Massive row with partner.he is wrong but stonewalling me

[orangedimples]

Why does he do this please posters?
He has done this before. I've reached out to discuss the issues. He is 100% in the wrong but is extremely stubborn and is refusing to speak so I just got sick oh him and stopped contact on Sunday via messenger.
He has turned into victim mode now and has emailed me to say I am breaking his heart by telling him that we are over. Can't sleep can't eat etc
I am sick of the nonsense.
He does something I really dislike, I get upset and assert myself, he doesn't change behaviour, sulks, disappears for a few days , stonewalls me , then sends messages about how devastated he is and I end up feeling upset for him and all is forgotten until the next time .
He is not a bad person .in fact he has been a brilliant partner overall.
However he is ridiculously stubborn
It's over now forever but can you tell me what type of headfuckery this behaviour is?
Hard to decipher when you're in it.

That is really manipulative. Constantly giving out the silent treatment as a means of controlling a partner's behaviour is abuse.

He's doing it to train you out of ever raising any issues in the relationship.

I'd give him an ultimatum - either he packs it in, or the relationship is over.

I've broken up the relationship.
Manipulative makes sense.He is possibly not used to a partner sticking to her line.
Now he is self pitying and devastated ???!
Wtf? We are not three.
So you think abusive?

Definitely abuse.

It's good you're away from this.

Is it really abuse?????
That seems like a loaded term for it?

He is not a bad person .in fact he has been a brilliant partner overall.

No he isn't he's using manipulation to get his own way which is abusive

I wouldn’t call it abuse. That implies conscious thought.m, planning and implementation.

I’d call it clearly indicative of insufficient maturity in both his relationships with others and in his own self-understanding to actually be in a relationship.

Just google "stone walling" and you will see that it is very much defined as a form of abuse.

Yes, that's a recognised abuse tactic, it's called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), so he upsets you, then denies he's done anything wrong, and then attacks you by saying you're breaking his heart, thereby reversing your victim/offender positions.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

It's how abusers keep lovely people at their beck and call. Lovely people say things like 'Oh no, darling, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm so sorry', even when they're hurt themselves. Lovely people can also say 'I've done nothing wrong and you're behaving as if you're a victim of my poor behaviour. This isn't healthy for me, goodbye', but not as often as they should.

Well done for getting out of the relationship. You've got good boundaries!

From toddlers to my Gramps , I've never come across anyone who hasn't tried to get their own way using whatever method they can, in some way or other. Sometimes mildLy and not in a vicious way. Is that abuse too ?

Why does he do this please posters?

This is almost exactly the name of the book you need to read before getting into your next relationship.

“Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft

Spoiler - it’s because he’s an abusive arse and you can’t change him. You’re right to break this up.

It's a form of DARVO really isn't it (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) because you end up having to appease him and he neatly gets away without having to apologise for or change his behaviour. So yes, it's a recognised abusive tactic and it has a name, I know that can help sometimes, having a name for what they're doing. Out of interest what sort of things does he do to start this cycle? The things you 'really don't like'?

In toddlers we tell them it is not acceptable behaviour, we do not cave to tantrums, it's a silent tantrum but it's still intended to make you do what they want and not what you want. Whether you regard it as abuse or not it is an unhealthy dynamic and ultimately will see you ignoring your own desires for a bit of piece followed by 20 years of oh it's ok, before seeing the light and realising you've spent 20 years placating someone who is only happy if they are in control.
You've made the right decision.

"Is it really abuse?????"

Yes it is abuse

"That seems like a loaded term for it?"

No it is not.

Stonewalling is a recognised form of abuse and besides which abuse is not solely physical in nature. Please take heed of what the other posters have written here particularly with regard to DARVO and stonewalling. Am glad to read that this relationship is now at an end.

Abuse is about power and control KleineDracheKokosnuss and this individual wanted absolute over the OP.

If he did something that I didn't like ... anything from forgetting plans we had made and doing his own thing to pulling him up on refusing to budge in a plan eg a holiday destination etc.
He shuts down. Like he hasn't the coping skills to negotiate, compromise , discuss, conclude.
He can be extremely stubborn and dig his heels in to situations but when he knows he is 100% wrong, this manipulative shit goes down.
He's dumped now but I'll be aware next time.

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

I wouldn’t call it abuse. That implies conscious thought.m, planning and implementation.

I’d call it clearly indicative of insufficient maturity in both his relationships with others and in his own self-understanding to actually be in a relationship.

It doesn't imply that.

And your comment implies that something isn't abuse unless it's planned, which is a dangerous assertion that could lead people to stay in abusive relationships because their abuser doesn't seem to be abusing them in a pre-meditated way.

Abuse doesn't have to be down to conscious thought or planning. It's perfectly possible to abuse somebody whilst feeling that you're being completely reasonable.

‘Forgetting’ plans is also a passive aggressive method of getting what he wants. And if you get in a huff about it, you’re the bad person for being angry with such an innocent person.

He may have a fear of confrontation so resorts to all of these other ways to get what he wants while still avoiding saying what he wants or feels.

@orangedimples

From toddlers to my Gramps , I've never come across anyone who hasn't tried to get their own way using whatever method they can, in some way or other. Sometimes mildLy and not in a vicious way. Is that abuse too ?

Would your Gramps continue to do something he knew was hurting you, in order to get his own way? That's where the dividing line is; it's not about the behaviour, it's about continuing with hurtful behaviour. It's about people over-riding your feelings because their needs are more important than you feeling ok.

You both sound stubborn tbh.

Was he my ex op? Pandered to by women his whole life. Dm /dsis /exw /exgf. Along came me and wasn't like that. I wanted an adult relationship. I ended up with a sulky spoiled man child.
Ime you are well bloody rid op.

Fuck that for a bag of badgers. How utterly childish, controlling and tedious.

You deserve better OP. Bin him

@altmember

You both sound stubborn tbh.

OP may be stubborn, but she's not abusive. He's both.

He hates confrontation and yes a whole line of women from his mummy to his most precious ex partner have tolerated this shit. For years .... until now

Wait until the feelings of absolute freedom hit you op!!
Welcome back to the world of grown ups!

I am stubborn but I'm a communicator and somewhere around the age of 18 I realised I was one of two in a relationship and had to catch myself every now and again since. I'm nearly 50.

It's emotional manipulation. Like people who cry every time you get upset, and stop any further productive conversation. Stonewalling is really damaging to a relationship because you can never get anything resolved. I think it tends to be people who have very low self esteem, so take any criticism or fault very personally (like it means they are a worthless person), and cannot cope with it. They are also the sort of people who will never apologise. Well done you for walking away, as it's impossible to live with!