Widowed mother being a bit clingy

[Klippetyklip]

My Dad died unexpectedly 18 months ago. He was early 80’s and (we thought) very fit and healthy. Mum is a few years younger. I spent a lot of time with Mum after Dad died. I took bereavement leave from work and more or less lived with her for a month. Mum found my return to work difficult.
Mum was a sahm. She and Dad did everything together and consequently she doesn’t have many friends. The ones she does have live quite a distance away and as their husbands are still alive Mum doesn’t feel she is able to ‘impose on them as they have husbands’.
This means the vast majority of her social life revolves around me and my brother. We live quite close so distance isn’t an issue. I realised a while ago that if we don’t arrange to do something with her over the weekend she will spend the entire weekend on her own. In fact this his her week, apart from trips to the local shops. If we don’t go for walks with her, visit her, take her out for lunches, go shopping, have her visit us she wouldn’t do anything else apart from shopping locally. Both my Brother and me feel guilty, and have admitted that we occasionally lie to Mum as it has become apparent that if we mention trips out we have taken she clearly expected to be asked along and may make a comment along the lines of ‘next time you go let me know and I‘ll come with you’. We do take her with us many times, but like most couples occasionally want time to ourselves.
She doesn’t drive, and to make matters worse neither do I (I have tried and spent thousands. It’s clearly not for me). Consequently we are limited what we can do together and I am loath to spend too much on outings with her as this is removing money from other areas of our lives.
My brother is very good and does his bit, but my Mum clearly expects me as her daughter to spend time with her, and basically be her friend.
I’m sinking. I was brought up being told by my parents (mainly dad if I’m honest) that it was my job as their daughter to care for them in their old age as it was my duty. This was drummed into me from a young age. Nothing was ever said to my brother. A little while before he died my dad expressed his disappointment that I hadn’t bought a house with an annexe that they could move into when the time came (even though he knew this is something we could never afford).
I meet Mum for lunch one day a week during my lunch break. I work part time so I spend one afternoon of my day off with her shopping and at her house helping with things or just watching tv with her. I will occasionally have a full day out with her and me and my dp will sometimes take her for a meal or take her out or invite her to us on a weekend or I’ll sometimes call in for an hour or so. I also text her several times everyday and call her most days.
Yet I still think I’m not doing enough and am letting her down. When I’m not with her my mind is constantly thinking how lonely and sad she must be and I should be doing more. I have suggested she join some groups so she can meet new people but she isn’t interested and has me anyway so why bother.
To be honest I think I just want to vent. My Mum could easily live another 20 years (if her family history is anything to go by) and I know as she ages it will get worse and I’m not coping as it is. I have heard of fog and realise this me, but I feel guilty just writing this. Any advise welcome

There are so many positives in your post.
You sound like a really loving family who are close & genuinely care about each other. You are all healthy & supportive of one another.
Boundaries are part of a normal relationship. You are entitled to consider how much you can help your mum & where to draw the line. This does not make you a bad person, you are allowed to love yourself too.
Your mum will be lonely, you can't save her from that pain, but given time, she will adjust.

Your mum like every adult is responsible for her own happiness. You sound like you are doing lots to support her and you do not need to feel guilty. I’m afraid she has the choice of making a life for herself or choosing to be lonely it’s up to her, it’s fundamentally not your problem.

You've done far more than many daughters would. It's now time for your mum to join some clubs and make an effort to meet people and form her own social life/company.

Have similar with my own DM, 17 years in. She would never join groups or hobbies or make friends. Her life and all her news revolves around her DC and to a lesser extent her GC. I think you are doing loads.

Any kind of emotional dependency, you need to gently push back within reason. My mum initially became 'helpless' at first - this a woman who happily globetrots around the world solo, so I knew it was linked some how to her new circumstances rather than any genuine need for others to do things for her. For genuine queries, like tech stuff, I'm more than happy to help but I can't help her on deciding whether or not to get her drive repaved as it's not my house! And if I did help her decide and it went wrong I'd be blamed

I guess you need to let her find her own feet with regards to widow hood while encouraging ongoing independence. Help her with the things that are genuinely beyond her but choices about making friends and joining hobbies or groups, is her choice as a competent adult after all. My Mum just isn't a social person, but I'm not her entertainment centre either. We got her Sky, Netflix and Amazon prime as she likes to stay home watching something or reading - she regularly gets kindle gift vouchers.

The guilt is normal - but what's also normal is that you aren't your dad's replacement either. And I think you are actually projecting about her feelings a bit - you are thinking about how you would feel in that situation but she may be perfectly happy with her routine.

I do likewise, ring her about once a week, regular texts and pictures, lunch or dinner every few weeks and stay over every month or so for a night. It's complicated by the fact that we don't have the easiest of relationships and it can get...tetchy but I've learned to detach a lot.

