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Original poster

In limbo in LTR. Need to break stalemate. What do I say?

76 replies

renslip · 25/01/2022 12:30

Very long relationship of nearly two decades.
We've never lived together by both our choices but do spend a lot of time together and see (or saw!) each other as family, committed etc.

We had a big disagreement the day before new year's eve. We both think the other is completely in the wrong.

We literally haven't spoken since. Only the absolute essential things due to business we have.

This has happened before over the years (infrequently, maybe twice before), But never has it been so long and so silent and cold before. It would usually be me trying to talk more, but this time I've ignored too. He is usually the first to put out an olive branch though.

If we argue it's most often resolved within hours if not a couple of days!

I've been hurting and starting to think the relationship must be over for him.

I'm going to send him an email as I can't stand the limbo any more.

What should I write?

Please no LTB replies, I may well leave or he may well have left me, but I need to get him to communicate (he's not good at it) first so we know where the land lies.

Any help please xx

OP posts:
Original poster
renslip · 26/01/2022 18:34

So he messaged back. 24 hours after I sent mine (pretty much what I originally wrote that I'd send).

"okay, was just annoyed with you for (what disagreement was about). But you can only see yourself. Will see you at weekend for dinner"

Hmm Hmm

Don't know what to say to that. I feel like saying so if I hadn't messaged, how long would this have gone on for? Another month? Indefinitely?

OP posts:
litterbird · 26/01/2022 18:40

@renslip

So he messaged back. 24 hours after I sent mine (pretty much what I originally wrote that I'd send).

"okay, was just annoyed with you for (what disagreement was about). But you can only see yourself. Will see you at weekend for dinner"

Hmm Hmm

Don't know what to say to that. I feel like saying so if I hadn't messaged, how long would this have gone on for? Another month? Indefinitely?

He feels you have been appropriately punished, you reached out to him and now he deems you acceptable to be in his presence again. I would text back saying you have other plans this weekend and will talk to him when you are free. Good luck OP, I hope you don’t disagree with him again as he has now trained you to lower yourself and be compliant. Not a healthy dynamic at all.
KatyAnna · 26/01/2022 18:45

Wow at that response! There is no conciliation in it. No effort to meet half way and see your point of view.
If you agree to dinner, you are agreeing that a four week silence rather than an adult discussion is the way forward. I am sorry Flowers

Original poster
renslip · 26/01/2022 18:45

Yeah I think so too.

I think because I didn't react to the 'punishing' by sending long emotional messages like I usually do, he got no reaction and didn't know what to do with that other than ignore me until I reached out.

I'm not bothered about disagreeing with him, I've always just been myself and stood up for myself. Doesn't stop him trying with the punishment thing though. Usually it's a couple of days - the fact that this time is a month probably means that our disagreement before new year was a big one for him anyway.

OP posts:
litterbird · 26/01/2022 18:57

I would now take some time out to reconsider your relationship with him. Thankfully you don’t live together and hopefully that can remain that way. The reason you have stayed together for so long is you don’t have to live with the silent treatment!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 26/01/2022 19:04

I’d ditch him. He wants you trained to put up with his tantrums.

Don’t be that person. Life is way too short.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2022 19:09

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

I’d ditch him. He wants you trained to put up with his tantrums.

Don’t be that person. Life is way too short.

Absolutely agree. He enjoys punishing you. What kind of man does that?
Rainbowshine · 26/01/2022 19:09

Sorry @renslip but he sounds more and more like a self centred obnoxious patronising manipulative arse. I think you need to really think about whether you are so hung up about how long you have been “together” that changing the status quo is too alien. Think about the sunken cost fallacy. His reply is so totally inadequate and cold. I couldn’t live with the lack of discussion as there will be a constant growing elephant in the room and you will be treading on eggshells even unconsciously.

tkwal · 26/01/2022 19:16

Dear xscbyd
I can't help but notice we haven't communicated for a few weeks and think we need to sort things out. I don't want to drag up what the disagreement was about but we have been part of one another's lives for a long time, so I don't think it's fair that either of us should be left feeling as though we are in limbo. Face to face discussion would be preferable but I'm prepared to face time if that's easier for you. Hoping to hear from you soon

Dontbeme · 26/01/2022 19:24

I struggle badly with mental health as it is

I imagine your mental health would improve without this joker in your life. Are you not angry OP, that he treats you like this? Do you think it would be a better use of your time and emotional energy to examine why you tolerated this behaviour, you describe yourself as anxious avoidant but are you really or are you using labels for yourself and him to make yourself okay with a situation that is not okay?

supercali77 · 26/01/2022 19:31

Thats the very definition of entitled and presumptuous. He was annoyed. He'll see you for dinner. Oh will he now! 4 weeks of silence and he thinks this is acceptable?

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 26/01/2022 19:39

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. Maybe you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
renslip · 26/01/2022 19:58

@litterbird Yes I have been reconsidering the relationship this past year. He does honestly have many good points, but yes many bad ones as well.
We met really quite young looking back now. I was sensible and already had my career started when we met, but looking back, emotionally I was young! I already had a young child who I had raised whilst studying for a few years, and we actually have one together! (fell pregnant early on in our relationship and he did move in for a while but neither of us liked it). They are both students now.

@Rainbowshine Yes I agree. It's the sunken costs fallacy in part. That and it's the familiar and the known.

@Dontbeme Yes I'm angry. My therapist said actually something about how it's good that I don't pander to him, that I stick to my own ground, don't walk on eggshells etc and never have. Doesn't stop him trying though.
I am avoidant for sure. I don't want to live with a partner and haven't wanted that from a young age. Not sure why. Don't like getting close to people in case they let me down etc.

