He isn't as keen as I am (new relationship)

[LittleKitten1]

This can't go well, can it?!

We are a couple of months in to a new and supposedly fairly casual relationship.

He told me from the beginning he was often busy with his career and decorating his new home.

But it has been going so well, physically, he has blown my mind. I feel like I want to see him all the time or at least hear from him frequently throughout the day. Sometimes he will contact me a lot and I really enjoy that. Other days it's barely anything at all (or actually nothing at all) and I feel like I'm not on his mind at all. He's never off my mind. I've got those crazy, hormonal, new relationship butterflies constantly. It feels amazing and sickening at the same time.

I get the feeling I am far more available and in to him than he is. It's sad to admit that.
I can't go 10 mins with out opening a message from him when he sends, but he can go 15+ hours before reading mine. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
How can I calm myself down.
'Unrequited love' is taking it too far.. but I've never been in this position before where it's imbalanced this way.
It isn't fun most of the time, when he isn't around and doesn't keep in contact I just feel at a horrible loose end, going mad.

Should I end this? Take 2 steps back but see how it pans out? Tell him how I feel and risk making him uncomfortable or worse - him ending it with me?

I've been up all night feeling sad and desperate.

“It isn't fun most of the time” Then stop doing it then!
Stop being so available to this man… he must have picked up on how quickly you read and respond.
I’d move on personally, he’s not that in to you. Have some self respect- if he’s like this now, God help you in a few months!
You deserve better.

Before I met DH I was constantly getting into relationships like this, where I would wait and wait for them to message and re-read everything they would send. They always seemed somewhat indifferent and hot/cold, and this only heightened my attraction to them.

In hindsight, I can see how unhealthy those relationships were and how much I accepted inconsistent, flaky behaviour on their part. When I met DH, I realised that I could have all the affection and reassurance I needed, and that these other men had just been withholding it from me. I never had to guess at how he was feeling and the sick, lingering feeling in the pit of my stomach went away. It doesn't have that same 'passion' or intensity of those relationships, but it's so much more sustainable and healthy because of it. I never had peace in those relationships. I do now.

I hope you can find what you're looking for. This guy doesn't sound like he's it. If you're like I was, maybe you can work on understanding why you're so drawn to men who give so little.

Not read whole thread but yeah listen to @TheFoundation and walk away. I’d say this as someone who’s been there. If he can’t message back within a day during the most exciting part of a relationship than that doesn’t bode well. Have a think anyway, I will say it gets worse the longer in you get and you’ll save more pain cutting loose early. All the best.

People with full, busy lives who are upfront about this, and about wanting a friendly-but-casual relationship, do not deserve to be monstered as selfish manipulators, and they certainly don't deserve to be lumbered with someone who initially said oh yes, OK, I'm happy with friendly-but-casual and who then turns into a Klingon.

It sounds like the problem here is that you and he have different expectations. That doesn't make either of you right - or wrong - it just means you're not compatible. You'd be better off wishing him well and moving on a friendly manner.

What I wish I'd realised decades ago is that if men are keen and serious, you know. If you want more than he does, now is the time to back away.

Sorry if I missed it but my advice (being very caught up as you) is to continue dating other people.

Also if you can intellectually (recognize the evidence and truth even if every fiber of your emotions says otherwise) understand that being available and such will mean you lose value, you might find some empowerment.

I’m not really worried about casual labels and such because you feel different. What matters is you want more.

He isn’t feeling it. Alright, that’s cool. You gotta keep out there and dating. Keep busy. Be the Hugh value catch that you are.

*high

@Wreath21

People with full, busy lives who are upfront about this, and about wanting a friendly-but-casual relationship, do not deserve to be monstered as selfish manipulators, and they certainly don't deserve to be lumbered with someone who initially said oh yes, OK, I'm happy with friendly-but-casual and who then turns into a Klingon.

It sounds like the problem here is that you and he have different expectations. That doesn't make either of you right - or wrong - it just means you're not compatible. You'd be better off wishing him well and moving on a friendly manner.

Firstly, I do agree with all the advice you've received here. The stuff asking anxious attachment, recognising when something isn't good for you etc will really bode you well.

But in the context of this thread and the OP I agree with this too. I read it as a huge mismatch in expectations and communication? You mention it's casual- how has this been established? How do you know it's casual, and how do you and he know what both your expectations are of this casual relationship? As I've seen many times on here before, if you're close enough to share the intimacy of sex, then you should be comfortable enough to raise this.

I do think you need to do more to occupy your brain too, as that's not helping.

Basically, if the fun stops, stop.

Your choice is whether to have an honest discussion with him about what it is you are both expecting, or you don't and walk away saying it's not for you.

End it. There's no happiness where one person is much keener than the other. One feels shortchanged, insecure and undervalued, the other feels suffocated and irritated.

15 hours to read a text! That would of had me backing right off until it fizzled out. That's a clear sign that he's not that bothered. He could treat all women he sees like this for all you know, so try not to take it too personally.
It's an example of how Chemistry on its own means very little. Over the years I've learnt that it's quite easy to find good chemistry, there are lots you can find that with, so don't read too much into it.. It can make you think they could be the one for you and cloud your judgement, but it's important to look at how you are outside Iof that.In this case, the rest isn't looking very good.