's driving me bonkers.

My logical head says "what's for you won't pass you, just go with it and get on with your own life in between", but I just don't seem to be able to do that.

I second (third?) The Matthew Hussey suggestion, he's excellent, look him up in YouTube.

Off to look at the link for attachment styles...

Didimum · 27/01/2022 08:00

I think you need to leave this relationship for your own wellbeing and happiness. You are not suddenly going to stop wanting something deeper or more involved from him, and he isn’t going to start deepening the relationship either. He’s holding you at arms length because you are convenient for fun times when it suits him, not because he doesn’t check his phone often or because he’s busy. Busy people fall in love and commit to serious relationships all the time - he doesn’t want one with you.

WarriorN · 27/01/2022 08:01

The thing is that you say sometimes he does message and see you a lot.

I think you're focussing a lot on when he doesn't.

Someone who is genuinely v busy, 8 weeks into a relationship, may not message immediately.

Just being devils advocate so you don't throw it away too soon. Definitely do some soul searching. I always think the best relationships are when you don't need the other too much but thoroughly enjoy and want to be with them.

UserBotAI999 · 27/01/2022 08:03

15+ hours without reading yr message?
That'd kill any butterfly feelings stone dead for me. What a tosser. Nobody's that busy.

UserBotAI999 · 27/01/2022 08:06

I agree with @thisbackwithavengeance
If he tells you he's too busy for a relationship but yet you accept that 5hen you're going to end up hurt. Tell him you met somebody. I bet he either doesnt respond or 15 hours later texts back "ok"

dopple · 27/01/2022 08:09

Was it him that wanted a casual relationship? what men mean by casual is company/sex without any of the emotional daily interactions to build a bond and quite often they've already decided this before they've met you so don't take it personally, he just doesn't want the same as you.

15 plus hours without reading your message, tells you he's not as excited about this as you, until he's in the mood...

I would end it to avoid wasting a lot of time of waiting for him to be the kind of man you want, he isn't. Take it for what it is.