I am in a similar position to your mum. I love doing things with my grown up children and their families and always accept an invitation, and am happy to see them if they pop in. But I am also very happy pottering about on my own and would hate them to see me as a burden or an obligation. I think you sound like a fabulous daughter who is already doing more than enough. I don't think you need to feel guilty or to do more. If you would like to do less, just pull back and see what happens.

Thank you for the responses so far. Deep down I know I’m doing enough, but it doesn’t feel enough. I realise I need to work on that

U3A! My mum is widowed and she joined up after she lost my dad. She now has a network of other peers, many of them single or widowed and loads of stuff to do.

I am sure you've thought of it, and I am sure it must be terrifying for her but I really can't rave about it enough.

How about if you join some new groups and take her with you, with the intention that she might make friends (but don’t tell her that)?

I’m sure you know you shouldn’t feel guilty and obliged to do anything but it could be doing something proactive so you know your mum is busy means the guilt will ease.

I also think that you are doing plenty and that you need to prioritise yourself and your own happiness and relationship sometimes - your mum made her choices and it isn't fair for her to take over your life. Sometimes older people can become very selfish in their demands on their younger relatives and you have to set done boundaries or there'll be nothing left for you.
She won't make friends or find activities to fill her life all the time you are filling every gap - sadly you can't save her from all loneliness and it's not fair if she expects you to!

It’s like this for me with my DMil. She lost her son who lived with her nearly 2 years ago and expects to see us for dinner every weekend plus once during the week. She has some interests and local friends but is still very sad and lonely. DH speaks to her every day but her DD lives in NZ. I have my own mum to look after plus 2young adult dc plus a full time career. I have no advice except go easy on yourself for drawing boundaries or occasionally fibbing about your plans. Sounds like you already help alot and she is lucky to have you. You can’t fix her bereavement.

Snowy Owl - I have thought about this, but most of the groups run locally tend to run on the days I work, and I don’t get home till late so evening groups would be a squeeze. I am wondering as other posts have pointed out I’m projecting and thinking what I would want in Mum’s situation and she’s ok as things stand. But on the other hand she will occasionally just turn up for a coffee (which I don’t mind) and say she needed to get out of the house as she’s sick of staring at the same 4 walls which makes me think she is lonely and fed up. She does this with my brother and adult nephews too.

Difficult.
I can understand your mum’s mindset. Sudden, unexpected bereavement brings its own problems. I know I was in shock for about 20 months ( my DH was 53, road accident)
I joined an online widows group and made friends there. Is there anything in your mother’s area that would supply social contact? I’m not much of a club person but where I live there’s a knitting group, weaving group, various activities to do with the church.
I think you are doing enough at the moment and maybe finding other social contacts will be better than you trying to do more.
Also I’m sorry for your loss. You have to remember that you lost your father too,

Sorry, posts crossed.

@Klippetyklip

Snowy Owl - I have thought about this, but most of the groups run locally tend to run on the days I work, and I don’t get home till late so evening groups would be a squeeze. I am wondering as other posts have pointed out I’m projecting and thinking what I would want in Mum’s situation and she’s ok as things stand. But on the other hand she will occasionally just turn up for a coffee (which I don’t mind) and say she needed to get out of the house as she’s sick of staring at the same 4 walls which makes me think she is lonely and fed up. She does this with my brother and adult nephews too.

Have you looked at www.u3a.org.uk/

OP, you are doing more than enough. She needs to make a new life for herself but this might not happen. You could try going along with her to groups for the bereaved or to local socials for elderly people, but if she resists and chooses to live a lonely life, there's nothing you can do.

This is exactly my story too, my dad died 13 years ago, although he was only 55
Me and her were best friends, i had young children at the time and we did everything together.

Once the kids got a bit older and we would go out with friends it would get very tricky as she would expect to come and if didn't it wasn't great atmosphere.

But pretty much everyday i soent with mum and i honestly can say now im glad i did. She died 4 months ago aged 65 and i am heartbroken i really am.

She was so lonely when my dad died all she had was her kids, my brother lived abroad, and now i no exactly how it feels as with kids have there own social life and husband works alot its very lonely.

No advice but just i get it

Zebra - I’m aware of U3a but haven’t looked into it I’ll admit. I’ll make some enquiries and speak to mum. Thank you

By most people's standards, you are doing way too much. You are not responsible for another adult. If she had planned ahead when she had the chance, she wouldn't be making these demands of you - it was her choice not to do that. And it's a lesson to all of us not to rely on a spouse to always be there, & to develop our own independent lives.

