In limbo in LTR. Need to break stalemate. What do I say?

[renslip]

Very long relationship of nearly two decades.
We've never lived together by both our choices but do spend a lot of time together and see (or saw!) each other as family, committed etc.

We had a big disagreement the day before new year's eve. We both think the other is completely in the wrong.

We literally haven't spoken since. Only the absolute essential things due to business we have.

This has happened before over the years (infrequently, maybe twice before), But never has it been so long and so silent and cold before. It would usually be me trying to talk more, but this time I've ignored too. He is usually the first to put out an olive branch though.

If we argue it's most often resolved within hours if not a couple of days!

I've been hurting and starting to think the relationship must be over for him.

I'm going to send him an email as I can't stand the limbo any more.

What should I write?

Please no LTB replies, I may well leave or he may well have left me, but I need to get him to communicate (he's not good at it) first so we know where the land lies.

Any help please xx

What did you disagree over? If it's something so important to prompt a three week stonewalling on both sides then you are probably fundamentally incompatible.

I know you dont want to hear LTB but many people would not want to continue in a relationship where weeks of silent animosity is the norm.

I suppose you could try counselling to see if that helps you communicate better. You could benefit from individual counselling to help you get your thoughts clearer.

It would be outing to say what it was we disagreed about, but it was something that has ended as of 6 Jan , isn't ongoing. Could come up again in future tho. About a very close family member.

Weeks of silent animosity is not the norm though, or I'd definitely have left! This is the third time in nearly 20 years. It's usually a couple days of silent animosity though!

He'd never get counselling. I do individual though.

wow so many thoughs!

If this is going to be a potentially relationship ending conversation, I think you need it to be either in-person or a video call if in-person isn’t possible.

So my email or text would be: ‘I need to talk to you. When’s the best time?’

Yes I see what you mean. However, we do usually resolve arguments through text/email. It sounds strange, but it's worked for us.

He hates talking about most emotional stuff. He will literally squirm. Even watching is uncomfortable. I think it's cause he grew up with vv overbearing parents who invaded (and still invade) his personal space. I don't relish it either but will do it. It's no excuse on his part tho, I get that.

I just don't think he will meet up to talk. Or video call.

I was going to write this -

I'm starting to think/feel we are finishing/have finished because we literally haven't spoken for 4 weeks now.
I've been really hurt and upset and I'm wondering what is going on. If you could kindly say something about if it's over for you please. or say anything about it.
I'm scared we are over and that will hurt me so much, but.. I will / have already accepted it by now and that if that's the case then I have come to knowing I'll be okay in time. it's better to know than just ignoring each other.

Okay or not?

I think that’s OK - probably better than I could come up with, which would be more along the lines of ‘What’s going on? Are we finished or what?’

It's not funny but that did give me a .

Maybe I should just put that. It is light and won't scare him off. In all honesty, I'm feeling terrified right now that it's over, but I have past the wallowing and extreme reaction and kind of come to acceptance. I've felt the whole gamut of emotions the past few weeks. I don't want to give him any more of myself, if he no longer loves me. So maybe your reply is a good one!

I think it depends what you want to achieve with that message. If i received that from my husband i would think “ok its over for him and hes accepted the end of our relationship.”
So it might set you up to fail if you do want to stay in the relationship.
I think you should try to figure out what you want. Leave or stay in the relationship. And if you want to continue then you should communicate it clearly. Not that “is it over or not? Up to you, i dont really care” attitude from your suggested message.
Im sorry if this sounded harsh. I dont mean it in a rude way, i just dont know how else to express it. I hope you understand what i mean.

@Mylittlepixie No not at all rude, that's very helpful as well as other replies too, thanks.
I do want to stay, on balance, although I'm feeling raw and don't know how long it would take me to feel secure again. I suppose what I don't want is him just sort of falling back into it out of habit/fear/still caring for me, meanwhile the love has lessened on his part, iyswim? He's not big on confrontation and he would probably not want to address it if he'd fallen out of love.
I think that something is going on. He normally would have reached out long, long before now. Even if general chit chat. Every communication has been purely essential and polite if cold. I did reach out the other day by asking him something about a course I'm studying that he studied in the past. His reply was polite but still cold af.

I'd keep it short without all the slashes

'It seems to me that our relationship is at an end after the argument at Christmas. Could you let me know if you agree, please. Cheers'

Bear in mind that if he answers with 'yes it's over' are you simply going to accept that after a 20 year relationship?

