My Dad died unexpectedly 18 months ago. He was early 80’s and (we thought) very fit and healthy. Mum is a few years younger. I spent a lot of time with Mum after Dad died. I took bereavement leave from work and more or less lived with her for a month. Mum found my return to work difficult.
Mum was a sahm. She and Dad did everything together and consequently she doesn’t have many friends. The ones she does have live quite a distance away and as their husbands are still alive Mum doesn’t feel she is able to ‘impose on them as they have husbands’.
This means the vast majority of her social life revolves around me and my brother. We live quite close so distance isn’t an issue. I realised a while ago that if we don’t arrange to do something with her over the weekend she will spend the entire weekend on her own. In fact this his her week, apart from trips to the local shops. If we don’t go for walks with her, visit her, take her out for lunches, go shopping, have her visit us she wouldn’t do anything else apart from shopping locally. Both my Brother and me feel guilty, and have admitted that we occasionally lie to Mum as it has become apparent that if we mention trips out we have taken she clearly expected to be asked along and may make a comment along the lines of ‘next time you go let me know and I‘ll come with you’. We do take her with us many times, but like most couples occasionally want time to ourselves.
She doesn’t drive, and to make matters worse neither do I (I have tried and spent thousands. It’s clearly not for me). Consequently we are limited what we can do together and I am loath to spend too much on outings with her as this is removing money from other areas of our lives.
My brother is very good and does his bit, but my Mum clearly expects me as her daughter to spend time with her, and basically be her friend.
I’m sinking. I was brought up being told by my parents (mainly dad if I’m honest) that it was my job as their daughter to care for them in their old age as it was my duty. This was drummed into me from a young age. Nothing was ever said to my brother. A little while before he died my dad expressed his disappointment that I hadn’t bought a house with an annexe that they could move into when the time came (even though he knew this is something we could never afford).
I meet Mum for lunch one day a week during my lunch break. I work part time so I spend one afternoon of my day off with her shopping and at her house helping with things or just watching tv with her. I will occasionally have a full day out with her and me and my dp will sometimes take her for a meal or take her out or invite her to us on a weekend or I’ll sometimes call in for an hour or so. I also text her several times everyday and call her most days.
Yet I still think I’m not doing enough and am letting her down. When I’m not with her my mind is constantly thinking how lonely and sad she must be and I should be doing more. I have suggested she join some groups so she can meet new people but she isn’t interested and has me anyway so why bother.
To be honest I think I just want to vent. My Mum could easily live another 20 years (if her family history is anything to go by) and I know as she ages it will get worse and I’m not coping as it is. I have heard of fog and realise this me, but I feel guilty just writing this. Any advise welcome