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Original poster

He isn't as keen as I am (new relationship)

60 replies

LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 06:23

This can't go well, can it?!

We are a couple of months in to a new and supposedly fairly casual relationship.

He told me from the beginning he was often busy with his career and decorating his new home.

But it has been going so well, physically, he has blown my mind. I feel like I want to see him all the time or at least hear from him frequently throughout the day. Sometimes he will contact me a lot and I really enjoy that. Other days it's barely anything at all (or actually nothing at all) and I feel like I'm not on his mind at all. He's never off my mind. I've got those crazy, hormonal, new relationship butterflies constantly. It feels amazing and sickening at the same time.

I get the feeling I am far more available and in to him than he is. It's sad to admit that.
I can't go 10 mins with out opening a message from him when he sends, but he can go 15+ hours before reading mine. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
How can I calm myself down.
'Unrequited love' is taking it too far.. but I've never been in this position before where it's imbalanced this way.
It isn't fun most of the time, when he isn't around and doesn't keep in contact I just feel at a horrible loose end, going mad.

Should I end this? Take 2 steps back but see how it pans out? Tell him how I feel and risk making him uncomfortable or worse - him ending it with me?

I've been up all night feeling sad and desperate.

OP posts:
CUL8Rmasturbator · 27/01/2022 08:09

Never confuse good dick with good prospects

He put the boundary in from the start. Protect yourself and back away. You've no idea if you're the only one having their mind blown, but you do know that he doesn't want what you're currently feeling

peoniesarejustperfect · 27/01/2022 08:16

@TheFoundation. Perfect advise and wish I’d heard and learnt this when I was younger. OP staying in this relationship is damaging you and it doesn’t really matter what his motives/life is like. He isn’t making you feel good and so you need to move on. Find anew hobby that excites and absorbs you. Think about your real values and seek people who reflect those. Def get a new job !! I was v similar to this when you get and wish you so well. You have a great future and life, with everything you want, ahead of you. Run to that.

Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 10:01

Thank you all. These responses have been so very helpful and kind.

I recognise that I am in a bad place with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 10:03

*Never confuse good dick with good prospects

He put the boundary in from the start. Protect yourself and back away. You've no idea if you're the only one having their mind blown, but you do know that he doesn't want what you're currently feeling*

Best sex of my life. I'll miss it if I end it. But the thought of him doing this with others has been on my mind. It's such a shame.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 27/01/2022 10:19

We are a couple of months in to a new and supposedly fairly casual relationship.

It's a 'fairly casual relationship' for him but you are clearly in love. So sad for you. I think you should chuck him back and find someone whose emotions can match yours; otherwise this will be ongoing torment for you. 💐

MMmomDD · 27/01/2022 10:39

If this is meant to be a casual relationship - I presume it’s not exclusive. So - why cut your nose to spite your face?

You are having great sex - so I’d hang on to that for a while.

I’d also use the time you have on your hands to continue dating. Your issue is that you have time and not much to occupy your mind. So - swipe and talk to people. Also see if there are any hobbies or exercise that can provide distraction.

Eventually - you’ll either meet someone else who has more time for you. Or - you and this guy get a little closer and maybe he decides he wants more.

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 10:49

So - why cut your nose to spite your face

Because it's screwing her up and keeping her up all night, upset. A good fuck doesn't fix this emotional stuff, and it's insensitive to suggest that that's a sensible way forward.

MMmomDD · 27/01/2022 11:06

Why is it insensitive to consider options?
It’s clear OP is in a hormonal storm of the new physical relationship. It’s not love.
It’s just her body craving more.
So - why not see if distracting herself with other potential relationships can help?

She entered this ‘fairly casual’ relationship knowingly. So - I am assuming she is ok to have this and other casual relationships.
And ‘best sex of her life’ is surely worth trying something. Why not?

TheFoundation · 27/01/2022 11:10

Because regardless of her initial intentions, OP is now emotionally engaged.

Switching off emotions is neither possible nor advisable.

Valkyrie40 · 27/01/2022 11:11

You know the old saying "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen?" OP?

Well, it works! Give him a taste of his own medicine I say - I bet anything he'll start being more attentive if you ignore him.

Momijin · 27/01/2022 11:17

I was in a casual relationship and it wasn't for me. For me it is all or nothing. I don't want to play games, I want for my boyfriend to love me and miss me and appreciate me and read my messages.

OP he's just a bloke. Don't accept someone youre sleeping with not opening their messages for 15 hours.

You're wasting so much time and energy trying to get someone to like and value you when you're just scratching an itch for them. You deserve much more and whilst you're with him, you're not having a chance of meeting someone who loves spending time with you, making you laugh, talking to you etc.

ElectraBlue · 27/01/2022 12:00

I am sorry but everything here points towards a casual relationship where he has all the power and he gets his physical needs met when he feels like it without investing much.

The question for me is why are you allowing this to happen?

If what you want is an actual, real relationship then this is not the man for you.

You sound like you want more from someone who is making it clear to you from the start that you are not a priority and this is casual.

End this and find someone who can meet your needs.

blyn72 · 27/01/2022 12:07

You've 'got it bad' for this man but it sounds like an infatuation. You don't need to text him too often surely, most people will talk on the telephone in the evening and that should be sufficient.

If you find your job boring, look for another.