I’m sorry for your loss Muddle. You sound like you were a wonderful daughter and friend to your Mum. I think one of the reasons I’m struggling is that before Dad died I probably only saw my parents once a week, if that. We would text and call occasionally but not everyday and we would get together as a family to celebrate birthdays, Christmas etc. I rarely saw Mum without Dad and now my life seems to revolve around her and I’m finding the adjustment difficult, though I do of course realise it’s far far worse for Mum.

I am a widow with 3 adult children and several GC. My OH died just 2 years ago.

Firstly I have to say that nobody can even begin to understand the pain of losing your life's partner and being left to live alone. It is bloody hard - I hate it. Never again will there be the one person who understands you, with whom you share so many memories and jokes and life experience, who understands what you think about things without having to ask, with whom you have sparred and fallen out at times, who is your special person, who is the one who is always there - until they are not.

It is utterly devastating, and the pain is not lessened by the fact that it is an everyday occurrence. It is hell.

But .... the only way forward is to accept that life is going to be very very different, and that you are in some way on the outside looking in: on your AC's lives, on your GC's lives, on the lives of all your partnered friends. That hurts - feeling an irrelevance is bloody hard. And at the same time your own ability to function independently starts to diminish.

So ... not a great scenario.

My approach is to acknowledge the reality of it all and not to pretend that suddenly my AC should be expected to substantially change their way of life to accommodate me. I accept that I have to take on board my own responsibility for my happiness. I do not expect to be included in their outings, and make a point of talking to them about these and taking great delight in their enjoyment and looking at their photos. And when I am included I appreciate that and make sure they know that.

I have on occasions been away with my AC, but each time I have made it very clear that I do not expect this and it is not a precedent, and that I will take pleasure in their enjoyment when they go away without me.

I make a point of trying to build up my own life and I have several roles in my local community that are important to me: school governor, run a choir, sewing group etc. etc. and I fetch GC from school one day a week and feed and water them. I make sure that I talk about these so that my AC know that I do have a life still. Not always easy of course - this year I am planning a holiday on my own - something that I have never done before and I do have anxieties about this.

So ... maybe think how you want your Mum to behave, what you want her to do, what you want her not to do. When you are clear in your mind about that then it might be easier to proceed. For instance, seeing her once a week might be your ideal, so maybe you could gently work towards that. Maybe you could talk to your brother and both be clear what you can manage - in other words a positive discussion about what you want to happen and how you can both work towards that, rather than a discussion which centres around how difficult it is.

But always remember that what your Mum is going through is hell and she will find it hard, as I do. That does not mean you should not work on some re-alignment of how you relate to her - that is necessary - just know what a challenge this is - and older people do find change very hard.

I hope some of these thoughts will be helpful.

@Klippetyklip

Zebra - I’m aware of U3a but haven’t looked into it I’ll admit. I’ll make some enquiries and speak to mum. Thank you

I sound like an evangelist and probably I am! It really did improve my mum's life no end. She wasn't clingy like yours, but she was very isolated and terrified of how to meet people as a single person. My dad was the outgoing one. But really so many people there are in the same boat and understand.

You have to let go of the idea that your mother must have regular outings. That is a choice she has control over. If she wants a social life beyond what you can reasonably provide, there are many social groups available for seniors in her position. She just needs to find the right group. At the same time some people are actually happy with a bit of solitude and time to enjoy their hobbies.

You are doing plenty. You have no reason to feel guilt. I disagree with what your Dad said - children don't have a duty to look after their parents. I'd hate to think that my DC were visiting me because they had to, or were giving up parts of their lives to keep me happy.

Your mum is an adult and has primary responsibility for her own happiness. It isn't fair of her to refuse local groups and hobbies, but insist on you filling up her time. Even if she isn't that bothered about being sociable with other people, she must still see that you have other responsiblities and things you'd like to do.

It must be hard for her, I understand that, but over time she will get more used to living on her own. And your visits should be something you both look forward to and can enjoy, rather than something you do out of obligation.

Thanks 17. It’s certainly made me think ahead. I have a good network of friends who have had to take a bit of a backseat over the last 18 months. We are all of a similar age though (50’s) so have a reasonable understanding of how life can be with aging parents. Ironically my Mum wasn’t happy when I couldn’t meet her for my usual half day as I was meeting a friend who lives a distance away and I hadn’t seen for months due to lockdown, I thought she’d be keen for me to nurture my friendships due to her situation but I honestly don’t think she’s thinking clearly anymore and isn’t able to imagine anything outside her bubble. I sometimes wonder if she’s still in some kind of shock (she was in shock a while after dad died).

Just to clarify - I do not think your Mum wants to become dependent on you; she is just floundering and clinging to a familiar rock.

And I hate feeling like a responsibility to be taken into account; it is a massive change from being the centre of family life when your children are small to being a spare person who needs to be factored in as heeding you.

It is a difficult balance, but the last thing I would want is for my children to feel guilty about not doing enough with me or for me.