Massive row with partner.he is wrong but stonewalling me

[orangedimples]

Why does he do this please posters?
He has done this before. I've reached out to discuss the issues. He is 100% in the wrong but is extremely stubborn and is refusing to speak so I just got sick oh him and stopped contact on Sunday via messenger.
He has turned into victim mode now and has emailed me to say I am breaking his heart by telling him that we are over. Can't sleep can't eat etc
I am sick of the nonsense.
He does something I really dislike, I get upset and assert myself, he doesn't change behaviour, sulks, disappears for a few days , stonewalls me , then sends messages about how devastated he is and I end up feeling upset for him and all is forgotten until the next time .
He is not a bad person .in fact he has been a brilliant partner overall.
However he is ridiculously stubborn
It's over now forever but can you tell me what type of headfuckery this behaviour is?
Hard to decipher when you're in it.

Some people do need 'quiet time' to process situations, the difference is, that when they do 'resurface' they will sit down and have an adult conversation and agree how they can resolve the issue fairly, admit when the are wrong and look at ways to improve the situation.

In your exdp's situation he's not doing the latter stages which means nothing ever gets resolved, the hurt is still there and eventually you'll end up having to walk on eggshells and changing your behaviours which is a very toxic relationship, very controlling

@orangedimples

If he did something that I didn't like ... anything from forgetting plans we had made and doing his own thing to pulling him up on refusing to budge in a plan eg a holiday destination etc. He shuts down. Like he hasn't the coping skills to negotiate, compromise , discuss, conclude. He can be extremely stubborn and dig his heels in to situations but when he knows he is 100% wrong, this manipulative shit goes down. He's dumped now but I'll be aware next time.

Did he ever pull you up on anything?

I think generosity in a relationship works, because it serves mutual self-interest. The problem arises when your interests are different.

You're fine when he can see you as a mutually beneficial enhancement, or complement of himself.

I've met the type. Everything is great while they're getting what they want. The moment they don't, or you ned something from them that conflicts with their wants, they turn nakedly selfish and nasty.

So what I mean is that they can seem very generous and kind, because they're doing things for you that are no skin off their nose to do. They get a happy, compliant GF in return.

The problem though, is no willingness or ability to compromise on (or often even discuss) things that matter to them, or conflict with their selfish wants.

So that what emerges is that they don't do things because they care about you, or your experience of life or the relationship. They do things that are low cost / high gain to them.

@Gilda152 once . We were very y laid back as a couple and generally enjoyed mutual stuff but as pp said, the moment I asked for something that he didn't want to do it or pulled him up on something unacceptable to me ,he would go off into his rabbit hole, not accept contact or make contact.
When he did, he played the victim even though he was wholly wrong , I would feel sorry for him and his distance made me want him more so I rolled over and accepted the shit until he did it again.
He has now done it again( repeated an unresolved issue) and I have finally seen what has been going on so I've binned him off.
He has now started to send a very casual text after a week as if nothing happened!
Even though I have finished the relationship .
I don't think he believes that I am done now that I have seen the light and have learned from you all what's been going on.

@orangedimples yea very hard. Quite unbelievable. These men are inept at having a mature relationship.
Mine used to do exactly the same as yours. Very self centred and sulky if things didn’t go his way. No empathy and non apologetic a lot of the time. Sadly the don’t see what they’ve done wrong and will just feel it’s all our fault..not a nice feeling all round really.

So if he's only pulled you up once and you've pulled him up repeatedly sounds very much like he's not ticking any boxes for you and you've done the right thing. Good luck.

@Gilda152 it was an issue that would pop up every few months, knew I hated it , could change it at a small sacrifice but didn't want to ... fair enough ... but still behaved like this when I called time on the whole thing.
I've just
Got a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book this evening so I have a long night of good reading ahead.

@lottiegarbanzo

It's just pure self-centredness.

His feelings of discomfort at being criticised, at having the fact he's wrong pointed out to him, is far more important to him than any impact of his behaviour upon you.

He isn't really bothered about your feelings, your perspective, your experience of life.

He's only bothered about his own feelings, convenience and enjoyment.

He's bothered that you'er angry because it inconveniences him.

That's all.

A person like that isn't capable of love for another person. He only cares about himself and other people in relation to himself.

Yes, painful as it is, this is it. My mother needs me to absorb all of her projections in order to be ok. I must support her distorted reality or im attacking her. She can be v pleasant if i support her rosy view of herself.
For years i thought we were close but 8 couldn't understand why our fights never got resolved.

Now i finally understand that real communication is risky and terrifying for h3r.

We were never close. I was merely playing the part of one dimensional daughter.

@UserBotAI999
They're never going to say ok pull up a chair and I'll listen, I want to hear your point of view so I can meet you half way.

that made me LOL, so bloody true!!!

OP you need to block him. Or he will wheedle his way back in and waste another few years of your precious time.

Read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - exactly the question you ask at the beginning of your post.

There's a section in the book on stonewalling being one of the tactics of the abuser (abuse takes many forms, not just DV)

you can download a free pdf of it here digitalbookpoint.com/why-does-he-do-that-pdf/