Prettybubblesintheair · 27/01/2022 12:17

@TheFoundation

I had the same experience, OP. I'm glad it resonates with you: it is indeed a big discovery to make about ourselves, and can open many doors in terms of making our relationships healthier, and cutting out drama (which is what's going on for you internally, currently)

In your situation, I would previously have felt just like you do now. Now that I understand my attachment style, I'd be saying 'However much I like him, I don't want anybody in my life who causes me to feel this way', and I'd be walking away.

The big recognition for me was that there wasn't anything wrong with me: the reason I was going nuts inside wasn't because I'm faulty/don't know how to do life/have out of control emotions... it was because I was hanging around with the wrong people. I laughed and cried at the same time when I realised 'The only thing I need to change about myself is my partner!'

Choose your people wisely. Someone might be gorgeous, knee-tremblingly good in bed, hilarious to spend time with, but we each need someone who 'gets' us, just as we are. Walking away from him will be hard, but it's a very admirable, self respecting, mature thing to do. What he offers you is great, but it's not enough for you, and all these hours/days spent anxiously are harming you. Demonstrate your self respect: stop contacting him. If he gets in touch, tell him you need someone who gives you more attention, and let that be an end to it. You won't have him, but you'll have dignity and self respect, and wouldn't that be better?

This is hands down the best advice I’ve read on here. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger. When I met dh I fell in love with him for so many reasons but a big one was because he seemed to know exactly what I needed and gave it to me completely, without me having to ask.
garlicandsapphires · 27/01/2022 12:19

I was in a relationship like this. It was torture so I ended it (eventually)
Annoyingly I am always attracted to men who are a bit aloof and avoidant.

beastlyslumber · 27/01/2022 12:41

OP, google 'limerence'. You are in a limerent relationship with this person. He's made it clear he's not available and not especially interested. You need to leave this now in order to protect yourself.

I know it sounds old-fashioned but I really think it's unwise to sleep with new people or in casual relationships if you're actually looking for a serious, long-term commitment. Women tend to get very bonded by sex - men don't. A generalisation, yes, but still true for most of us. Try holding back on sex for a long time until you really know and trust the person and are sure you both want to be in a relationship with each other.

This man is not the one for you.

Genevie82 · 27/01/2022 13:26

OP, you sound really lovely and sincere , your feelings are wasted on this guy! I expect if you did get to spend much more time with him the illusion would soon end and you’d go off him quickly! .. if he’s telling you it’s causal he means he’s keeping his options open so unless your doing the same end it now before you get hurt.. and meet someone who’s as crazy about you as you are about them xxx

Original poster
LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 13:35

Thank you very much @Genevie82
And everyone else.
I am feeling a little better this afternoon. I haven't messaged him for 5 hours or re read any of his previous messages like I usually find myself doing.

This evening I'll be looking in to the suggested YouTube videos and reading. My mental health is more important than incredible sex (I think).

OP posts:
Midnightfeasts · 27/01/2022 19:06

I would really love to know how men do bond

beastlyslumber · 27/01/2022 19:13

Sorry midnight I may have phrased that badly. I meant that women tend to get very attached once they have sex with a man, whereas men can easily have sex with no feelings at all. Obviously that's a generalisation and also doesn't mean that men can't or don't have feelings or attachments!

Midnightfeasts · 27/01/2022 19:16

@beastlyslumber it's fine, I wasn't having a go at you or anything, it's just something I've never really understood about men Smile

beastlyslumber · 27/01/2022 19:23

Yeah it's weird. I think it probably comes down to evolution. In the end, it benefits both males and females to pair bond to raise children, but maybe modern society is interfering with that. I think now with all the mating opportunities for men, some find it too hard to choose one woman and commit to her. They want to sleep with as many women as possible and even when they meet someone they like will still be thinking about the next one who might be better. Online dating is like a real life video game they keep winning.

Apparently one of the things dating apps do is have fake accounts of really hot women who message men, which makes them think they could get a woman like that, and obviously makes it more difficult to meet a normal woman and leave the app.

RhubarbTea · 27/01/2022 19:40

I won't be much help as I'm in a similar relationship, the only difference is my BF is a bit oblivious and very self-sufficient but I do genuinely believe he cares about me, and it's not a casual relationship, we've both been honest and open about our feelings for each other and where we see this going.

That said, I STILL relate to everything you've written, and I think when you have this style of attachment there will be some people who really trigger it more than others do. Usually folk who lean towards being avoidant. It is such a painful place to be, trapped in this dynamic.

I personally wouldn't leave right now, but I would spend some time refelcting on what I want from a relationship, paying attention to whether this bloke is meeting those needs, and meanwhile making my life more full and busy. It might develop into something serious and committed or it may not. I hope regardless of what happens with him, that you will be well and happy and find ways of self-soothing and meeting your attachment needs. You deserve to feel fantastic and happy Smile

mylife8410 · 27/01/2022 22:06

F

Bythecooker · 27/01/2022 22:56

I have had relationships like this. My current relationship is not quite as passionate but he is consistent and fun and I am much more relaxed and therefore happy and the anxious attachment has pretty much gone away, I can see glimpses of it in myself still on occasion but can rationalise it away. I therefore think you should walk away from this one, the anxiety of this is not going to give you peace or fun.

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