Massive row with partner.he is wrong but stonewalling me

[orangedimples]

Why does he do this please posters?
He has done this before. I've reached out to discuss the issues. He is 100% in the wrong but is extremely stubborn and is refusing to speak so I just got sick oh him and stopped contact on Sunday via messenger.
He has turned into victim mode now and has emailed me to say I am breaking his heart by telling him that we are over. Can't sleep can't eat etc
I am sick of the nonsense.
He does something I really dislike, I get upset and assert myself, he doesn't change behaviour, sulks, disappears for a few days , stonewalls me , then sends messages about how devastated he is and I end up feeling upset for him and all is forgotten until the next time .
He is not a bad person .in fact he has been a brilliant partner overall.
However he is ridiculously stubborn
It's over now forever but can you tell me what type of headfuckery this behaviour is?
Hard to decipher when you're in it.

Well done @orangedimples for being the woman who stood her ground! If the other women in his life hadn't put up with this shit he'd have changed long ago, let's face it, it's worked until now. He's crying and apologetic because he can't believe you've seen through it

Thanks to all the posters on mumsnet who always respond with solid advice.
Honestly there are a few posters who probably thought I was silly for not seeing it before now. There have been a couple of other minor episodes but he normally leaves the pity party after a day.
He knew I meant exactly what I said so I think he may have thought that if he waits a few days, she might soften up and feel sorry for him.
Serious ick.
Fuck it ... is there any grown ass man with his shit together out there ?

To now I thought the poor man, he has gone to his cave to think about things and will emerge apologetic and acknowledgment of his mistakes.
Every single lady in his life feels sorry for him and minds him as he's a 'Little delicate' don't you know .
Bullet dodged.

I've dealt with this kind of 'Number One Victim' guy.

If you can't read his mind, you're 'inconsiderate'.
If you refuse to do what he wants, you're 'cruel and unfeeling'.
If you want something different to him, you're 'controlling'.
If you express dissatisfaction with or hurt from something he's done, you're 'critical' or 'hurtful'.
If you remind him to do something he's repeatedly failed to do, you're 'nagging'.
If you have a higher standard than him in any area, you're 'impossible to please'.

They usually have a string of supposedly awful exes behind them, terrible bosses (or useless staff, if they're the boss), impossible relatives, seem to be endlessly dealing with incompetent shop assistants or jobsworth bureaucrats, intransigent children, fairweather friends and their favourite topic is the idiocy of the government (or the Opposition, depending on whether their favored party is in power).

@CheekyHobson I think we've shared an ex 😳

@CheekyHobson I'm controlling btw!
Exes✅
Family✅
Bosses✅
Staff working for him ✅
Kids✅
And finally .... The Government✅✅✅
He is in the wrong employment 😂

@orangedimples I'm controlling btw!

Yes, I used to get accused of it a lot and eventually realised that it was trotted out in situations where he was actually large in control and I was asking him to give up some control in order to accommodate my needs or preferences as well as his.

Extreme characterisations of your awfulness are also par for the course with this type – once my ex was about half an hour late getting home to start cooking dinner and was cross that I hadn't gotten it started it for him (I was busy doing a big job that was long overdue to be done).

The ensuing argument ended with me being accused of "not even treating him like a human being" .

*largely in control

I get upset and assert myself

How exactly do you do that? I think this is the key to knowing who's the real victim here.

I got upset and confused and
Frustrated because I found it hard to understand why they thought they could possibly think the grievance was appropriate and I was fighting a brick wall.

I got upset and confused and
Frustrated because I found it hard to understand why they thought they could possibly think the grievance was appropriate and I was fighting a brick wall.

I think what the PP is asking is how do you assert yourself because while you're not causing your DP to behave the way he does, you are responsible for managing your own responses and the way you respond to him may be contributing to the issues.