If not, you might be better off ringing him

Maybe this time, for some reason, he doesn't want to be the one to reach out first.

@GreenFingeredNell15 Will that not sound as if it's over for me though? Like a foregone conclusion, not leaving him any where to say he wants to stay, without him being vulnerable?

I've thought about what I will do if he says yes it's over. I would reply with. I wouldn't have thought you'd throw away nearly 2 decades over that - VERY CLEARLY you'd been falling out of love for a long time. I accept that it's over though.
In truth, I probably wouldn't actually believe it and it sink in, for another month or so.

Do you two share a business, then? What will happen to that if you split up? How are you managing to run it while you're not speaking to each other?

I'd probably go with something more open ended like. "Hi, we should probably talk rather than continue to ignore each other. We need to discuss the way forward for us. When suits you?"

I agree that the message you wrote sounds like you have decided you have finished with him

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove I do see what you mean. It's not usually a case of me ignoring, him reaching out though. I usually try talk it through, sort it out. He refuses to talk, but will come back a couple days later and reach out. If it's been something potentially relationship-ending for me, then he has eventually addressed whatever it was without saying anything, if he thinks I'm serious enough about leaving. Although most of that smoothing out happened in the early years.

i would text something like -

I know we have spoken since our argument but that's been regarding the business. It's been a few weeks since we've talked about 'us'. I am willing to talk openly and honestly if you are too. Could we take some time later to talk, please let me know. Thanks

Thanks, that's an option. Although the dreaded "talk" word will likely get him ignoring it! not healthy, but there it is.

In my experience the way to talk to men is, clear and calm and non-threating. Men respond better to a slow build up of thrashing out the argument than a 'you did this and that'. Just speak calmly and keep statements to 'you did X and that made me feel like Y, can you understand my viewpoint'. Get your version of events across and then just sit back and let him fill in the gaps in silence. Just let him open up slowly. Remain calm and both take time to talk about your sides of the disagreement and try to find the common ground. Like a 'SH&T sandwich' say something nice, say something about the disagreement and something nice again. Slow and calm and let him say his piece. Then take it from there, you will know what the vibe is like, if he's willing to sort it out. If he is throwing things back at you its not a good sign and you'll know if its dead in the water or there's a chance to work it out

There's no need to send an email to your boyfriend of 20 years! Phone him then meet him for a glass of wine and talk it through. Do you really love him and want to make it work or do you want a different relationship where you live with someone?

[quote renslip]@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove I do see what you mean. It's not usually a case of me ignoring, him reaching out though. I usually try talk it through, sort it out. He refuses to talk, but will come back a couple days later and reach out. If it's been something potentially relationship-ending for me, then he has eventually addressed whatever it was without saying anything, if he thinks I'm serious enough about leaving. Although most of that smoothing out happened in the early years.[/quote]
That's a very different situation, then.

You must feel very fed up of this dynamic?

@Fruitandnuts

i would text something like -

I know we have spoken since our argument but that's been regarding the business. It's been a few weeks since we've talked about 'us'. I am willing to talk openly and honestly if you are too. Could we take some time later to talk, please let me know. Thanks

Don't text him, he's not your Tinder date! Just ring him, you know each other very well and need to speak to him. It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. Just call and arrange a catch up and let the conversation flow from there.

Thanks @Fruitandnuts .

The disagreement has passed now. Although could come up in the future again.
I did try to reach out over the weekend past, by asking him for help with something I'm studying. First non-essential communication. He did reply politely, but still cold and business-like. Which hurts, because in 'our' dynamic, that would be an opening to repairing things. He knows that and could've taken it. Shows (I think) that he still is conflicted after 4 weeks. Not a good sign.

I just want to know what's going on. I'm so sad and drained.

I would said a text message saying that,
"I am feeling very sad and drained about our relationship. I would like to know what is going on. What do you see happening in our future?"

This seems to be how you are feeling at the moment so I would tell him that and wait for his reply.

@renslip

Yes I see what you mean. However, we do usually resolve arguments through text/email. It sounds strange, but it's worked for us.

He hates talking about most emotional stuff. He will literally squirm. Even watching is uncomfortable. I think it's cause he grew up with vv overbearing parents who invaded (and still invade) his personal space. I don't relish it either but will do it. It's no excuse on his part tho, I get that.

I just don't think he will meet up to talk. Or video call.

If he doesn't care enough about the relationship to talk to you about it, then you don't really have a relationship. Sorry.