@supercali77 Yes I know! I won't be going this weekend. I'm going to concentrate on my new year healthy diet and exercising plans which I hadn't started due to this limbo, and spend time with my best friend and call my family - who were the ones I've leant on during his pompous silence.

I am wondering though if I am also in the wrong since I didn't contact him either for a month, except from essentials about the business. Am I?

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 26/01/2022 20:20

@renslip

Like your daughter, I don't know how you can put up with this stonewalling from him.

Aren't you wondering, in your life with him, when he will treat you like this again?

"okay, was just annoyed with you for (what disagreement was about). But you can only see yourself. Will see you at weekend for dinner"

This ^^ is just icy to someone he's supposed to love. He may have had traumas in his past life, but it's really not on him to revisit them with you. And this message, after giving you a lengthy "time out" is cruel as well as entitled.

Will you really accept his assertion that you'll meekly be available to him "at the weekend for dinner" - or will you put him straight? 🌹

Itsnotdeep · 26/01/2022 20:25

There isn't a relationship OP. He hasn't spoken to you in 4 weeks. That's not a relationship.

All of the suggestions on here are terribly passive - you asking him whether it's over. Well I'm afraid I would consider it over if someone didn't speak to me for 4 weeks. It's shit really.

Don't you feel you need to take the power? And even if you did reconcile, surely the threat that he would do this again (and he would because why shouldn't he? There's been no downside from it for him), would put you off. This seems terribly dysfunctional to me.

Itsnotdeep · 26/01/2022 20:27

Sorry didn't read the whole thread - but his message makes it worse! He sounds awful. Sorry OP.

SafeMove · 26/01/2022 20:55

I can't believe you are the mother of his child, who he is still meant to be in a relationship with, and is a business partner to. It is astounding he communicates (or not) like this with you. He doesn't respect you at all does he?

I can not believe you have a child and your relationship is like this. I am sorry if I sound judgemental, I am not judging at all, it's just such a headfuck from a stranger on the internet POV. I really don't know how you have dealt with this. You sound so sensible, intelligent, analytical and thoughtful. That last message 'I will see you for dinner this weekend' is so disrespectful. Was the disagreement you had re your child? The only thing I could understand inducing this level of contempt is if you made a carte blanche, dangerous decision regarding offspring? Otherwise, he is not coming across well at all!

Original poster
renslip · 26/01/2022 21:08

@SafeMove I agree he doesn't respect me. Yes, our child is older so a student now. But yes the disagreement was about plans regarding our child and also involving another close family member. He's always been 'my way or the highway' about parenting, he cannot handle not having total control over parenting. It's never a discussion, it's always been him dictating (or trying to), but sometimes I put my foot down and he hates that.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 26/01/2022 21:20

[quote renslip]@SafeMove I agree he doesn't respect me. Yes, our child is older so a student now. But yes the disagreement was about plans regarding our child and also involving another close family member. He's always been 'my way or the highway' about parenting, he cannot handle not having total control over parenting. It's never a discussion, it's always been him dictating (or trying to), but sometimes I put my foot down and he hates that.[/quote]
M would he, therefore, 'my way or the highway' with his child if they wanted one path and he decided on another for them? Would he treat them the same way as he treats you? 🌹

KatyAnna · 26/01/2022 22:27

Sorry I am curious. He moved out despite you having a child together, so did you do pretty much most of the parenting but he was/is ‘my way or the highway’ about how the parenting should be done? (And is a student not old enough to make their own decisions now?)

And to answer your question, no I do not think you were as bad not talking to him for four weeks. You had recognised a dynamic where you always pandered to his stonewalling to get him to be attentive again, and decided not to do it anymore. You just stopped playing out the dynamic anymore until that text you sent.

HellonHeels · 26/01/2022 23:59

His reply is a shocker He is just horrible. I cannot understand how you would want to be in a relationship with him.

I mean, what is the point of him? He gives you the silent treatment for a MONTH, and it's more of the same if you don't do things exactly as he wants. A partner is supposed to love and cherish you - how much did you feel loved and cherished by him in the laat month?

Momijin · 27/01/2022 00:34

How can he have total control over parenting if you don't live together? Is it you who doesn't want to live together despite having a child?

It is hard to comment without knowing who's being unreasonable though.

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2022 06:02

Wow.

“was just annoyed with you”

“just” is doing so seriously heavy-lifting in that reply. He was “just” annoyed so he didn’t speak to you for a month…

I really do think you should reconsider your relationship. He may not like talking but that doesn’t mean you can’t tell him some difficult truths.

updownroundandround · 27/01/2022 06:46

OP your relationship is very different to most, but you're saying that it works for you, so to each his own, and if you're happy then that's great.

Going forwards though, it seems like you've both drawn 'lines in the sand' with this particular 'disagreement' and the whole dynamic of your 'relationship' may have shifted.

For you, it seems you are reaching the end of your 'patience' with him and the way he tries to 'punish' you by withdrawing totally, either for a couple of days, or as in this case, for 4 whole weeks.

May I suggest that you actually quote yourself the next time it happens ?

The next time he 'withdraws' and you're losing patience/had enough, simply text this....

''I've really had enough with the limbo and don't want it prolonged''
So are you in or out ?

Because it seems to me that the only way to avoid 'tying yourself in knots' about his behaviour, is to clearly and simply call it out.
It's NOT unreasonable for him to reply ''I'm in, but I'm still angry with you'', in which case you know exactly where you stand, and can make decisions accordingly.

GreyCarpet · 27/01/2022 07:20

You say that he sends out an olive branch but also that you usually send an emotional email first.

If his olive branch is always in relation to that then it's not an olive branch, it's him controlling the situation and manipulating you.

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