For example, he leaves a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and you don't like it. There's a big difference between:

"DP, I've told you many times that leaving dirty dishes in the sink is frustrating for me because I end up cleaning them up. You agreed to stop doing it but your dishes are in the sink again so I'd like you to clean them up now."

and

"For fuck's sake DP, how many times do I have to ask you to clean up your own fucking dishes? What's wrong with you? Are you stupid or doing it on purpose to piss me off?"

No I was very calm and said this the third time You've done this . I'm onto you. I'm done

Yep. Sounds familiar. Seriously frustrating! You've done the right thing.

www.regain.us/advice/psychology/what-is-psychological-invalidation-how-it-happens-and-its-effects/

You have all my sympathies. My mother does this. It just shuts down any communication, because communication is something they can't afford to risk when they're being unreasonable.

My mother has stonewalled me for the last two years (but she is the victim of me that I won't pretend everything is brilliant).

I'd leave him over this. It is a complete stalemate with stone-wallers.

They're never going to say ok pull up a chair and I'll listen, I want to hear your point of view so I can meet you half way.

Glad you've ended it @orangedimples
it must be very tough

@CheekyHobson

I've dealt with this kind of 'Number One Victim' guy.

If you can't read his mind, you're 'inconsiderate'.
If you refuse to do what he wants, you're 'cruel and unfeeling'.
If you want something different to him, you're 'controlling'.
If you express dissatisfaction with or hurt from something he's done, you're 'critical' or 'hurtful'.
If you remind him to do something he's repeatedly failed to do, you're 'nagging'.
If you have a higher standard than him in any area, you're 'impossible to please'.

They usually have a string of supposedly awful exes behind them, terrible bosses (or useless staff, if they're the boss), impossible relatives, seem to be endlessly dealing with incompetent shop assistants or jobsworth bureaucrats, intransigent children, fairweather friends and their favourite topic is the idiocy of the government (or the Opposition, depending on whether their favored party is in power).

Great post.

It's just pure self-centredness.

His feelings of discomfort at being criticised, at having the fact he's wrong pointed out to him, is far more important to him than any impact of his behaviour upon you.

He isn't really bothered about your feelings, your perspective, your experience of life.

He's only bothered about his own feelings, convenience and enjoyment.

He's bothered that you'er angry because it inconveniences him.

That's all.

A person like that isn't capable of love for another person. He only cares about himself and other people in relation to himself.

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

I wouldn’t call it abuse. That implies conscious thought.m, planning and implementation.

I’d call it clearly indicative of insufficient maturity in both his relationships with others and in his own self-understanding to actually be in a relationship.

Not true at all. A large amount of abusers don't consciously plan their abuse before they implement it. I would imagine that those who consciously plan it are in the minority!

Well done op, you've dodged a bullet. Can you imagine how awful it would be to be married and have dc with someone who sulks everytime he doesn't get his way or you do something he doesn't like.

@orangedimples my ex did this about 3.5yrs ago..the silent treatment and I never knew why…I still don’t. However we were otherwise happy and I stupidly carried on. A pretty great relationship afterwards but some noticeable toddler traits which I ignored stupidly. Everything came to a head a few months ago when he obviously wanted his own way over something minor and I wasn’t having it. Instead of pandering to the silence I ignored him back..yeah I’ve not heard from him since. 5 years gone just like that.
Shocking, upsetting, childish behaviour that as a bigger picture I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You’re better off out of it you really are.

For him, it's like he goes down into a rabbit hole and buries himself in denial until he comes out and expects everything to go back to the way it was. I find it so strange. I've never encountered anyone like him before.
There is a strange peace in me.No longer stressed wondering if it can be fixed or negotiated. Just acceptance on that.

@2022newyrnewme what a twat. That was very painful for you. I'm sorry.

So happy you're free! 🎉💐
And so happy I'm single 😊

@lottiegarbanzo . Interesting perspective.
I did wonder if it was that he just could not cope with stress and hassle.
He is self centred and terribly selfish as a man but Not in our relationship( up to now) strangely, so it makes sense that he is only
Worried about his own feelings and convemiences.